Eunuch Archive Message Boards

I am noticing a recent trend in my thoughts. Sometimes, i feel happy, (the teeter tawter goes up) like i have all that i need, i am reasonably ok, good reasons to be happy.

Then, the logic and sense kicks in... (the teeter tawter goes down) and in very short order, i see that my life is actually over, i just have not died yet, and it would be best for me to just get out of the way. The undeniable fact is simply this, my whole life is pointless. I don't really like the idea of killing myself, but sometimes it looks very tempting, i could make it painless and quick, and become an organ donor at least.

Well, today i am middling, not really happy because i am always aware of my nagging tax problems, more than $4,000 in credit card debt, a wife who hates me, and son who wants to be anywhere but where i am, and a senile 88 year old mother to take care of.... Then i am also aware of the good things, like the fact that the blogs are back, the weather here is amazingly warm and calm right now, i do have some outlets for some social activity (i.e. yahoo chatrooms - that is sooooooo pathetic isn't it?), i have a cat who loves me, seven pet snakes who don't love me, but the snakes are fun to watch when they are eating, i have a HUGE pig that i must soon slaughter (anyone in the area who helps me slaughter that pig will get a free kilo or two of pork!) I do have some things in my life that should keep me happy.

But now, isn't it crazy? I am a grown man, and yet i do have very real (childish) ideations of suicide, i seriously consider it a very appealing option sometimes (especially whenever my wife has been around). And yet within an hour or two after seriously considering which way to kill myself, (so long as my wife is not around), i can feel so happy and content because i have a home, a yard, a full box of tools to fix the endless stream of broken machines around here, and a cat who loves me! See? What a crazy nut i am, i am elated to just look at my collection of tools and junk strewn around my home.

I guess that IF there is anything to be learned from my observations, it is this: it is a very healthy idea to be very very carful about who you surround yourself with. I remember chatting with someone a while ago, they told me something that really resonates in my thought: "If you can't change the people in your life, then it is time to change the people in your life." Think about that sentence, the various ways you can take the meanings. Right now, i am surrounded by three people who i absolutely cannot change, i mean, they disagree with me on anything, and live to shoot down any idea i ever have. So, i cannot actually have any sort of an enlightened discussion with any of them, may as well talk to the cat (at least she makes nice purring noises when i pet her!) I have to acknowlege the simple fact that the current set of people in my life, well, i cannot change them in any thoughts they have, i cannot teach them anything, i cannot learn from them anything, i cannot "change them." Maybe it is time to change out the personalities all together, either that or continue to "live" with the very real ideations of suicide i get every time i deal with these people.

OK, so it is in fact time to "change the people" (that is to say, find different people to relate to in my day instead of the current set), mostly because i cannot "change the people" (as in i am incapable of getting any meanigful exchange with any of them) in my life.

Ah, but this is a lot easier said than done. It is not like i can go to the town square and put up a poster, asking if there is any family or group who wants an errant handy-man and wanna-be writer to move in. And i cannot pack this current set of unchangable people in the truck and dump them out on the "available persons" block.... (OH that would just be so wonderful if i could do that though!):laugh: