Decision Made & Going For It!

[EricaAnn]

Thanks for your assistance Terri. I do appreciate it.
I'm now up to 4 Mg.'s per day on my estrogen intake. That's up 1 Mg. from the past 4 weeks. My breasts have become tender again and I have noticed an increase in their size and rate of development. OMG, it's wonderful!
And thank God, after just 8 1/2 months the estrogen is finally beginning to effect my face. My facial features are beginning to.....for the lack of a better term "soften". I'm also pretty excited about this. It's my understanding that the face is the last part of your body to develop or show the effects of FHRT....in other words....the hardest part to change.
Electrolysis is also going well, but proving to be a bit more painful than originally anticipated. But what can a TG/Girl do? The beard has got to go!
Going out to the night club again this weekend with my spouse dressed as myself. Hope to have the same great time as always.

[EricaAnn]

To all my friends,

The events of the last few days have become too much of a burden to deal with. My situation has already caused too much pain, hurt and sorrow for my dearest spouse and my children.
I have given much thought to this whole GID issue and it has reached the point in my life where I can't deal with it anymore......so I guess this is..... good by.
Thanks to each and everyone for being my friend. I have appreciated your support and help.
Maybe.....in the next life....I can truly be me.

[lindaleah]

Dear EricaAnn



I am so sorry things aren’t going well with you but please assure me you will not do anything to hurt yourself!! Life doesn’t always give us what we want when we want it but I will assure you if you think back there were times when you felt things would never happen and yet they eventually did. And even if not how do you know what the future holds??? I Just heard of an 80 year old who transitioned so never never give up. I also am backing off for now but will continue low level FHRT and will do what I can to feed the female in me.



I care



LindaLeah

[bryan]

Everyone,

I just spoke with Erica's spouse. Erica left work early today and has been missing for five hours. The police have been contacted. Everyone is very worried about her.

Erica: If you are reading this, please let your loved ones know you are okay. Give me a call, too, so we can talk.

To others: Prayers for Erica's safety are appreciated!

UPDATE: Erica just came home and is safe. Very depressed, however.

Change that prayer request to one for Erica's encouragement (and gratitude for her safety).

Terri

[plix]

Erica,

I am so glad to hear you are safe. You had me very scared for a little while (I didn't read far enough to see Terri's update at first). I just want you to know that I care and you can always drop me a line if you want to chat. I am in a position where I cannot transition, so I deal with a lot of pain everyday and know what GID feels like. I hope you are able to find a way to make everything work the way you want it to, because no matter what, that is always possible.

Stay safe and please don't give up.

[EricaAnn]

Hi Everyone,

Thank you very much for the concern. I do appreciate it. There was never a chance for any suicidal actions. I'm not that type of person. I could never take my own life for the following reasons.

1. I firmly believe that life itself is a Gift from God. It is not up to me to decide when this gift of life will end. That is strictly up to Our Lord.
2. I'm a coward. I can't hurt myself even if I tried.
3. The last 8 1/2 months since I started transition have been the best months of my life! Why would I choose now to end my life when it's just starting to go my way?

Needless to say, I could not convince the police of this fact.... since my spouse had called them thinking that I was going to take my own life, so I ended up spending Friday night and Saturday morning in the Physc ward of the local hospital. What a HORRIBLE and HUMILIATING experience that was! God, I never want to go through that ever again!
So since the weekend was trashed from the start, I decided to get the rest of what I needed to do done. I went to both my parents houses on Sunday and told them about me and the GID. Dad took it a lot better than Mom....that's for sure. A lot of cussing and swearing on Mom's part.
Oh well, that was my weekend. I sincerely hope that yours was better!

[Taylor]

Hang in there Erica Ann. There are always people here who understand.

