Desperate to be a Eunuch

[tugon]

Let it be known that I do not like draining incisions. I learned early on that my dog does not like to be splashed or sprayed. Therefore we both were quite surprised Wednesday evening, one week after his surgery, when he came running out of his bedroom in a panic. He was trying to get away from himself. I first noticed drops of fluid on his ears. I thought did the roof give way? Did he stick his head in the toilet? I went into his room to see what had been going on.

Oh the carpet was wet and I would recognize that pink tinge anywhere. Called Corky and found his back was also wet. Sure enough all the serosanguineous fluid that had filled the void left by the removal of the cyst decided to volcanically erupt from his neck. I cleaned the dog, the carpet and poured a glass of wine to better enjoy my panic. I had to remind myself that ridding himself of the fluid is a step towards healing. I had dealt enough with my own drainage and knew it would stop. Yes I needed to be held.

Thursday morning I called the Vet's office at 8 AM sharp. I finally reached someone at 8:05 AM. In my rather excited state I was going to ask who overslept this morning? They could tell I was a little worried and enjoyed my bouncing from logical medical person to a dad having a panic attack. They would see us at noon so I hung up and called a co-worker to come in and finish my shift.

Once in the office a tech came over and said he is healing nicely. Then we were taken back into the exam. The Vet cleaned his incision site and he also felt it was healing well. He suggested some warm compresses to increase blood flow which will promote healing. He also recommended periodic cleaning with antibacterial soap. Today I need to wash a load of washcloths and hand towels.

Corky normally sees the other Vet in the office, Dr. Peggy, but she was not working that day. We had seen the male vet once before when Corky had a back strain. I had noticed that he is rather attractive but he was so kind, reassuring and comforting that in his blue scrubs he looked like a superhero. Oh and I was super crushing on him. From where did those feelings come? I so wanted to show my appreciation.

Today things are looking better and I decided to stop the washes and warm compresses. He has some good scabbing and I did not want to soften them with water. I was also concerned that if I did not rinse the soap well it might cause itching and I did not want him to scratch that area. Taking care of my dog makes me wonder how people survive raising children. At least I will not have to teach Corky to drive.

[tugon]

I would love to find a good doctor. Or should I say I wish I had less issues when going to the doctor. Is it him or is it me? Of course out of all the men he sees in his practice how would he ever think I am the way I am. Today started normally for me in that he noticed a slight weight gain when I had been losing. I explained I stress ate cookies while my client died a slow painful death from bone cancer. Old people seem to always have cookies. I was rewarded with that look of disdain. I was then reminded I needed to take care of myself.

Standard appointment so far as he checked my lungs, bowel sounds and palpated my abdomen. Next he did foot checks for neuropathy and signs of progressing diabetes as it affects circulation. Commented that I no longer had the ankles of a ballerina with the swelling I have occasionally. As I was sitting on the exam table he asked about previous surgeries other than my tonsilectomy and my orchiectomy. I did not know that made my chart. He asked me to stand up, grabbed the rubber glove and told me to drop my pants for a hernia check.

I was just getting over the surprise of the mention of my orchiectomy when I went into panic mode about dropping my pants. For someone who spent an inordinate amount of time with my pants around my ankles it sure is tough these days. There I was clutching my belt buckle, tears forming in my eyes and my voice cracking when I admitted I could not drop my pants. I was like a little kid and said I had been abused. I wish I could respond more adult like and say everything is fine down there and I would prefer not. Or if he had told me last time and I knew it was going to happen. Instead I am this small scared little kid.

Thinking of his advice about dieting and tips to control my diabetes and remembering that feeling of panic I drove and bought myself the largest cone of vanilla soft serve and now I feel better.

[tugon]

I hate the phone calls where the person on the other end feels they need to yell at you. This past Tuesday I received one of these yelling assaults from the duaghter of the person to whom I provide care. When I was in management at a hospital my director and VP thought nothing of leaving me awful messages. Later when they find out they were wrong the apology never came. I am sure in this latest instance an apology will never come.

What started it all was her mother who was concerned about a raised egg shaped hematoma on her leg. The size remained much the same over a week. I was due to take her to the office for a repeat lab draw. My client mentioned that she would like the doctor to look at it again. The nurse came into look at it and was surprised to find nothing was charted. The doctor came in next and this time measured it and told us it would be weeks before it would be reabsorbed. My client felt better. I stopped and got her an ice cream cone and we picked up a new prescription.

