Hi everyone.
Today, my biopsy is scheduled. Not much of an event... Even though my urologist told me he'd make the max not to have to plan another surgery.
I'm facing the unknown. Will he find enough to have my balls removed? will he find another solution? It's like a lottery .
Hope I have the good number.
I'll have to wait till I wake up to have the answer. It's a bit strange.
I'll keep you informed.
Not only because I found a real community here. I read a lot, as everyone do, found answers, testimonies, all of first quality, but also because I have to write what I live for my peace of mind.

Yesterday night, don't know why, but i felt horny. Thought this was all over, but my mind don't seem to agree.
The fact is that I then tried to satisfy that urge, and no possibility to get hard. Great disappointment. Finally, the envy disappeared and everything came back to normal.
Am I now impotent? don't think so because I always have nocturnal erections from time to time. So what happened? I don't have the answer by now.
All I can say is that I was frustrated but it didn't worry me very long.
I had to share this. So if you ever lived the same, tell me.
Pirlouit
:idea:

I finally achieved my goal to take back control over my sexuality. Still want to satisfy my partner, but no urge to satisfy myself. I'm now in peace with that. I don't suffer much from my low testosterone level. I thought it would be more difficult.
I can say I feel fine and calm, ...
Don't need anymore to search for porn, I can concentrate on much more important things. I think I'm a better man now.
My next step will be to see if I need my testes removed. I'm not in hurry for that, but I don't want to play with my health. As they have become useless, they are annoying. Always at the wrong place at the wrong time. The right one was the hardest to kill. May be it'll need a last injection in a while. It's still sensitive, even if hard as rock.
I now only put women underwear's, as my genitals are and always have been extra small, it fits my anatomy much better, and sometime my wife chooses it for me. That's nice.
I'll keep you informed.

With help of internet translators and some corrections, here is the translation of the french text above. All my apologies for all the mistakes that remain. Any corrections welcome.


Let me first specify what led me to integrate EA. I think that my profile corresponds to many people here, and it is undoubtedly reassuring. My relation to sexuality has always been trouble complicated. It appeared to me as a not controlled thing which fell on me too early taking into consideration my maturity. Early, I adopted an attitude of rejection in regard of my sexual urges. This sex which came hard when I did not want, who directed my thoughts,… I masturbated more than of reason during my puberty, seeking calm that followed the orgasm. Even if this calm didn't last.
On a regular basis, I masturbated 5 to 6 times a day.
I already played with needles in my foreskin, subject to uncontrollable pulses.
The momentary difficulties of my life were as many stages leading to sexual self-punishments. Finally, I made unconsciously my sex responsible for what arrived to me. Thus, I mutilated myself the genitals during these various problematic stages. (including a self-circumcision, genital piercings, subincision, attempt a rerouting of the urethra, testicular torture…) I discovered BME and I published many photographs there during that time. I realized that I was not isolated, and that this "malaise" in me was shared by others.*
Having had 4 children with my tender wife, I underwent a vasectomy at age 30. I thought it might fix my problem. In fact that did not change anything in my libido, to the great despair of my partner and mine.
I continued my search of identity, telling me that I was perhaps not as straight as I thought. I tested the gay relationship, but in I did not fit that identity, beyond the sexual character. I also tested the female hormones, considering the fascination that female chest and sensitivity exerted on me. Until recently, I thought i could be myself well with a chest, a sexual form to be between the man and the woman. The transsexuals have always fascinated me.
I then followed with interest some cases on BME which lead to castration. For me castration was reserved for ancient harems, for fetishism or for transgenders.
At that time, I discovered EA.
I read many forums without being active for some time and then on reflection, I realized that perhaps it was the solution that suited my problems.*I thus began a cure of androcur. Admittedly That alleviated my pulsionsproof, but that left me with deep depression.*
I finally discovered that alcohol injections lead to castration. My goal is to reduce my libido to be able to take back control of it. I thus confined myself with 80 proof alcohol (40°), but found that my desires and impulses were always there, and that I could not always assume them. So an additional frustration. I think that the damage caused to the testicles being irreversible, it is necessary to finish the process, and to possibly take a hormonal replacement therapy to thwart the effects of the osteoporosis.*It took me more than 25 years to realize that it was this libido which was the problem, and that if I did not control it, I would always be unsatisfied.
I must specify that my wife having undergone a hysterectomy, her libido, which was not quite large fell to zero, and thus if mine decreased, it is always far beyond her's.*
Consequently, I went on alcohol injections again with the aim to succeed in eradicating the source of my worries. I currently proceed with 188proof alcohol (94°), by small amounts of 1/2cc in each testicle. To date I didn't have any unpleasant side-effect. My testicles and my sex were never big or large, and that would go rather unnoticed if they straightforwardly disappeared.
Pirlouit

