Things haven't gone as well for me since my last blog post, but I am remaining mostly positive about the whole androcur thing, and not feeling like I am going to bail on it like I did when I still struggled with masturbation while on 50 mg.

Last Monday night was quiet a shock. After 7 days of taking a double shot - and about 10 to 11 days without masturbation - I suddenly cracked and went to town on myself. It was a good example of how strong this beast is. I can remember how I had been feeling: genuinely one who had no desire for sex (even though I still found and find many women highly attractive), nor the capability to even peform in any shape or manner. In fact such was my state of mind, that I can guarantee that if the 2 hottest women at work had suddenly hit on me and invited me out for a threesome, I would have kindly rejected their offer. It sounds really funny to say that (especially as I'm not feeling eunuchy right now), but it's true. Somehow.

And then bam.

Tuesday was good. So was Wednesday. Then really late on Thursday a cracked some more, though I only viewed porn briefly and went to bed before ejaculating. But then the next morning I did some more viewing before work (again no explosion), and much of Saturday and Sunday afternoon have been spent masturbating and then ejaculating. I am finding this annoying rather than depressive. I have faith in the drug, and struggle to see how long-term use of it will not result in positive outcomes. So for now I remain on the 100 mg.

Today I did something that I didn't particularly want to do, but I felt kinda forced. I asked a friend if I could have some medication sent to his house for me. He isn't even a best mate - more of a friend of a friend - but I don't really have too many friends (I have enough for me though) and my 2 besties live with their mum (like me), so I don't want them seeing a weird package addressed to me and asking questions. This other friend lives on his own and knows nothing about my interests in eunuchy stuff. So I just tried to give him a very short message about it without explaining much of anything. After about 6 hours he is yet to reply to it. If I can't have the drugs delivered to him I will try one of my best mates and do a little explaining.

In case you are not aware, my parents played 20 questions with me after my first androcur package arrived, which was quite uncomfortable - for all of us.

I should be finally moving back out soon, so that issue will disappear with that.

As far as my fairly minimal experiences with meds go, I must say that my body seems very stubborn! It appears to insist on adapting to whatever I throw into it rather than allowing itself to be influenced. But androcur is not a lozenge; it's fairly serious stuff. I am confident that the will of my body and of my little tiger downstairs can not defeat it. They may win little battles, but not the war.

Once I get the next package (even if I had to get it delivered to my parents again I would, and then just have a massive argument!) I will probably up the dosage to 150 mg, unless the 100 mg is doing the job (unlikely). I am thinking of taking the extra 50 after work, and perhaps more so than physically, it may have a positive effect mentally, as an extra little helper to ward off the night demons.

And would I go to 200 mg? You bet ya. Unless of course there was a major negative side effect like major depression. Nothing like that just now.

And I can always try something like Depo-Provera, which is a drug that I have read very little about, but no that many 'eunuchs' have had positive results from it.

Life feels in general very good. Not perfect, though perhaps it is never meant to be. We are just meant to give our best efforts and love ourselves for that. And it's easier when another helps too. For only about a week ago the idea was born for me to co-write a childrens book (or perhaps it will more be for teenagers). As sometimes happens with me, ideas have been flowing thick and fast and I have been feeling soooo happy about it all!!!

And the positiveness of that far outweighs the negativity of masturbation. Overall I feel relatively relaxed. Maybe in the future I will even start to allow myself to have afternoon kips - only on the weekends as I have work of course. But work is a positive too.

Hi Gregowlerson,

Nice to read your blogs again I hope you can keep writing as I want to make sure your ok.

If your talking about masturbation we have a built in desire to do and enjoy this. Many people have a feeling of negativity after sex or masturbation. It is very upsetting for some people who are in the same boat as you or are transgender as they see it as a bad thing.

I have trouble with my BF at the moment as I have no interest in sex and it is difficult to get across that my needs have changed. I still masturbate and make love to my BF and that should not seen to be a bad thing.

Its great that your looking at writing a book and it sounds awesome, Im sure many would be interested to see how it progresses.

Thanks for the well wishes Hungrycat. The book (which is progressing VERY well, though in its VERY early stages) will highlight my mostly positive approach to life nowadays. Most days tend to provide me with moments of incredible happiness - I am pretty happy with where I am at as a 30 year old human (or what I have thus far experienced).

The masturbation subject is an interesting one. I would prefer to not do it, though if I can't achieve that then I will just put up with that I guess. It's more the way that I masturbate rather than just masturbation - so I could always live in a monk type of way away from the internet and be happier in that way with that sort of stuff.

I'm not so sure that I am greatly negative towards sex. I mean I've had it numerous times in the past 15 months and physically enjoyed it (plus proven to be decent at it lol), though not ever believing that it was as meaningful to me as many other things that happen in life. My issues sexually are to do with what I believe are fundamental differences between physical and emotional wants and needs between men and women when it comes to sex. Because of different life experiences I very much see these differences as being the cause of many a relationship issue, plus some other world issues too (most obviously greed). With me, although I fully believe that I can and do love a woman, I also believe that once in a normal relaitonship with one that the desire for sex will still overide all other aspects. I think that I can love them a lot better (and myself) without my sex drive.

Sex is possibly different to you when it comes to some of the things that I've mentioned, because it is boyfriend and boyfriend - and therefore there is a chance to have a wonderful connection and sameness in your sexual relationship.

But I really do not know anything about that; it's a kinda assumption that same sex relationships may result in less 'game playing' then with straight couples.

Thanks again for your concern.

I have some stuff to write again, and perhaps need to readdress some of the comments in my last post.

I am still on Androcur and on it 100mg a day. The other day I went past 50 pills consumed in total (so I gave myself a yay, well no, not really!). I still have major masturbation sessions, though many days are without it which is good. I have a little less sex drive in general, though when I am aroused I am just as hard as before. So no just half erections and stuff that others speak of.

I don't feel depressed at all - not in manic drug induced ways; only sometimes I am a little physically lonely, but that's totally normal. And mostly my days are spent with lots of joy; I get to enjoy a lot of smirk inducing moments :-)

I have slightly aching muscles sometimes, but most days are pretty good, and walking Bella is still easy, fun and peaceful.

