My life

[Danya]

I will use this thread for occasional updates on what is happening in my life.

First, I want to thank Transward for her generous appreciation on my transition thread. I wrote to her privately that I have little clue as to how much what I posted there has helped anyone. What I know for sure is that writing on the Archive has been a huge help to me.

John, you posted a question there something like "How does it feel to have a smooth face?" after all the electrolysis work. It's wonderful! It is very expensive, though, and I still have months of treatment before I am finished.

For the last week or so, I gave some thought to essentially continuing my transition thread, but in a different format. Then I looked back at some of my posts, particularly over the last 14 months or so. Reading those convinced me that some of my stated reasons for ending that thread remains valid. I need to put many of the major events of the last year or so behind me. The economic environment remains challenging and I need to look at my work life, my social life and the way I will reach my transition goals in a new way.

In a very real way, though, I somehow feel fully transitioned. As I wrote elsewhere, not a soul in Illinois ever knew the 'old' me. Everyone here knows Danya, period. Even the few who know I am transgender. This is another reason why I did not want to continue the other thread.

I went through a period of not wanting to write here at all, mostly because I am reluctant to devote as much time to writing as before. I will make an effort to keep these posts shorter and less frequent. Unless I'm in a talkative mood!

Work is going well, although at times I feel like I am in an isolation ward. There is practically no talking among coworkers. Instead, everyone texts each other all day. It's all strictly business. Should someone, in a very unusual situation to be sure, find a need to speak with me he or she will first send a message asking if it is OK to call. One thing I enjoyed about all my previous jobs was the chance for face-to-face interaction about all kinds of business things. And a little strictly social chit chat, too. The only time I sit down and talk with real, live humans at this job is when I go to business meetings.

This weekend, I updated my resume to include the roughly two months of experience I have on the contract job in downtown Chicago. At the urging of several friends at work, who all started out in similar contract jobs, I am going to start applying for permanent jobs at this company. Including jobs that are not located in Chicago but on the east and west coasts.

My close woman friend in Minnesota advised me that she thinks it would be great if I can remain with this company for two reasons. They are very trans friendly and they will pay for GRS. I agree on both counts.

Other locations include Manhattan and San Francisco, but these are just two examples. I love New York and, having grown up on the east coast, I would feel right at home there. San Francisco is also terrific and I have dreamed of the chance to live on the West Coast for the first time in my life. In the end, if any of this works out, I'd prefer to stay in the Chicago area. Mostly because I have already gone through a number of major life changes over the last year. Another out of state move would be stressful. I'd move anyway, for a permanent position.

There are locations I will not consider, because they seem undesirable for a number of reasons. Even though some are in gorgeous locales.

I will take other action in late November if

1. I have not yet been offered a permanent job at this company and
2. no one is able to tell me that looks likely down the road.

What I would most prefer, after nearly six months in Chicagoland, is a great job in a smaller city with a more pleasant climate. I can wish, can't I? I still love Chicago, and spent time downtown Saturday and again today. I'm also still very glad to be working downtown. But the traffic is starting to get on my nerves. It is possible, then, that I might yet make another move on my own. Only after I carefully research job markets and other factors. I would not do this until late March at the earliest

Finally, I am in the process of getting all of my paperwork submitted to set up a date for gender reassignment surgery. I hope Dr. Brassard will have all of it in his office by early next week.

Oh....there is the 'X' situation. I don't have time to write about this tonight and may not any time soon. For now, I will simply say I found a compelling reason to try to see things from his point of view. Oh hell! This is one reason why I try not to write here. I find it difficult to stop.

What drove me to try to view things as he might is this. I was frequently telling him that a major problem in our country is that we are becoming polarized. People with the same view points tend to speak with each other and no one else. Unless they are shouting.

So I decided to practice what I had been preaching with 'X', with some success. I started this off in a round about way.

Please understand that I am absolutely NOT starting a political disucssion on this thread. I am not stating my views or those of 'X.' It just happens that political differences were a major problem for us. Or at least for me.

[jamesmc]

Danya, I am glad that you aren't throwing in your hat on updating us on your continuing journey. I know that I haven't posted much but I read here most every day. You are an inspriation to many of us although it isn't always said. Thank you for your kind words to me and for just basically listening when I needed to talk. I look forward to hearing about where life takes you in the future. Thanks,

Jennifer Lynn...

