Who knows? I've beaten myself up for a lot of things in my childhood, and my own gender issues. As kids and teens we are trying to find our identities outside of our parents. We hide a lot of what we are, and what is going on with us. For me, it was shame that I was somehow a less worthy person because I wasn't normal. I told myself that I wasn't worthy until I believed it to my core.

The last thing I wanted though, was for my parents and those around me to know I was defective and unworthy. All I wanted was to be seen as normal, so I learned to act normal.

If one of my parents asked me, "Is everything okay?" I'd answer, "Yes. Everything is perfect."

Looking back, there were plenty of times my parents tried to approach the subject of my sexuality with me. They were concerned, and knew 'something' wasn't going right. I saw that 'something' as proof that I was an unworthy human being, and did everything in my power to hide it.

Here is the rub. I was the one telling myself I was unworthy and flawed. I was the one making myself believe that. I was the one acting as if everything was normal when it wasn't.

Is it possible that my parents could have helped me when I was still young enough for it to make a difference? Probably. But, I wasn't going to let them know. I have to own that and accept that.

Looking back, and wondering "what if," isn't very helpful because what is done is done. You can only look to what did happen and try to understand why.

If you were young enough, and came out to your parents, it is possible they might not have thrown you out. They may have thought you were going through a phase, and tried to ride it out. Maybe, they would have come to accept you for who you really are over time, and maybe not.

If it will help you heal, perhaps you should try to ask them.

My parents have been extremely supportive of me. When I finally confessed everything I had been hiding, the only thing they were upset about, was how long I had been lying to them for. They felt guilty for not knowing the obvious a lot sooner. I think they were a little mad that I hid such important things from them.

I don't know your parents, or what went into their decision. I'm sorry you were thrown out for being gay. From what you say in your post, it may well be there was a time your parents were willing to talk to you about what was going on. Only they can tell you what changed for them.

Only you know why you held on to your secret so long.

Look to the reason why, and move forward. Don't cling to the past, and wonder, "what if?" You can only know what did happen. Only you can use that information, and make yourself a better future.