loveableleopardy
The Lucky One
by
, 06-21-2012 at 10:58 AM (862 Views)
Well, I will most definitely be if I get to meet her.
In August.
The luckiest boy in the world indeedy.
I am not sure where I will post this just now (it’s 9:35pm on June 15 at the minute); the EA, or my blog. I also do not know if my EA name has been changed, as requested a week or so back. It’s not the biggest of deals, but it suddenly seemed to me that it was rather silly; quite fool hardy in fact, to have my actual name on these boards. Yes, it would be great if everyone could be 100% themselves, but that is just being gunho. It was being gunho for Kate. And I don’t need to be like that anymore.
I am loveable (meant to be spelt lovable I think, but I prefer it with the e in the middle) to just the way I am. I have learned to love myself without having to be Mr Principle.
Not that recent weeks have seen completely wonderful behaviour from me. But all in all things seem to be working out perfectly. Really they do. Do, do do, do, do do do.
Last weekend I became adamant that I would see the same hooker from the previous weekend; whom I’d physically gotten along so well. I was in the frame of mind to actually hurt her, which meant pretending that she could be my girlfriend, and then trying to get some ‘free’ sex out of our exchanges.
This was even though I knew that this was a horrible thing to do; in all respects and for all people.
Including me.
It is now Saturday June 16, 7:14 pm. I stopped writing last time due to little darling Bella arriving onto my lap. It’s usually the case that I will allow her to win out over my laptop. On many times she will soon be off, perhaps distracted by a noise and so forth, and then I would write more. But this time it was a long continuous stretch that she snoozed for, and by the end of it all it was clearly bed time.
I love having Bella on my lap actually. It’s very loving for us both.
Just now she is sitting beside me, but I’ll try and focus on the writing for a bit. The rambling. While still (patting her now) paying her attention from time to time.
She is really trying to get the better of the laptop again lol. It can be hard to resist her charms.
Basically I have felt bored this evening though. I worked today, which was fine, and then it was internet at the shopping centre and supermarket plus late lunch. Then a nice walk with Bella. But since then I’ve had thoughts about returning to my parents place for internet access, and to view porn. I am still physically lonely. There are no two ways about that. Here I am, a handsome boy, just sitting at home with his dog. I’ve thought of going out too, but there are possible major implications to that, plus ‘clubbing’ generally hasn’t resulted in the happiest times of my life.
August 11. August 11. August 11. August 11. Just need to keep saying it. It really is not that far away.
But in other ways it is. Just consider how much I miss her, in general. Just a few hours without her contact and I’m craving it. Craving her. Today she poked me, and I am grateful for that, but there was no further conversation, and so I feel my day kinda incomplete. So that too is most definitely a reason to want to travel to my parents – who are away on a short holiday – but I’m aware that the porn will probably take over. At least I don’t kid myself.
I have considered going to the shopping centre. Do I go there ‘yet’ again? Lol
I think I wrote of this, but my masturbation without streak ended at twenty-seven days. That’s rather impressive, even with 2 hooker encounters from day sixteen on. Well three actually, if you count the one on the twenty-seventh day too. And that in itself again emphasises that masturbation for me is all about environment and state of mind. Even after sex that morning I was keen to view porn and masturbate when given the opportunity later that day. The physical ability to masturbate was oh so easy. Which means that all of those times when I’m going three, four, five, six, seven, etc, days without ejaculation must be super easy to physically masturbate. But generally I feel absolutely no desire too. Like just now. There is no desire to masturbate, and it’s been five days since the last, but there is desire to view porn. If I had the internet here, I’d be on it in a jiffy.
Which makes not getting the net at my new unit one of my all time best decisions. It’s also a case of taking note of the past; recalling that I wasn’t obsessed by masturbation when I didn’t have home online access in 2006 and the first half of 2007.
So it was one week ago now, this latest hooker venture, and I feel no desire to see hookers again now in the immediate future. This seems to have been gotten out of my system. Well, if I was given it for free tonight or something I’d go, but you know what I mean.