[gurlylorrie]

Danya, I have had extensive electrolisis in the past, it is painful and expensive. For the money, time and pain, you might want to try laser hair removal, virtually no pain and a lot faster. Good luck!

[transward]

Danya, I have had extensive electrolysis in the past, it is painful and expensive. For the money, time and pain, you might want to try laser hair removal, virtually no pain and a lot faster. Good luck!

I would not describe laser hair removal as virtually painless, unless you have already had the majority of the hair removed first with electrolysis. Particularly if you have a heavy beard, the first few laser treatments are painful, especially the upper lip. I will concede that it is less painful than extensive electrolysis. And faster.

Also remember that, whatever they tell you, laser is not very effective on white or blond hairs. And if you have any gray hairs on your head, you have white hairs in your beard that will be unaffected by laser, and need to be removed by electrolysis. I know a couple of TSs with blond beards that were unresponsive to laser, who spent more on electrolysis than SRS.


Transward

[EricaAnn]

Danya, I have had extensive electrolisis in the past, it is painful and expensive. For the money, time and pain, you might want to try laser hair removal, virtually no pain and a lot faster. Good luck!

gurlylorrie,

I'm in agreement with transward. Laser is not without pain. I had 11 laser treatments on my face and neck and since most of my hair was Grey, all it accomplished was to turn most of my facial hair white or translucent.

Electrolysis, while quite painful, is the only sure fired way to get rid of those unwanted hairs regardless of their color...and yes, it is expensive.

[gurlylorrie]

Hi Erica, yes when I started electrolisis I was in my early 40's and my hair was black. At that time I did my face, neck, torso, buttocks, and armpits with electrolisis. Some of the areas where the muscles come together were extremely painful. By the time I had laser those areas were for touch up or to finish off the unfinished areas already started. My legs were done exclusively with lazers, and that area did not seem any wheres near as painful. Now years later my hair is salty, not pepper, and I will have to go back to electrolisis for touch up sessions for straggles that have come out, mostly just a few here and there.

[Danya]

Danya, I have had extensive electrolisis in the past, it is painful and expensive. For the money, time and pain, you might want to try laser hair removal, virtually no pain and a lot faster. Good luck!

Hi Gurlylorrie,

Laser will not work for me as nearly all my facial hair is gray or white. Thanks for the good wishes.

My best to you,
Danya

[Danya]

I titled this thread "My life" so I can provide updates on my life.

I'd much prefer people not get into side discussions with each other. As they'd say in my office, "let's take this discussion offline." That being said, I very much appreciate direct feedback. But I want to drag this thread back on topic (see thread title for reference )

I have been guilty of taking other threads off-topic so I understand how easy, and tempting, this can be.

And I appreciate all of you more than you know.

[Danya]

I was surprised today, as I navigated the internal corporate web site, to find a page with the heading "Transitioning Your Gender." I saw my hormone doctor after work and he was surprised when I told him this.

This page discussed someone starting to present as a different gender while already employed. It mentioned the possibility of a coworker being uncomfortable about sharing a bathroom with a trans colleague.

The solution: if a single use bathroom is available, the employee with the problem can use it! What a concept!

The site also expressed management's willingness to try to accommodate an employee who wished to present as a different gender on some days only. I was stunned, and pleased.

There are several things I wanted to discuss, but it is too late tonight. For now, I will make brief mention of a few things.

I have a phone interview tomorrow for a permanent job with a company that, like the employer where I now "temp," covers gender reassignment surgery. Both are among the very small number that offer this.

Their office is just blocks away from my current location, so it would be easy to fit in a personal interview.

I am going to check out the corporate Pride networking group. I have no wish, particularly while there may be the opportunity for a permanent job offer, to be openly trans. If this group is what I expect, they will meet after work and be pledged to not out anyone. This could be a great opportunity to make connections should I still need to look for a permanent job in a few months.

I learned today that it is extremely valuable to be able to list the place where I am working on your resume. Other contractors have turned down higher paying jobs so they can do just this.

I uploaded my resume and created a job profile on the corporate intrant this afternoon. There are jobs posted there that are not publicly posted. This evening, I emailed my portfolio to the office so I can add it to my profile. Having this profile will make it easy for me to apply for jobs for this multinational company. All I will need to do is attach my profile to the jobs I'm interested in.

