My life

[Danya]

Many parts of my life, and the happiness I feel since transitioning, still seem very new and remarkable to me. Quite different from the way I viewed things in my earlier years.

I have noticed, and friends who knew me before and now have too, that I talk a lot more now. Caffeine makes me talk even more. It seems trite to say I am high on life, but in some ways I am exactly that. Not all the time, by any means. Much of the time, though, I feel like I am in the process of discovering an entire new, wonderful world. While this is still a stressful time for me, I feel fulfilled. I want to feel more fulfilled, too. I want to do many things; I will never have time for all of them.

I imagine all of this talking about how terrific everything is can be difficult for friends. I have read that transitioning is a time when one is very focused on oneself, out of necessity. So much in the transitioning person's life is changing, both emotionally and physically. It can be a lot to handle. While I take lots of time to listen to friends, and help when I can, I am certain that at this time in my life I am, in a sense, self-centered. So I appreciate the people in my life who listen patiently and with some understanding.

I am still waiting to hear about 'the job.' No news is good news in this case. Better yet if I am offered this position.

Meanwhile, an agency recruiter contacted me today about a permanent job at another downtown corporation.

When I got home, I had a phone message from another recruiter about a science job, of all things. Although I have a science education and experience, I have not worked in this field for 12 years. The recruiter was still interested, even though my resume shows when I last worked in chemistry. I will return his call tomorrow.

I have spent three evenings this week helping 'X' with his organic chemistry homework and studies. Last night, he was feeling really discouraged after learning he had nearly flunked an exam. Over an inexpensive dinner, we discussed the material to be covered in today's quiz. I felt really bad because I thought I was failing him as a teacher. I know how much he wants to succeed and he tries very hard.

I told him I thought he was getting most of the basics. He was simply finding it difficult to put it all together. Organic chemistry is a very difficult course. For a 57-year old, who has never been to college before, it can be very daunting.

Later, I called him after I got in bed to say goodnight. He mentioned he had finally figured out the answer to a homework problem. I asked him what the question was. He did not want to bother me when I was hoping to soon be asleep. I insisted.

When he described the problem to me, and his answer, I realized he did not understand a basic concept. I gently explained this to him and reviewed some other key concepts I knew would be on the quiz.

He spoke with the professor before class, who told him I had given him the right information. He trusts me on these things, but it is still good for him to get this reassurance. His teacher gave him some additional help. She may be better at this than me since she works with students regularly.

I called him around 5 PM to ask how things were going. He wound up getting an 'A' on the quiz. He was encouraged and I was very happy for him.

After work, I returned to one of my favorite places: the Chicago Botanic Garden. As I told a friend on the drive home (one of those patient friends ), all parts of the garden are filled with flowing water. From lakes and streams to fountains of many types - all provide variations on the soothing sounds of flowing water. Parts of the landscape are trimmed and shaped to mimic stones and cascading water.

I am usually in a meditative frame of mind at the garden. This was particularly good for me today. On the drive from work, I was listening to a triple fugue in Brahms German Requiem and I was fascinated by it. Some chorus singers have stated that the movement with this triple fugue is one of the most difficult pieces they have sung. It is also very effective and its complex beauty does not have to be understood for one to appreciate it.

The complexity is held together, in part, by a continuous low D played on the kettle drums. This is barely heard yet it does help unify the end of the third movement.

For a time, though, I needed a break from attempting to unravel this complex work. My time at the garden did the trick.

[butterflyjack]

Whew! Thank goodness you're okay..I was worried about you (actually, more like: I missed you!). Your life seems to be really gelling...You now see what we've been telling you is so true...You are eminently competent and desirable in many ways...Your telling of your experience at the outdoor show is wonderful...I wish I were there...smooches dragonfly

[Danya]

Whew! Thank goodness you're okay..I was worried about you (actually, more like: I missed you!). Your life seems to be really gelling...You now see what we've been telling you is so true...You are eminently competent and desirable in many ways...Your telling of your experience at the outdoor show is wonderful...I wish I were there...smooches dragonfly

Hi dragonfly,

You are very kind. I wanted to write more about the concert at Millennium Park. I decided not to, thinking most people skip over those types of things.

