Danya and Erica Ann, you both are real blessings. I am so proud of you. I dare not say too much or I will be admonished by one more powerful than I.. But God bless you both.
Danya and Erica Ann, you both are real blessings. I am so proud of you. I dare not say too much or I will be admonished by one more powerful than I.. But God bless you both.
"Christianity, if false, is of no importance, and if true, of infinite importance. The only thing it cannot be is moderately important" -CS Lewis
Hi Erica Ann,Originally Posted by EricaAnn
I cannot believe that doing injections twice a week at half the dose, instead of once a week, is the one thing I forgot to discuss with our doctor.
I'll talk about my hormone levels, which are still a problem, in another post.
I am going to assume that my experience will be similar to yours.After surgery, I will have some pain but not unbearable pain. I'm certain having someone there to help is a great idea.
I agree with you.
I have taken a number of rather large risks in my life, generally after giving things a lot of thought first.There are always risks in life, but you have faced risks before like the decision to transition and have come through just fine. Taking risks in life is what makes life interesting and worth living.
The only way I was able to move forward with transitioning was to stop relying on thinking and trust my feelings (or the Force, or....). Now I need to trust my feelings, too.
I spoke with our doctor about this last night. Although I'm not certain his opinion is unbiased, I know he says exactly what he thinks. I gave a summary of where I am at in my life, my finances, job prospects, transition and what I want most from life. I told him I would view him as a wise uncle.
This is exactly what I want, for my mind and body to match. The mind and body do not exist apart.
"First you jump of the cliff
and build your wings on the way down."
~ Ray Bradbury
Hi OneBallBoi,
You are such a sweetheart. Thanks for your kind words.
Hugs,
Danya
"First you jump of the cliff
and build your wings on the way down."
~ Ray Bradbury
My new employer is happy with my work. Late Friday, my boss told me that he had received excellent reports from people within his group. This was good to hear. At the downtown job, my boss always went to special pains to emphasize that people outside her group were thrilled with my work.
For now, I have no idea if I will be offered a permanent job. I learned last week that the company has a hiring freeze. My boss told us that this very well may be temporary.
Tuesday morning, I will lead a meeting to discuss my work, get feedback and find out ways to help on additional projects.
My new boss also told me that I am "stealth but do excellent work." I in no way think he was implying I am living in "stealth" mode.
__________________________________________________ ________
Although my estrogen level is higher on injections and approaching the minimum my doctor prefers for TS patients, he said my testosterone is now too low. It is, in fact, below the test detection limit. This may be why I feel so low on energy. I'm going to get in at least 45 minutes of walking every day to try to alleviate this. Rather than pay to use my suburb's facilities, I'll stop at the close to home mall after work to walk.
__________________________________________________ ________
Thursday afternoon, I had an ultrasound exam for gallstones. I should find out what's going on by late Monday.
"First you jump of the cliff
and build your wings on the way down."
~ Ray Bradbury
After giving it some thought, I decided to delete the very serious parts of this post. For the first time, it was not therapeutic for me to write about certain things. What follows is much shorter than the original.
I got the good news last night that my gallbladder is 100% normal. Hooray! No gallstones, no possible need for surgery. I may have a peptic ulcer. After I filled him in on some details, my doctor agreed that if I have an ulcer it may be medication related. We'll find out.
I also spoke with the good doctor, again, about my 'too low' testosterone level. Natal women have some testosterone. Mine is below the test detection limit. I asked if this could account for my low energy and down moods. This is when he chimed in with "You seem to be doing fine."
He agreed that we probably need to do something about my relative lack of testosterone. So the next time I see him, in a few weeks for blood work, we will discuss starting testosterone injections, at a low level of course. In fact, I will make an appointment for as soon as I can get one. I cannot wait a few weeks. I'm having trouble dealing with feeling tired nearly every waking moment. I feel tired when I get up, through the day, and I no longer experience my 'night person' energy. Too low testosterone in women is also associated with depression. Bingo! This has got to stop, and soon.
"First you jump of the cliff
and build your wings on the way down."
~ Ray Bradbury
I really hope that a little T does the trick for you. It sound like it may very well be the cause of your down mood and low energy.
Big hug, Stacy
Hi Stacy,
It's always good to hear from you. I have a Friday evening appointment with my HRT doctor. He let me know the last time I saw him that testosterone HRT would be good for me. When he said that, my first thought was "This is really strange. "
When I spoke to my doctor again Monday evening, to get my gallbladder ultrasound results, I brought up the T issue again. He told me that I am effectively chemically castrated. I certainly agreed with that.