I asked a female colleague, who is permanent but started as a contractor, if I could say she referred me to the company. She said she would be happy for me to do so.

More female coworkers are greeting me in the women's restroom. We compliment each other on clothing, necklaces, etc. It's good fun.

If I should get offered a permanent job at my office, I will get four weeks of vacation the first year. I have reason to believe the place offering the phone interview is the same. The industry is similar and they must be competitive.

As I walked from the office to my hormone doctor's office, in comfortable heels, I followed a round about route that took me through some of my favorite parts of downtown. This was a 50 minute walk. It was great exercise.

Summary of two hour doctor visit:

1. I'll leave out the details on this one. It was an extremely nice compliment. Let's just say I was surprised, given the number of trans patients he has worked with.

2. He said I should go ahead and get those rollerblades. It's terrific, weight-bearing exercise that is not only helpful to improving my bone health (osteoporosis) but it is super relaxing. Particularly when I skate outside following cute men. Those young men are particularly adorable when, after my attention is diverted at the sight of a wild flower and I have one of my rare falls, they offer to help me up.

3. He urged me to go after a job playing the pipe organ and, possibly, directing a choir, too. This is one of my life passions and neglecting it is not a good. This is another thing I've spent too much time considering and analyzing. Just do it!

4. He asked if I read on the train to work. I said I was thinking about it. [Too much thinking, not enough doing ] I decided I will take my music theory book along. I already own it, so it won't cost me anything. I have dabbled in music composition over the years. It's something I want to do again and with more competence. Going through music theory (I know it sounds awfully boring ) for a total of 80 minutes a day will keep me engaged on an otherwise boring train ride.

5. My blood pressure was 100 over 60. Fairly typical for me.

6. I told him two letters were on their way to Dr. Brassard and that I wanted to get on with my life, living fully as a female in every way. Perhaps I will marry someday, I said, should I meet the right man. He noted this had happened for one of his patients.

As I left my doctor's office, downtown on Michigan Avenue, I stopped to admire the view of northern Grant Park (i.e., Millennium Park) and the gleaming skyscrapers along the northern park edge and down Michigan Avenue. Lights were coming on as the sun set. It reminded me of how much I love Chicago, even with the traffic. I still tend to gawk like a tourist at my surroundings in this very modern city.

Tomorrow night (Thursday), I will probably take advantage of free admission at the Art Institute. I'll take my camera. It's fine to take photos of the art as long as it is not part of a special exhibit.

On Sunday, the 19th, the Chicago Symphony Orchestra is giving a free concert at Millennium Park. It will be led by new music director Riccardo Muti. I will not go to electrolysis that Sunday. I cannot miss this concert. My HRT doctor was very interested when I told him about the concert. I'll call his office tomorrow with the time.

I have started singing again, for the first time since I transitioned. More about this another time. For now, I'll leave things at 'X' commented that my singing voice sounded very feminine. I'm not so sure and he is know to be a sweet talker. I'm trying to get my singing voice back in shape, and I was making an effort to sing in a feminine way.

I am helping 'X' with his organic chemistry homework. I may help with calculus, too.

I thought this was going to be a short post. Yikes, I should have gotten to bed over an hour ago. I'll need lots of coffee tomorrow.

[butterflyjack]

Hi sweety....It's great to see how you've faired so well in these past few months...I wonder if X knows what a prize he has in you...I suspect he does...
big smooches dragonfly (the sensible heels...what size?)

[Danya]

Hi sweety....It's great to see how you've faired so well in these past few months...I wonder if X knows what a prize he has in you...I suspect he does...
big smooches dragonfly (the sensible heels...what size?)

Hi Butterfly Jack,

I have been doing very well, although I have occasional short-lived episodes of panic, now and then. The panic comes when I dwell too much on the fact that I have a contract job, not a permanent one with health insurance. Worrying will not help. Instead, I need to remain focused on taking action to change my circumstances.

Both 'X' and my roommate offered very sound advise to help get me back on track.

Ever since I tried my new approach with 'X' and his political musings, things have gone much better for us. I never expected this to work so well or that we would start seeing each other again. Or that I would want to see him. By the way, I told him exactly what I was going to change in my approach before I started. I also laid down some ground rules. We are also taking a more sensible approach, this time around, of allowing plenty of time to get to know each other before becoming overly serious about the relationship.

