This morning I watched a truly brilliant film. Or actually I finished it. I paused it about a third of the way through last night, even though by then I was well 'into it', due to general tiredness. Plus I needed to stop checking hotmail and facebook.

ADN is a French film. The odds of me ever seeing it were hugely against. I only got it as a part of a four dvd collection which included an Audrey Tatou film. It was cheap, so I thought that trying out the four films was worth it.

Bloody oath it was.

The first 10-15 minutes were quite boring. But after that it grew on me, and it just continually got better and better. It's a story of magic, love and family. It's a wonderous piece of cinema.

There is no doubt that it helps our interest if we can see ourselves through a character, or see a loved one through them. In this case the main character of the movie (not the one we are initially introduced to) had similarities to her, despite being male. He was a marvellous drawer, and he had wisdom beyond his years. And with that wisdom, and general kindness that he had in spades, he was able to lift the spirits a little of his mother and younger sister. His father would be more difficult.

I will say no more, so as not to spoil it.

Except that, you really should draw a picture in class of your dream school boy...and get caught :-)

Yesterday afternoon I did it. I went all out. There were no hesitations, no maybe's about my interest and commitment levels. I've attempted to slam dunk her with some poetry.

Getting close to three quarters of a day on, and there has been no response. It wouldn't surprise me if there never is. Often when I write something profound there isn't. And in this case there are many complications which would make me understand. I don't love her like that.

And she knows it.

But I also believe that I can be her perfect man, and additional parent.

And maybe she believes that too.

I am well equiped to be a prince to her. The only area of concern is the downstairs department. I may not be able to get that working as I used to. I still believe that it's morally right for me to be without my sex drive, as with it I can't love as purely as my woman deserves. But though it may be moral, it's not a logical love, and there are only two women who I know that I would wish to love that way anyhoo.

Sometimes though, I funnily wish that I lived in another country - nowhere in particular - because Australian women really don't like me; or they are just the hardest to impress. There is something about me which just turns them off. A strange thing in my life is that I have created more of a buzz from foreign women than I have from Australians; that despite spending 99% of my time here.

Yesterday I was really ready to send the poem; well, perhaps after some amendments. The original had been written in October, but I am not sure of what I want now, and she hasn't said anything positive to me in ages, so it just sat there. That's good though, because I removed some of the harshness of it, given that it was - and still kinda is - a come on, what the fuck are you waiting for? type of poem. So there is some frustration there from me. That if I really am handsome and somewhat desirable - as my therapist continually insisted - then why can't I land a somewhat worthwhile aussie girl?

Yes I know, I don't play the game very well. Writing a biography to try and win my imagined dream girl. Telling many of my deep love for my real dream girl. That stuff is kinda breaking the rules. It means that a new girlfriend has to be willing to turn a blind eye. But aren't I worth that?

Yesterday I had my round of golf with friends. Halfway through the nine I was already looking forward to getting home and working out what I was going to send and send it. But then it was was revealed that we were playing eighteen; I really thought it was just nine. This bought much humour from the boys, because it's well known anyhoo that I dislike playing eighteen holes. 4-5 hours spent on golf? Come on, that's wasting life, right? ;)

I had even joked about the extravagant price of the round, not realising that we had actually paid for 18!

So the round was basically spent half thinking about other things (checking hotmail a couple of times for emails, another sign that it really is best that I get a woman) and laughing with the boys. And there were some very funny moments. Those three are good company, and my only real boy friends (unless you also count my brother plus a member of the EA), but I just care more about deeper stuff; always trying for love, wanting terrific online interaction, writing my book, writing vignette's like this...and so forth.

I can see that the other three genuinely love the golf as an escape from their normal lives, more than I do. I am different.

Still, I created as much fun as anyone. I still like to see myself as half female I guess, and I am very good at self parody, so whilst discussing my severe lack of hitting distance I said, "in golf terms I have a three inch penis". This rather took them aback, though they also found it hilarious. Earlier I had stumbled on a wonderful simile. That perhaps I was female, because men have their wood and women need their iron. I never use drivers and woods and always just tee off with a one iron, cause I can't hit properly with the 'male' clubs. Anyhoo, they all thought this a very clever and funny analysis, as of course it was.

So I began calling myself Annika, as in Sorensam, and Damien came up with the line, "that's an LPGA classic," after one of my nice straight drives.

Sexual humour has always been big with me, for sex is a very funny subject, in so many ways. My profficiency for straight driving was becoming a topic of conversation, and so I proposed the possibility of marrying my one iron. To which Brett replied, "But where would you put 'it'? I think it would be giving it to you!" Well, boys will be boys.

I have just realised that this is the perfect forum for me to write like this. She can read it if she likes, and I do not really care for anyone else reading it. I am confident that nobody else will find it. Lovelableleopardy is really the perfect disguise. A future girlfriend won't find out, for it really is deeply hidden, like a leopard. Well then how did she find it? Because she loves me hippo heapsY. Even if saying so makes it less so, it's what I believe.

I am not sure if I mentioned it on here or to a friend, but during some sad times for me around the break up stage, I made mentions of the uniqueness of our love, of how special it was of how much she loved me, and of how much she allowed me to love her. Part of this was to do with the age; a perfect balance of being able to feel great love for me, but not really having had the 'blues' take over. As a result, even if the blues shut everyone out, what would be left behind that wall? A little piece of me.

We will always be important to each other.

What's probably of most importance is not who ends up together, but of who resides in your heart, and of where your own one calls home.

On the 21st I took another step forward. I journeyed back to where so much began; back to The Bay. Six years. It's a long time.

I didn't really think she'd be there, but still I went. It was something that I needed to get out of my system. I had just the one drink there, and for the forty-five minute stay I mostly looked back on recent emails to and from her. It was the perfect way of highlighting my progression from an imagined dream love, to a real dream love.

"Oh my goodness! You have had some glazing done to your eyes?"

"Oh yes indeedy."

"It looks thick. Very protective. Not just single glaze. Double hey?"

"I am triple glazing actually."

"Triple! But whatever for?"

"Some things should stay the same."

"You mean your body?"

"No. Not really."

"Your heart?"

"Especially my heart."

During it’s early years this Kawasaki would endure a couple of incidents of pain. Firstly, he had the thingy that connects to the rear wheel – sorry, I ain’t big on motorcycle knowledge – severely twisted. Secondly he had his front light scratched. The latter scar still remains.