I also have a little coleslaw (since realised it's meant to be coldsore lol) on my left side of mouth. Karma. But that’s good.
Two days after the hooker and masturbation combo, I masturbated again. My parents were out at the footy and I travelled to their place, on the premise that I’d buy plane tickets and get some medication for Bella. I was quickly distracted by porn, and so on this occasion I really didn’t kid myself enough. And I wasted almost four hours on it. Four hours! I had left Bella at home too. That’s the thing with addictions. Others get hurt. Well, I wasn’t costing my parents money – they are on some sort of standard internet plan – but Bella was left all alone, and when I finally got back that night she got all excited and after some brief play she peed on the mat. It was the first time since our move that she hadn’t gone outside.
I was stricken with guilt, and not just for her. Far worse was my treatment of S. My S. It wasn’t particularly bad treatment, but it was still insensitive. I had initially logged onto facebook, seen that she’d written a message, but I didn’t reply, moving off onto less lofty things. She wasn’t logged in anyhoo, but it was the principle of not replying that was the issue. I should always reply when given the ‘opportunity’. Because I know how much ‘I’ miss her.
And we are Samey/Samey. Oh yes indeedy.
She freaked out. It wasn’t anything to do with a non reply on facebook, but it was still guilt that I deserved. It was that I had not replied to her work emails. I was not at work, having had a public holiday, and apparently I had told her this, she later told, so should not have freaked out at all. But yes she should have. Because I was insensitive. I didn’t even poke her. I didn’t because I had nothing to say, and figured that a poke acknowledged that I was on fb and thus had the opportunity to say something. But the most important thingy is just to remind our love ones that we are there. There for them. And that’s what S – My Sun – did today.
On the Monday I didn’t even get the plane tickets. I had to do it through a travel agent, which is now done. Yippee!! Well, I shall get them next Friday at 5:30 pm.
And I got Bella medication, but the wrong stuff, and I bought 12 months worth. Oh me oh my! And I’d taken with me three contacts to call to pay off bills, but called none. I have since called the two important ones, but that was bad, cause that was on work time.
Even though we are quiet.
The hooker experience last Saturday was nice. Nothing too out of the ordinary. I had seen her two or three times previously, and we physically get along okay. Like many women it is simply lovely to hold her and kiss her. They have such beautiful soft skin, and it’s amazing in a way to get to be with them.
But the point was that I didn’t ‘choose’ to be with ‘her’. Life, or fate, chose that.
When I called them up I specifically asked for the girl whom I was with the previous weekend. The one who was ‘totally’ into me and whom I was going to be bad to and lie to and try to get some cheap sex and physical companionship out of. But she wasn’t there. Apparently.
This surprised me as she said she worked there Saturdays and Sundays, but anyhoo, I immediately named my backup girl, and so I was scheduled in. When I arrived she was called to me, and when we headed towards the bedroom I caught site of the other girl heading out to be one of numerous possible other guests of another guy. She saw me too, and must have felt confused and horrible. But even at the moment that this strange event was occurring, I knew that it was the right thing. I would have preferred to have been with her, but whatever hurt caused there and then would always be hundreds of times less to what it could have been if I’d gotten my selfish way.
And so I paid for it. Again. But nobody got hurt too badly.
No woman can just be with me. Not just for a fling. For I am too loveable.
It is 8:17 now. I just had Bella for twenty-two minutes. Until she was distracted lol.
It kinda works well actually. I am a great burst writer. For the most part I can’t sit here for hours and write. Not all in a row. But in bursts I can be Gregory Gold.
The being too loveable thingy was discussed in some depth during an outstanding piece of writing that I did for me and Joanna. I wrote it oh, perhaps about two weeks ago, at least most of it, and it was sent to her a week ago. There has been no reply, but that’s okay.
Silence is really for the best sometimes. It’s what is meant to be. Even if she would have much to say, I am sure.
Updated 11-16-2012 at 10:37 PM by loveableleopardy (personal rightY)
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