One Eunuch's Journey

[EunuchAusTX]

I visited my dad yesterday. He was in good spirits, although he still misses my mom terribly. I sometimes get the feeling when I visit him that he's just waiting to die so he can be with her, but I didn't get that impression this time. He was talking about future visits with my out-of-state siblings and overall seemed to be in a good mood. Of course I always miss my mom when I go to visit my dad. I still half expect to see her in the kitchen working on dinner or something. It's been 16 months since her passing and I'm still not quite used to the idea of her being gone.

[EunuchAusTX]

I went to pick up my meds today and found out my discount card for my Saphris is no longer valid. Without it the copay is $150 a month which I can't possibly afford. Fortunately I have a month's worth of samples that my psych gave me in January. Once that runs out I'll have to see if he can prescribe an alternative that I can afford and that will do a comparable job. It sucks because I've been doing pretty well with the Saphris as part of my regimen and I don't really want to have to adjust to a new drug, but I guess it can't be helped.

[EunuchAusTX]

I’ve been thinking about Chris lately. Chris was a fellow student in my high school drama class back in 1984-5. We were both kind of misfits so we wound up becoming friendly with each other. He was a year younger than me. I liked him but didn’t think too much about him—he was just another classmate. That all changed one day early in the spring semester when Chris informed me not only that he was gay, but that he was in love with me.

Now, I’d had the inkling since I was thirteen that I might be gay, but at sixteen the idea still terrified me. All I knew about being gay was what I saw on tv, which was that your family disowned you and you got AIDS. So here was this kid confronting me with a part of myself I just didn’t want to deal with. I told him I was straight and pointed out that I had a girlfriend as evidence. He asked if we could still be friends and, not wanting to look like a jerk, I said yes. So we continued like that for a while. Somewhere along the line we exchanged phone numbers and began to have conversations on the phone after school hours.

As this was going on my gay side began to assert itself a little bit and I became intensely curious about what it would be like to be with Chris. Eventually I worked up my courage enough to admit to him that I was curious. He let me in on the fact that another of our drama classmates was gay and the three of us began to hang out together at lunch. I felt a sense of belonging with them that I didn’t feel elsewhere and in truth I was attracted to Chris, but I just couldn’t work up the nerve to act on that attraction. As our friendship developed we spent more and more time together. I had my driver’s license and would visit him at his house. Occasionally he would get his parents to drop him off at my house. We’d listen to music together and talk. And the more time we spent together, the more conflicted I became. I began to want Chris, both physically and emotionally, but the more those feelings asserted themselves the more afraid I became. We spent much of that summer hanging out together and my conflicted feelings just about drove me insane.

You would think I would just stop associating with him, especially after he transferred to a different high school the following fall, but it wasn’t that simple. I couldn’t act on my desires, but I couldn’t stay away from him either. I was torturing myself, and I suppose I was torturing Chris as well. He made it clear he was willing to settle for my friendship but wanted more, and I gave him just enough encouragement to hope that I might one day return his love.

Finally I went away to college, where loneliness and my own internalized homophobia drove me to become a born again Christian. I had promised to keep in touch with Chris, but after my conversion I began to see him as a negative influence and touched base with him less and less often. By spring semester I had pretty much completely fallen out of touch with him.

I saw him a couple of times that next summer, but a year apart and my newfound religion had created distance between us. He’d had a boyfriend while I was gone and was no longer harboring any strong feelings for me. I was still somewhat conflicted about my feelings for him but the possibility of anything happening between us was more remote than ever. I suppose it was inevitable that we would drift apart at that point. The last I heard he was attending college somewhere in Pennsylvania.

I’ve thought about Chris many times in the years since. I’ve wondered how different my life might have been if I’d been able to accept my gay side and return his love. I don’t know if we would have stayed together, but I’m sure that many of my post high school choices would have been different. I’m sure I wouldn’t have attended a Christian college and gone overboard on religion, with all of the bad choices that led to (giving up music as my major, getting into a dysfunctional relationship that wrecked my grades, eventually dropping out of college altogether, the list goes on…). I’m sure I wouldn’t have spent all those miserable years in the closet. And I can’t help but think that depression and anxiety wouldn’t have had nearly the impact on my life that they have.