This was one Kawasaki that was a little different to the rest. Most shed their baby wheels after a few years, but not this bike. His originals remained for so long that he gave his wheels names. That's how attached he'd become when it was finally time for them to be traded in. This Kawasaki had already established his own identity by the time of this switch.

And what were their names? Sherry and Terry.

It would be fair to say that their late departure gave this Kaw a lot of teething problems. He was ridiculed constantly by the other bikes, simply for being different. It was the perfect example of how, often, life can be unfair.

If you were to begin your bike life from the get go, then I would advise that you don't have a kaw man. But if you do, and you make it through to the other side, then you will shine brighter than all of that other steel on the road.

This bike boy was a fighter; a true Japanese ninja. And he would tell the truth. Hence, he was more real than any other out there. It were his haters who had the syndrome.

Coach loveableleopardy was rather joyful. For he had stumbled upon a wonder pup.

Carla ‘The Wella’ Maree was the queen of the backboards. She cleaned the glass with total regularity and aplomb. The coach was in desperate need for her. Lately the losses had been mounting, but now he was posting some wins once more.

The Wella was the best at her craft since Dennis ‘The Worm’ Rodman had dominated at both ends of the court for the bad boy Pistons, Spurs and Bulls. We could say that he was a part of a motorcycle gang, given the constant working over that their forms of transport got, the bullying nature of their personality, and the extra spur that this gave to some in the fight for goodness.

Because badness can make us feel like ghosts sometimes, but when we are down, we might just decide to stand up and growl.

We could say that Rodman was the gangs arrogant bike itself…and that Maree was a much nicer model.

Nevertheless, The Worm was indeed a wonderful book end.

And in this case loveableleopardy had been very well read.

One of the great conundrums in life - as far as risk vs. reward goes - is the cookie dunk. The greater the dunk the more delicious everything tastes for the cookie. But there raises the risk of a break up and a fall, into the cup.

Which can leave everyone concerned feeling like quite a mug.

Anyhoo, this particular cookie cookie was enjoying life in all its scrumdidillyumptiousness. And he just kept risking his head, pushing deeper and deeper into the murky waters. He had never gone soooo deep before. So what happened was actually inevitable.

But even as he sank at the bottom, wallowing in the blackest coffee that you've ever seen, he still managed a smirk.

Because he knew that this coffee had been well worth it.

And it hadn't stopped beating at all.

The cookie cookie became a black whale, but one who would always be really happy.

Because like an elephant he would always remember….just how delicious those dunks were.

Nom nom nom.

Lt Kaffee: At the time of the controversial anti Muhammad movie release, did you give any orders to your fellow Muslims?

Mufti Jessep: Only that as always, that they were to submit to the will of Allah, and His will alone.

LK: But you stand by the actions of your fellow rioting Muslims, correct?

MJ: Absolutely.

LK: Why?

MJ: Muslims cannot stand by and accept any negativity being directed towards the prophet. The prophet is not to be laughed at, under any circumstances. Are we clear?

LK: Yes sir.

MJ: Are we clear?!

LK: Crystal. Mufti, I wish to inform you that I am an avid reader of the Quran. Am I right to assume that you are the same?

MJ: Yes of course. Don’t be so ridiculous.

LK: Oh I’m not being ridiculous Mufti. I’m being deadly serious. Your Honour, I’d like to provide the ayahs of blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah and blah as evidence.

Judge: Declarations that anyone with no faith of an Abrahamic religion is certain of burning in hell?

LK: Yes that’s right. I’d like them to be considered as proof that what the movie makers did was undeniably wrong.

Judge: Lieutenant I don’t understand. You’re making a case against yourself?

LK: Just trying to see things from the true Muslim perspective Your Honour.

Judge: You’d better get to a point soon Lieutenant.

LK: That I will sir.





LK: Any chance that your boys ignored the Quran?

MJ: Ignored the Quran?

LK: Yeah, any chance that they took matters into their own hands?

MJ: Have you ever been a true Muslim?

LK: No sir.

MJ: Have you ever put your life in the hands of Allah and asked Him to take care of you?

LK: No sir.

MJ: We submit to Allah son. We submit to Allah, or Islam dies. It’s that simple.

LK: And what of Allah himself? Any chance that he could have reread his literature and since decided that the old man is wrong? Therefore potentially let the movie makers off with just a warning?

MJ: Not a chance. The Quran is word perfect and is itself a warning. It is a warning to believe or to perish. Any true Muslim knows that.

LK: And just to clarify, but you believe Allah to be all powerful and all knowing? It seems ridiculous to ask; He must mention it a dozen times in His great book, but I just need clarification from you – a true Muslim – to make my point.

MJ: That you need clarification of those truths saddens me deeply. Of course Allah is all powerful and all knowing.

LK: So He would know about the making of this anti Muhammad movie then?

MJ: Yes. Your Honour, am I really required to answer these questions?

Judge: Lieutenant, if you aren’t going to get to a point with this line of questioning then I think it’s time that the Mufti be allowed to leave. And if you do wish to question him further and more directly then let me remind you that he has an impeccable record, and any claims made without evidence could lead to severe reprimands on your position in the court. Do you wish to continue?

MJ: Well? Are we done?

Judge: Lieutenant?

MJ: Thanks for the chat Kaffee. I love Sydney.

LK: I’m not done.

MJ: Excuse me?

LK: I’m not through with my line of questioning. Sit down.

MJ: What are you going to ask me now? My favourite colour?

LK: So with Allah, how modern is He? Like, is He all up to date with the online stuff? I am just wanting to be absolutely certain that He knows what the movie makers are up to.

Judge: I believe we have covered this Kaffee! Quit wasting this courts time and get to a point!

LK: Okay then Mr Mufti, tell us of this jihad piece in the Quran. It’s been given as reason by some terrorists; justification if you will, for physical violent attacks on non Muslims. But this ayah means nothing of the sort. True?

MJ: Very right son. Jihad is the personal fight, the internal struggle between good and evil. All humans – even Muslims – face this same battle with self.

LK: And it is only by placing our faith and love in the one and only Allah that this battle can potentially be won?

MJ: Yes, that’s correct.

LK: Submission of your own will. That is the key right?

MJ: Spot on my son. We need Allah to guide us, to show us the right way.

LK: So this is a problem with Atheism then? That an Atheist has nobody to give them guidance. Therefore a world of Atheism would thus be a world of anarchy?

MJ: I am most surprised to be hearing this from you Lieutenant, though pleasantly so. I couldn’t have put it better myself. We need an all powerful Allah to take matters into His own hands for us. We are sinful humans. Hardly equipped to make decisions for ourselves.

