Becoming the person that I am

[graylayer02]

October (I'm making a month up, don't hold me to this) 1985.

I'm walking to school with a friend of mine and casually mention that I'd like to marry a great guy when I grew up. He looked at me as if I had started speaking Klingon. He told me that men married women, and that was that. I scratched my head and said, "OK." (Notice a common theme here?) I shut up about it thereafter but always thought that this one-man-one-woman thing was kind of arbitrary.

The gay thing is something that many here have had to deal with, but for me it was especially difficult. Based on where I grew up and the community I was in, mostly working class Irish Catholic, "fitting in" was everything. All the Cool Kids were fans of the right baseball team; they played baseball, later football; and they liked girls and did incomprehensible things with them. When I found out what heterosexual sex was, it seemed so random. Why not stick a watermelon next to a radiator? It made as much sense as a penis with a vagina.

By this time I had figured out how to just totally ignore my feelings and get on with life. Great as a survival skill, bad as a general life skill. At a young age I got beaten up by other boys for not walking the right way, talking with a slight lisp, and not being all that athletic. I wanted nothing more than to keep a low profile and be left alone...and I definitely hated those boys I went to school with. The girls were just more generally annoying, though some of them were pretty mean too. Yeah, I got beaten up by girls.

So when puberty came around (which I HATED, that's another post) I was getting as far from the boys as possible, for my own safety. I also had learned how to fight back, so over time we started to ignore each other. The confusing thing was, I had a fascination with girls. I didn't want to stick anything into them or really see them naked. I had just stopped disliking them.

This is what confused me the most about my sexuality. I would chase girls the way that a dog would chase a car. But then the dog would catch a car and wonder, "What do I do now?" In high school, college, and early adult life, these really good looking women would throw themselves at me and I'd have no idea what to do with them. Actually the way my best friends knew that I was gay was that I had TURNED DOWN a booty call from a very good-looking woman. I needed my beauty sleep.

Anyhow, through high school this intense pressure to be the guy that others wanted me to be continued. I was the high school valedictorian (totally by accident, really); there was prom; and there was the usual pressure to find a girlfriend and settle down and crank 'em out. But here's the thing; it was an all-guys school...with NO obvious gays.

I remember a guy I would stare at every day for all of English class...and another guy I'd look forward to passing in the hallway with beautiful blond hair...I always knew I had this side to me...but in high school I didn't know any girls so I had nothing to compare them against. The teasing and beating up went down dramatically when I 1) had my braces removed and 2) grew six inches and gained 70 lbs. After that I could be relatively boring and in peace, so long as I ignored everyone and they ignored me.

College? I was miserable. I didn't know any gays there and continued to try to force being straight. Really. I was that out of the loop. Plus, where I was from (late '80s early '90s blue collar neighborhood), gays were these icky guys with mustaches who lived in San Francisco and had AIDS. And I didn't want a mustache or AIDS! I was never really into theatre so those guys weren't really my type. That left a lot of web-surfing time and ogling those hot nipple piercings on BME...but boy those guys over at Eunuch.org are a bit weird (clicking through with intense curiosity).

The first time I seriously considered that I was gay, and that gays weren't necessarily weird, was in 2001. At age 21 I met my first gays, and while I didn't have much in common with them, they seemed like nice fun guys. By this time there was a gay coworker I'd fantasize about, and a GORGEOUS guy on my rowing team was somewhat into me. He had this queeny boyfriend but I was in the bow seat; he was #2; and he had the most beautiful...mmmmm. Bike messenger too, sweet shaved legs. Manic depressive too, so I was a bit worried about having to take care of him should we form a relationship.

We never did anything. I moved away at age 25 to grad school away from all of the social pressure. I came out fairly quickly thereafter in about the middle of grad school. November 9, 2006. At about 11:30 in the morning, on a bus. I had a long-distance girlfriend at the time but I was kicking myself about my lackluster performance in the bedroom with her, like not being able to get it into her and not really caring. This had set off an identity crisis where the eunuch thing, the gay thing, and my whole identity came crashing down onto my head; that's about the time I joined here as graylayer02 and had to ask for help to deal with my self-hatred, which cleared up in an instant on that foggy day.

