Desperate to be a Eunuch

[BudleyBare]

...I will be letting these memories go. I have nothing left to learn from thinking about them and the pain is quickly being replaced by love and happiness.

Tugon, this is an incredible posting on your part. Thank you for sharing.

I have a recommendation (not a criticism) that is based on experiences as I travel along on my spiritual path. You are free to accept or reject the recommendation as you wish. Might I suggest that you consider changing this last paragraph about your action plan into more of an affirmation. In other words, make it a declarative statement using the present tense. For instance, the first sentence be much more powerful if it were to read: I let go of these memories and free myself from the emotional stress that they hold over me. The difference is that yours is more of a future tense, awaiting some triggering event, whereas the affirmation variant is now and done (completed) as soon as you say it or write it. I leave the second sentence to you.

Again, thank you for the sharing, and I sincerely wish you a speedy transition into the next phase of your journey.

[tugon]

BudleyBare thank you for your advice. Yes today I let the memories go. Today I free myself from the weight and stress of carrying them in my heart, mind and soul. Today I am free from his tyranny and I am strong enough so that it can not happen again. Today I am eunuch and I fully reclaim my life.

As always BB thank you for your support. Affirmation feels good.

[BudleyBare]

...today I let the memories go. Today I free myself from the weight and stress of carrying them in my heart, mind and soul. Today I am free from his tyranny and I am strong enough so that it can not happen again. Today I am eunuch and I fully reclaim my life....

Tugon, I do believe the affirmations that you put forward in the quoted posting are very powerful. Hopefully you agree and benefit from them.

I continue to wish you all the best that life has to offer. You deserve it!

[thefraj]

Thank you for sharing your feelings, Tugon You know I always read them, even when I'm not sure how best to respond. I'm with BB. Thank you for sharing such deep and personal feelings! Just being able to do this, shows just how far you've come!

I think you once shared that poem with me a while back, and it's chilling words give me only an idea of what you must have been through. I want to offer a great big ))HUG(( and say thank you for sharing.

I'm proud you are part of our community

[Uncle Flo]

Tugon, I read your poem then I re-read it and read it again. I simply don't know what to say. I can only wish happiness for you. --FLO--

[tugon]

Thank you thefraj and Uncle Flo for your support and wishes.

[Blaise]

Thank you for sharing your experience and feelings. I very much appreicate your posts.

[tugon]

My eunuch calm is helping in so many aspects of my life. Of course at 50 part of the improvement can also be attributed to maturation. My emotions are less affected by others emotions. If someone is angry their anger does not change my mood. Working in retail at the holidays some folks just want to be mad about their misunderstanding about pricing. It is nice that I no longer need to become upset about what they say. I no longer feel that I have to win or get the upper hand. My sense of calm allows me to know it is not important. Of course if I was under the influence of testosterone I would leave work frustrated and wanting to get even with someone. Of course I am not advocating castration just to be able to work in retail.

I find that by remaining calm I am much more help then before. My partner has been having trouble with his car. He is very frustrated by the problems and I am the calm voice of reason. After all it is only a car. When I was young if my car broke down I would rage. Now I am a better problem solver and help him keep things in perspective. I love the greater positive emotions I feel and how I do not buy into the negatives.

Being more aware of my levels of calm has come about from talks with my partner about what I was like when we first met. We have known each other for 17 years and we met when I was fully into my sexual addiction. We have been in and out of each others lives for many years and it is nice to have someone to share their observations of my before and after. I like myself more as a eunuch and he likes who I am today. It is not always easy to hear about my behaviors in the past but it helps me appreciate the new me.

Today I am content and at peace. I wish these feelings of peace and contentment to my EA community. Many of you have helped me get to this point. To my Brian who can reassure me that despite all the bumps in the road the final destination was worth the trip.

[BudleyBare]

...despite all the bumps in the road the final destination was worth the trip.

Tugon, it is good to hear that things are going well for you. I too notice myself being a lot more "calm" (if that is the right word).

I do take exception to the extracted part of your posting, however. My experience is that the journey is far more rewarding than any destination, because that is what is called life. The ultimate final destination is your transition, and I do hope that is a long way off for you (and myself).

[tugon]

There is no fool like an old fool. This is not about being a eunuch but about being human and hoping for love. It is in answer to my previous bout of optimism and happiness. Romantic love for me is always short lived no matter the promises, hopes and dreams shared.

Years ago I met a young man and we became friends. We have been in and out of each other’s lives for years. The last separation was due to drug related crimes. After my castration and the need for love and his asking to be a part of my life we started talking about sharing life together. I remembered him as loving and respectful of my no’s, which was very important to me. Having been traumatized by a man I was fearful of men. Brian whom I remembered fondly for his kindness was someone I could trust. We decided to give it a go in July of 1999.