[EricaAnn]

Hi all,

Well, it would appear that the fall out from my big announcement to my family is starting to come in......and it's not good. My only sibling, my brother, called my youngest son tonight, I guess in an effort to see where he stands on my GID/transition issue. In this conversation he related the fact the he "was going to write me off". Take that for what it's worth. And based on my brother's relationship with my Mother, I've got a feeling that she's pretty much in the same camp...even though I haven't heard from her yet and possibly won't. That's the kind of person she is.
The jury is still out on my Dad and his wife. I haven't heard from them either, but then again it's only been a day since I told them.
I knew that this was going to be a long and difficult journey and many who have traveled this road ahead of me have also warned me of the dangers and the possible losses....and now I'm getting the chance to experience it first hand, but there is an old saying that goes.......No pain, No gain! Acceptance seems to be a very hard thing to find in this world.
My brother did say that if I put aside this "crazy behavior" I could be a part of the family again. WOW! If that's not a case of typical conditional love, I've never see one!
But to put myself away, my real self, Erica, would be too high a price to pay for this conditional love. There is no decision....I have to be me. It's just that simple, besides who knows what the next condition may be for their love. God only knows!
So I may have to continue on in my life without them, which will certainly be both of our losses.

[Robby]

EricaAnn,

Glad to see you posting again. You know what people say, "There is nothing better than tough love." Not sure who said that but I have experienced it first hand much the same way you are now.

I also know that true love is unconditional love and you have a good head on your shoulders to know who loves you. Mr. Brother has the nerve to say, "if I put aside this "crazy behavior" I could be a part of the family again." Who does he think he is, the second coming of the Mesiah?

Your difficulties are not going away soon but you seem like the person who could handle them as they come. Meeting you at the first MidWest E.A. Meeting was fantastic. You and the lovely Miss E are wonderful people and hopefully we will get to meet again.

Be strong, know the one you love and
"Hate new york city
Its cold and its damp
And all the people dressed like monkeys
Lets leave chicago to the eskimos
That towns a little too rugged
For you and me, you bad girl"...
Randy Newman, I Love L.A.

Take care my friend,

[EricaAnn]

Hi Everyone!

It's been a few weeks since since I posted and my fateful weekend and just wanted to let everyone know that things are going much better.
The weekend before I had dinner with Terri, who has now moved into the area. She was of great assistance in helping me purge some of my heartache from the events of the previous weekend. The spouse and me also went out to dinner with another couple we met while out at a local TG friendly night club. We met Geri, who is a CD, on his first night out dressed. His spouse Johanna is a wonderful person and is on her way to accepting Geri. We had a great time together!
We also went to a rather unique church service conducted by Dignity Chicago and designed to service the G.L.B.T. community. It was a very moving experience for me.....for it was the very first time in my life that I worshiped as myself. It was wonderful!
Things are also picking up with the higher estrogen dosage, as prescribed by my doctor. My breasts are tender again and I'm experiencing a growth spurt. Things are also moving along in the redistribution area. My waistline is continuing to shrink and my hips are wider. Now that's all real good!
I still haven't heard anything from my family since my big announcement of two weeks ago, but that doesn't surprise me. Maybe with some time, they'll come back around, but maybe not! I'm really starting to understand the pain and loss associated with GID and it's hard, very hard. But at least I still have the support of my spouse and a few select friends.


P.S.: I have noticed the same thing Robby....few and few posts on the site. Wondering if it has anything to do with the turmoil over the political forum and recent departure of certain key members of the community?

[EricaAnn]

Hi!

It's been a good last few days. Between the Midwest E.A. meeting this past weekend, the progress and the effects of the H.R.T. on me, both mentally and physically and my second appointment with my Endocrinologist tonight.....it's been good.
Once again, I got a pretty through examination by him with all the normal things like blood pressure testing and blood samples for hormone testing. He has now increased my estrogen dosage to 5 Mg.'s a day, which is very exciting....at least to me. My breasts had already become pretty tender at 4 Mg.'s a day and are showing good signs of growth. I've achieved a solid and substantial "A" cup and I'm well on my way to filling that long sought after "B". I can't wait to see what 5 Mg.'s is going to do! The fat redistribution is also well under way and I can continue to see the effects that it's starting to take on my face.
The overall feeling of...how can I put this....um....general well being is about the best term I can come up with. It's wonderful just to be happy instead of all those other feelings that so well associated with GID.
OMG! It's almost like it's too good to be true. I keep thinking that I'm going to wake up and find out that it's all been a dream.