I'm just not thrilled about adding yet another medication to my arsenal of pills, a patch and an inhaler. I will do what I must.
Hugs,
Danya
__________________________________________________ _________
I saw my psychiatrist early this morning, before work. He is probably 70 or older and seems to be more old school as far as his methods go. Many, perhaps most, contemporary psychiatrists do little therapy. They prescribe drugs and leave the therapy to psychologists or certain social workers.
Mine, though, spends a lot of time discussing life issues. He also has shared some of his personal experience with depression and how he has dealt with it.
He told me I might not need an antidepressant once I have GRS and get to a more stable employment situation. This may be true. On another visit, though, he told me that since I had not undergone intensive psychotherapy starting as a teen and ending in my late 20s, medication was a good option.
After GRS, I will have some sense of completion for my multi-year transition journey. My transition expenses in general will drop dramatically by that time, too. The financial strain will be much less.
I told him I needed to switch antidepressants. He's well aware of the close to $700 cost for a month's supply of my 'miracle' monoamine oxidase inhibitor patch. This is not available at a lower cost through a Canadian pharmacy. Nor is it available as a generic drug.
Sometime late next month, I'll switch to an antidepressant I've used before. I am no longer the same person who needed the miracle antidepressant. Being who I was always meant to be has given me an ongoing joy in life that I did not anticipate. I'm also more confident now. So I am hopeful I will continue to do well.
__________________________________________________ ___________
In my last post, I initially wrote at length about being an emotionally abandoned child. I've discussed this here before. This time, though, I was delving into things more deeply than I ever have. Either privately or with a therapist. This turned out to be far too painful.
Years ago, a therapist told me there are some things that are best left untouched. Attempting to work through them might not be worth the trauma, particularly if they are not causing major life problems. I agree. As I wrote last night, I was getting into territory I really need to avoid. That's when I deleted several long paragraphs.
As I wrote, though, I realized two important things for the first time:
1. My two younger brothers, the only living members of my immediate family, rejected me after I transitioned. I wrote about this here on my original transition thread. Last night, I finally understood that they were abandoning me for the same reason as my parents. This may be obvious to some who know me, but it wasn't to me. Neither my parents or my brothers were able to accept me for who I am. For some reason, knowing parents and brothers were reacting the same way was comforting. I suppose by linking their lack of acceptance to their own experiences with my parents, they are in a way removed from the picture.
2. Through a lot of therapy, I worked through many issues over never being a child. Briefly, sort of
I did not fit in with the neighborhood and school boys. In fact, I tried to stay away from them. I knew I was not one of them. I could not believe that I was supposed to be the same as the vulgar, obnoxious, aggressive teen males around me. I made no effort to fit in with them. I was not capable of pulling that one off and I was not motivated to try. I got along very well with female classmates and they liked me. They did not want to include me in their groups, though.
I was isolated and my parents left me on my own to navigate 'childhood.' So I made my own very un-childlike world for escape. This isolated bubble I inhabited was centered on playing the piano, with intensity and unchildlike persistence, and gardening. I had a huge vegetable garden and a number of large flower beds. I was very good at gardening, too. Music, plants and flowers were all beautiful things that kept me going.
I really thought his was going to be shorter.
As an adult, people told me how much they enjoyed just hearing me practice the piano or organ and that they wished they could play like me. I thought "You have no idea why I can play this way or the price I paid to get here. What I lost along the way" I have always poured my emotions into practicing and performing music. I can easily draw on emotions of deep sadness and great joy. Both are imporant in music.
I did not intend to go into this much detail. You may find this hard to believe! That's OK. Tonight, I'm leaving out the most painful parts and writing is helping me.
To the point of item 2, at last.
Anger can be good for getting rid of some baggage I still carry. My parents are long gone. That does not matter. Accepting and expressing my anger in private, or with a therapist, would be a good thing. But only for a limited time. Then I would need to let go of my anger. To do otherwise would mean I am accepting the role of victim. I would be giving up my very real adult power to run my own life.
__________________________________________________ __________
There are other things I want to write about. I don't have the time tonight.
Last edited by Danya; 01-21-2011 at 03:13 AM.
"First you jump of the cliff
and build your wings on the way down."
