Andrew's jokes thread

[Andrew]

What goes "clip-clop clip-clop clip-clop clip-clop clip-clop
bang bang bang bang bang bang bang
clip-clop clip-clop clip-clop clip-clop clip-clop"?








An Amish drive-by shooting.

[Andrew]

Signs Found in Kitchens

1. A messy kitchen is a happy kitchen, and this kitchen is delirious.

2. No husband has ever been shot while doing the dishes.

3. A husband is someone who takes out the trash and gives the
impression he just cleaned the whole house.

4. If we are what we eat, then I'm easy, fast, and cheap.

5. A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.

6. Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.

7. Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves, for they shall
never cease to be amused.

8. A clean house is a sign of a misspent life.

9. Help keep the kitchen clean--eat out.

10. Housework done properly can kill you.

11. Countless numbers of people have eaten in this kitchen and
gone on to lead normal lives.

12. My next house will have no kitchen--just vending machines.

What do you get when you throw a hand grenade into a kitchen in France?

Linoleum blownapart.

[Andrew]

Subject: Music soothes the savage breast
From: abramowitz@att.net (Robert L. Abramowitz)
Date: 8/5/02 7:30 PM Pacific Daylight Time
Message-id: <S1281.18a8@netfunny.com>

I own a small business, and last week I had to call the I.R.S. [the U.S.
tax authorities] to clear up a clerical error on a deposit of taxes
withheld from employees' paychecks.

I dialed their toll-free number and navigated a few levels of their
automated telephone system until I was connected to the right
department. I then heard a recorded voice telling me that my wait would
be approximately 5 minutes. I decided to wait.

While waiting, I listened to the recorded music that was played by the
I.R.S. phone site. When I realized what the music was, I broke out in
hysterical laughter.

It was selections from "The Nutcracker".

[Andrew]

What's the difference between today and 1950's?

Today, a man walks into a drugstore and states loudly, "I'd like
some condoms," then whispers, "and some cigarettes."



--

[Andrew]

"Three Rodents with Defective Visual Perception"!

(sung, somehow, to the tune of "Three Blind Mice")

Three rodents with defective visual perception.
Three rodents with defective visual perception.
Observe how they perambulate.
Observe how they perambulate.

They perambulated after the agriculturalist's spouse,
Who amputated their posterior appendages with a kitchen utensil.
Have you ever witnessed such a spectacle in your existence
as three rodents with defective visual perception?

(original lyrics by Chris Wesling and Rick Serna)

[Paolo]

Somehow I just can't get the tune and cadence right. Then again, puberty ended MY singing career...

[Classy Bitch]

Andrew:

Lots of people like that aztriad.com site you cited.

I listed some things from it in the Archieves and gave you the credit you deserve - "Castration Education - Historical and Scholarly" has about 3,000 hits so far, not bad for an artsy intellectual subject.

Thanks again.

- CB

P.S. (Not P.M.S.): Do I get in trouble for not telling jokes on a joke thread? As I often warn people, I cry easily and don't want to be yelled at by anyone anytime. So if I am not funny where I should be or if people think I am funny in a funny/weird way and in-the-way, then I am sorry, sorry, sorry.

[Andrew]

Originally posted by Classy Bitch

P.S. (Not P.M.S.): Do I get in trouble for not telling jokes on a joke thread? As I often warn people, I cry easily and don't want to be yelled at by anyone anytime. So if I am not funny where I should be or if people think I am funny in a funny/weird way and in-the-way, then I am sorry, sorry, sorry.

This is NOT just a "jokes" thread. It also lists "links", which you mentioned. And in any case, I would like to think THIS area of the Message Board should be in the spirit of Alcoholics Anonymous Rule #62..."Don't take yourself so Goddamned seriously." So relax, post, and even cry if you have to. Be weird. Be Very Weird.

[Andrew]

Did you hear about the priest in Ireland, who kept running down the English?