I seem to be having more facial movements and stuff (ticks would you call them?) just now, though this could be from just a lack of sleep sometimes. And don't worry I sleep well when I go to bed, just sometimes I stay up for a while beforehand.

I also have dry and parched lips right now, but that is probably due to the many salted nuts I have been eating this week!

So am I feeling Eunuchy? No. I feel like just wanting to be with a woman at the drop of a hat, though as strange as this sounds, this isn't entirely a bad thing. Not at all.

I got the pills sent to my mates place, and this was quite a scary moment - scary because of possibly negatively effecting him, and of course harming the friendship. What happened was that his landlord saw the package, and the package isn't subtle (why do they post these things out with prescription written all over it?), and well, my mate was questioned over it. The previous person who lived in the studio apartment left after the landlord caught him using (and selling maybe) hardcore recreational drugs. So it is not good what I have done to my mate.

I immediately wanted to speak to the landlord and explain (I wouldn't even care about explaining the drug - who cares who knows; it's only family that are naturally offended and work that maybe can't know because I have to work to live). As I joked to my mate, it's not stuff that I can sell for much on the streets!

This all lead to me telling him WHAT it was, and so he quickly googled it and was confused that it was for transgender and chemical castration purposes. I told him that I was interested in the latter. It makes me think that surely my parents knew what I was up to with this, and I think that just like me, they didn't want a major argument. And maybe to also just give me a reminder that they care.

I have not seen the mate since (I see him tomorrow when we go with others to the cricket), but I think it will be okay. We facebooked each other a few times quickly about the interesting subject of sex, and while he could not understand how one could not want to want sex, "which is the best thing ever!," he didn't ostricise me (which he would have kinda had a right too just for me getting him into possible trouble with the landlord). He is quite a deep guy actually, and though he can come across as pretty blokey, is really a bit out there at times with his humour and conversation.

I didn't really say much about it all. Just that we have different life experiences and thus different perspectives, and that it was a case of me weighing up the positives and negatives of having my sex drive....or not. I was (and am) big on "each to his own." I think that would be one of my main life motto's, even though I don't say the phrase much.

I am not sold on living without my sex drive as being the best for me. Like I said to my mate, I try to keep an open mind, and although I wasn't thinking of that exactly when I said it, it rings true. My negative attitudes towards sex were largely geared towards a boy who lacked confidence and was thus a candidate to be overly influenced into becoming someone who he wasn't (a very non alpha male, which I no longer am). And it was due to my insistence (incredible hard headedness) that I couldn't convince myself at all that I loved a woman at all genuinely if/because I had sex drive. It wasn't a hatred of women. Rather of hatred of self.

And over the past two years that has slowly, but surely disappated. Thanks to my being loved.

It is my dream to make love to my favourite woman. Well its more my dream to be with her, but I have no issues with the sex being a part of that. I have no issues with questioning myself over whether I genuinely love her, because I know that I do. And it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks.

And the cheating issue shouldn't exist. For why would I ever do something that would make me REALLY hate myself?

One thing that I think is a negative about sex, is that on soooo many occasions people get together and then get trapped together, and they are people who were never compatible. This could have easily happened to me with anyone of my past three girlfriends, which was too much to do with sex (and also a bit to do with loneliness without a physical partner). It is best for me to be with someone who loves to write, because I do too, and to write together backwards and forwards with someone whom you have a kooky cool connection with has to be one of the best thingys ever in life. Maybe it is "the best thing ever!" lol

So to still be taking Androcur now is good I feel, but I'd always be willing to give that up at the appropriate time. I just don't have hard headedness now. I have freedom. And that can only be a good thingy.

And I very much hope that she reads this. I don't even care anymore about ulterior motive. I just want to feel happy, happy, happy, happy. Well, even more so :-)

Hi gregrowlerson,

Sounds like you are feeling good? I still have bad days like yesterday when my BF was trying to help me write a new CV. I have really problems talking about my last job as I think I have some sort of post traumatic stress. BF is very understanding and when I not happy he is willing to wait until I feel better. I hope you are being careful with how many pills you are taking!!!

I'm glad you are feeling better anyway and sometimes Its good to do what you want and not what others expect you to do....

Thanks for your continued support Ryan.

I am still just taking the 100mg, and doing so in the one lump sum in the morning. It's possible that I'm beginning to feel more of that so-called Eunuch calm again, as I haven't masturbated since Monday (though that was a bit of a crazed session) and haven't ejaculated properly for at least ten days. So the past few days I haven't felt obsessed by sex, but at the same token I think I'd be able to perform if called upon, which actually seems like a nice balance. But I will just keep waiting to see what happens. I could suddenly be masturbating in an hours time; it's difficult to tell with that sort of stuff, though I feel like I won't be.

I feel like dreaming mostly - today has been filled with zoning in moments of scenarios of a meeting with someone. I am much more about Andy Dufresne's take on hope than of Reds. I'm all about green lights.

Yesterday I went back to taking 50mg of Androcur for 3 reasons:

1. I've been getting headachey type of symptoms. What happens when I get run down, or I over do it (funnily enough sometimes by too much masturbating!) is that I will get a migraine, or I will feel really on the edge of getting one. That's been the way for periods of the past five days or so. And I haven't even got a full blown one, but a finger will go numb (it often starts with pins and needles in a hand, which goes really strong and then runs up my arm) but then stop, or I'll get blurred vision (my other main starting symptom), but that will eventually subside before I get the full headache. I've been pretty hazy for lengthy periods. I understand my body very well in this way. It just means that at this point in time, I can't handle 100mg.