LK: And Allah can of course take matters into his own hands with matters concerning Muhammad?

MJ: Yes of course.

LK: There is a Day Of Judgement I believe, where Allah will personally cast judgement on all humans, and rewards or punishments will be given out to each individual. Are you able to clarify this for the court?

MJ: The Day Of Judgement is coming. Nobody can escape it.

LK: So Allah will eventually ensure that everyone gets their just desserts, so to speak?

MJ: Exactly.

LK: So here’s the thing Mufti. If Allah has provided us with proof that He will justly decide each of our fates, and that Islam is at its core, the submission of ones will to Allah, and that you yourself confirmed to them that they must only be submissive, then why the need for Muslims to riot? Why this outcome? Why the need for them to take matters into their own hands?

MJ: You snotty little bastard.

LK: From the evidence I’ve gathered, a true Muslim, being as humble and serving to Allah as they are, would never take matters into their own hands like we have seen recently. That could only be the result of a lack of belief in Allah, or in the power of Allah. And a lack of belief in Allah is totally unislamic.

The Boy stood outside a deep, dark cellar. The entrance to it was automated, and so all one had to do was give their correct code, in order to gain access to whatever book projects existed as possibilities. All that The Boy muttered was, "I want what I can have". Satisfied that The Boy knew what he was in for, the double doors invitingly opened, and a warm breeze washed against his face. He felt calm and excited at the same time.

For him, there were possibilities. Most definitely. Though he didn't take notice of them all. Initially he spotted the vampire project. It was highly seductive, but The Boy didn't see anything deeper worth delving into. He didn't particularly want to write that book. It was a strange scenario, for right by the vampire was another boy. He held out his heart, even though it appeared that most of the blood had gone. The Boy remembered that the last time he had been to this cellar the same boy was there. He was always there. Waiting. After looking at him he looked the vampire square in the eyes. "Why don't you want something that you can have?" he demanded to know. "That's rather hypocritical coming from you," the vampire immediately shot back. The Boy simply walked away, not quite understanding. Even more confusing were the calls that came from the vampire as he left. "I will always wish to write with you."

"That project isn't even a writer," The Boy thought. He didn't know what to think.

The next project that he took note of was one that he always took note of. Really, it was the project that he'd long wished would take him on. It was the giraffe project. Full of truths. Full of deep wisdom. And also full of love. The giraffe was asleep and the sign wait & hope remained. And he always should wait. It would be totally wrong of The Boy to do anything else. But it wasn't natural for he to wait, especially when there was another worthwhile project calling for him.

And one day it did. It was the childishness project. The Boy was swept up in its love and positiveness, much quicker than he could have ever imagined. Later the giraffe woke up and stretched out it's heavenly neck. The Boy looked across - well he always would - but still he confirmed to the childishness project that it was now the one for him. It seemed inevitable that they would tie the knot.

So to speak.

But then came a but.

"But Beautiful Boy," the childishness project whispered. "There is an issue with commiting to me that you may not have considered."

"What's that exactly?" answered The Boy without any apparent concern.

"Well, if you should commit to a project that loves you as deeply as I do, then this project is it. There will be no more books ever. There will be no more writing challenges."

It's fair to say that The Boy was a little distraught.

"But who in their right mind would commit to something if it meant that their motivations for something of such grand importance as writing disappeared?"

"Exactly."

"I would have to be crazy to commit myself to something if it meant that I had no more obvious life challenges. What would be the point?"

"Exactly," repeated the childishness project. "You can repeat that if you like."

"I mean," The Boy continued, "it's only natural for us to desire future challenges in life. We should always strive for fullfilment, but what if we achieve that? What then?"

"Exactly." At this moment the childishness project shed a tear. Though it quickly did its best to cover that up. This was no problem, as The Boy was looking back in the direction of the giraffe project.

"So what of the giraffe project then? Can I still write with it if we committed together."

The childishness project giggled before exploding into raucus laughter.

"That would be the most impossible thing ever!"

"But why does the vampire project say that we could?" asked The Boy.

"Oh deary me," replied the childishness project. "Perhaps you should look in the mirror from time to time."

And that was that really. The Boy exited the cellar, though as he did so a different feeling came over it. He didn't feel like a man at all. Well he didn't exactly feel like a woman either, but kind of an in-between. And now, to his surprise, the automated entrance computer spoke to him.

"How was that?" it asked. "Did you select a project this time?"

"No. Not at all. Perhaps in life it is best to commit to a range of short story projects rather than just one big book one. Maybe that's the only way to keep everyone's creative juices flowing."

"So those book projects don't interest you no more?"

"I didn't say that," The Boy shot back, while beaming a brilliant smile. "For starters, I always wish to work with the giraffe in some capacity, regardless of what capacity that is. My life would not be the same without it."

And as he walked away he continued to smile.

Now was the time to check his phone. His girlfriend still wasn't conversing with him. It was more than a week now. He felt a little sad, but not too bad. For it would all make perfect sense.

It was only natural.

In this case the cons win out.

So later this afternoon, when I travel to my parents place, I will take with me my broadband internet laptop connection and leave it there. To stop me from using it like I had done for the first three months or so at this unit.

Because I don't have quite a good enough life balance with it.

The internet is great. Actually I love it. And the last couple of days have been especially good. When I've been good.

But I know that that evil can be lurking right around that next corner.

I try not to kid myself as to how much porn rules me.

And it rules me heaps.

When I'm into it I become a zombie. Never is Bella more distressed. She gets slightly disgruntled if I am focusing on a forum, or heavily writing or deeply reading, but it's only a slight annoyance at my not paying her enough attention. Often she will eventually snooze quite comfortably, right by my side. Whereas with porn, she can tell my distress. She knows that I am not myself. And so sometimes she really tries to stop me. Pets can have a very good understanding of us I believe.

It's not just the porn thing. Too much laptop time is a little unhealthy, and even today when I got a migraine I wondered if I should look into getting glasses (this idea I don't mind, besides to look less attractive is strangely good lol), as what will my eyes be like when I'm 40 if I don't?

Glasses and Beach have been two themes of today. With the sun out I've even gone outside and enjoyed some UV rays with Bella from time to time. And this is so refreshing. It helped to remove the headache, blurred vision, and then I could write what I was soooo keen to write, and what I am so proud of having written.

Last summer I enjoyed the beach a number of times. It was a joyous thing largely ignored in my life. So this summer I hope to return there a number of times again. Playing on the sand and in the water is tough to beat for happiness.