I am exhausted so I will not even make an attempt checking this for errors.

There are signs my work life is starting to come together. No company has offered me a permanent job, though. Signs are good that this will happen one way or another. When is still an open question.

I am still waiting to hear from the company where I had three interviews. The last of these was Monday.

Today over the lunch hour, I interviewed with an agency recruiter at her downtown office about six blocks from mine. This was for a permanent job. She is submitting my resume to this company.

I told a good friend here that I am lucky to have a number of avenues to explore in work and in avocations. His response is right on: it is not so much that one is lucky. We make our own luck.

I have worked very hard, over decades, to develop whatever competencies I was blessed with at birth. Since I transitioned, all of these have been coming together in a more rewarding way.

Each of us has our own unique combination of gifts. At times, I think I just talk about mine more than other people do.

'X' does not feel he is anywhere near close to my level of competency. I don't look at it that way. He has raised a family, something I never did. I do not view his working toward an undergraduate degree in his 50s as any less an accomplishment than my earning my doctoral degree in my 40s. We are simply starting from different places.

Too tired to continue tonight....I spent a long day at the office. Then I helped 'X' with chemistry for nearly 3 hours.

[John]

Hi Dahya!

Let me guess that if you now sit in a non permanent job and they are satisfied with your performance they will ask you to stay as employee when you finally have had your surgery done, some kind of the same situation as women who are pregnant and applying for jobs always have had to face.

Still keeping my fingers crossed and remembering you in my prayers.

Greetings

John

[butterflyjack]

Wow...it's Doctor Danya.... I knew there was some real intellect behind all this...I hope you've had a good night's sleep...You don't obsess on your attributes. Au contraire, you seem to downplay them...X is one lucky guy..
smooches dragonfly(pale pink toenails)

[Danya]

Hi Dahya!

Let me guess that if you now sit in a non permanent job and they are satisfied with your performance they will ask you to stay as employee when you finally have had your surgery done, some kind of the same situation as women who are pregnant and applying for jobs always have had to face.

Still keeping my fingers crossed and remembering you in my prayers.

Greetings

John

Hi John,

It's always good to hear from you. You are correct, my non permanent job may turn into a permanent one. They may ask me to be a regular employee long before surgery.

I appreciate your good wishes and prayers.

Best wishes,
Danya

Wow...it's Doctor Danya.... I knew there was some real intellect behind all this...I hope you've had a good night's sleep...[/QUOTEYou don't obsess on your attributes. Au contraire, you seem to downplay them...X is one lucky guy..
smooches dragonfly(pale pink toenails)

I never tell people at the office that I have a PhD. It's irrelevant to the work I am doing. The only people there who know are those I interviewed with, because I list my education on my resume.

So I never go by "Doctor Danya." The only reason for me to use this would be for business purposes. And I'd have to work in science again for that to apply.

Anyway, all PhD means is "Piled Higher and Deeper."

'X' and I spent much of the day in two state parks on Lake Michigan in the state of Michigan. High sand dunes border much of the lake's shoreline in Indiana and Michigan. A stiff westerly breeze helped whip up strong surf, producing large ocean type waves. Although the day was chilly, there were wind surfers and a few hang gliders.

We enjoyed walking along the wide beaches, backed by tall grass and tree covered dunes. I always find the sound of crashing waves to be soothing.

At the second park we visited, I did something I haven't in decades. There was a swing set large enough for adults. I spent 15 minutes on the swings and then went down the sliding board twice.