Through the years we shared our dreams. We wrote many letters and talked on the phone as often as possible. I would receive beautiful hand made cards for birthdays and Christmas. He is a good artist and I will cherish those always. Much love was exchanged and he helped me heal. Even though we were separated by distance we both felt loved. I spoke of him as my partner because he was in all aspects but the physical that we had once and we were looking forward to again.

Time grew close and this November 1st he was released. I picked him up and was very happy that we were starting this next level of our relationship. He was kind, gentle and loving as I remembered him to be. He would kiss me where fists used to fall. It felt so good to be held and feel safe. I loved resting my head on his chest and hearing his heart beat. We would look into each other’s eyes and kiss passionately. I was so happy. Friends loved hearing the joy in my voice.

He called me on December 15 to tell me he had been using again. He told me that they urine tested him and it would be positive. He violated his parole and would return to prison. Score addiction 1 and tugon 0. Somehow I thought love and time away from drugs would be enough. I thought his hopes and dreams would help him stay clean. Once he admitted he was using and then I realized that I had been told several lies. He could not deal with the pain and anguish I have been feeling for him and myself so he has cut off contact with me. I do not know where he is living or if he is back in a cell.

I am better today then I have been. I will heal. I will always love the good parts of him. I hope one day he becomes the person that he could and wants to be. I hope he can find someone who loves him as much as I once did. I hope he can battle his demons and win.

[BudleyBare]

My heart goes out to you. Based on our prior private emails as well as postings here on EA, I know that you were really wanting this to work out for the both of you. But, alas, sometimes things don't go the way we want. However, there is a grander plan for you, and how you deal with adversity while on your journey will determine how much you grow from this experience.

In reference to my immediate prior posting, the journey is more rewarding than any destination, and apparently this time, the train did not stop, but went onto a different track. Tugon, simply take each day as it comes and with a smile on your face and a good wish in your heart.

With love,
BB

[tugon]

My heart goes out to you. Based on our prior private emails as well as postings here on EA, I know that you were really wanting this to work out for the both of you. But, alas, sometimes things don't go the way we want. However, there is a grander plan for you, and how you deal with adversity while on your journey will determine how much you grow from this experience.

In reference to my immediate prior posting, the journey is more rewarding than any destination, and apparently this time, the train did not stop, but went onto a different track. Tugon, simply take each day as it comes and with a smile on your face and a good wish in your heart.

With love,
BB

BudleyBare thanks again for your input. Today I reached a level of acceptance and now will look forward to an even better adventure. The smile is back on my face and I can once again see the path ahead. I hope one day the path leads to our meeting.

[tugon]

The double edged sword of being a eunuch. I think the end of my relationship was tougher due to the heightened emotional range. I felt the love much deeper and enjoyed the affection very much more. Of course when it was over the lows were greater. The emotional pain was such that I found that I have shut down emotionally. No great pain now but I am detached from feelings.

The benefit is I did not do what I would have done if intact. In the past if a relationship ended I would fill the void with lots of sex. Multiple partners and much risk to feed the addiction that seemed to be worst when rejected. You did not want me so I found many who did. I am glad I did not repeat those behaviors and did not have that drive.

In life I can not control others or want to try. I can not control what happens. I am glad to say I am in control of my actions. Now if I can find my emotions.

[Uncle Flo]

Your emotions are there . They will resurface. --FLO--

[tugon]

While experiencing sleeplessness last night I remembered another reason I wanted to become a eunuch. These feelings come from a time before I became aware of my childhood abuse. At a time before rape when I had hopes life could be good. I thought about castration to relieve the stress I felt trying to maintain an erection during sex. I did not know why I was such a failure but if I were castrated there would be no expectations of me.

When alone or just pleasing someone I had no trouble having an erection until they wanted to do something with it. I never understood the fear I would feel when someone would try to please me. That anxiety would cause a quick retreat. I wanted to stay erect and be able to enjoy myself but could not. Once I got home I was fine but not with someone else. I also suffered from embarrassment when I failed time and again. I began to have anxiety before I was even with the man if I had a date that night.

I thought once they saw what was missing they would not even try anything with me. My stress and anxiety would be reduced. Since I did not understand the emotional reasons for my failures I sought a physical cause. Later in life I even thought about a penectomy to further ensure nothing could be done.

Of course there are some men who think that my not being able to achieve and maintain an erection during mutual sex reflects poorly on them. I thought that as a eunuch they would not have to feel that way. Now this was just one of the reasons I wanted to become a eunuch and not even one of the more important reasons. Which maybe is why I am just now remembering those thoughts.