'X' is doing very well in his college classes. He now has something like a 3.95 GPA. For a man in his mid-fifties, coming from a blue collar background where he was not encouraged to continue his education, going to college is quite an accomplishment. He is also fulfilling a life-long dream.

I know that some others in the trans community have had their problems with 'X.' I now think that I understand the cause of some of these problems and I am not viewing 'X' as blameless in this. It may be, though, that I am starting to see a side of him that others have not. He also says that going to college is changing him. Time will tell.

The 'sensible' heel height is close to 2 inches. These fit very well, too.

Best wishes,
Danya

[butterflyjack]

Hi Danya...You mention that X was not well accepted into the "trans community"...What comprises this community? How is X so involved in it?
What is it that he has done to anger them?
Sorry if this seems confrontational...but, your post was confusing to me...
About the shoes...I meant , what size, not heel height. I am a crossdresser (transvestite?). I meant it in a sort of joking way...(But I really love heels)
smooches dragonfly

[EricaAnn]

Hi Dayna,

I'm glad to hear you're doing well. I see by your posts that you're giving "X" another try. I hope things work out better this time around, but only time will tell.
You have survived so much over the past few years that I'm absolutely positive that you will overcome this minor obstacle or road bump. Where there is a will...there's a way, right?

Hi Danya...You mention that X was not well accepted into the "trans community"...What comprises this community? How is X so involved in it?
What is it that he has done to anger them?
Sorry if this seems confrontational...but, your post was confusing to me...

Hi butterflyjack,
As a former member of the "trans community" in the Chicago area that Danya mentioned in her post, I feel qualified to shed some light on this topic for you. The "trans community" is roughly defined as members of a very small group of people that identify as being transgendered and transsexuals, either MTF or FTM.
"X" has always shown a great deal of interest in us (MTF) and seems to enjoy the company of a transgender woman over that of genetic woman. I happen to know "X" somewhat well having been "out" myself now for a number of years. As far as angering members of the community, I can't really comment on this matter. All I'm willing to say is that he does not enjoy the best of reputation among us. Kind of a "tranny chaser" situation, if you know what I mean?
I use the term "former" refering to myself as many of us that are now post op no longer consider ourselves as T-girls or transgendered woman but simply as women.
I hope this helps resolve any confusion you may have.

[butterflyjack]

Thanks for this light shedding ...I hope Danya and X are happy...And I wish that for you, too...smooches dragonfly

[Danya]

Hi Dayna,

I'm glad to hear you're doing well. I see by your posts that you're giving "X" another try. I hope things work out better this time around, but only time will tell.

Hi Erica Ann,

You noted in my transition thread that 'X' had history with the trans community and we later discussed some of this. Both you and I have shared some strong words about 'X', that were not positive. So I am not blind to his history or others' opinions. Still, my latest experience with him is very different from before. I'd be deluding myself if I thought all of this difference was due to my influence or my taking a different approach to our interactions. You are absolutely correct. Time will tell.

I have been very blunt with 'X' about what will help things to work in this relationship and what will be harmful. At the same time, I have taken the new tact of dealing with political discussions in a way that diffuses tension. I do not have the time to describe this, but it has worked. Generally, we now stay away from political talks.

For now, and possibly into the future, 'X' is again bringing me a lot of happiness

You have survived so much over the past few years that I'm absolutely positive that you will overcome this minor obstacle or road bump. Where there is a will...there's a way, right?

Thank you for these words. Coming from you, someone who knows me rather well, they mean a lot. I am feeling back at my normally high confidence level.

[The rest of this response will meander a bit. I tend to write things as ideas come to mind. While I try to adhere to some organized structure, I do not always have the time to properly arrange things. In my non-virtual life, I did to jump around among ideas, too]

Our mutual hormone doctor helped make this happen. I saw him at this downtown office on Wednesday for my estrogen level check.

As people who have read my posts may recall, I have had a life-long history of major depression that is treatment resistant. The expensive, seldom used antidepressant I started in early 2007 totally relieved my depression. For the first time in my life, I knew what it was like to be free of depression. Being free of depression had the added benefit of giving me the will power to address my gender identity, beginning in Novemeber 2007. Friends helped, too. Most particularly 'our Jesus' who amazed me in late October of that year by his very caring words of support and encouragement. That was our first contact. I was floored that a total stranger would be so generous.