2. General scaredness about whether what I am doing is right. Well not really whether it is right, because morally I think it's good, but questioning over whether it is going to be best for me long term. I did a little reminiscing as I was changing my phone over (though it doesn't matter as I keep my old stuff on the other phone anyway) and writing down some texts and stuff before possibly losing it, and well, the main thing with my only 3 normal relationships is that they've all greatly involved sex. The only women who have ever wanted and/or been willing to be with me regularly as a partner have all been women that I've been very 'manly' with - I've totally wanted them sexually and never held back at all in regards to principles and stuff, so sometimes I do doubt myself and my beliefs, and question whether I can get another to love me in the 'normal' way, without the 'normal' sexual stuff. But I'm over that again now, and feel much better about continuing to persue the 'Androcur' lifestyle. I am happy with how my mind is though. I feel that it's much better to be too openminded than too hard headed. Taking Androcur is a very serious thingy indeedy (and I am being serious despite the y's!) and I don't ever want to feel like I am taking it just because I am forcing myself too. The pros have to outweigh the cons. And as far as relationships go, it's kinda difficult for me to realistically try a proper one (though I realise that others are very good at turning a blind eye) seeing as I confessed my love for someone in my autobiography. I was thinking the other day that I could call a follow up to that book, How To Fuck Up One's Life Royally, but as with most things like that, I think it in good humour, and if being truthful stops me from starting other relationships that end in carnage, then that can only be a good thing. As I sit here I am happy with the way that I have played all my cards thus far that has led me to this point. I don't regret where I'm at.

3. A lack of pills. I have less than 40 or so on me, and I was also unsure if I could get the ones I last ordered off my friend. He has been going through heaps just now; in fact a few days ago he quit his job - it seemed totally inappropriate to try to get the subject back onto when I could pick my pills up. But tonight on facebook he bought it up, and I can go over there on Thursday and get another 100. Yay! Still, it's a good decision because of this point (and point one) to be on the 50mg because I don't know when I will get out of home. I certainly can't leave myself in a situation where I quickly go from 100mg to 0 due to an empty supply. And I am not going to order more to here or to anywhere else. It's up to me to move out. Pure and simple. Then I can freely move back onto 100mg if I so desire.

I have been feeling very eunuchy. This is no surprise. The blurred vision is the Androcur taking a lot out of me - taking a lot of testosterone out of me. I very much feel that. My last masturbation was now eight days ago and full ejaculation must be close to two weeks. Androcur can definitely work on me. And I haven't really thought about what that means, but yes it is a relief. Being on reduced dosage these past 2 days hasn't made me suddenly horny, but again that could suddenly change. Nevertheless I have read where many on this drug have downgraded to a low dosage once it had reduced/removed their sex drive and then it continued to have these effects. So for now that is what I can hope for, though I won't be devastated if I have a full hard on later in the week. It's still a period of experimentation.

I feel positive right now with continuing on down this path. My life over this short stretch without my sex drive has been good, despite the negative effects. I come home from work and get greeted marvellously by my dog Bella, and usually take her for a walk in the evening (will be doing so again soon), and then I spend my time mostly writing (such as this), and this is something I love heaps. So I have been spending HOURS each night online, but I don't consider any of it meaningless or a waste of time, which stereotypically might be the case (and my parents are probably a little concerned with me appearing to be zombie like in front of the computer, but I'm actually REALLY alive!).

A small thing about my medication is that it isn't stopping me from eating or drinking what I want. Quite a lot of chocolate and beer lately lol. No problemo.

I just need to do some ground work and move out of home. Start being pro-active and actually go to real estate agents rather than just send off general enquiry emails. Because I can be really lazy with stuff like that. "Oh Greggy" is what some might say.

Well I just failed to get a booking for something because it was full. Well actually I failed because I was too bloody lazy to bother to try to book earlier. I'd had about 2 weeks.

I am such a moron sometimes. Damn it! :-(

But anyway, the androcur path is still going pretty smoothly. Yesterday I was quite short of breath (having to work hard to breathe), especially early in the day, but today has been no problems. And still no masturbating since 10 days ago, which was January 30. I will remember this date, just out of interest for how long I go without doing it. It doesn't seem like tonight is going to be the night, so that's good :-)

I got the extra pills off my buddy tonight, so I've got supplies on me for a number of months. That is comforting.

Most definitely I am feeling a bit more tired during physical exercise (when Bella decides to run and I try to keep up I notice this). It would be interesting to see how I go with something like tennis - I sometimes play it with a couple of friends. That could really show me up for lack of fitness!

I am seeing lots of family on Saturday night which will be pretty good. And my mum (who saw them today) said that some of us might be going in a football stats competition together, which I would like for family downtime.

The best thing about my life at the moment (even better than the positive effects of the androcur) is my interactions with my co-writer. These are totally awesome! And we already have terrific plans in place for our story. Me thinks that it can even be completed this year. No problemo.

It's like a great painting. A blob here and a blob there. And then before you know it there are blobs everywhere, and the picture is amazing.

16 days now since masturbation. I seem to be achieving a nice balance :-)

I had a failure last night, but I'm still remaining positive about things. Androcur has been very good to me thus far; I have seen major improvements.

I would just like to improve by about another 5%.

I am still very happy at present despite further recent setbacks.

Because I am a lucky and loved boy, and because the setbacks are understandable.

On Wednesday night I didn't even get off properly; cause I did it accidentally and made a bit of a mess lol. Thursday was fine, then Friday I did it for close to two hours and then stopped before any ejaculation. A parent went to the bathroom, and it was nearly 1am, and I very sheepishly got out of all the pages and turned the computer off as quickly as possible before sneaking into bed.

And then today I finished that job. So the afternoon was largely wasted. This evening I have taken a second Androcur pill for the day. I'd decided after Wednesday that it might be a good idea to try just upping it to 100mg on the weekends (any negative effects are easier to deal with away from work). I don't think it's all that important what my day to day dosage is; it's all about how much is in my system, and maybe it works back a week or a fortnight as far as the effects go. So when I went back to 50mg it still took quite a while for my sex drive to kick in, because the days of 100mg dosage were still having their effect. The idea of mixing up the 50 and 100mg days is something that I don't mind.

The main thing is to move out of the house. Then I can really get a drawer filled with these pills and just take them freely (not that I'm going to start eating them like sweets, these aren't gummy bears lol). And today I applied again for more places to rent. I did this during some of my Saturday work hours - not particularly moral - but at least I used that down time wisely. I am really looking forward to getting out on my own with my dog, and just being forced to live somewhat normally - do normal things like feed and clean myself (well I do shower, but my mum does my washing).

Before I turn 31 I hope. And I'm highly confident that before years end that Androcur will have fully worked its magic on me.