~ Ray Bradbury
I am glad you are able to work through some of these issues that have been with you for so long. I agree whole heartedly with your therapist that some things are best left forgotten. I think too many therapist try to drag stuff back out that needs to stay forgotten. I was touched in inapropriate ways by my brother when I was about 4 or 5 and he is three years older than me. I have NEVER said anything to anyone and have never even hinted to him that I remember. I don't think it damaged me in any way (maybe some would disagree ...lol) but I was always more worried about WHO put those ideas in HIS head since he was only 7 or 8 years old at the time.
I know he would be mortified if I were to tell him that I remembered and couldnt do that to him. Dragging up that past would only do bad things.
Wow, Danya, I find myself looking back through my life, comparing yours to mine...There are some similarities...
I like Stacy's consideration for her brother's feelings about something he did as a young child...I agree that all it would do is embarrass him, and maybe ruin her relationship with her brother...Thoughtful and kind...
As far as parental wrongdoings; I look back at my dad and mom...mostly with sorrow...We coulda been contendahs...smooches dragonfly
I think you have taken exactly the right approach. It's great you are able to handle it this way.
I, too, look back at my mother and father mostly with sorrow. Even as a child, I could rarely bring myself to call them Mom and Dad. They were too removed from my life.
I want to make it clear that I know my parents did the best they could by me. I always knew this. That's what makes it difficult for an emotionally abused child to accept the reality of his or her family life. When I was first told I was emotionally abandoned/abused, I responded that my parents loved me. They were my parents after all. I had a home, more than enough food, we went on vacations and so on.
Despite everything, I miss my parents. Partly because I have lost my remaining immediate family members.I also have the perhaps unrealistic idea that my father, if not my mother, would eventually have accepted my transsexualism.
__________________________________________________ ________
Work went very well today and I'm in a good mood. I took a short break to create a summary of what I wanted to write here tonight. Every topic was much less serious than my last post. I'm too tired, though, to write much tonight.
Late yesterday afternoon, my boss told me he hoped I would not be leaving them. I replied that I'd stay as long as they would keep me on.
This morning, he addressed me as Ms. Maren as he asked what I still needed to do my job. I've been bugging him about several items. After nearly a month, I still do not have a phone.
Anyway, another contractor worked his first week there without a desk.
Tomorrow may wind up being the coldest of the winter for the Chicago area. I hope that turns out to be true, so I won't have to experience the same, or worse, again this year. The actual temperature, not including a substantial wind chill, may not get above zero until late morning after a night time suburban low of -5 to -7 F. So far, I have found the winter temperatures here much more tolerable than those I'm used to from Minnesota. The average January high temperature in Chicago is 29 - 30 F versus 20 - 21 F in the Twin Cities. You might be surprised at how much difference this makes.
I'm starting to look for a permanent job as I have time on evenings and weekends. This is time-consuming. Tonight I spent nearly an hour on an application for one job. That's enough work for now. I need to relax before bed.
Last edited by Danya; 01-21-2011 at 03:53 AM.
"First you jump of the cliff
and build your wings on the way down."
~ Ray Bradbury
I would like to make a point about parents. Most parents do the best by their kids that is within THEIR capabilities. I could write a book about the shortcomings of my father but I do have to give him credit that he was a better father than his father and his father was better than his. I think parent grow beyond their own parents and most people only have a limited capacity to grow beyond what they grew up with.
I know you don't have children of your own but I think you would have made a wonderful father or mother for any child! Thanks again for sharing so much of yourself and please don't take anything I have said to minimize any neglect or abuse that you have suffered.
Much love, Stacy
Hi Stacy,
I agree with your statement about parents. Mine absolutely did the best they could given their own family backgrounds and other circumstances. Understanding that was why I was able to tell both of them I loved them, a number of times, long before they died.
My mother would rarely talk about her childhood. What I heard from relatives, though, indicated she was probably physically abused.
When I was engage to be married, my ex and I thought we wanted two children. She was a 2nd grade teacher. Within a year of our marriage, though, she decided she did not want kids. She was a very capable teacher but felt that after five years of intense work with children, she could not handle the strain of raising one of our own.
After talking about it for another year or so, I agreed with her. Both of us had difficult childhoods. Then she was anorexic in college. She once showed me a photo from those days and she looked like she had been in a concentration camp. Anyway, we needed some time to be good to ourselves nuturing our inner, neglected children.
