Andrew's jokes thread, part II

[Andrew]

Since my original jokes thread got hijacked into a discussion about the Windows operating system, here we go with a new thread, starting with a joke making the rounds of AA.

@@@

This guy was lonely and decided life would be more fun if he had a pet. He went to the pet store and told the owner that he wanted to buy an unusual pet.

After some discussion, he finally bought a centipede, which came in a little white box to use for his house. He took the box back home, found a good location for the box, and decided he would start off by taking his new pet to the bar to have a drink.


He asked the centipede, "Would you like to go to Frank's with me and have a beer?" There was no answer from his new pet.
This bothered him a bit, but he waited a few minutes and then asked him again, "How about going to the bar and having a drink with me?" Again, there was no answer from his new friend and pet. He waited a few minutes more, thinking about the situation. He decided to ask him one more time; this time putting his face up against the centipede's house, and shouting, "Hey, in there!

A little voice came out of the box: "I heard you the first time! I'm putting on my shoes."

[colin]

Andrew,

So what goes 99 clunk?

A Centipede with a wooden leg.

Alright, alright so I am showing my age.


LOL

[Andrew]

Scenario: A bishop (B) and a rabbi (R) are sharing a train
compartment. After a short while, the two men of the cloth start
relating some of their past life experiences...

(General conversation...)

B: So tell me, rabbi, have you ever actually tasted ham?

R: Well yes, in fact. Once when I was very young and daring, I tried
it. But only the once...

(short pause)

R: So tell me bishop, have you ever ... enjoyed the comforts of a
young woman?

B: Well, ahem, yes... before I took my vows, mind you, when I was not
so old and not so wise...

[another short pause]

R: Zo, it's better than ham, hmm?

[Andrew]

A reprint of an item that has appeared in many forums, and reprinted here since, for many eunuchs, this is the only pussy we get nowadays. <G>

How To Give A Cat A Pill

1) Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a
baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and
gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat
opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.

2) Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left
arm and repeat process.

3) Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.

4) Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding rear paws
tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with
right fore-finger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.

5) Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call
spouse from garden.

6) Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear
paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with
one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub
cat's throat vigorously.

7) Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make
note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered
figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.

8) Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just
visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth
open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.

9) Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink 1 beer to
take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from
carpet with cold water and soap.

10) Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Open another beer.
Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head showing. Force
mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.

11) Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges.
Drink beer. Fetch bottle of scotch. Pour short, drink. Apply cold compress
to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus jab. Apply whiskey
compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw t-shirt away
and fetch new one from bedroom.

12) Ring fire brigade to retrieve cat from tree across the road. Apologize
to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid blur of screaming
fur. Take last pill from foil wrap.

13) Tie the little b--tard's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and
bind tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy duty pruning gloves from
shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet
steak. Be rough about it. Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints of water
down throat to wash it down.

14) Consume remainder of Scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the emergency
room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill
remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on
way home to order new table.

15) Arrange for RSPCA to collect mutant cat from hell and ring local pet
shop to enquire about hamsters.

How To Give A Dog A Pill
1) Wrap it in bacon.
2) Give it to dog.

[Andrew]

"There are only 10 kinds of people in the world --
Those who understand binary, and those who don't."

[Mac]

Originally posted by Andrew
"There are only 10 kinds of people in the world -- Those who understand binary, and those who don't."

10 (ten) kinds?

Don't you mean 1-0 kinds?

1, 10, 11, 100, 101, 111, 1000

[Andrew]

Originally posted by Mac
10 (ten) kinds?

Don't you mean 1-0 kinds?

1, 10, 11, 100, 101, 111, 1000

Sigh...this was a takeoff on the frequently seen "There are two kinds of people..." followed by two caragories. "10" in binary = "2" decimal. so the joke about there being 10 kinds of people was the binary way of saying two.

And the two catagories were those who understand binary (and you seemed to have missed it) and those who do.

[Andrew]

A doctor is going about his business, with a rectal thermometer
tucked behind his ear. He goes into a staff meeting to discuss the days activities, when a co-worker asks why he has a thermometer behind his ear. In a wild motion he grabs for the thermometer, looks at it and exclaims, "Damn, some asshole has my pen!"
--

[Andrew]

E-mailed to me by a FOAF, source unknown.




In New York City this week, a Virginia couple were arrested for allegedly
having sex in St. Patrick's Cathedral. The man and woman were participants
in a contest sponsored by radio station WNEW, where couples win prizes
for having sex in risky locations. With a station employee on a cell
phone giving the play-by-play from the cathedral, WNEW's afternoon shock
jocks broadcast a live commentary on the alleged sex act.

A spokesman for the Archdiocese of New York called the incident "disgusting."

Given recent Church news, I don't know if I'd be so quick to judge.
When the media can report two consenting, heterosexual adults having
sex in a Catholic church, that's not disgusting - that's progress!

[Andrew]

The Pope met with the College of Cardinals to discuss a proposal from Shimon Peres, the former leader of Israel. "Your holiness," said one of the Cardinals, "Mr. Peres wants to determine whether Jews or Catholics are superior, by challenging you to a golf match." The Pope was greatly disturbed, as he had never held a golf club in his life.

"Not to worry," said the Cardinal, "we'll call America and talk to Jack Nicklaus. We'll make him a Cardinal, he can play Shimon Peres... We can't lose!" Everyone agreed it was a good idea. The call was made and, of course, Jack was honored and agreed to play.

The day after the match, Nicklaus reported to the Vatican to inform the Pope of his success in the match. "I came in second, your Holiness," said Nicklaus.

"Second?!!" exclaimed the surprised Pope. "You came in second to Shimon Peres?!!"

"No," said Nicklaus, "second to Rabbi Woods."

[This was forwarded to me by a friend. I don't know the original source.]

[Andrew]

Six retired Floridians were playing poker in the condo clubhouse when Meyerwitz loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest and drops dead at the table. Showing respect for their fallen comrade, the other five continue playing standing up.

Finkelstein looks around and asks, "So, who's gonna' tell his wife?" They draw straws. Goldberg picks the short one. They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse.

"Discreet? I'm the most discreet mensch you will ever meet. Discretion is my middle name, leave it to me."

Goldberg goes over to the Meyerwitz apartment, knocks on the door. The wife answers and asks what he wants.

Goldberg declares, "Your husband just lost $500, and is afraid to come home."

The wife says, "Tell him to drop dead!"

"I'll go tell him," says Goldberg.

[Andrew]

My brother and I were through downtown San Antonio when we passed a sign reading "Museum of Texas Culture."

"Huh. That ought to take about ten minutes to see," I scoffed.

Without missing a beat my brother replied, "Why in God's name would you want to go through twice?"