Online I also like to spend a lot of time perusing forums and so forth. This is not at all particularly unhealthy, but the thing with laptop time is that it is very much non Bella time. Online laptop time is also non book writing time, so I need to prioritise of what is most important with my laptop. And that is book writing.

In this past week I have put onto my laptop the ideas/writing that I needed to transfer, and now I am free to commence work on it again. TSP could possibly be written by years end. If I give it enough focus.

I have also transferred a lot of EA material to read, so I don't need to be online for that either.

Finally with porn stuff, it's best that I do that at my parents house anyway, since Bella has other company at that time. I know that is not best for my parents though, but hopefully I don't do it much anyhoo. Certainly this arvo I will not even log onto their computer.

But I will take back my hard drive. And transfer some old writing and stuff back onto this laptop.

I actually have two laptops now. This week I bought another, because the power cord of my original stopped working. And cooly enough the new one works in the old laptop, so I can just use it to power both. The new laptop has not been used yet, but it could become a place for specialist book projects and stuff. Anyhoo, I think that with my love of writing, that I can never have too many laptops :-)

It is a magical place. Your worries whisper away in the constant streamy sound of moving water. You can just stand and listen. Or sit. Or dip your toes in the water. Or your legs. Or your body. You can step into it, and even sip from its falls. And you can engulf yourself from within its falling water, and gain a different perspective.

I can't find a negative about the Stuttgart fountains; apart from the people smoking ;)

Children play in its waters with a gay abandon that touches adults, and makes us happier. Teenagers in love (or just girlfriends) try to dunk each other, or just splash. At the fountain we become children again, at least in a way.

On this day there were hippo heapsY adults which saw the fountain from a different perspective, and even a budhist monk dipped his toes in its goodness. Somewhat confirmation that the fountain is the place of peace.

It hurts to be without her. More than it ever has.

Despite all of the changes in my life, there really hasn't been much change at all. Not as far as my general make-up goes. For since I started living; way back now on December 5, 2005; I have been all about the same things: Being with my loved one, and writing. That is me in a nutshell. So now, as I feel incredibly down and depressed (though also understanding that these things pass) I write. As I always have in such times.

What if I would receive no contact from her from now on? What if something desperately tragic has happened to her (and not just an understandable mother putting her foot down)?

I would sink into a darkness of deep depression. Absolutely. But I would dig myself out of it. Perhaps not to ever feel the same joy again, such as was felt last Saturday, Sunday and Monday; but because I let love define me I would not be destroyed. In fact The Seriousness Police book would most certainly still be completed.

Because love and writing is what is most important to me. Oh yes indeedy.

Well, I will most definitely be if I get to meet her.

In August.

The luckiest boy in the world indeedy.

I am not sure where I will post this just now (it’s 9:35pm on June 15 at the minute); the EA, or my blog. I also do not know if my EA name has been changed, as requested a week or so back. It’s not the biggest of deals, but it suddenly seemed to me that it was rather silly; quite fool hardy in fact, to have my actual name on these boards. Yes, it would be great if everyone could be 100% themselves, but that is just being gunho. It was being gunho for Kate. And I don’t need to be like that anymore.

I am loveable (meant to be spelt lovable I think, but I prefer it with the e in the middle) to just the way I am. I have learned to love myself without having to be Mr Principle.

Not that recent weeks have seen completely wonderful behaviour from me. But all in all things seem to be working out perfectly. Really they do. Do, do do, do, do do do.

Last weekend I became adamant that I would see the same hooker from the previous weekend; whom I’d physically gotten along so well. I was in the frame of mind to actually hurt her, which meant pretending that she could be my girlfriend, and then trying to get some ‘free’ sex out of our exchanges.

This was even though I knew that this was a horrible thing to do; in all respects and for all people.

Including me.

It is now Saturday June 16, 7:14 pm. I stopped writing last time due to little darling Bella arriving onto my lap. It’s usually the case that I will allow her to win out over my laptop. On many times she will soon be off, perhaps distracted by a noise and so forth, and then I would write more. But this time it was a long continuous stretch that she snoozed for, and by the end of it all it was clearly bed time.

I love having Bella on my lap actually. It’s very loving for us both.

Just now she is sitting beside me, but I’ll try and focus on the writing for a bit. The rambling. While still (patting her now) paying her attention from time to time.

She is really trying to get the better of the laptop again lol. It can be hard to resist her charms.

Basically I have felt bored this evening though. I worked today, which was fine, and then it was internet at the shopping centre and supermarket plus late lunch. Then a nice walk with Bella. But since then I’ve had thoughts about returning to my parents place for internet access, and to view porn. I am still physically lonely. There are no two ways about that. Here I am, a handsome boy, just sitting at home with his dog. I’ve thought of going out too, but there are possible major implications to that, plus ‘clubbing’ generally hasn’t resulted in the happiest times of my life.

August 11. August 11. August 11. August 11. Just need to keep saying it. It really is not that far away.

But in other ways it is. Just consider how much I miss her, in general. Just a few hours without her contact and I’m craving it. Craving her. Today she poked me, and I am grateful for that, but there was no further conversation, and so I feel my day kinda incomplete. So that too is most definitely a reason to want to travel to my parents – who are away on a short holiday – but I’m aware that the porn will probably take over. At least I don’t kid myself.

I have considered going to the shopping centre. Do I go there ‘yet’ again? Lol

I think I wrote of this, but my masturbation without streak ended at twenty-seven days. That’s rather impressive, even with 2 hooker encounters from day sixteen on. Well three actually, if you count the one on the twenty-seventh day too. And that in itself again emphasises that masturbation for me is all about environment and state of mind. Even after sex that morning I was keen to view porn and masturbate when given the opportunity later that day. The physical ability to masturbate was oh so easy. Which means that all of those times when I’m going three, four, five, six, seven, etc, days without ejaculation must be super easy to physically masturbate. But generally I feel absolutely no desire too. Like just now. There is no desire to masturbate, and it’s been five days since the last, but there is desire to view porn. If I had the internet here, I’d be on it in a jiffy.

Which makes not getting the net at my new unit one of my all time best decisions. It’s also a case of taking note of the past; recalling that I wasn’t obsessed by masturbation when I didn’t have home online access in 2006 and the first half of 2007.

So it was one week ago now, this latest hooker venture, and I feel no desire to see hookers again now in the immediate future. This seems to have been gotten out of my system. Well, if I was given it for free tonight or something I’d go, but you know what I mean.