If we had had a child at that point, I know I would have been a good parent. I very much appreciate your pointing this out. Back then, though, I was terrified any child of mine would inherit my 'differentness' and, like me, feel no connection with other kids.
I know better now. In fact, for some months I have mulled over the idea of adopting an older child. For now, this is nothing more than a fond wish. I'd need to be in a much better spot, financially. At least having some job security. When my transition expenses drop, I'll also be able to save money once again.
Nothing you wrote left me feeling you were minimizing my experiences. Rather, I think you understand very well.
Love,
Danya
__________________________________________________ _____
I saw my HRT doctor after work at his Michigan Avenue office downtown. Tonight, as usual, we spent a very long time, nearly two hours, talking about all kinds of things beyond my health.
As far as my health goes, I am starting Androgel to boost my now undetectable testosterone. After a month, he'll see how well this is working from my blood work. I'll then switch to very low dose of injectable testosterone, because it will save a lot of money. My doctor expects testosterone will help 'fix' my low energy problem.
I am so tired some days that I will sit on the toilet for a half hour longer than I need to, simply because I cannot muster the energy to get up. I'm not sitting there reading, either. I just sit.
He told me that it is indeed unusual for a male-to-female transsexual woman on estradiol to have no detectable testosterone. He added "but then you are an unusual person." I responded "I think that's a compliment", to which he answered "Of course."
When I spoke with my psychiatrist on Wednesday and with my physician tonight, I realized what I'm dealing with is not depression at all. During our visits, I was animated and my usual self. I had nothing special that has been bothering me. I am under continuing stress without a permanent job. I've dealt with this stress well, though, for most of the last year.
It's just that my low energy leaves me feeling down. I don't want to get out of bed because I don't have enough energy. This is not a result of depression. Both psychiatrist and doctor agreed.
__________________________________________________ ____
When I finally arrived home this evening, I was thrilled to see a large envelope from my GRS surgeon. Things are getting more serious now. During the month of February, I will be sending two more deposits totalling - a large sum of money.
The packet contained all kinds of information. Including a note that I will need to stop all hormone treatments three weeks before surgery. That will be difficult. Erica Ann has already warned me about hot flashes.
They talked about travel arrangements. I'll need to arrive two days before my scheduled surgery. I will likely be able to fly back to Chicago from Montreal on April 27th, eight days after surgery.
They described the surgical technique. I know they offer either general anesthesia or a spinal block. General anesthesia typically results in my having great difficulty urinating. I may opt for the spinal. I will have absolutely no desire to watch the procedure via a mirror. I've seen very graphic photos of how this is done. Those more than satisfied my curiosity. Usually, I am interested in watching procedures. This time, I will only be interested in the result.
I'll give the documents a closer read tomorrow. Their total fee is the same as when I scheduled surgery over 4 months ago. This is good.
__________________________________________________ _________
Last night, I stopped at Best Buy to pick up an AC power adapter for my Sony Walkman. Then I happened past an aisle with music keyboards. I have not played an instrument since I sold my very fine digital piano last February. I tried every keyboard in the store.
Until last night, I thought there was no way I could be a substitute organist let alone apply for a part-time staff organist job. Now I know that I can. When I substitute, I always say I need a key so that I can practice at least a day before the service.
I now know I willl not be wasting the $95 to join the local American Guild of Organists society. Actually, there are three or four local groups here. I have to join one to see their list of open positions and have my name listed as a substitute.
__________________________________________________ ________
I've started taking my headphones and Sony Walkman to work to listen to CDs. As I listened to a Rachmanioff's "Variations on a Theme of Paganini," I realized something for the first time.
I've written before that my musical tastes have broadened beyond classical and jazz since I transitioned. Yesterday, I realized that my tastes within the classical genre have also expanded. There was a time when I would not have enjoyed Rachmanioff. While his music is often very sensual, it does not have the organizational structure, wide ranging harmonizations, ingenuity and perhaps the grandeur of Bach, Mozart, Beethoven, Schubert, Handel, Brahms, Wagner, Stravinsky, Webern and certain others. BTW, there are a number of contermporary composers of 'classical' music that I appreciate. Including Dominick Argento, a professor emeritus at the University of Minnesota.
I always considered Rachmanioff's music to be more fluff than substance. Although he is still not one of my favorites, I am now able to enjoy some of his works.