Since Saturay I have gotten control of my little tiger again. I'd taken the second pill late that day, and followed up with a double shot on Sunday. This made me very exhausted a few hours later in the afternoon, and I spent part of the day kinda napping. So for the last three days I have gone to a process of taking one pill in the morning and one in the evening, and it seems to be having the same positive effect on my sex drive as taking it all at once; plus I am feeling less tired, and not feeling a bit spun out - blurry - and headachey like earlier. So I think that this is the best medicine. Still, I'm not sure that 100mg A day is necessary (plus I still have my lack of stock to worry about), so tomorrow I will just take 50mg (going out anyway in the evening), before returning to 100mg Friday.

Life is great for me. Bloody awesome :-)

Continuing on from my last message, I got through to Saturday before the demons kicked in again, but that's okay - it had been another week. Another solid streak. Maybe it was a combination of the period around 2-3 weeks earlier of only being on 50mg a day, as well as the only taking of 50mg on the Thursday; perhaps highlighting how borderline this all is. In anycase, I went under that androcur line sometime soon after work on Saturday. Something snapped inside of me (I was actually out shopping at the time, I urgently required food as I was weak and about to go proper headachey again, but still knew I had to masturbate lol) and I wasted much of the afternoon on that. And the next day I went at it again in the arvo, even after taking a double shot in the morning. Later I took another one, making it my first 150mg day.

On that Saturday I didn't ejaculate properly. It was another accidental one (I used to be better at being on the edge when I was on lexapro lol), and I did so all over my undies/jeans *embarassed* so I also didn't get as much out of my system as perhaps I should have.

The next day when I went again, I went properly, but clearly my sperm was thinner and less. It was another positive sign during this whole process.

It was a case of getting back to routine this week. One pill in the morning and one after work, and it's working. There have been no slip ups since last Sunday and I just don't see any in the near future - it seems like a good time to try to break my sixteen day record :-)

I had minor chest pains early in the week; so okay, perhaps that's not the greatest thingy, but to me it showed that the androcur had taken over again. And I have not felt headachey whilst taking my pills separately.

I had some serious blurred vision before though. WIth today being my second 150mg day I took a double shot at about midday (I had slept in a lot today, and taken it after breakfast), and within forty-five minutes I could hardly make out what was on the computer screen! Some chocolate, water, banana and a nurofen tablet later, and soon there was some improvement. Plus there was a soothing bath, which I wouldn't be able to do if this was a work day

But it occurred to me that I simply need to avoid any double shots. Because yesterday I went to an all afternoon/night music festival, and I took one pill about 8am and the next only shortly after 11 (I was thinking that I might forget to take one that night, and that it might not be a good idea to have one after drinking a lot also, though in the end I had only one drink all day and had gallons of water), and there was no negative effect. Which means that I can easily take three in a day at different times. So even in the future I could pop one at work at lunchtime lol but I don't think there will be the need.

My body held up well yesterday which pleases me. I felt a bit tired from doing so much walking and standing up, but I don't believe that was anything different from a normal tiredness. There was nothing androcur about it.

The one thing that I still noticed was loneliness; something that surely there is no medical cure for. Despite being far more happy than sad during the day, there were still times when I longed to fall into the arms of a loved one. Late in the day I caught some rest by just sitting on the grass around some landmark trees and listening to my Ipod, and my favourite band Angels & Airwaves before I would see them again; for the second day in a row (have I mentioned that I am a lucky boy?)! It was a very anti-social thingy to do, but was totally me - I wasn't particularly interested in the other acts of the day as most were too heavy and angry. But anyway, most other people that located this almost park like area resided in groups, specifically couples. Ones that sat down alone like me (though I did go with three others and hung out with one of those for most of it) were few and far between.

There is certainly a much more powerful thingy then sex drive, or not wanting to feel abnormal, etc, as far as having soooo many people being in partnerships goes. It's a basic need for human companionship.

And in regards to sexuality, where some are straight, some are gay and some are somewhere in-between, well it mustn't just be physical differences that we are born with, but it has to be emotional too. So just as I am physically attracted to women, I also can't get the emotional 'companionship' from a man that I can from a woman. Like on Thursday night I had a wonderful companion with me in my brother, and we had some incredibly happy times (and he was nudging me in the ribs whenever I did anything too embarrassing; and I was acting rather happily silly during the gig!), but it's still not the same.

And it never can be.

I have never been a great converser with people (except in writing) and now this is perhaps even more so. Like yesterday my mate was doing a lot of his rambling lol and I just couldn't gain any interest in it. The only time that I much piped up was a bit about human relationships and so forth, which was the same with the previous night where my brother and I had some coolish chats about relationships. It was a rare time that we got a little bit deep, and I appreciate what he shared with me, and with letting me know where he is at. I kinda tried to do the same, but avoided my major topic. At least I concluded with, "I feel very happy and truly loved. I live a very meaningful existence."

Or something like that. And my brother was happy with that.

My parents (as they almost always do lol) are watching some sport, which I just ignore. It's kinda funny because there was athletics on, and 10-15 years ago I would have been all over that. And many other sports. I can't work out why I love cycling so much (especially the Tour De France) yet take basically zero interest in anything else. Maybe it's the fact that ten years ago my life was 80% about watching sport. These days my interests are love, story writing, occasionally analysing human behaviour/relationships (including myself) and cycling! Perhaps the cycling interest is there to provide a low key balance.

And balance is important. See-sees > see-saws

Something really annoying happened today. Maybe things just crop up from time to time as a challenge? Though this is not even that, since there is no challenge. It's just being kinda thrown into a no-win situation, or at least I felt that a few hours ago. I just couldn't come up with a decent response that wouldn't cause offence. But now I've settled on something that is half sufficient. I had to write something; I couldn't sleep. Hopefully I will snooze off shortly.

It's not really a big deal. I mean, a woman (and kinda a friend at that being a best mates sister) asking me to take our dogs for a walk on the beach could be innocent, only I know that humans don't often work like that (and we poked each other on facebook early last year), and regardless, I want to be walking Bellawella with my girlfriend, not a friend.