[lindaleah]

I am so happy for you. Hope it all continues the way you want.

LindaLeah

[EricaAnn]

Hi Everyone,

Just really depressed today. I've been having to deal with the bill from the hospital from that very unfortunate incident that occurred 4 weeks ago with the Phyc ward and it's just brought back all the frustration, hurt and memories from that night. I was doing pretty good and time was beginning to heal and put some distance between me and that incident, but now it's all back and in my face again.
I can't even begin to put into words the feelings I'm experiencing, i.e.; the humiliation, the loss of dignity and self worth and the loss of my own inner pride is really depressing me, like I have never been depressed in my entire life. I even found myself praying for an early death this afternoon. I can't do it myself, but maybe the Lord will bring this existence to end. One can only hope.
I don't know if I can go on in my life without my dignity and self respect. What's really ironic is that in everyone's rush and panic to help that night, they actually did more harm to me than good. I feel like damaged goods and just don't know how to get it back again.
Hopefully the Lord will hear my prays and answer them soon.

[lilac]

Hi Erica Ann, I am sorry to hear your going through all these depressing feelings. I can only imagine. I sure hope things get better for you sweetie. I know how bills can be, and the phone calls too. I really enjoyed talking to you in the chatroom, it was nice to see you there. I've had a lot of depression this past year myself. I keep a lot of it inside, sometimes I talk to my friends here, and my boyfriend in Portugal. I went to visit him back in April for 2 weeks. It was the most happiest time i've had in a long long time. I get very depressed wondering when I'm gonna get back to him. I do truely love him very much..... But enough of me. Erica Ann, I surely hope you get those bad thoughts out of you mind, I surely want to keep you as a friend. And I know many here that want you also as there friend. So please try not to let them bad memories get to you, we love you here girlfriend. Take Care.

love, Lilac

[thefraj]

Erica, so sorry to hear yesterday wasn't all that great But each day brings a new promise, and new possibilities. I can't pretend to know what you're going through, but things will get better, I promise. I have been down that dark well myself before and my heart goes out to you. I know what you mean - particularly by the "loss of dignity". You have a community here who loves you and cares about you. And - believe it or not - (I didn't when I woke up in hospital!) - they do these things because they care.

My parents wouldn't talk to me for a while after they found out I was visiting Dr Kimmel. I'm very sure they will eventually warm up to the idea. Blood is thicker than water, and they are your parents.

There is a poem I remember reading at that time in my life I would like to share with you, if I may:

One night I dreamed a dream.
I was walking along the beach with my Lord. Across the dark sky flashed scenes from my life. For each scene, I noticed two sets of footprints in the sand, one belonging to me and one to my Lord.

When the last scene of my life shot before me I looked back at the footprints in the sand. There was only one set of footprints. I realized that this was at the lowest and saddest times of my life. This always bothered me and I questioned the Lord about my dilemma.

"Lord, You told me when I decided to follow You, You would walk and talk with me all the way. But I'm aware that during the most troublesome times of my life there is only one set of footprints. I just don't understand why, when I need You most, You leave me."

He whispered, "My precious child, I love you and will never leave you, never, ever, during your trials and testings. When you saw only one set of footprints, It was then that I carried you."

I will be thinking of you. Please keep writing, posting your feelings so we can all help. I'm sure everyone here wants to see you get back to your true self real soon . And extra huge cuddles really help

Please PM me anytime you are feeling down. I'm probably the last person you want to speak to . But hey, it's always great to talk

Take care,