So after a bike ride with this straight guy I kind of liked, I showered and took the bus to campus. A cute boy and I had locked eyes from across the bus. It moved. I had a light bulb moment. "I'm just a homo; I'm not asexual or anything like that. That's all it is. Now I understand." From then on it was all right.

Kissed my first guy on November 15, 2007 on a street corner for a half hour. I'm the type not only to be out, but out and proud. I still remember him fondly.

I had set a deadline to come out to my parents for the end of 2007. At about 4pm on Dec 31, I was in the back seat of a car. My mother said something about me getting a job somewhere in the south and meeting a nice southern lady and having a lot of kids. I told her that this wasn't going to happen because I was pretty sure I was gay. Silence. A minute later. "So you're gay, huh? Why didn't you tell us sooner?" Honestly they're still struggling with it, but my parents are very civilized people. I was kidding with the wine joke above; my actual coming out was much more forced and awkward like most people's surely are.

And I JUST came out as a eunuch to them right now, with my bike crash story, which my dad said was 'bizarre'. "Do you have anything else to spring on us?" Can't outdo this one I think.

But the point of this post was that I spent 20 or so years hiding myself from myself, to be the man that others wanted me to be.

[graylayer02]

OK, the healing continues apace, and walking to/from work is no big deal anymore.

Pathology results came in. They were 100% dead. The urologist had never seen anything like this before. As I left the building I smiled and whispered to myself, "Yeah, I've always been an overachiever."

The sack feels like there are two balls in it, which upon closer inspection are made of fluid and not painful; they're less painful than what was there before.

Not much to report on for today in general.

[tugon]

OK, the healing continues apace, and walking to/from work is no big deal anymore.

Pathology results came in. They were 100% dead. The urologist had never seen anything like this before. As I left the building I smiled and whispered to myself, "Yeah, I've always been an overachiever."

The sack feels like there are two balls in it, which upon closer inspection are made of fluid and not painful; they're less painful than what was there before.

Not much to report on for today in general.

Fluid tends to fill the void. As the fluid is absorbed your scrotum will appear empty. I remember how worried I was that my testicles, by the appearance of my scrotum, were still there. I had watched them drop into the jars so I really had no worries. I just wanted the look to match my new reality.

Glad everything is going well.

[bfleish]

Graylayer02,

Have you noticed yet that you walk with your legs a little closer together now? That was something I noticed after my orchi and it took a little getting used to.

I have a pair of shoes that were purchased after the orchi and the wear on the outer heel is definately less than shoes I had before the deed was done.

When I walk my feet used to roll from the corner rear to the front. Now with an empty sack my shoes hit more directly and make a "sure footed" noise. Or is it an "empty sack noise?"

[Mac]

October (I'm making a month up, don't hold me to this) 1985.

I'm walking to school with a friend of mine and casually mention that I'd like to marry a great guy when I grew up. He looked at me as if I had started speaking Klingon. He told me that men married women, and that was that. I scratched my head and said, "OK." (Notice a common theme here?) I shut up about it thereafter but always thought that this one-man-one-woman thing was kind of arbitrary.
.........................

If it is marriage (definition deleted per request), I agree. If it is a civil union then it can be whatrver you want it to be.

[Paolo]

Take the definition of "marriage" into the Cellar where it belongs, please. Thank you.

[Mac]

Take the definition of "marriage" into the Cellar where it belongs, please. Thank you.

I was only responding to graylayer02's post where he defined marriage. I removed the definition per your request. It is ok with me if you move both posts into the cellar if that is your policy. I didn't know that it was a violation of the rules to respond in kind to that post. Spanked again!!

[tugon]

Graylayer02,

Have you noticed yet that you walk with your legs a little closer together now? That was something I noticed after my orchi and it took a little getting used to.

Twelve years without T I walk with my legs further apart. Need to make room for the chubby thighs.

[Uncle Flo]

I find I walk and sit differently than I did when I had more bulk between my legs. My guess is that I no longer make allowance for the extra anatomy. --FLO--

[graylayer02]

Graylayer02,

Have you noticed yet that you walk with your legs a little closer together now? That was something I noticed after my orchi and it took a little getting used to.