Thinking I had a good day well at least until I answered my phone. The daughter wanted to know why her mother was at the doctor's so late and I explained her mom was concerned about her leg. She yelled I just had her at the doctor's and we knew it would be weeks or months for it to be reabsorbed. I mentioned I was not given report so I did not have that knowlege to help her mother feel better. She went on that I had wasted the nurse and doctor's time. I was told I created a greater expense since her insurance had changed after her husbands death. I reminded her I was never privy to that information. When I am angry on the phone I become precise in my speech and very cold.

The daughter called the next day to tell her mother she can make her own appointments and arrange her transportation. The daughter is an LPN and her medical power of attorney. I think we will do better with her letting us do what needs to be done.


My next bitch of the week is people who say they want to do something nice for you and it never happens. If you want to do something nice just do it. The surprise would be nice. As a small child we would often get ready for an exciting day because our father was going to take us somewhere. There we were four children all ready to go and guess who never showed up. We eventually stopped falling for it. It even became a source of humor inthe family and we called dad the heartbreak kid.

My neighbors, while on vacation, received a gift of Omaha Steaks. We were having a heat wave and the container was not shielded from the sun. I had the rental office call them to check when they would be home. I had the rental office staff tell them I could not fit the foam container in my freezer but I can open it and store the individual boxes. They would be fine with my storing them. "Oh we would like to do something nice for you for helping us out". "How about a bottle of wine"? and I said "oh you do not have to do anything" and they said "oh but we want to thank you". I mentioned I liked Chardonnay and I would be very thirsty if I was still waiting on their thank you. Maybe we are not supposed to follow through it is just the thought that counts. I thought about giving you a bottle of wine so that is enough.

I sent a member of an audio site a pair of cables that did not work in my sytem. He was quite pleased with them and insisted in sending me money even after I told him I had them too long to return for a refund. Several times he told me the check was in the mail. It happens in relationships and friendships. I just have to figure why I get excited that somene wants to do something for me when it rarely happens. Thanks to all those who ever did what they say they would.

I do not want to be yelled at or promised at anymore.

[transward]

You have to remember, if you let the assholes upset you,
You will spend your entire life upset
Because there will never be a shortage of assholes.

Transward

[tugon]

You have to remember, if you let the assholes upset you,
You will spend your entire life upset
Because there will never be a shortage of assholes.

Transward

Yes I know there are a high number of assholes. I was just surprised to find out that she was their queen. I have given a lot to the family in the care I provided to their father who has since passed. I am now helping with the mother who is the most manipulative person I have yet to meet. The mother makes her children crazy and they know what I deal with on a daly basis. So when daughter number one calls yelling I wonder how she thinks I deserve it.

I just find it interesting how people who would not normally yell at another person feels quite safe in doing it to me. What do I project that sends the message "oh do say whatever you want in any manner you want". I have seen very nice people not be nice to me. Even my own mother when she was alive would say terrible things to me when it was just she and I. Things my own siblings could not believe she would say. I want to break this life long pattern of whatever I do that gives people the permission to be ugly with me. I am not talking about unimportant people I pass by but friends, family and people with whom I have longterm working relationships. Do I have an invisible kick me sign?

Oh well maybe tonight I may get to enjoy that promised bottle of wine. LOL Or better yet I will buy a bottle on the way home from work.

[butterflyjack]

Perhaps you've been too nice, Tugone...I think, perhaps, manipulators have a built in radar detector for people that are kind and acceptant...I wouldn't be concerned about these people...Frankly, they suck....You don't smooches Jackie

[tugon]

Perhaps you've been too nice, Tugone...I think, perhaps, manipulators have a built in radar detector for people that are kind and acceptant...I wouldn't be concerned about these people...Frankly, they suck....You don't smooches Jackie

Thanks Jackie but I am not sure if I am too nice. I think what I have figured out is I am a people pleaser. Hi my name is tugon and I am a people pleaser. I have been thinking of late that it is not a very assertive role. I think it started in childhood and stuck for me. Much of it stems from being gay and fearing rejection by my family. I think my immature thinking at the time was if they need me enough they will not reject me. As unkind as they could be that might not have been all bad to have been rejected. When I started in the work world and did not want my secret to be discovered I would work twice as hard as anyone else. It did not always work since I was fired from one job for being gay. The manager bragged the next day that he got rid of the fag.

I guess all the people who told me I need to be more assertive were correct. I am not sure if I can find that fine line between providing care for someone and being assertive for myself when need be. Oh hell 56 years old and still so much work to do.

