Andrew's jokes thread, part III

[Andrew]

A Rabbi is walking slowly down the street when a gust of
wind blows his hat from his head. The hat is being blown
down the street, but he is an old man and can't walk fast
enough to catch the hat. Across the street a Gentile sees
what has happened and rushes over to grab the hat and then
returns it to the Rabbi.

"I don't think I would have been able to catch my hat,"
said the Rabbi. "Thank you very much." The Rabbi then
places his hand on the man's shoulder and says, "May God
bless you."

The young man thinks to himself, "I've been blessed by the
Rabbi, this must be my lucky day!" So he goes to the
Racetrack and in the first race he sees there is a horse
named Stetson at 20 to 1. He bets $50 and sure enough the
horse comes in first.

In the second race he sees a horse named Fedora at 30 to 1,
so he bets it all and this horse comes in first also.
Finally at the end of the day he returns home to his wife.
When she asks him where he's been, he explains how he caught
the Rabbi's hat and was blessed by him and then went to the
track and started winning on horses that had a hat in their
names.

"So where's the money?" she asks.

"I lost it all in the ninth race. I bet on a horse named
Chateau and it lost."

"You fool, Chateau is a house, Chapeau is a hat!"

"It doesn't matter," he said, "the winner was some Japanese
horse named Yarmulka."

[Andrew]

A woman is fast approaching 40 years of age and is without a partner.
This situation has her rather depressed due to her long history of
failed relationships. After much debate she decides that the best
thing to do is to take out a personal ad in the paper:

Wanted: A good lover to be my friend; who won't beat me
and won't run out on me.

After a week or so no one has responded to the ad. She is feeling
particularly depressed when the door bell rings.

She opens the door to find a man with no arms and no legs lying on the
front porch. Quite surprised at the sight she asks him what he wants.

He replies, "I'm responding to your ad for a good lover."

"How can that be? You have no arms and no legs!"

"I have no arms so I can't beat you and I have no legs so I can't
run out on you!" he said.

"What about being a good lover?" she asked.

He responded, "I rang the doorbell didn't I?"