I’ve wondered many times how Chris’ life turned out. Wherever he is, I hope he is happy. I hope he is successful. I hope he has someone special to share his life with. I hope that if he remembers me, he remembers me as a good friend. I know that I, for one, will never forget him.

[EunuchAusTX]

Troy starts his vacation tomorrow! I get to have him with me for 9 straight days. We're going to Dallas Sunday to visit my cutter and then to Six Flags Over Texas on Monday. We may also work in a day trip to Six Flags Fiesta Texas in San Antonio. Other than that we'll just be hanging out at home and around town. I'm really looking forward to it.

[EunuchAusTX]

Had a great visit with my cutter and his partner yesterday, followed by a great day at Six Flags today. The New Texas Giant is freakin' awesome! Going to take it easy tomorrow, have a friend over for dinner Wed., then to Fiesta Texas on Thur. What a great vacation!

[EunuchAusTX]

Last night Troy went to bed about an hour and a half before me. When I joined him in bed he woke up just enough to roll over and indicate that he wanted to hold me. I lay there in his arms, relishing the intimacy and thinking how nice it was to just cuddle, with no thought or expectation of sex. It wasn't the first time my thoughts have gone along those lines. Up to now I've enjoyed having a moderately active sex life with Troy, but recently I've found myself feeling relieved every night that he hasn't tried to initiate sex, and I'm feeling conflicted about that. I've known since my castration that the time could come when I would lose all interest and desire for sex, but I'm not sure I'm ready for that to happen just yet. It's not that I'm worried about losing Troy; he's made it clear that he would still love me even if he can't have sex with me. It's not a matter of feeling obligated to him, since he has 2-3 friends that he plays with so he has an outlet if I'm not interested. I think it's just that I can't imagine what a sexless relationship would be like, and I worry about the loss of intimacy. I mean, I know you can have intimacy without sex, but still it's a concern. If I truly am becoming asexual, I guess we'll adjust. I just thought this change would come years from now, if at all, and I'm not sure how I feel about it happening now.

[jako9999]

Hi how about taking a small amount of T I now take 2.5mg of testim gel and I have gone from wanting sex all the time and masterbating 3 -4 times a day to my morning wood which soon goes down and no other erections all day unless my wife or I want it then we have to work at it, and I dont want it any more just every now and then. The change is amazing, try just 1mg per day for a couple of weeks and see what happens if nothing then up it to 2mg and so on.
I hope you sort it out.

Good luck.

[EunuchAusTX]

Last night Troy and I had an honest talk about my declining interest in sex. He reassured me that he's in love with me, not my dick or ass, and that as long as he can still cuddle and hold me he can live without a sexual component to our relationship. He pointed out that our open relationship allows him an outlet for his sexual urges, and that he understood when I became a eunuch that loss of sex drive was part of the package. We briefly discussed the possibility of going on hormones but agreed that's not the right path for me. We agreed that cuddling, snuggling, holding, etc. are more important than sex for maintaining intimacy. I feel somewhat better about the situation after our talk, although it is still an adjustment to get used to the idea of an asexual relationship. I'm sure I'll get used to it in time.

[Milkman]

This has actually taken many years , no? Your sex drive stayed quite high for a long time, if I remember some of your other comments

[EunuchAusTX]

My sex drive was definitely higher than average for a no-T eunuch, which is one reason the change took me by surprise. I thought it would happen gradually but it seemingly happened all at once. One week I was happy to have sex and the next it was the last thing I wanted. It was very sudden which is why I'm finding it such a big adjustment.

[EunuchAusTX]

Today Troy left for work and got to the end of our street when the car died and wouldn't start again. The engine cranks but won't turn over. A very nice man helped him push it into an adjacent parking lot so it wouldn't be sitting in the street. Then he walked home and called a wrecker to have it towed in to the shop. As of now we have no idea what's wrong, how much it's going to cost to fix it, or for that matter how we're going to pay for it. Not to mention that we're stuck at home with no transportation until it's fixed. Blah!

