Desperate to be a Eunuch

[Danya]

Dear Tugon,

My thoughts are with you as you move through this next stage of your life. It sounds like you have the right attitude and I'm glad you are taking time to take care of yourself.

Hugs,
Danya

[houndstooth]

I've read your posts for years, and only registered recently so I could share thoughts with people whose shoulders I've peeked over anonymously.

All my most heartfelt & best wishes go out to you today, tug, although you don't know me from any stranger on the street. And I'm sure there are more unspoken/unwritten/unposted thoughts just like this.

[tugon]

I have a strange memory that is accompanied by a dream. The memory has always been with me but the dream is becoming more frequent. I am trying not to interpret it myself and want to share it without any embellishment as I remember it and the dream portrays the event.

One evening I was awake in bed. I remember something was wrong. I tried to get up but my legs felt very stiff like my knees would not bend. All of a sudden mom was there and I am not sure if I had called for her. I remember her picking me up in her arms and taking me to the bathroom. As she drew my bath she had to pull down my pajama bottoms that were stuck to my skin. In the memory of the event I have no idea why they were stuck to me for the length of my legs. I do not remember being sick. After the warm bath my legs felt better and I put on fresh pajamas and went to bed. I do not remember any of my emotions.

In the dream I was aware of the fear and panic my mother had for herself and for me. I of course always feared my father. She wanted to make sure I was cleaned up before dad came home. In the dream I thought blood was part of what was sticking to my skin. In the dream I remembered dad went out to a bar and would be home. I remember more in the dream than I do from memory. Again I have no memory of how I felt.

While still living with dad the only feelings I remember were fear and anxiety. I remember being empathetic with others. I could feel happy, sad, and other emotions for them but felt nothing for me.

As I have become happier and my true self as a eunuch I am troubled by the past. My struggles now are with my childhood and memories coming to my conscious mind. I am not sure if this was the event of a sick child or if something bad had happened. I miss the days of almost no childhood memories. I would like to go to bed and not dream. Maybe one day remembering will help but I am not sure I want to remember.

[tugon]

Sometimes it just hits me how different I am without T. Last night I made dinner, set the table using a nice table cloth but not the Irish linen, and after dinner enjoyed cleaning up. As I was cleaning up and loading the dishwasher I looked out at my dining area and living room. I realized how important home had become for me.

A sense of peace settled in as I looked at the art on the walls. The connection with ancestors as I imagined them using the antiques that are now in my care for the next family recipients. Glass lamps that were made generations ago here in my hometown. All of these things have surrounded me and made our apartment feel like home.

This sense of home, my joy in preparing meals and new interior design interests for me have developed since my loss of T. I certainly know others who have the same attitudes I now have as intact males. For me it just hit me last night how deep those feelings are. It is not that things are important to me but the connections I have with others by having them.

The pots I used to cook in I originally bought for the time Brian and I would be together. Even though that never happened I could remember the hope I felt and the dreams we shared. I used some salt and olive oil that Arturo left behind for me. Of course sharing the meal and conversation with a friend is most enjoyable.

If my home is a reflection of me I like what I see. I am glad to be a eunuch and to be so full of feelings. Each passing year I find a deeper eunuch peace. Peace be to all.

[houndstooth]

Nice thoughts, and maybe a little bit melancholy at this time of year. But then autumn always did bring that out in me when DST hit. Our lives aren't about things, but about people, our connections to them and our place in the world, as you say here.

Even though I don't think I say it enough, I appreciate you & Danya & Uncle Flo & Mac & everybody else here. It's the people who make EA what it is and I feel less alone in the world just knowing other folks share a common interest & insights. And after all of these years not taking the last step in removing these two little troublesome trifles, I'm looking into a doctor to complete what I should have done years ago now that I can afford it.

Let the countdown begin! Cheers.

[tugon]

Thank you houndstooth for the kind words. Yes the EA is a great family and I am glad you are a member. You mentioned melancholy but I was writing more from amazement for where I am today compared to where I was when castrated. I celebrate my days as a eunuch.

I hope when you become a eunuch it will be as good for you. Please remember we will be here for you afterwards. Some experience bumps in the road while adjusting and if any of mine or others experiences can help smooth the way your EA family is willing to help.

[tugon]

On this the twelfth anniversary of being a eunuch, 12/06/97, I am doing the math. If I remember correctly I was probably 13 years old before puberty started. Now I have had twelve years since under the drive and control of T. This leaves the 28 years I was under the influence of T. So in three more years will be the break even point. At 56 I will have spent half my life free of T.

12/06/2012 will be the day when my life finds balance. I look forward to every year after 56 because the time I am my true self will be greater than the years I was poisoned by T. I will enjoy the years I was in control. I will have more years happy with myself than unhappy with myself.

I do not often think of the day I was castrated but enjoy who I am today. I mentioned the day to someone and realized it was today. Unless I think of the person I was before I do not remember the T driven person. I am so comfortable with me that the old me is a hazy memory.

I celebrate my day with all those who have found their true selves.

[Danya]

Congratulations, Tugon, on your twelfth anniversary. You are one of the most caring people I know and I'm glad you are part of my life.