Lately, thinking I would hoard some of this medicine for a time I might be without insurance, I have not been using it every day. This was a mistake and I knew it. I still thought it was better to get by without the full dose and save some for 'a rainy day', so to speak. But this tactic was playing havoc with my emotional well being.

Our doctor gently, for him , let me know that I must continue to take this every day. I have been doing this and it has made a huge difference. I am happy and confident I can do what I must to get to where I need to be.

Your words, Erica Ann, and those of other kind people here along the way are a big help, too.

I want to say something I do not think I have written about before. Major depression is a genuine illness. It is a disorder of brain chemistry, whether you consider its origins as purely biological or not. There are effective treatments and not all of these rely on drugs. Unfortunately, there is still some stigma attached to a person dealing with serious depression. Some, not accepting that it is an illness, think the depressed person should be able to snap out of it. This does not work. I am not an expert on depression by any means. But I have worked hard, over a period of several decades, to alleviate my own major, life long depression. I have been fortunate in that I could afford some very good therapists. I am truly impressed by those who battle this illness, at times quite successfully, on their own.

Hi butterflyjack,
As a former member of the "trans community" in the Chicago area that Danya mentioned in her post, I feel qualified to shed some light on this topic for you. The "trans community" is roughly defined as members of a very small group of people that identify as being transgendered and transsexuals, either MTF or FTM.

I mentioned the trans community because that is where 'X' has this history. I have never felt that I was part of any particular trans community, though. I have never participated in trans support groups, gone to meetings of trans people, sought out trans people to hang out with and so on. What Erica Ann states is correct.

"X" has always shown a great deal of interest in us (MTF) and seems to enjoy the company of a transgender woman over that of genetic woman. I happen to know "X" somewhat well having been "out" myself now for a number of years. As far as angering members of the community, I can't really comment on this matter. All I'm willing to say is that he does not enjoy the best of reputation among us. Kind of a "tranny chaser" situation, if you know what I mean?

I have spoken at length with 'X' about his preference for transgender women over natal women. He has indeed been a 'tranny chaser.' I think there is the possibility that, despite his 'bad' history there is the potential for something very good in this relationship. Still, I do not think I have any illusions about this.

As I wrote in my transition thread, I now have few expectations of anyone. This does not mean I have low standards, by any means. As a wise therapist once told me, "Don't expect something from someone that they are incapable of providing. It is unfair to them and you will be disappointed."

"I use the term "former" refering to myself as many of us that are now post op no longer consider ourselves as T-girls or transgendered woman but simply as women.
I hope this helps resolve any confusion you may have.

Although I totally understand what Erica Ann means, I never considered myself a T-girl and I now view myself as a woman. This has been made easier by my move to Illinois, where no one (including my dear friend Erica Ann) knew my former 'male' self. Everyone at work and outside of work views me as a woman. They treat me as one, too, without exception.

At work in the rest room, other women compliment me on certain outfits or jewelry. I do the same with them. It is all quite effortless and natural.

To Erica Ann's point, though, I will absolutely feel more complete after I have GRS.

I was at a movie a few weekends ago with 'X'. Afterwards, I had to use the rest room. I had to bite my lip to keep from laughing. A woman in the rest room had no clue I am transgender, which is the norm for me. She clearly 'clocked' or 'read' me, though, as being over 55. We had a long discussion (for a change, perhaps, I was not the one to keep it going ) about why the theater did not extend its senior citizen discount to include the evening shows.

Thanks for this light shedding ...I hope Danya and X are happy...And I wish that for you, too...smooches dragonfly

'X' and I are quite happy for now. He understands very well that his may develop into something more or it may not. We are not physically intimate to the extend of our first try at things. That was too much, too soon. Once again, 'our Jesus' offered good advice. This time, though, I soon ignored it. Simply because in some ways I am still a teenage girl. My emotions got the better of me.

I am likely to experience more intense teenage emotions as my hormone doctor ramps up my estrogen to levels I have not yet experienced. Won't that be fun??

What is wonderful is feeling so very much at ease with myself and my very feminine emotions.