Desperate to be a Eunuch

[tugon]

Thank you EricaAnn, bobberlove, Danya and Kristoff for all the thoughts and kind words. Yesterday at 3 PM we had the Chaplet, at 4-7 PM we had the viewing and at 7 PM was the vigil. Today at 3 PM we had the funeral. After the mass we had the bereavement meal.

As a recovering catholic who comes from a family who are big C Catholics I prayed out of respect but was interested in watching the peace this brought my aunt. If faith is a crutch she deserved one the past few days. Not only for her emotional needs but for her recovery from her accident. I am also impressed by my family who springs into action when someone is in need. We have all our spare times scheduled until she is able to be independent once again. We truly take care of our own.

Now the family sees this little brown eyed boy that no one understood as a loving caring person. It no longer matters that I never liked sports. My quiet demeanor is now considered comforting. In the past few days I have been shown much respect and affection. Are they finally proud of me?

[Danya]

I am happy that you are, at last, clearly being treated with respect and kindness. I hope this continues; you've waited so long for it and deserve it.

Hugs,
Danya

[tugon]

As a long time eunuch I find myself still very pleased with my castration. Often I think of what other changes I might like. Before castration was a reality I would fantasize about becoming a nullo and having vaginaplasty. I liked the idea of being penetrated by men without the discomfort I might have receiving anal sex. Today my lingering desire is to have a penectomy.

When I read about a penectomy I still find myself getting excited. Of course I know the desire is mostly just fantasy. For me it is not a need that must be satisfied for body integrity issues but an interest. I am surprised after all these years and with my lower drive that this still conjures up so many erotic feelings. I think I know of some of the motivation for a penectomy and have discussed that in previous installments of this thread.

I took a risk with my castration that I would never take with a penectomy and urethral reroute. I was offered a penectomy and reroute when castrated but even then I had enough control not to risk such a surgery. He brought the catheter and drainage bag with him in the hopes of talking me into it. Castration was enough to deal with at the time. I could not imagine trying to act like nothing had happened and having a catheter and leg bag. In my desire to keep my castration secret I returned to work much earlier than I should have.

Now I must admit that if I won the lottery I would have a penectomy. Of course with the money I would seek out a very skilled surgeon to perform the procedure. This time around I would like proper medical care. I think for years my ideal body image would be like Barbie's Ken. I would like to be tall, thin, good looking and nothing between the legs. Yes I know the only one I can really work on is to be thin. I still enjoy my penis when I am thinking about penectomies but I would not miss it. Unlike others I am not troubled by its presence but would like to achieve that smooth look.

Of course if I had my penis removed I would hate the idea of being incontinent. I have never enjoyed anyone trying to please me so that would never happen. I will say having a penis makes it easy to urinate when out in the woods or in a dark alley walking home from a bar. Like castration the fantasies and desires build until obsession and then into action. At this late stage of my life I guess it does not matter if I have a penis or not. I have no intentions of being with anyone so only I will know it is still hanging around. I could go from tugon to allgon.

[tugon]

As I mentioned in my blog I still have erotic dreams. The frequency is increasing and this troubles me. What is most upsetting is the dreams are of me as a sexual addict at my worst behaviorally. The dreams bring the fear of how easily I would regress to the old me.

During waking hours I do not have the desires I have in my dreams. The actions I find sexually exciting in the dreams often repulse me as I remember the dream. Oh and some of the activities did interest me at the peak of my addiction. Luckily having been castrated the dreams do not create fantasies I would need to act upon. Which I am sure I would if still under the influence of T.

Of course I am left to wonder about my brain. Is the addiction or compulsion so hardwired in my brain that I am still the same person I was before? Twelve years without T and the monster still lives within me. I have to wonder why at this time all the dreams are coming to remind me of how I lived my life and what complete control sexual addiction had over me. The most disturbing part is how much these dreams have excited me at first wakening.