[butterflyjack]

I love the Great Lakes...As a little guy , I stayed at my grandfathers little cottage on Lake Erie in Turkey Point, Ontario...all summer.. I've been fishing in Lake Ontario in New York, where I now reside. It's lovely, too... They are like mini oceans...Beautiful..I like the description of the sand dunes on the shore of Michigan...and the vision of you swinging on a swing...mmm..
Has that PhD ever gotten you "overqualified"?
smooches dragonfly

[Danya]

Hi dragonfly,

I have not worked in the science field of my PhD for 12 years. This is rarely brought up in interviews. All of my experience since then is related to what I am now doing. Once or twice, and interviewer has asked how they can know I will not go back to working in science. The reality is it would be difficult for me to do so, with the possible exception of teaching.

More often, potential employers look at this degree as evidence that I am an analytical thinker. They value that.

[Danya]

Sometimes, I have to wonder if having a serious relationship is worth it. In the end, I am fairly confident I will feel it is. At this point, I do not know if I will ever be in a long-term intimate relationship.

There can be so many differences to work through in any relationship. Some may be insurmountable. With 'X,' only time will tell.

I have been told by someone (not on the Archive) whom I will not name that I should not allow my opinions to be overly influenced by other PhDs. They do not represent the 'common man.' It seems then that, based on this conclusion, the opinions of people with PhDs are suspect.

Furthermore, I have been informed, PhDs cannot relate to the 'common man.' They do no manual labor. There is, of course, the unstated implication that 'common man' is the state one should seek. It is closer to what is natural and (this more or less stated) unsullied by the liberal biases of the educational establishment.

Finally, as someone who has a PhD, my attitudes are necessarily part of a particular 'group think' mind set. I have been warned to be wary of this.

My response is:

1. I count only a few PhDs among my friends. There is only one I communicate with somewhat regularly. I do not seek to 'hang out' with people who hold PhDs. Some of them are idiots. Having a PhD probably means you are persistent, reasonably intelligent (as are many without any degrees) and that you likely know a whole lot about a small area of one subject among many. This degree can open doors that otherwise might remain closed to you. That's about it.

2. Most of my friends do not have advanced degrees. Some have no education beyond high school. This makes no difference to me. Many of these people are just as talented as me or more so. They are valuable members of society, they hold certain values dear for their own reasons that are to be respected, they make important contributions to society and their families and so on.

3. Over the years, I have known people with PhDs who are what I would consider "common men." I do not believe having a PhD and being a common man (or woman) are necessarily incompatible.

4. I have met others with PhDs who have inordinately high opinions of themselves and the value of their work. Some do look down their noses at the less educated. Shame on them for holding onto such a shallow attitude. I do not need such people in my life.

5. I think all of us are, to varying degrees, susceptible to 'group think.' Whatever group-think happens to appeal to our biases. We are all biased. This is unavoidable. The wise ones among us will be aware of their own biases and try to see beyond them.

On another subject, I am getting ready to send my surgery deposit. I am hopeful I will have a permanent job soon to help pay for these expenses.

[butterflyjack]

Wow Danya...you said a mouthful..Hehe...And who the eff wants to be "the common man"? I'd much rather be the uncommon man..the man who searches for truths...the man who seeks to help his fellow "uncommon man"..or woman.
One is worthless unless one physically "works" for a living...? Geezuz...What Luddite thinking..I love your thinking....smooches dragonfly

[gareth19]

Furthermore, I have been informed, PhDs cannot relate to the 'common man.' They do no manual labor.

Does your informant have any idea how many "common men" actually perform manual labor? The common man probably couldn't tie a square knot, dig a fence post hole, or kill a chicken to save his life. I hope you don't count such a jaded, suspicious, prententious person among your friends. You deserve better.

[Danya]

Wow Danya...you said a mouthful..Hehe...And who the eff wants to be "the common man"? I'd much rather be the uncommon man..the man who searches for truths...the man who seeks to help his fellow "uncommon man"..or woman.
One is worthless unless one physically "works" for a living...? Geezuz...What Luddite thinking..I love your thinking....smooches dragonfly

Dragonfly,

There are reasons this person feels this way. I still do not like it.

Does your informant have any idea how many "common men" actually perform manual labor? The common man probably couldn't tie a square knot, dig a fence post hole, or kill a chicken to save his life. I hope you don't count such a jaded, suspicious, prententious person among your friends. You deserve better.