Hugs,
Danya

[tugon]

Recently I have been taking a course in providing care to others in preparation for a state tested certification. After working in healthcare for about 20+ years I find I need this certification to go from private duty caregiver to an employee in a hospital or an extended care facility. I have learned a lot in the course but I have also enjoyed the teacher's reaction to me.

In threads past we have talked about jobs suitable for eunuchs and judging by her reaction eunuchs are great for healthcare. She has commented about my soothing voice and how I do not intimidate my patients. She thinks I have a calming influence on those around me. She also talked about my self esteem and I thought wow if she had known me ten years ago she might think differently.

On our final day we had to fill out forms. One of the questions of course is male or female. The teacher mentioned that she circles both male and female. She mentioned that her lesbian niece always selects both and she in support of her niece began to select both male and female. I mentioned that I choose male because I present as male. I was hoping this would start a dialog about my comments of presenting as male. I am hoping that when I see her next the conversation will continue. As a teacher of many and an RN I would like to educate her to our issues. I sense she will be very supportive.

[tugon]

Another reason that course was important to me was to get an idea of the functioning of my brain. Years ago I was diagnosed with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder and along with the lack of T I was concerned about memory and my ability to learn. I have mentioned before that not all my memories are available when needed. My brain has compartmentalized memories.

The class was somewhat of a refresher to the work I had been doing for years. There was a fair amount of new education involved and much I thought I knew had changed. I was also the oldest student so I wanted to show the young people I could keep up. On the final day of our clinicals we had to fill out a form and list our birthdates. A young lady in her early 20's was shocked to find out when I was born. She thought I was much younger.

Now that I know my brain is not a gelatinous mass from all the trauma I am thinking about further education. The first time I went to college I was too busy being gay in a bigger city after the opression of a small town. The second time I was in college I was doing very well and was president of the honor fraternity. I only had a few courses remaining but all the abuse and very negative self image contributed to my dropping out.

As a youthful 53 year old with no negativity in life I am ready to try it again. Since I enjoy healthcare I think I will attempt the nursing program. I come from a long line of nurses and I may as well join in the fun. Unless of course I win millions in the lottery.

[tugon]

Wow the start of the New Year has been a little rough. I hope it does not indicate how the rest of the year is going to be. I may have to stay in bed with Box o' wine at my bedside.

This past Monday my favorite aunt was in a car accident and has spent time in ICU with a brain bleed, broken heel and much internal trauma. Her husband, my uncle, a very kind and gentle man passed away yesterday. I think the strain of worry for his wife might have stressed his weaken heart. After 52 years of marriage they were still very much in love and the poster people for the ideal relationship we all dream to have.

My aunt who my uncle affectionately named "Geraldine Chitwood, Hell Driver" because of her need for speed tried to pass a car on less than optimal roads. She lost control after she returned to her lane. She was hurrying home to be with her husband because with his health issues she did not like to be away for too long.

Thursday we decided to take my uncle to see her and then to the emergency room at another hospital due to his declining health. We welcomed the New Year in the emergency room. Finally about 1:00 am he was in his room. My uncle has always had a great sense of humor and with my odd sense of humor and my cousins observations we had a lot of fun with the ER staff. New Years Day his pressure started to drop and he was moved to ICU. I went to his hospital and other family members went to his wife's hospital to transfer her to his bedside. We were all together when he passed.

Between his sense of humor and her bubbly personality they were a joy to be around. My uncle never said a bad thing about anyone and recently when he called someone a crumbum we knew he was displeased with that person. I think we understood his disappointment in that person with that one phrase than in all the four letter words I might have used. He was not a complainer and after two quadruple bypass surgeries through the years, colon cancer and his last years with Parkinson's he never once felt sorry for himself. My NY's resolution is to be more like my uncle.

Several years ago they invited me for dinner. I always liked them but there had been distance. They asked me if I had anyone special in my life and if so they would like to meet him. Here were these two very Catholic people who were reaching out to me. When I was young they would bring everyone gifts but me. Therefore this new acceptance was a gift that made up for all the others.

Uncle you will be missed but as we began to share much of your humor right after your death the tears turned to laughter. I am glad I was with you and your son on New Years eve and we shared that prayer together. Thank you for your kind words. You of course know I will be there to help my aunt, your wife, in any way I can. Love you.

[EricaAnn]

I'm so sorry to hear of your loss and your Aunt's misfortune. Let's hope that the New Year improves from here.

Take good care of yourself my friend.

[bobberlove]

I too add my condolences tugon. I lost my older brother and my mother five and fours ago respectively. Since then I have given all of my black clothes to St. Vincent de Paul because the black clothes reminds me of funerals. Five years ago I also lost two uncles and an aunt so I know how hard having a bad year can be. Fortunately, this too will pass and you can remember both the good things with your uncle and the final day with your uncle: you were there with him and this shows love from both sides. Being a Catholic myself I think I can say, judging from what you described, your uncle is in a better place and, for this reason, you can look up in the bright blue sky and just smile.

[Danya]

Dear Tugon,

I am very sorry to hear of the death of your uncle and your aunt's serious problems after the car accident. I hope she progresses well in recovery.

You know you can call to talk whenever you need to.

Hugs,
Danya

[kristoff]

On behalf of the EA, and especially those, like you, that I hold close, my condolences on the passing of your uncle. It is never easy to let go of family. May the passage be joyed with the humor and presence of your uncle.