The range from being very sexually excited while dreaming to repulsion while awake makes for some interesting mornings. During the day I will sometimes remember romantic periods in my life or daydream about a loving supportive relationship. Then I go to bed at night and my inner slut comes out. There is definitely a difference between my conscious and unconscious mind. Tonight I wish myself sweet dreams.

[erikboy]

Of course I am left to wonder about my brain. Is the addiction or compulsion so hardwired in my brain that I am still the same person I was before? Twelve years without T and the monster still lives within me. I have to wonder why at this time all the dreams are coming to remind me of how I lived my life and what complete control sexual addiction had over me. The most disturbing part is how much these dreams have excited me at first wakening.

This fact reinforces my belief that we have more complicated mechanism that creates libido and sexual fantasies. T is only a catalyser for that system.
It seem to me like if one have abstained from any sexual activity long enough then part of non T related mechanism activates that creates these dreams.
For example if one has regular sex and acts to release his fantasies in some form of activity there are no wetdreams at all.
So, that is my thought.

[tugon]

This fact reinforces my belief that we have more complicated mechanism that creates libido and sexual fantasies. T is only a catalyser for that system.
It seem to me like if one have abstained from any sexual activity long enough then part of non T related mechanism activates that creates these dreams.
For example if one has regular sex and acts to release his fantasies in some form of activity there are no wetdreams at all.
So, that is my thought.

One thing I should clarify is that I do not orgasm during these dreams and I do masturbate fairly frequently. So I do not know if I could call them wet or in my case dry dreams. It has been well over a year since physical contact with another. I do not know if the lack of human touch is a contributor since I went a long while between castration and my last boyfriend.

As I have said the reason I find my recent erotic dreams saddening is because I am not dreaming about the few loving romantic experiences I have had. I am dreaming and becoming excited by the most demeaning experiences. I feel like these dreams are taunting me to not forget who I truly am. The lack of T is only the lack of T. The lack of T has given me much in life and self control is the greatest along with the reduced desires. The lack of T can not fix my brain.

I need to accept my true nature and be glad I am no longer controlled by it.

[tugon]

Just a short note. After Brian disappeared and enough time had passed, that I knew this time he would not call out of the blue, I had one wish for him. I always said "I wish him no harm but I hope his dick falls off". Well I found out today that his father developed cancer of the penis and had a penectomy. He is also undergoing chemo.

The wish missed it's target and I do not plan on wishing for that again. I really did not mean it for Brian but it was a fun thought. He was so proud of his penis and what he thought it could do for others. Now I will change my wish to one where "I hope he learns to use it for others' pleasure and not just his own".

As for me I have no desire to experience any new skills he may learn.

[tugon]

It is not spring but my paranoia is in full bloom. At 2:43 am the phone rang. I was told it was a local radio show and I was selected to win a prize. He even said I was on the air which kept my tongue more civil than it might have been. What was upsetting was the request for my address so the prize could be mailed. I wonder what kind of prize might have shown up to my door.

This morning I am wondering who is trying to find me. I am sure it is not a child I did not know I had. Oh well I will see if this happens again. The caller did make sure his number was blocked. The callers voice was mature sounding.

Oh well off to work. Plenty of time to think about this later.

[Paolo]

If it's blocked, they can talk to the machine.

[tugon]

Today I went to a restaurant and a waiter whom I enjoyed his service and flirting said to me it has been a year and a half since the last time I had been there. I mentioned that my schedule had changed to days and I was only able to come in on weekends. He mentioned that he had been thinking of me. I said I was curious if he still worked there. He was off duty so that was all the contact we had. I was surprised by his reaction and that he looked hurt.

The day before I ran into a convenient store for my aunt and as I was leaving I bumped into a very masculine man. Jeans and a flannel shirt and more T dripping from him than any one man needs. He charged into the store and realized I was on my way out. He excused himself and held the door for me. I looked at him and mumbled thanks. He smiled at me seeming to know the effect he had on me.