I also have a little coleslaw (since realised it's meant to be coldsore lol) on my left side of mouth. Karma. But that’s good.

Two days after the hooker and masturbation combo, I masturbated again. My parents were out at the footy and I travelled to their place, on the premise that I’d buy plane tickets and get some medication for Bella. I was quickly distracted by porn, and so on this occasion I really didn’t kid myself enough. And I wasted almost four hours on it. Four hours! I had left Bella at home too. That’s the thing with addictions. Others get hurt. Well, I wasn’t costing my parents money – they are on some sort of standard internet plan – but Bella was left all alone, and when I finally got back that night she got all excited and after some brief play she peed on the mat. It was the first time since our move that she hadn’t gone outside.

I was stricken with guilt, and not just for her. Far worse was my treatment of S. My S. It wasn’t particularly bad treatment, but it was still insensitive. I had initially logged onto facebook, seen that she’d written a message, but I didn’t reply, moving off onto less lofty things. She wasn’t logged in anyhoo, but it was the principle of not replying that was the issue. I should always reply when given the ‘opportunity’. Because I know how much ‘I’ miss her.

And we are Samey/Samey. Oh yes indeedy.

She freaked out. It wasn’t anything to do with a non reply on facebook, but it was still guilt that I deserved. It was that I had not replied to her work emails. I was not at work, having had a public holiday, and apparently I had told her this, she later told, so should not have freaked out at all. But yes she should have. Because I was insensitive. I didn’t even poke her. I didn’t because I had nothing to say, and figured that a poke acknowledged that I was on fb and thus had the opportunity to say something. But the most important thingy is just to remind our love ones that we are there. There for them. And that’s what S – My Sun – did today.

On the Monday I didn’t even get the plane tickets. I had to do it through a travel agent, which is now done. Yippee!! Well, I shall get them next Friday at 5:30 pm.

And I got Bella medication, but the wrong stuff, and I bought 12 months worth. Oh me oh my! And I’d taken with me three contacts to call to pay off bills, but called none. I have since called the two important ones, but that was bad, cause that was on work time.

Even though we are quiet.

The hooker experience last Saturday was nice. Nothing too out of the ordinary. I had seen her two or three times previously, and we physically get along okay. Like many women it is simply lovely to hold her and kiss her. They have such beautiful soft skin, and it’s amazing in a way to get to be with them.

But the point was that I didn’t ‘choose’ to be with ‘her’. Life, or fate, chose that.

When I called them up I specifically asked for the girl whom I was with the previous weekend. The one who was ‘totally’ into me and whom I was going to be bad to and lie to and try to get some cheap sex and physical companionship out of. But she wasn’t there. Apparently.

This surprised me as she said she worked there Saturdays and Sundays, but anyhoo, I immediately named my backup girl, and so I was scheduled in. When I arrived she was called to me, and when we headed towards the bedroom I caught site of the other girl heading out to be one of numerous possible other guests of another guy. She saw me too, and must have felt confused and horrible. But even at the moment that this strange event was occurring, I knew that it was the right thing. I would have preferred to have been with her, but whatever hurt caused there and then would always be hundreds of times less to what it could have been if I’d gotten my selfish way.

And so I paid for it. Again. But nobody got hurt too badly.

No woman can just be with me. Not just for a fling. For I am too loveable.

It is 8:17 now. I just had Bella for twenty-two minutes. Until she was distracted lol.

It kinda works well actually. I am a great burst writer. For the most part I can’t sit here for hours and write. Not all in a row. But in bursts I can be Gregory Gold.

The being too loveable thingy was discussed in some depth during an outstanding piece of writing that I did for me and Joanna. I wrote it oh, perhaps about two weeks ago, at least most of it, and it was sent to her a week ago. There has been no reply, but that’s okay.

Silence is really for the best sometimes. It’s what is meant to be. Even if she would have much to say, I am sure.

Absolutely they were.

He was the castrated one, chemically of course. But not completely, for there was a solution to that too.

It was called the Vagira, renamed because the taking of it could result in it turning such an entity into quite a tiger, and not one of those ones that can be tamed with a big ball of string.

Because as Miley Cyrus tells us, I can’t be tamed. Oh yes indeedy.

But only she has access to these pills, for we can hardly trust the penis can we? So every pharmacy and online shop is on red alert. They have his photo and credit card details, and have been strictly advised not to sell to him. If he tries to break through the barriers, without going through his girlfriend, a great alarm of squeeks is sounded, and this guinea pig is very much caught out.

So it appears rather fail safe (any associate who is caught giving him the goods is given a jail sentence, so nobody would dare take that risk). When they decide to have sex together she gives him a pill to swallow, thus wakening up his Androcur sleep induced penis. And she chains him up; not just for their fun time, but so that he can't go anywhere - or more specifically so that his penis cannot go anywhere - until their sex is concluded, and/or the effects of the Vagira have worn off.

:D

I feel as if this week has been a really good one for me. I feel a kinda settled happiness.

Because after only four days I changed my medication again :)

I think that life should allow us to fully explore what is best for us. It should motivate our minds to question what are the best ways for an individual to live, and then on top of that, we need to be provided with the means to allow for experimentation, especially in cases where much thought has already been given to possibilities.

I did one good thing whilst going back onto Lexapro and one bad. The good was to write something nice for my original sweetheart. It was the first time that I’d ever written a fictional piece to her, and I like because well, since she is my original, it is nice that she have something small like that from me, and it highlights how far I have come since I first came into contact with her. Although my development into being someone who can again fully explore his childish imagination has had nothing to do with her, it’s still appropriate for her to see that the boy has become a….boy! Because I really love this part of me.

And I still love her, but it’s just not the same.

It is difficult to comprehend myself how I could wake up and not even be thinking about whether she’s replied. It was like an afterthought. I’d go onto facebook and then barely even shrug my shoulders. So there is always care there, and some sort of love, but no tingling sensations, no desperations, no heart poundings.

And perhaps she knows that.

She didn’t reply to my story, and I was thinking yesterday, of how overwhelming something like this must be, for most people. Often people in the past haven’t been able to reply to ramblings of honesty from me, and it must be just as big a shock to have someone write to you in kinda the mode of a child. And a joyously happy one at that. Most people aren’t lucky enough to be able to switch into such a mode (especially with such regularity!); they are fully entrenched into adulthood, and cannot escape from it. I have been fortunate enough to have been pulled from it’s clutches, and thus can kinda live the life of pre-pubescent, and post.