Something that men maybe have to deal with that is a little different to women is an expectation that they are always available. A woman can be seen as single and just not ready at a particular time for a relationship, but a man can't. Or maybe a man can't be seen as willing to wait for a woman, whereas a woman can. Sure, I haven't always been as patient as I might have been, but I've still been pretty good during lots of stretches. Overall, I am very proud of myself these days. I feel happy with who I am.

That's because she cleans the mud from my hair.

It would be clear to anyone who has read my writing on the EA, that I have been deeply in love with a girl ever since I joined these boards, and it's more so than ever now.

And I'm in position now to love her fully. Because I love myself. And sex can have nothing to do with it (though even if it did I won't be hating myself now - I know that it would have nothing to do with it).

The Androcur is still going well. Yesterday was my second day in a row on the 150mg, and it worked well in separation mode. Today was back to 100mg. I feel relatively tired (but am still able to walk Bella) and very much under the influence sex-drive wise of the drug. Eight days since the last masturbation is another little good streak.

Perhaps this post is just another of my freak out moments. I've certainly had them many times in the past. Perhaps I will have a few days of panic attacks, or not. Hopefully I will rise tomorrow to a calmer feeling (a calmness which by the way I have had for months now). A feeling of a cloudy comfort.

It is now two weeks since my last masturbation episode, which would take me back to February 26 if my mental arithmetic is correct. If I can hold off until Wednesday then I think that will make it my longest ever streak (since I first did the deed). It’s becoming a matter of pride. Maybe I can even go through all of March without doing it? This week has been the continual twice a day pill, with yesterday being a threesome. I was thinking of only just doing the two because I played 18 holes of golf, but then I remember that I am probably still very much on the edge of doing it, which encouraged me to take the three. Today I will do the same, as well as tomorrow. I am not too fussed now about the running out of Androcur. Just to go for as long as possible without masturbation is a good aim, and then I will arrive at the lack of pills issue when I come to it. Though I said I wouldn’t, it’s likely that I will turn to another mate to try to send the pills too, seeing as it’s unlikely I am going to be moving away from my parents in the near future.

I handled the golf reasonably well yesterday. There was slight extra tiredness and a bit of a bad back, but I would have thought that Androcur use would make it nigh on impossible to do that much walking. I seem to be dealing with it all rather well, and my personality hasn’t been effected. I still am happy and so a lot of silly humour. I am the same person around my mates as I’ve always been. There has been none of this deep depression with Androcur that I have heard quite a bit about.

This week was a massive week for me. It wasn’t a normal week. I have been unsure as to what to write about it really, though Thursday night has had me thinking about lots of different things since then. The truth is that my EA writing is really for one person, and that person is Kate. Even when unknowingly writing something for her, it still is done as such. It’s a shout out, which is likewise with this piece.

I have long been a stalker. As in that I will stalk her online. It’s been going on for over two years I guess, with tiny little bits of it scattered throughout time before then. But this week I upgraded on that. I decided to stalk her in real life. Well attempt to anyway.

What I did was attend a function that was hosted by her mother. I had no real excuse for being there, but I did it anyway. I felt compelled to do it. I felt hope that I really could meet Kate there, and that from there, anything was possible. I even reasoned that if I wasn’t met in a nice fashion then at least that would be an outcome of sorts, and I am very lucky to know that I am loved heaps anyway, and I have that to fall back on. There are many ‘delusions’ that I could discuss, but I will leave those for now. They are basically only important for what they are in my mind and in my heart.

I really went all out for this thing lol. I’d taken a ring along, which I was going to present to Kate in a non stereotypical romantic manner of, “And here is a ring you can get your hands on.” I am not totally convinced about the whole marriage thing, though I like the idea of having a celebration of our love. I could have gotten ‘married’ to others in the past, but that’s because they didn’t know everything about me, and wouldn’t be able to see not getting married as still me being a lover to them. They can’t see ‘abnormal’ things like Kate.

I got to the restaurant an hour early – very unlike me – which left time for a meaningful walk along the beach and out to the pier, whilst having Angels & Airwaves blaring of course. It is difficult to describe such excitement of feelings at these times. I could be meeting the girl of my dreams – for just the second time – any minute. And I could be the happiest boy in the world. So no, there are obviously no words to describe such feelings.

There has always been something different about me in the sense that I can take myself out of my comfort zone, and be able to deal better with that than others. And I shouldn’t really be able too, since I am not particularly social. I am really quite anti it. I am much more of a sit at the computer and write kinda guy. It is the weekend and most people would be desiring the company of others, but not me. Well I do, but only of one.

The ice-cream shop near the restaurant was closed – despite the weather being cool I wanted to have ice-cream for Kate to enjoy with me when she arrived. So what I did was wandered up the road to find ice-cream. I was going to go to another particular place a distance away, but then I saw that yellow light; Maccas lol. So I got a small chocolate sundae, and of course I asked for a second spoon.

When I returned to the restaurant area I didn’t go in immediately, even though it was about the right time to start entering. I sat down for five minutes or so and did some nom nom nomming on the ice-cream. Then after another A&A song had finished (the track of Shove) I stood up and walked in….with my sundae.

It was a very childish thing to do, but that’s what’s so amazing is I can’t control it – love. It makes me do things I never thought I could do. And I’m sure it will continue to do so.

So there I was, standing there amongst numerous ‘adults,’ with my sundae. It’s kind of a Gregory thing to do. I asked if it was okay that I have this inside, and it was fine. Though funnily, I wasn’t offered the free glass of wine. I am not sure if this was because my hands were full, or if it was because they thought I was underage lol.

Later I would take it outside to the bin before finishing it, and then I asked the waitress for my glass, which she politely bought out to me.

How does one describe the feelings that come with being in a room with the mum and dad of your dream girl? Again, it’s something that is hard to describe. I think for a lot of it I wasn’t thinking ‘too’ much about things, which can help. I never became emotional which one could expect I would. One thing that hit me about this evening is that I can still be as excited as ever for something, but when that hope isn’t realised I somehow deal with it much better. So if my excitement/happiness feelings were a 10, they probably only lowered to a 5 when I realised that Kate wasn’t there, and then they quickly rose up again. By the end of the night I wasn’t sad at all. I wasn’t about to do cartwheels either, but I had a calm happiness about me; and I think that’s because I knew that I had more lovely messages coming to me tomorrow. Because of that I can never be unhappy. It really is impossible.