Today in the restaurant I was thinking about the waiter who seemed to be interested and is a nice person but knowing I was attracted to the macho man. I also thought about how I need to let anyone I might be interested in that I am a FUBAR. Fucked Up Beyond All Recognition. At least when it comes to intimate relationships. How fair is it to get involved and then drop the news about all my baggage.

How soon do you let someone know you are a survivor of incest, abuse and adult rape and are a male to eunuch transgender? Before the tip, maybe? I guess I believe in full disclosure. If someone is interested knowing all that should I question their issues?

I most likely will not go back to the restaurant. It will be easier to avoid him and any interest he may have. I am not even sure if I am interested. Being used by flannel and jeans man would be more comfortable.

[houndstooth]

Unless I misread it, you post sounded so melancholy. I know it's impossible, but I can't help but ask, "Is there anything I can do? Be a symathetic ear? Something?" Your being here on the Archive means (and has meant for a long time) a great deal to me. Just thought you should know.

[tugon]

Thanks houndstooth for your concern. Some days I long for a romantic, loving relationship. That is really the only aspect of my life that is melancholy. I have good friends, a nice home and work that I enjoy but I do not have that special person in my life.

Last night I remebered the hurt on the waiter's face when he mentioned I had not been in for a while. We had only flirted but never exchanged numbers or had gone out. We talked about a drink once but that never happened. Since he worked for tips I never really took his flirtations seriously. Oh and after all it was me and I can not imagine any one would be interested no matter how bad I would like someone to be.

I know I have posted some of this before but it does rear it's ugly head from time to time.

The no T eunuch's need for love and affection can be quite strong. The victim in me is fearful of being intimate and abused in any way. So half of me is craving and the other half is very fearful. I sometimes feel like the Pushmi-pullyu from Dr. Dolittle.

[tugon]

Wow I am going to Paris. Most of the time I get excited but at other times I become nervous. So many firsts in this one trip. My first trip abroad, first time in Paris and first time flying somewhere both alone and not meeting up with someone on the other end.

This is a far cry from the days I did not even want to go outside. This is so far from my days as victim. I even realized today I am no longer stuck in survivor mode. As Mame would say "Life is a banquet and most poor suckers are starving". Not a good line for these bad economic times but more related to my ability to live again. I am ready for life again and the banquet of events and surprises it can offer.

I have never done anything before that was so totaly for me. Going alone will allow me to truly do what I want when I want. I find it very easy to put others first so this will be away for me to get in touch with my wants and needs. I am sure I will be walking around in awe.

Cheers to the return of my adventurous spirit. Goodby to fear and seclusion. How are they going to keep me down on the farm once I have seen Paris?

[Danya]

On a number of levels, your Paris trip sounds like it will be very good for you. I'm glad you are doing something entirely for yourself, too.

[EricaAnn]

Wow I am going to Paris. Most of the time I get excited but at other times I become nervous. So many firsts in this one trip. My first trip abroad, first time in Paris and first time flying somewhere both alone and not meeting up with someone on the other end.

This is a far cry from the days I did not even want to go outside. This is so far from my days as victim. I even realized today I am no longer stuck in survivor mode. As Mame would say "Life is a banquet and most poor suckers are starving". Not a good line for these bad economic times but more related to my ability to live again. I am ready for life again and the banquet of events and surprises it can offer.

I have never done anything before that was so totaly for me. Going alone will allow me to truly do what I want when I want. I find it very easy to put others first so this will be away for me to get in touch with my wants and needs. I am sure I will be walking around in awe.

Cheers to the return of my adventurous spirit. Goodby to fear and seclusion. How are they going to keep me down on the farm once I have seen Paris?

Have fun Tugon. I've never been there but I understand Paris is absolutely beautiful, especially in the spring. I'm also glad to hear that you're doing something for yourself.
BTW, any extra room in your luggage? I'd love to be a stow away, but in might get a bit cold in the luggage compartment.

Take lots of photos and please share them with us when you get back.

Hugs,