I also went for a woman from work (so that makes three now that I have officially hit on lol). I had been feeling extra horny lately, and so explored this extra possibility (not that the original sweetheart has much to do with sex; she’s a rare woman who I could look at a possible relationship with, without it). I knew it was bad. I knew it was all wrong. And yet I still didn’t stop myself (and I was thinking through it). In my state of mind and body at the time, I just couldn’t resist trying. It was something that just had to be tried, and then I would move on from that, either way.

The reaction was surprising (to actually say “ha” that she wasn’t going to date me?), but rather then take anger on board, I took on board more of what society was telling me, and acted as such. I’ve long felt that the male sex drive is a weird thing. I mean, we want to naturally have sex with many women (or men if you are gay, both if you are bi), but do women want us to be like this? Or how many do they want to be alpha males?

It was simply a case of putting a fire out on any possibilities (and ‘possibilities’ will always remain with me with my sex drive) in order to get me back on track.

So it may have been a little reckless what I did, but life isn’t about doing everything by the book. It’s about learning as you go. It’s about making mistakes. It’s about being allowed to make mistakes. It’s about learning from your mistakes – or at least some of them. And then pushing on and making further decisions. And then seeing the outcomes of those.

A doctor probably wouldn’t have advised to go straight from depressants onto 100mg of Androcur. But a doctor isn’t me. Sometimes our instinct can be the best guide.

After I swallowed the two pills on Tuesday morning I felt immediately different. My penis felt lifeless; in fact when I got in the shower it looked to be shrivelled up too. And since then it’s been a dead duck. So okay, it is only Saturday now, but Androcur can definitely have a major effect on my sex drive. This is a major relief for me.

Maybe the nine pills that I had previously taken were still in my system, and ready to have some effect if given a little assistance? It’s hard to tell. I hadn’t done any major masturbating (from my recollection) during my four days back on Lexapro, so I was feeling a bit better within myself, though I still felt super dooper horny, and was wanting to follow my dick, wherever it would take me.

I think that depression wise, Androcur just exaggerates these feelings, rather than actually make me depressed. So when I still couldn’t stop masturbating whilst on Androcur, I was deeply so. But I can’t masturbate now, and have no desire to, so there isn’t depression there in the first place. I had an hour or so at work one morning where I was a little stressed (just with having too much to do), but that quickly subsided, and all in all I’ve been in a very good place both mentally and physically.

Generally speaking on the latter, as I have felt extremely tired. Quite exhausted. In fact this is something that I felt straight after taking the double shot the first time. The first three days at work included regular yawning, particularly in the afternoon, and getting out of bed has not been easy! But the last couple of days seem better in these respects. I went to a party last night, and felt entirely comfortable, pretty peaceful, and more than happy enough (though I still want a little more happiness lol). I also haven’t noticed any loss of sense of humour (or what I perceive to be one that I possess!), plus I am still active online in forums and stuff, so I am still interested in writing and interacting with others. I’m just not doing bad stuff online now :)

And as for the work girl, we’re all sweet. I don’t take personal offence in situations like that, always trying to understand where the other is coming from (she hasn’t had much luck in the relationship game, and besides that has every right not to trust me anyway), and it didn’t effect me anyway; not even a need to put on a brave face. It’s becoming apparent to me now, that something that has long seemed out of reach for me is becoming possible. Female friendship without guilt. My heart (at least the pounding version) isn’t available, and now I’m not physically available either, so there is zero ulterior motive to most of my interactions with women (some, especially one, I still desire a physical, snugglefest relationship with :D). Of course I still have to consider the other side of the coin too, which may mean that the friendships still aren’t possible, unless they are happy in their own relationship.

Right now I feel happy. I don’t feel capable of going out and running a marathon, but I also don’t feel any desire too. I feel positive about the simple life which may be possible. I should be moving out of my folks place soon, which is another positive step. Onwards and upwards.

I may not be on cloud nine yet, but I can certainly see it.

Getting through work today was a close shave.

I was so tired. I was so desiring sleep.

In the end, what seemed to get me through I suppose, was this mornings close shave.

Now for some War (is there any way that we can stop personhood from engaging in this? I suppose not) & Peace reading on my bed, with Bella by my side.

I live in a Bellpire.

The boy had just headed into Rebel, potentially to buy some rubber shoes. Ones that were lite. Ones that felt good. Really good.

But he wouldn't necessarily buy anything at all. He was just there to explore the options.

Being located in a shopping centre, the area was beautiful people plentiful. And fortunately he was one of those.

But he was not long in the store, when a woman suddenly approached him. Did he ask for this in any way? No way. But she arrived on the scene regardless, with somewhat of a strange request.

"Hey slender boy. Want to go for a run with me?"

"What, like now?" The boy was a little taken aback.

"Yeah of course," she replied matter of factly. "Why not?"

"Well it's kind of short notice," the boy replied slowly, fumbling around for words. "And well, I'm not really ready. Not at all actually. Sorry."

The woman appeared a bit disappointed.

"Oh...okay then. But just to let you know; I'm ready whenever you are."

"Wow, you're keen! But I'm just here to shop for some shoes."

The boy carried on with his plans, but it was difficult for him to even get a chance to try some on. He just kept getting hassled by women wanting to go for a run with him. Initially he was quite flattered and all, but after a while it became quite tiresome. So he decided to approach the front counter.

"Excuse me sir, but I'm constantly being approached around here. What gives?"

"Well around here the people are quite rebellious - so what they want they always try to get."

The boy tried to explain his story to the man; that he was just here to try on shoes.

"Well I'm afraid that telling that to female runners can often be like talking to a brick wall. They just really love their running. They always seem up for it. Personally I don't really get it, but that's the way it is."

The boy returned to his task at hand, but sure enough, it wasn't long before he was approached again. This time it was the original woman.

"I'm sorry to intrude," she whispered, "but I would very much like to go running with you. I am so sure that it would be really nice. Come on. Why don't you give it a try?"

The boy finally exploded a little. "Bloody hell! Can't you see that I'm not interested? I mean, you look like a nice runner and all, but geez, I've just eaten and haven't even stretched. Besides, I'm not even dressed for the occasion. Plus I don't even know if I feel like doing it."

"How could you not feel like doing it?," came the confused reply. "I absolutely love it. I want to have a run all the time."

The boy stared at her with daggers. "Well why don't you try to see it from anothers perspective!"

The girl went silent and the boy wondered if he had over reacted.

He then decided to at least try to see things from her perspective.