Thank you, Gareth19, for your perceptive comments. You are right on.

[Danya]

1. I am still waiting to hear if I will be offered the "3-interview" job. A friend was just offered a job there, 2 1/2 months after they started the interview process. So it could be weeks more before I hear something.

2. Breasts very sore now that I am up to 10mg estradiol per day. I have had to abandon my preferred sleeping position.

3. Express mailed GRS deposit to Montreal this afternoon. I went to the post office in the first lower level of the Sears (Willis) Tower. A woman clerk there always recognizes me, even though I've only been there four or five times over the last few months.

4. Getting into a few 'deep' philosophical/spiritual text messaging at the office. This company is, by far, the most diverse in cultures, ethnic groups, religions and so on of any I have corporation I have worked at. The corporate diversity is also greater than that in the metro region.

One young man texts me and we soon go off on a tangent. After a few minutes, I ask what he needs. He typically responds that he 'almost forgot.' He is rather young and addresses me as "ma'am." I told him to feel free to call me by my first name if he were comfortable with this. He wrote that he is not, since I am 'wise and experienced -- and more than 15 years his senior'. I'm glad that, at least in conference calls, he does not announce to callers that "ma'am" has joined the meeting. He uses my name for these calls.

There are lots of things I want to write. I'm down with a bad cold, though. I don't have the energy. A woman friend at work said the cold gave me a 900-number type of sexy voice.

[Danya]

I'm still not feeling well. This afternoon, I was caught up at work and feeling really lousy. I had two late afternoon meetings, so I checked to see if my rescheduling these would be a problem. It was not, so I left early to rest at home and drink plenty of fluids.

I have mentioned that my workplace is highly diverse. I revel in this diversity.

Age is, for the most part, not an issue. At least not as far as being an older employee goes. There are quite a few of us.

A young Hindu man (I looked up the origin of his name) at the office never fails to treat me with the utmost respect. I imagine he is very polite with everyone. He says he should pay respect to my esteemed position and age. I'm not at all sure what 'esteemed position' he is referring to; we both work at a similar level.

He does seek advice from me on certain work matters.

The young man who sits next to me, whom I consider to be my mentor, now shares many thoughts on work and life with me. We are, to the extent possible and appropriate at work, becoming friends. I am easily old enough to be his mother. He is generous with his time and very willingly shares his knowledge.

Both the young Hindu man and my "next door neighbor" share thoughts and information with me through text messaging. I am starting to see more value in this mode of communication. No one can overhear, for one thing, although it is likely at least some of these messages are monitored by corporate security.

This morning, I had the rare opportunity to speak with a coworker by phone. Her computer was down, so there was no other option.

Multi-tasking is highly valued at the office. The studies showing that multi-tasking may lead one to erroneously think more is being accomplished (while in fact efficiency and effectiveness drop) are apparently unknown at work. Multi-tasking is both expected and admired.

Early in the afternoon, I was on a conference call with people in states spread out across the continent. At the same time, I was in text message chats with two coworkers. In addition, I was responding to the global help desk through their instant message program while answering an email.

[Danya]

I should have stuck with my earlier decision to stop regularly posting on EA, when I ended my transition thread. The thing is, I enjoy writing. As I have said, it also helps me sort through my emotions and thoughts. I will find another outlet for this.

This is a difficult time for me. I'm dealing with new emotional development, largely a result of my estrogen level being ramped up, at a time when I am under a lot of stress while I still seek a permanent job. I am concerned that what I write may not always be a true reflection of who I am. Instead, I'm revealing some of the processing of my thoughts and emotions. These are things that people interacting with me do not see and, especially at this point, that is probably a good thing.

The same thing applies here. I may be misunderstood and I do not want that.

I will post periodically on other parts of EA when I have something big to report. Like a new job

Many thanks to everyone on this site who has been so kind to me. This is a very personal decision and I ask that no one ask me to continue writing regularly.