Around two years ago I was much more of a yo-yo, and could be briefly kinda suicidal. That side of me seems to have totally disappeared, which is obviously a great thingy.

This style of writing is very much the rambling, diary, sometimes intense way that I so often used to write. But to bring it back for this is not necessarily bad. And the fact that I’ve written nothing about it until approximately sixty hours later is a big deal. In the past I would have been writing about this immediately after arriving home and having the opportunity to do so. That intense Greg has gone.

I was greeted almost immediately by Sharon – Kate’s mum – when I walked in. There was an instant warmth that I felt from her; not towards me or anything, but just a general warmth that she gives of as a very good human being. Though being single in a place that was all couples, friends and families, it was not possible to be uncomfortable while she was talking to me. Not that I said much of anything really, but she was just really nice. And niceness is often underrated.

It was easy to see her passion for her subject. That being the Food For Cambodia project, or the Life & Hope Association that she works alongside a charismatic monk with. I was quickly introduced to him – there were not many people here yet – and I engaged in conversation – though as always with me more listening – with he and a couple of others. I felt relatively at home in these surroundings even though I was out of my comfort zone.

So this occasion was to support people who need support, specifically Cambodians, more specifically children and in most cases girls, because like in many countries women are not given the educational opportunities that they’re male counterparts are. It was all wholesomely good stuff, and in some ways I lapped it up, and admired the work that was being done, and that had been done, for quite a number of years.

Something that I thought about a lot was that I couldn’t do this. I couldn’t put my heart and soul into something like this. How can one do this when they aren’t with their dream partner? That was what I kept asking. Maybe if one was then something like this major commitment could be possible – even then though my major other passion would be for writing lol.

But to me, it seemed like something like this could only happen once you had a fully secure and physical being together with someone relationship, or if you had nobody, but your dream partner options had dried up. For example there was a nice woman on my table who had been single for twelve years, and seemed happy in that state, but how much is that to do with the fact that the opportunity for worthwhile partners had now disappeared (therefore she could more fully focus on other less fortunate peoples needs)? It may have even been her who was talking about a sixteen year old daughter or at least relative (I was still zoning out and in a lot of the time lol) who she was frustrated at her not showing interest in this sort of ‘good’ thing and preferred to be out partying. That doesn’t mean that girl is necessarily ‘bad’. But she does probably have many ‘options’ and of course that is going to mean more to her than some starving children in Cambodia. Most of us still need to fill up our own cups first.

The Venerable Monk was a rather lovely chap with a decent sense of humour. In actual fact he is the sort of person who I should probably be interested in interviewing. He is not allowed to touch women and I don’t think that they can masturbate can they? So to ask questions about resisting sexual temptation would be interesting. And also about this doing so much good for others thing when he is not married or anything. How is he able to feel soooo spiritually fulfilled without another? And then just to be able to focus on others?

It’s an interview that could led onto anything really, such as “do you take Androcur?”

There had been 444 women that had been helped with education since the program started – or I could be wrong about that, maybe just total children in general assisted – and I smirked a lot at this simply because I love the number four, thanks to my loved one.

When I first sat down I did something rather anti-social freaky. I sat three chairs down from another group, towards the end of the long table. If I had sat where I should have then it would have been next to an attractive young girl; only about fifteen I suppose. I still can get guilty about that sort of thing, plus I was also hoping that Kate would walk in late But really, that was stupid of me, because I forget important things sometimes, and one is that all people need confidence, and with me being rather handsome, it could have been a small but important boost for this girl to have me sit with her and just chat amicably. I keep forgetting that I for soooo long believed I was ugly when I wasn’t. If people can be given some confidence then give it to them. So there was maybe an opportunity to ‘assist’ someone and I didn’t. For all I know though, she could have a boyfriend and totally love herself. But then again maybe she doesn’t.

After I’d been sitting for ten minutes or so rather alone – though maybe it just seemed that long – another woman came by and sat across from me. Well actually three people did, but the woman who sat across from me introduced herself and then after a brief pause inquired as to whether we had met before. I couldn’t put my finger on it though she did seem familiar. She asked if we had met at Sharon’s place and I was thinking, “I wish I had been to Sharon’s place” lol. Then she asked if I had ever lived on the Mornington Peninsula which I had, so I spoke of this, and then she asked for my surname which I gave her. “Balnarring Travel Shop,” she said. “You took a trip with us to Morocco.” And I remembered her then properly too. So this was a kinda nice thing to happen on the night, though I could have been thinking of this possibility, since I found out recently that Sharon works with this travel company (more bean stalking).

So from then on I was pretty comfortable at the table, and soon the travel agent came and sat beside me to makes things look more normal with the seating arrangements lol, and also because Sharon came and sat with us a couple of times, so we had her sit in the middle so everyone could hear, though unfortunately I still couldn’t mostly, though I was just two seats from her. In anycase, it was easy to tell just how much she was into it all, and so I asked her just how much estimated time did it take up out of each week. I didn’t mean it like it was a chore for her or anything, but was just interested in that kinda thing. She said she spent most of Sunday on her newsletter for it, and other times too for things. “It’s a labour of love,” she said. Which is exactly how I feel about Kate.

I don’t think that L&H association has too much stalker experience. I wasn’t probed too severely about why I was there I just casually said that I’d sponsored World Vision for years – which is true, and I’ve done it without necessarily trying to impress women, wowie – and that I was looking for other outlets or thingys to help and get involved with. But even if I do get involved with this project, and it is most definitely for good causes, well, it ain’t pure motive that’s for sure. But anyhoo, as long as I am inspired by a woman to do good things then that is not bad.

And back onto ulterior motives; there didn’t seem to be other twenty or thirty something ‘single’ guys and even girls there. Like what I mentioned earlier with the worthwhile options and generally needing to fill our own cups first. People like to say that I’ve got involved with something like this because I have matured and grown as a person, but maybe the pretty ones stopped looking at you.

I guess I can still be cynical on occasion.

The goodness of Sharon still shone through greatly. She was asked to make a brief speech – which she did with aplomb – and when she stood up she said “ta da,” like a child might. It was very smirk inducing and very Kate like.