"Are you training for a 1,500 metres race?," he asked the girl quietly, who was now looking down at the floor.

"No," she whispered meekly.

"Or how about a ten k then?," asked the boy more upbeatly.

She now looked at him again. "No I am not, but thanks for asking."

"So it's a marathon then is it?," persisted the boy. "Geez, you're keen."

"No," repeated the girl. "I'm not training for anything at all."

Now the boy looked extremely perplexed. He took a few breaths and got his thoughts together.

"So you don't require a reason; an actual reason - to want to run a lot?"

"Exactly."

"That's weird."

No, you're weird.

"Well we probably both are."

Both of them now broke into smirks and the tension eased.

It's still a bit hard for me to understand," continued the boy. "I ran personal bests that I was satisfied with, especially my best run for 5,000 metres. That's my baby you know."

"So what do you mean exactly?," the girl asked.

"Well I had reason to run then you see. Reason to do all of the things that would get me in the right mood to go for a run. Yes, it is still kind of fun, but well, without reason I can't be bothered getting my pants off, if you know what I mean."

"I think I do," she replied. "We are just different that's all. It's no biggie. Like even now, after all this discussion, I still want to run with you."

"Oh really!" The boy bursts into hysterics. "You, my friend, have a serious problem!"

"So we are friends then? I suppose that's...okay."

Out of the corner of her eye the girl now spotted another cute boy checking out some shoes.

"Uum, well, I'd better let you get going then," she said casually. "I hope that you find your perfect fit."

"Yeah, like Cinderella," the boy joked.

The girl approached the other boy with her similar questioning to before. And after the two had been chatting together for a few minutes, the original boy looked across, and wondered if he should have taken her up on her offer for that simply jog.

My transformation into a Grade A bastard is complete.

And how do I know that I'm a Grade A?

Because I recognise that I'm a bastard and I still don't care.

Or at least not much.

And I know that this girl ain't a bitch at all.

I am not gaga. Not at all. And I suppose - in our weird and often annoying human ways - that this is partly why she is so into me.

My last girlfriend once said that we all have a past that can make or break us. I'm not sure if my past is too directly responsible for this, but it does give me many comparisons to compare my feelings with this girl. And these feelings just don't compare.

It could just be my ego always asking for more - but then again I felt much stronger about my last girlfriend, despite the women lurking in my background.

I usually feel quite wonderful when we are intimate together. It's not just the sex, but the other physical stuff. One of the best things is the aftermath of sex, when you lie in the others arms. I think that guys would be happy to just lay in bed with a girl for most of the day (on all days!) even without much sex, whereas girls more want to get out and do stuff.

Such as shopping!

But perhaps removal of sex drive can allow a guy to always have these wonderful moments of physical joy with a woman, without the annoyance of his little brother always wanting a part of the action.

There was one time when we were just doing heaps of kissing and hugging and I must have got 5-10 errections! And eventually even he got a little tired.

There is a joke that when a man snuggles he always wants it to lead to sex. We don't necessarily want to be like that, but we really just don't have a choice.

Modern medicine can you give us that choice?

So anyway, how do I know that I'm not gaga?

I don't miss her. I only think about her in the sense that I need to call her because she is desperate to speak to me, etc. And when we aren't physically intimate but are together I am mostly bored.

And she ain't a boring person; she just doesn't stimulate me mentally/spiritually.

So am I less gaga about others enough now to actually succeed with someone who means the world to me?

In life we never know what is around the corner. Maybe nothing exciting is coming my way, but maybe it is.

I don't really know why I stopped interacting with The Girl (about 2 months ago). But there has to be a reason. I thought that my girlfriend (initially) was possibly it. But actually I think that it's to do with my other ones.

I have still been doing no personal writing (I just have no motivation, though once I finally began to write here this morning - instead of just reading and posting on a cycling forum - it all came out quite naturally), but for a number of weeks I have rolled writing around in my head; stuff that I feel like saying to Funland Girl. I just feel that she is way too stubborn/negative about life, and that she shouldn't be. And with me dropping all of my principles (except for my refusal to read magical writing from The Girl - perhaps out of my own fears more than anything else) I might write to her; sort of like I used to.

But then there was my grand surprise. The return of the Plane. I was totally thrilled by this. And when I looked at all her photos (a couple of days afterwards; see I am not quite so desperate and clingy now :)) I felt all warm and fuzzy inside. She is so damn beautiful to me - and it would mean the world to me to see her again. Still, after all these years.

There are three women who I believe that I could be truly happy to end up with. So I have three wishes; only one of which needs to come true.

Feelings can change, but at present my VERY GOOD girlfriend is merely a convenience for me.

I once said that The Girl had lapped the field in winning my heart over. This is true, and in fact remains so. But there are two important disclaimers to this. One is that there were two women who always refused to try. They simply spent their time jogging out the back while puffing on ciggarettes! They tried - NOT to fall for me or to have me fall for them. So there are multiple potential ones for me. The other disclaimer is that it is possible for one of these ones to become all encompassing; in the process eliminating the other contenders. That's what The Girl has done for much of my recent life.

But she never finished that race. And I feel like I've started a new one.

At the moment Joanna is the one who has accepted me. Only as a 'friend' yes, but it's a start. To me Joanna is spectacular.

And she may just be The Cure.

Or perhaps this should be simply titled Life's A Bitch.

The pursuit of happiness for humans is an ongoing challenge; perhaps an impossible achievement - at least if we are talking about some sort of form of ultimate happiness.

Which to me is still sort of all well and good. For after all, how can the perfect life - with no downsides to it - give us any meaning?

We always need the bad times to appreciate the good times.

Still, we should endeavour to make our lives as good as they possibly can be. And once we are fortunate enough to have all of our necessities (which many people around the world unfortunately are not - fortunate enough) such as food, water, shelter and good health; well then we can have the luxury to take a hard look at our so called happiness and our pursuit of it.

So what is it that effects our happiness (and sadness) the most?

Some parents may say that it is their children (which may well be the case - I can't make comment on that since I do not have any of my own), but for all of us, we are emotionally effected in a major way by our feelings for others of whichever sex it is that we feel strongly about (for some people this is both).

And their doesn't even have to be any sort of a so called proper relationship taking place for those whom we greatly desire to effect us in the biggest of ways.

So what is it that men and women (I will not look at things from a gay perspective here) need to make them really happy? Surely if we can identify these things then we can go about solving this problem?

I am not sure that it is that simple.

Men need companionship to be really happy. That is something that they cannot get past. So a straight man will always need female companionship to be really happy - at least potentially really happy.