As I listened to his variations on the famous theme written by perhaps the greatest violinist of all time, Niccolo Paganini, I realized one of the variations seemed to be based on an inversion of part of the theme. So I took a short break at the office to write out the notes and then compared them to the theme. This variation is a thematic inversion. It is also very beautiful and has been made famous in a number of movies.
Inversion of a theme is just one of many methods to develop astoundingly effective, beautiful variations.
Brahms used the same Paganini theme in his piano "Variations on Theme of Paganini." There was a time when I played a few of the work's simpler variations well. They are technically extremely difficult. Brahms' unrequited love interest, Clara Schumann, called them "witches variations" because of their difficulty. She herself, like Brahms, was a virtuoso pianist. Brahms is generally considered on of the top masters of the variation form and the variation form is one of my favorites. Brahms also wrote the first ever set of orchestral variations, "Variations on a Theme by Haydn." Then he ends the variations...enough.
I still prefer Brahms' Paganini variations to those of Rachmanioff. Now, though, I can also enjoy Rachmanioff.
Last edited by Danya; 01-22-2011 at 02:42 PM.
"First you jump of the cliff
and build your wings on the way down."
~ Ray Bradbury
Is there no end to your expertise? You embarrass me...Good news on the surgery...I've read some references to Montreal's surgeons in this area...
It's a very advanced city in many ways, I guess...Cold as a rat's a-- in the winter, though..You'll be there in late April..Lovely...I'd like to visit Montreal..It's about a 6-7 hour ride due north from here..Maybe some day..
Glad to hear you seem to have the solution to your exhaustion at hand...
smooches dragonfly
For what this is worth I was first put on Testosterone because of "depression" like symptoms which included lack of energy, mood, etc. YES! Women have testosterone and I believe from what I've read a lot of M2F folks miss out on a lot because they think "all" testosterone is evil and they try to lower it to abnormal levels (For women)After giving it some thought, I decided to delete the very serious parts of this post. For the first time, it was not therapeutic for me to write about certain things. What follows is much shorter than the original.
I got the good news last night that my gallbladder is 100% normal. Hooray! No gallstones, no possible need for surgery. I may have a peptic ulcer. After I filled him in on some details, my doctor agreed that if I have an ulcer it may be medication related. We'll find out.
I also spoke with the good doctor, again, about my 'too low' testosterone level. Natal women have some testosterone. Mine is below the test detection limit. I asked if this could account for my low energy and down moods. This is when he chimed in with "You seem to be doing fine."
He agreed that we probably need to do something about my relative lack of testosterone. So the next time I see him, in a few weeks for blood work, we will discuss starting testosterone injections, at a low level of course. In fact, I will make an appointment for as soon as I can get one. I cannot wait a few weeks. I'm having trouble dealing with feeling tired nearly every waking moment. I feel tired when I get up, through the day, and I no longer experience my 'night person' energy. Too low testosterone in women is also associated with depression. Bingo! This has got to stop, and soon.
Sex drive, energy, moods etc are part of being female (or male) and having the right "mix" is very important. Mrs T uses a compounded cream that includes enough testosterone to keep her in the normal range for women and its done wonders.
BTW thats one suggestion I really wanted to make. Ask your Doctor about using a rub on cream of Estrogen, Progesterone & Testosterone.
Mr T(estosterone) - Not black or Jewish but working on it...
Hi Dragonfly,
I've worked very hard since I was young to learn a lot about many things. One of my favorite activities is gathering information.
I do not regret any of my career changes, although I wonder if I would have been better off to have continued working as a scientist. The unemployment rate for chemists with my educational background is very low even today. I will find my way in this new work world.
I've been to Montreal twice, once on business and the second time to visit friends. Compared with American cities, the people there seem to be much less inhibited about sexuality. I enjoyed both visits.
The testosterone seems to be helping some already.
Hugs,
Danya
Hi MrT,
You and I have spoken about hormone issues, although not in a long time. I had forgotten about the effect low testosterone had for you.
I definitely want a sex drive.
I will speak with my doctor about a rub on cream for testosterone. If it will save money and allow me to avoid another injection, I will be interested.
Now I'm off to the Chicago Botanic Garden to walk outside and in the greenhouses. I need the exercise and it's one of my favorite spots. I'm taking my camera along.
Hugs,
Danya
"First you jump of the cliff
and build your wings on the way down."
~ Ray Bradbury
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