[Peter47-NL]

I am not sure if I can find that fine line between providing care for someone and being assertive for myself when need be. Oh hell 56 years old and still so much work to do.

Just try and don't be afraid to make mistakes (that is pleasing!). There are no mistakes. As long as we live we all have to learn, not only you but also all the people we meet. Our only judge in this proces are we self. Be a nice judge to yourself.

[tugon]

I realized tonight that I need to move to a different city. I will never have true peace of mind here. I may have nothing to actually fear but my poor body sure goes into panic mode easily. The anxiety causes pain and fear. Last night late my cell phone rang and the caller blocked the number so I never answered.

Tonight at 9:50 PM my doorbell rang. I was not expecting anyone and few people know where I live. As usual the chest pains started with the anxiety. Living in a second floor apartment in the front of the building I opened the window and shouted hello. A man in black pants and black shirt stepped out into the light. He might have been mistaken for a police officer just by the darkness of the shirt and pants. My first thought was is someone serving a subpeona. He then told me he had the wrong building and got in his car and left.

Had he been wearing jeans and a t shirt I may not have thought anything about it. I did call security in case he is up to something they can be on the lookout. I have lived here for over three years so he is not looking for anyone who recently moved out.

I just hate hurting this way from the anxiety. The pain starts from my adrenal glans and tightens my back and I get short of breath. If I sleep tonight I will have ugly dreams. Sadly with my history a wrong number can create a night of fear.

[transward]

I realized tonight that I need to move to a different city. I will never have true peace of mind here. I may have nothing to actually fear but my poor body sure goes into panic mode easily. The anxiety causes pain and fear. Last night late my cell phone rang and the caller blocked the number so I never answered.

Tonight at 9:50 PM my doorbell rang. I was not expecting anyone and few people know where I live. As usual the chest pains started with the anxiety. Living in a second floor apartment in the front of the building I opened the window and shouted hello. A man in black pants and black shirt stepped out into the light. He might have been mistaken for a police officer just by the darkness of the shirt and pants. My first thought was is someone serving a subpeona. He then told me he had the wrong building and got in his car and left.

Had he been wearing jeans and a t shirt I may not have thought anything about it. I did call security in case he is up to something they can be on the lookout. I have lived here for over three years so he is not looking for anyone who recently moved out.

I just hate hurting this way from the anxiety. The pain starts from my adrenal glans and tightens my back and I get short of breath. If I sleep tonight I will have ugly dreams. Sadly with my history a wrong number can create a night of fear.

If you are looking for a beautiful, gay friendly city, you might consider Seattle or Portland.

Transward

[tugon]

If you are looking for a beautiful, gay friendly city, you might consider Seattle or Portland.

Transward

Thanks for your suggestions.

I am not sure if it is important to be in a gay friendly city more than just being out of this one. I have so much negative history here and it does not take much to cause me to run paranoid into the night. I need to live somewhere so that the ring of a doorbell does not trigger fear or start flashbacks for me. If I do move, of course, I take me and my issues along.

[tugon]

In my life there have been certain places that have been comforting to me. My home, Quebec City and Paris, France. Recently I visited Frank Lloyd Wright's Falling Water. I am not sure I would be comfortable in one of Frank's home.

I also wanted to try photobucket. So here are some of my pictures.



http://s1343.beta.photobucket.com/us...59276134762125

[Paolo]

Very nice, thank you for sharing!

[tugon]

As my pictures might indicate my interests are interior design and travel photography. I wish I could travel more. I also wish I had a larger design budget.

As a eunuch I am at home more so I need a visually pleasing space. Time away is spent at work or out walking my dog. Oh and I need a new settee to replace my loveseat. My apartment is a work in progress.

My travel pictures are from Paris and Quebec City. Two of my favorite cities and I would revisit them more often if the funds allowed. I would also like to hit the road in a small motor home with my dog and cameras. I recently met a friend in Pittsburgh and we travelled to Falling Water. I had a great time but I missed my dog so much. Travel without my Corky is not much fun.

The other morning Corky and I were out walking when I wish I had my cameras. Two deer, a young buck and doe, were doing their mating dance. They ran together in a circle and then stopped and pranced for a few steps before running in a circle again. Corky and I watched them for about 20 minutes before we continued our walk. Sorry Mitt but two deers doing their mating dance is more interesting than dredge.

I will be adding more pictures if anyone is interested.

[Uncle Flo]

I agree that Falling Water is a beautiful bit of art but I can't picture living there comfortably. --FLO--