Dans un premier temps, je me dois de préciser ce qui m'a amené à intégrer EA.
Je pense que mon profil correspond à beaucoup de monde ici, et c'est sans doute rassurant.
J'ai toujours eu beaucoup de mal à avoir une relation simple face à la sexualité. Elle m'est apparue comme une chose non maitrisée qui me tombait dessus trop tôt au regard de ma maturité.
J'ai très tôt eu une attitude de rejet face à mes pulsions sexuelles. Ce sexe qui grossissait quand je ne voulais pas, qui dirigeait mes pensées, ... je me suis masturbé plus que de raison à l'adolescence, recherchant le calme qui suivait l'orgasme. Même si ce calme ne durait pas très longtemps. Il m'arrivait de devoir me "satisfaire" 5 à 6 fois sur une même journée.
Je jouais déjà à mettre des aiguilles dans mon prépuce, soumis à des pulsions incontrôlables.
Les difficultés passagères de ma vie ont été autant d'étapes menant à des auto-punitions sexuelles. Finalement, je rendais inconsciemment mon sexe responsable de ce qui m'arrivait. Ainsi, je me suis mutilé les organes génitaux à ces différentes étapes problématiques. (entre autres auto circoncision, piercings génitaux, subincision, tentative de reroutage de l'urètre, torture des testicules ...) J'ai découvert BME et j'y ai publié pas mal de photos durant ce parcours. J'ai ainsi pu me rendre compte que je n'étais pas isolé, et que ce mal-être qui m'habitait était partagé par d'autres.
Ayant eu 4 enfants avec ma tendre épouse, j'ai subi une vasectomie à 30 ans. Je pensais que cela pourrait arranger mon problème. En fait cela n'a rien changé du tout au niveau de ma libido, au grand désespoir de ma compagne et du mien.
J'ai poursuivi mes recherches d'identité, me disant que je n'étais peut-être pas aussi hétéro que je pensais. J'ai essayé la relation gay, mais dans je ne correspondais pas à cette identité, au delà du caractère sexuel. J'ai aussi essayé les hormones féminines, vu la fascination qu'ont toujours exercé sur moi la poitrine et la sensibilité féminines. Je me voyais bien jusque récemment avec de la poitrine, une forme sexuée d'être entre l'homme et la femme. Les transexuels m'ont toujours fasciné.
J'ai ensuite suivi avec intérêt certains cas sur BME qui finissaient par la castration. Pour moi, à l'époque, c'était réservé au passé des harems voire aux transgenres.
C'est à cette époque que j'ai découvert EA.
J'ai suivi certains forums sans y être actif pendant quelque temps puis la réflexion faite, j'ai compris que c'était peut-être LA solution qui convenait à mes problèmes.
J'ai donc commencé une cure d'androcur. Certes Cela apaisait mes pulsionsproof, mais cela me laissa avec une profonde déprime.
J'ai finalement découvert les injections d'alcool qui mènent à une castration. Ma réflexion est que je voulais réduire les effets de ma libido pour pouvoir en reprendre le contrôle. Je me suis donc cantonné à de l'alcool à 40° (80 proof), pour ensuite constater que mes envies et pulsions étaient toujours là, mais que je ne pouvais pas toujours les assumer. D'où une frustration supplémentaire. Je me dis que les dommages causés aux testicules étant irréversibles, il faut aller jusqu'au bout du processus, et éventuellement prendre une thérapie hormonale de substitution pour contrecarrer les effets de l'ostéoporose.
Il m'aura fallu plus de 25 ans pour réaliser que c'était cette libido qui était le problème, et que si je ne la maîtrisais pas, je serais toujours insatisfait.
Je dois préciser que ma femme ayant subi une hystérectomie, sa libido, qui n'était pas bien grande est tombée à quasi zéro, et que donc si la mienne a diminué, elle est toujours bien au delà de la sienne.
En conséquence, j'ai repris les injections d'alcool avec pour but d'arriver à éradiquer la source de mes soucis. Je procède actuellement avec de l'alcool à 94° (188proof), par petites doses d'1/2cc dans chaque testicule. Je n'ai à ce jour eu aucun effet secondaire désagréable. Mes testicules et mon sexe n'ont jamais été gros ou grands, et cela passerait plutôt inaperçu si on ne les voyait carrément plus.
Pirlouit