He would renounce his congregation of sinners by yelling, "If you don't act better your all going to hell with the ENGLISHMEN!"

One day the bishop called him in, and told him that if he didn't quite denouncing the English, he would be demoted and transffered.

The priest agreed, and in his next sermon, he told the story of the
betrayal of Jesus.

"Jesus looked at all of the apostles one at a time and said 'TONIGHT, ONE OF YOU WILL BETRAY ME!'"

"Peter said, 'Its not I is it master?'"

"Jesus just looked at Judas"

"Judas, realizing the steady gaze of THE LORD upon him said, 'Blimy govenor, you wouldn't think it was me would you?'"

[Andrew]

Q: Why does Bill Gates prefer Windows NT over his wife?

A: It goes down more than she does.

[Paolo]

Actually NT, esp. NT2000, is infinitely more stable than 98, se, or ME ever were. My computer's been running for a good 2 months and hasn't crashed anything with it.

[colin]

Paolo,

2 whole months without a crash? Keep this up and you will become eligible for a safe driver's award.


LOL

[radar]

Originally posted by Paolo
Actually NT, esp. NT2000, is infinitely more stable than 98, se, or ME ever were. My computer's been running for a good 2 months and hasn't crashed anything with it.

Right you are, Paolo. Of course, NT/2000 is so stable precisely because Microsoft didn't write them! NT was originally a Digital product, and remained so through Win2K. I'm avoiding XP because that's one where MS took the lead again.
I've had NT operating continuously, without a crash or even a hiccup, for as long as 6 months at a time.

[Andrew]

Great news! Some of the old favorite singers and bands have
re-released their great hits with new lyrics to accommodate their ageing audience. Some examples:

Herman's Hermits--"Mrs. Brown You've Got a Lovely Walker"

The Rolling Stones--"You Can't Always Pee When You Want"

Credence Clearwater Revival--"Bad Prune Rising"

Marvin Gaye-- "I Heard It Through the Grape Nuts"

The Who--"Talkin' 'Bout My Medication"

The Troggs--"Bald Thing"

Carly Simon--"You're So Varicose Vein"

The Bee Gees--"How Can You Mend a Broken Hip"

Roberta Flack--"The First Time Ever I Forgot Your Face"

Johnny Nash--"I Can't See Clearly Now"

The Temptations--"Papa Got a Kidney Stone"

ABBA--"Denture Queen"

Leo Sayer--"You Make Me Feel Like Napping"

Commodores--"Once, Twice, Three Trips to the Bathroom"

Procol Harem--"A Whiter Shade of Hair"

The Beatles--"I Get By With a Little Help From Depends"

[Andrew]

A young man joined the Army and signed up with the paratroopers. He went though the standard training, completed the practice jumps from higher and higher structures, and finally went to take his first jump from an airplane. The next day, he called home to his father to tell him the news.

"So, did you jump?" the father asked.

"Well, let me tell you what happened. We got up in the plane, and the sergeant opened up the door and asked for volunteers. About a dozen men got up and just walked out of the plane!"

"Is that when you jumped?" asked the father.

"Um, not yet. Then the sergeant started to grab the other men one at a time and throw them out the door."

"Did you jump then?" asked the father.

"I'm getting to that. Every one else had jumped, and I was the last man left on the plane. I told the sergeant that I was too scared to jump. He told be to get off the plane or he'd kick my butt."

"So, did you jump?"

"Not then. He tried to push me out of the plane, but I grabbed onto the door and refused to go. Finally he called over the Jump Master. The Jump Master is this great big guy, about six-foot five, and 250 pounds. He said to me, `Boy, are you gonna jump or not?' I said, `No, sir. I'm too scared.' So the Jump Master pulled down his zipper and took his penis out. I swear, it was about ten inches long and as big around as a baseball bat! He said, `Boy, either you jump out that door, or I'm sticking this little baby up your ass.'"

"So, did you jump?" asked the father.

"Well, a little, at first."