[EunuchAusTX]

Well it turns out the timing belt broke on the car. Plus it bent some valves when it broke and those have to be repaired as well. Total cost $3200! We managed to borrow the money from Troy's parents and are going to pay them back as we can. They also discovered we need new motor mounts but that's an additional $400 that we couldn't come up with so that will have to wait. The car won't be ready until next Friday so we had to spend the money we had set aside for the car payment on a rental so Troy can get to work. Not sure how we're going to make that up. It's just frustrating and depressing that every time we have an emergency come up we have to go to one of our parents for help. We have got to build up a savings buffer somehow. Problem is we live paycheck to paycheck with no extra left at the end of the week so don't know how we can do that. It's a real dilemma and I don't know how we're going to solve it.

[Hash]

I am not a financial guru or even a good money manager myself, however, I have learned some tools that helped alleviate my financial problems. I work two jobs sometimes and try to put the extra money in a savings "no touch" account until I've accrued a thousand dollars. That's emergency money and emergency money only. I don't touch it unless my car breaks down, or washing machine goes on the fritz, or a bill comes in unexpectedly. Then, once I use a portion of the money, I replace it as quickly as I can. You might also look for some way to earn a little extra money on the side, open an ebay account, if you don't know how, you can find all the info you need on the internet. Go to yard sales, buy some items that you can resell on ebay to earn extra cash. Books are still popular with a lot of people. You can buy a book for .25-.50 cents and turn around and sell them on ebay for several dollars. It all adds up. Hope I've helped. Hash
P.S.
You've got to work harder sometimes to get ahead. People who open up new businesses sometimes work more than 80 hours a week, it takes hard work. I know you might not want to hear that, I certainly didn't, but I'm 54 and still working two jobs.

[EunuchAusTX]

Well we finally got the car back Tuesday after two weeks in the shop. Turns out it also needs a new high speed fan for the a/c but that's another $500 we don't have so that will have to wait. We may have to do without the a/c this summer to keep from overheating the engine. Hopefully that way we can nurse it along until next tax refund season.

On top of that I'm worried about my dad. I knew he was having some health issues but apparently they are more serious than he's been letting on. He needs surgery to relieve artery blockage in his legs but they can't do it until some problem with his kidneys is corrected. He's on medication for the kidney problem but it seems to be taking a long time to correct. The blockage is causing him a great deal of pain so he is also on pain killers. He also has a small hernia but again they can't operate until the kidney problem is fixed.

I'm also getting very depressed about how long it is taking to get a hearing on my social security disability application. It's been almost a year since I requested the hearing and still no word. The longer it takes the longer I am forced to rely on my dad for help with rent money. If something doesn't happen soon I may have to cancel the application and try to find a job that I can handle doing and that won't cause panic attacks. I don't know what kind of job that might be. I just know I'm feeling worse and worse about the situation as it is. I never dreamed it would take this long.

All in all this has not been a good month. Hope next month goes better. *sigh*

[Elizabeth]

Last night Troy went to bed about an hour and a half before me. When I joined him in bed he woke up just enough to roll over and indicate that he wanted to hold me. I lay there in his arms, relishing the intimacy and thinking how nice it was to just cuddle, with no thought or expectation of sex. It wasn't the first time my thoughts have gone along those lines. Up to now I've enjoyed having a moderately active sex life with Troy, but recently I've found myself feeling relieved every night that he hasn't tried to initiate sex, and I'm feeling conflicted about that. I've known since my castration that the time could come when I would lose all interest and desire for sex, but I'm not sure I'm ready for that to happen just yet. It's not that I'm worried about losing Troy; he's made it clear that he would still love me even if he can't have sex with me. It's not a matter of feeling obligated to him, since he has 2-3 friends that he plays with so he has an outlet if I'm not interested. I think it's just that I can't imagine what a sexless relationship would be like, and I worry about the loss of intimacy. I mean, I know you can have intimacy without sex, but still it's a concern. If I truly am becoming asexual, I guess we'll adjust. I just thought this change would come years from now, if at all, and I'm not sure how I feel about it happening now.

I think of things this way. Sex is a major part of any relationship, but not as a piece of the puzzle. Sex is the glue that holds everything else together. By itself it may not seem that like a loss, but sex allows us to tolerate those things about our loved ones that we might not without that sexual glue. While sex might not be the mainstay of your relationship, it affects every other part of the relationship. I would not want my partner having their needs met with someone else because then they have the glue and not me.

Elizabeth