I have a pair of shoes that were purchased after the orchi and the wear on the outer heel is definately less than shoes I had before the deed was done.

When I walk my feet used to roll from the corner rear to the front. Now with an empty sack my shoes hit more directly and make a "sure footed" noise. Or is it an "empty sack noise?"

Well my sack is very large and not quite empty yet (it's that fluid that tugon describes) so I don't walk too differently...but it still feels better because the balls aren't there to bounce off of my legs or get squished. That kind of hurt. I'm sure things will change with that and the healing, walking less like an old person in general, but my sack will always get tugged at, I think.

Actually, a question for all of you. How much shrinkage did you get in the sack, % wise? Mine would have to shrink by about 90-95% for it to be where I want it to be.

[graylayer02]

Saturday February 13 (T+12 days)

The sutures are beginning to dissolve; the right side actually is starting to look much more reasonable though the whole process should still continue over the next week. The left side is about 2 days behind, and the fluid nut is still pretty large. I'm also getting these occasional moments when I move or sit a certain way, where the internal cord remnants on that side seem to get pinched or stuck. In that case it feels like I still have a painful left nut that experiences a sharp jolt as if it were kicked. But 99% of the time things are fairly good, and my overall sense of well-being is where it was before the surgery. As things continue to heal I expect things to be much better than they were before the surgery. I'm increasingly convinced that there was something with my balls and cords that caused them to send out low-level pain or stress signals throughout the history of their existence. It actually feels physically better without them.

[graylayer02]

July 1991

I get into the shower, look down, and discover my first pubic hair. UGH. I had known that puberty was inevitable but now I knew that it was happening. I'd seen it coming when some of the slightly older boys had developed armpit hair but it was still not fun. It was like opening the fridge and finding some month-old leftovers which had grown hair on them. I couldn't help but to look and be curious, but at the same time it was kind of gross.

Within a couple of years I had doubled in size in just about every way. OK, EVERY way. I was completely of two minds about this. On one hand, I didn't want to go through puberty, develop these big unwieldy bits, have to shave, and all of that. I liked myself just the way I was.

On the other hand, the rest of me doubled in size too, and this was good. I got beaten up a whole lot less; my voice became somewhat more serious-sounding and masculine; and the energy and drive that we associate with testosterone kicked in. And thus I became dependent on the stuff. But I was definitely of two minds about this.

I hear anecdotal stories of guys who were able to stop puberty in its tracks, and I feel a mixture of intense jealousy and intense admiration. In 1991 we didn't have the Internet yet and I could never found my way to another country to have work done. I've never talked with anyone who's actually done this personally, since these guys are understandably pretty private. I would have definitely wanted to go through with androgen blockers and castration at a young age were that option available to me, though I would have had to do an end-run around my parents. That said, there is the masculine side to me which I've now come to accept and take ownership of...and this can be pretty fun too some of the time. I've come to accept being a man, though I can still be a man the way I want to be.

Since I went fully through puberty I'm basically dependent on testosterone or something testosterone-like for the rest of my life. Six months without testosterone drained me of energy, and when winter hit I just couldn't function, so I had to go on T. Definitely if there were standards to treat young boys who wanted to be eunuchs, I would have wanted to do this. The problem would have been to get my parents on board. They were STILL operating under the idea that I'd give them grandkids somehow when I told them about my recent adventure (the accident version of my story, not the real version).

I'd be lying if I said that I fully like the results of having gone through puberty, but that's something I'll have to accept and make the best of.

[halfcock]

gratuliere zum neuen zustand und befinden!!!

[graylayer02]

Danke.

Nothing much to report at T+16 days; these dissolvable sutures dissolve SLOWLY but I've gone to not wearing a bandage on the right incision and wearing half of one on the left. Just can't wait for the stupid things to go away; the left side is about 2 days behind the right side in terms of healing.

I'll take up the gay marriage thing on another thread at another time, I promise. This time it will be the 31 year old me, not the 7 year old me, speaking.

[hkeunuch]

Thanks for sharing your very fascinating experience and feelings. I can sure find much that resonate with my own inner feelings. Hope you heal quickly.