Other Kate like things were her confidence; to be able to speak very well in front of people (though this could have been helped by many of them being close friends). Even if she wasn’t that confident, she could give off an aura that she was. And then there were her distinctive eyes and nose, which are very strong Kate features. And the smile. It’s very strong too, and comforting to be around.

And the speech from the Monk was enjoyable. Perhaps he could be described as a leader without arrogance. That may seem a contradiction, but it seems to be how he is. And his fashion sense was cool. Orange beanie = yay. And he kind of had this brown robe thingy happening, which almost had him looking giraffe like.

There isn’t too much else to talk about from the night, except that the food was good, and we got ice-cream for dessert.

So two lots of ice-cream for me J

Oh, and at the end I had a really nice chat with Kate’s dad. I forget his name just now, but actually I felt less comfortable initially then I did with her mum – I think this is the whole father-in-law thing lol. Oh yeah, it was Jeremy, and anyhoo, he chatted amicably with me as I was leaving, for maybe at least two minutes, and was great to be around. It was easy to see of how nice a man he is, and of what Sharon sees in him. They are both totally good people. I wonder what they would think of me though if they knew of my stalking activities? lol

And then I also said my goodbyes to Sharon, and as I left I wanted to give her a little hug or kiss, but didn’t (there were others chatting to her anyway, that would have been kinda funny just saying excuse me and planting one on her lol). I exited feeling ‘good’ and I didn’t shed any tears on the drive home. There were a few the next night, but all in all things are good. My next decision in the stalking sense is whether I go to the ball, which is being held on May 4. I thought during the night that I would definitely not – it’s just too uncomfortable going single – but by the end of the night I was open to it. Of course. I can’t stop dreaming. Also May 4 is an important date for me, and I’m still rather superstitious I suppose. It was initially important because of it being the birthday of my original sweetheart. Later it became the date I did my little conversion to Islam – perhaps I am still a Muslim as I’m not sure if I ever properly unconverted lol. This year will be four years since that day. And four is a special number. And without Kate, who knows where I would be today.

And just then I succombed. Just like that. Go Figure.

I feel depressed right now, most definitely, though not deeply. I am okay. It's still overall another good result. Two weeks. Now I can just aim for the next lengthy stretch.

Today I felt super dooper tired - I was almost napping in the mid afternoon. But sex drive doesn't care whether I am tired or not. It is its own animal. One thing I did feel earlier today was a little morose. Even though I did not have to work and I have a book to work on, that's how I felt. Tomorrow I will be seeing some sand sculptures in my second home with my parents. It's the kind of thing I wouldn't usually be too keen on; I'd rather stay home and write. But this weekend seems to be a bit of a write-off, so I will try to appreciate and be happy during this trip and enjoy the artistry at hand.

Life is full of small setbacks. This is just one of them. No biggie.

I wish to clarify something.

All that Kate, Kate, Kate stuff was a little much yesterday. Not because I don't love Kate. Not because I care about coming across as being particularly sane (anyone who reads my biography will understand otherwise).

It's because Kate is not my girlfriend.

Well in official terms I do not have one anyway, but in my mind and heart I do.

And her name is S.

The confusion to readers (well actually I hope there is never more than one lol) concerns the fact that I've had this stomach feeling that S is Kate, but it's really not that important who she is quite frankly. Because S loves me in ways that nobody else has before. That doesn't mean it's more than, but what is so absolutely ridiculously awesomey incredible about her is that she never even has 1% of fear that she might come across as too needy/desperate, and so she gives me everything.

And vice versa.

Because this is not normal in human relationships. We hold back because we fear that if we love too much we will get trampled on (this fear is not totally irrelevant - I did this to my second normal girlfriend). Yet S loves me without fear, and with total trust, and thanks a great deal to all of this, we are working. Somehow.

So who is S?

I was thinking to hold off on these revelations until at least March 28, for then I could say, "Oh come on, it's not like she's fourteen or anything." She is fourteen :-)

She is also from Germany, which to me is basically on the other side of the world. She is the one who I am writing a book with. She also is doing the pictures for it. She does the most amazing drawings, and not just for the book. After 'stalking' me on Facebook, she did a portrait of a photo of my dog and I. It's clearly one of the most heart-rending thingys that anyone has ever done for me.

But then again she does HR stuff on a practically daily basis.

So why the stomach feeling that she has anything to do with Kate then?

I don't jot down my delusions these days lol, and really there isn't much of anything. They are both great drawers. Other than that I'm kinda clutching at straws. Well, S stalks me regularly (online, not physically like with me going to Food For Cambodia benefits lol), yet she has never mentioned the EA (and when googling 'gregrowlerson' it does come up), but talks of everything else I frequent. And she has read some of my biography, but has never once asked about who this girl is? etc, and logically that's what a fourteen year old who loves you to bits would do - get a bit jealous - when your autobiography speaks so much about women. Also, she doesn't get offended by sex. I have written a tennis story which metaphorically spoke negatively about sex and she loved it. Anyhoo, I must say that my stomach feelings still tell me that this is Kate. But I've often thought about S being her own person, and I love her soooo much that I don't care who she is - I just want to see her one day. When I write to her I usually see her as this teenager, but just with these stomach feelings about Kate, and so I will write to her with our thingys, but then also throw the occasional (alright then, it's often been a little more than occasional) Kate thing into the mix. This is not wrong in anycase, for in any circumstance our past is going to shape what we do in the present. Even with my third normal girlfriend I threw myself into much of that with creative writing, though she hadn't led to that; it was the past that made that possible.

As it does this. I see S as being soooo incredible that she is the sort of person who can look at my past and be proud and happy of it - that the loves that I've had in my life have enabled me to become the boy that she loves today, and if I'd never had any of those, then I wouldn't be the Loveable Leopard that writes to her daily now.

I am writing this on the oft chance that she ever saw my other posts on here. Because without this particular post her heart might break, and as a result mine definitely would too.

If I had to choose between S and Kate then I would choose S. And we would go off and be ridiculously happy and childish. I am leaning against going to the ball on May 4 - besides, magical things tend not to happen when you hope they will. They seem to occur unexpectantly. Nevertheless, I do intend on trying to see S at years end. I am a crazy cookie coconut boy.

I am her Captain :-)

Who she adores. Which to some is kinda like thinking of them as heroic.

I have thought of the stereotypical 'unrealisticness' of trying for a relationship with someone who is so much younger, but I would do my best to make it work. I was giggling a little today at the fact that my last girlfriend was still nineteen when I turned thirty, so it's really not too much of a difference to that But hypothetically I would be thirty-four when she is eighteen, and could first I suppose have an 'official' relationship. Which would mean the next three Xmas' also being single.

Officially.

If I could see her before then, then that would make such an overall wait heaps easier, but we will discuss this later in the year. We talk heaps about the places we could meet each other one day :-)

It's soooo wonderful to have this common interest of writing (alas she will have to do her drawings soley lol), and book writing had been a vital ingredient in my life which had disappeared. The motivation for it had gone.

But S has bought it back.

So thank-you heaps my love, always, for approaching me.

Oh yes indeedy. XoxoxoxoxoxO

Some failures this week on the whole masturbation front.

I did so on Thursday night, not ejaculating, but I'd gone way too far with it anyway, and as I lay in bed many minutes later I simply started to have numerous 'leaks' throughout the night. So the next morning, still not feeling particularly 'eunuch' I decided to finish the job. Sometimes it's better just to clear out what I can when I'm feeling like that.

Still, I've done the deed again today, but I'm positive that it's just a passing phase. The penis is an extremely determined beast of course, and it is unpredictable. It ain't just going to lay down; it was sort of created to try to rule me. But all the signs remain good. I don't believe that I can get as large/full an erection now as before, and certainly any sexual performance would be horrendous - I doubt I'd last any longer than one minute in any mashed potato lol.

It probably wasn't until a few days ago that I recognised the significance of my new state of mind and actions in regards to the request for a "doggy date." There was never even a 1% thought of trying to go on this, and of trying to get sex. Last year, I was completely the opposite. She could have asked of this at basically anytime and I would have tried to go on such a date, even behind whoever my girlfriend was' back. I don't even think I explained of all my bad behaviours last year. Like even with my final girlfriend in 2011 I tried to give my number out to a bakery girl and to a waitress (I was actually a little bemused that they weren't interested lol), and was minorly trying to hit on one of her best friends (I even went over to her place at a later date to try for it but she wasn't home) with more stupid feet to feet action under the table when we were over there for dinner one night (and she liked me; she wanted me to come back at a later date to change the clothes after she washed it - I'd spilt something on a shirt and changed into her boyfriends, this was not intended: my non ignorant girlfriend was having none of that and we made the exchange that night, and there were no other dinner dates at that place lol).

Basically I hated the situation that I found myself in, and so was going to fuck around as much as possible. I think with my first relationship things were a little different; I really wanted to experience a normal relationship; the sex drive just gave it all the potential to get me into a lot of trouble, and when I entered it I didn't really want anything serious (by the way, a non serious relationship is not possible for me and a woman - women look at me and don't think, oooh I'd love to take him home for a shag, but rather, oooh he is so handsome and nice looking, I'd like to take him home to mum - and with all of that would come the sex - if he makes me believe that I can have him. This would explain my 'only' 3 sexual experiences without directly paying for it despite being handsome and quite frankly being willing to go for it during those nine months or so with any girl who gave the green light). The later two relationships were just born purely out of sex - if I'd been given access to Androcur earlier than none of this would have happened.

So it's a big deal that there was zero temptation with the doggy date. Even though I am still masturbating on occasion I am definitely feeling more eunuchy, and knowing that my sexual performance would be horrible helps too. It's made me think (though I may have mentioned this before) that Androcur would be perfect for many men if it didn't cause long term effects to sexual performance (most men do base their happiness on their sex life, that's fine, that's their choice), because it makes us like women. Seriously it does. Because it makes us only interested in hanging out with another in a possible relationship situation if we see ourselves as possibly spending our lives with them (or wish to do so). So like with me, I am handsome, but if a girl believes she can't have me than it's pointless to her to see me, whereas a guy will still want to see a girl in the same circumstances simply due to sex. But with the positive effects of Androcur, I am able to make relationship decisions in the manner that a woman might. Kind of in the manner that I used to do sometimes in the past, decisions based on principles, or commonsense (though at least Morocco is notwithstanding lol). So that would even be not seeing someone who I really wanted to see, because I knew that the sex factor from my perspective would be too great.

And such principles have worked out wonderfully well for the long term.

I am really a happy happy happy happy boy, and just now I know that I have a great night ahead of me. I definitely have my system cleared out, and am keen as mustard (not sure what is so keen about that by the way) for more interaction with my dream girl. I am soooooooo lucky. For last night I had the first real direct interaction with a dream girl for approximately three years. And I have learned a lot in three years; this has been strangely helped by the fact that I haven't had this ridiculously awesome super dooper direct conversation again until now. But I really wish for this again tonight. For more unbelievable happiness. Maybe sometimes I don't deserve it, but I make her joyously happy too.

And she deserves all my love always.

I have changed my tack on the plan of attack to get the next batch of pills.

I was going to go with one mate, but now I'm thinking of another. One who tends to never ask questions. This is what I may send him, possibly tomorrow night.

Hi Mate,

Just wanting to ask you for a little favour. I’ve often got these little headaches that I’ve never told you about – well, it ain’t the biggest of deals. But I’ve been taking medication to remove them, and it seems to do the trick (it’s a regular taking of low strength pills, like swallowing tic tacs lol). The only thing is that it’s quite expensive to buy it when I go through the doctors, and I can get the medication online much cheaper. I was wondering if I could get it posted to your place rather than mine? This is because my parents worry about me with anything to do with health, so I’d just rather do my own thing without their needless concern.

If this is any problem for you then that’s fine mate.

I am trying to remove my little life headache (no masturbating since last Saturday, though I did look at girls on youtube for a time last evening: I've taken three pills a day now for six days straight, and am feeling pretty healthy). Though it's bigger than a little favour.

He will be reimbursed if he allows this.

If that fails I will try the other mate and if that fails I would have to try my parents again. There wouuld be no other choice. I would just have to face the music.

And ask them to trust me.