This includes physical intimacy - which includes sex. But men are not all about sex.

Nevertheless they do want it - lots of it - and I suppose need it. And men naturally want it from many women if possible, though they aren't always actually looking to go down that road.

Women want men to only want sex with them. These two wants contradict each other. But like men, women also need companionship from men. And in many cases they do not want sex as much - and as often.

So why can't we just remove the sex drive of the man then?

Because women need sex - perhaps even more than the man - for their own self-esteem. Or if not the actual physical act of sex, then they need to know that their man greatly desires them - and needs them - sexually.

A woman also needs to find their man physically attractive in regards to trying to reach their own high level of personal happiness. But an attractive man brings about its own negative. For the woman is aware that if he is highly attractive to her, then he is highly attractive to other women.

And women don't just love a handsome man. They love a handsome man who is settled and is a challenge.

One who is in a relationship with another woman.

You could say that men are bastards to women, and women are bitches to other women.

So women cop it both ways.

And the men? Well, they mostly just have their own guilt to deal with - either through their thoughts or actions.

Ultimately it is trust - and perhaps naivety - that allow or disallow happiness in relationships and in individuals.

Let's look at a couple of examples.

Hugh Jackman has long been regarded as one of the sexiest men around. Yet he is married to a woman who is far from a traditional hottie. If he has been faithful to her then he truly is an incredible guy.

But the problem with this is that we don't know - and neither does she. In fact Hugh may have been faithful to her for all of these years, despite all of the temptations. But that probably still won't make both of them truly happy.

And why not?

Because she may not believe him anyway. And besides, she has every right not to, for he is a highly attractive man, and men naturally want to have sex with many beautiful women, and beautiful women are throwing themselves at Hugh all the time.

These understandable thoughts lead to distrust. Which also lead onto less giving of love from her. So we may in fact have ourselves a situation where a good man is not getting any from any woman - even though he is as desired as anyone!

He may be awfully happy when he arrives home after long stints away. Happy to see his wife, and happy within himself because he has been faithful. But his wife will probably think that he is happy for other reasons, and thus bring him down.

The happiness-sadness see-saw in full effect.

And after a while Hugh (we are assuming in this instance that he has been faithful) would understandably get sick of the injustice of it all. To have the door of love and sex closed on him by his wife even though he has been good. Why would he not then decide to go and cheat on her? After all, it might not just be good sex to be had, but generally good times, for the other woman would treat him very well indeed.

Because she doesn't have him. And she wouldn't care at all about his wife.

A part of the negative feeling from Hugh's wife would come from the fact that she is less attractive; then both Hugh and some of the other women who desire him. So let's take a more attractive woman - Victoria Beckham - and her relationship with David.

David is a stud. A super stud. Women can be reduced to rubble just by looking at him. Victoria is very aware of this.

He also spends a lot of time away from her. There is every opportunity to cheat. It is most probable that he has - and has done so many times (understandably) - but what if he hasn't?

There would be no benefit to his happiness by not cheating. Not only is there Victoria's natural distrust, but there are the many stories that other girls sell to the media about their apparent flings with David. Even if he didn't cheat, there is almost no way that Victoria would deep down believe him, and from that would breed hatred from her, which means that she would do whatever she could to bring him and his apparent happiness down.

Because even worse for Victoria would be if she did trust him - and she treated him well by loving him with all of her soul - and then he still cheated on her (which is a great possibility). So to protect the woman's pride it is best to just not trust in the first place.

Another example might be a semi attractive man and a highly attractive woman. The man is probably intimidated by the greater attractiveness of her and of some of the men who desire her. The woman probably will not be as quick to potentially cheat on the man as vice versa, but the mans neediness (or clinginess) of her will grate over time. Women like a confident man, which is strangely one who is probably sleeping with numerous women!

So in a way the less attractive mans neediness may push her into a relationship with a more confident man.

There are a lot of men who are not particularly attractive who are with highly attractive women. But these men are confident. They view themselves as desirable - and for a woman that is perhaps the main thing.

But all women like confidence - so again, the more that they are being turned on by their own man, the more aware they are of the fact that other women would be attracted (or turned on) by him too.

And that maybe he is being a bastard.

Life's a bitch.

Wow.

Wow. Wow. Wow.

I got a job. I sent off my book contract.

But that's not really wow.

I got a girlfriend. A remarkable girlfriend.

Now that's wow.

I've been knocked to the canvas by her meaningfulness hundreds of times in just a few short days. Never have I met another human who is so giving, and she is giving me her love, without the slightest bit of hesitation. We are both needing to shower our love upon each other, and we are both needing to accept that love as a grand gift.

She is the strongest person I've ever met. For surely one of the truest strengths is to remain super positive despite enduring some great hardships.

Love is surprising. We can't predict when it is going to occur, and how hard it is going to hit us. We can experience it, and truly believe that no feelings can be stronger than that.

And then love comes along and proves us wrong.

Very wrong indeed.

It is in the new creavaces of my smile. A sure sign that I've never smiled so consistently much in all my life. Big, genuine smiles. HEAPS of little giggling. HEAPS of extreme happiness. Without any restrictions. Whenever we want we can just hug each other, and kiss each other, and roll around in eachs others arms like little children.

And text each other with the most amazing messages. Sure, they'd make anyone else vomit, but fortunately I am not anyone else!

So does that mean that I don't love The Girl? Don't be ridiculous. I still love The Girl and always will. But I have not read her writing since we slept together. I feel no real need too, and it wouldn't be right, at least not right now. Maybe when my girlfriend learns of her we can read her amazing writing together. My girlfriend loves amazing writing and will be amazed by The Girl.

But right now I'm about to be silly again. I'm about to go over to her place at a fairly ridiculous hour, especially considering that I'm working tomorrow. But why hide away from love? Why fight love? Why not just fully embrace it?

After all, HAPPINESS awaits.

I AM IN LOVE WITH MELISSA. There is no need to hide that or her at all.

Life is indeed magical. :)

Earlier today I went running. I was going to run up in The Basin hills, but changed my mind and just ran on the oval behind our place. I saw how windy it was outside and so thought that there might be more trees fallen in the bush, plus the prospect of more falling. Plus I had a slightly tickly throat, so it was sensible to make my run shorter and flatter.

We do have to walk down paths in life, but we have to be willing to turn back, or go down a side road too.

Something that I have noticed on the oval of late is that there are these little birds that fly around in circles. On one run one bird circled around me continuously for a number of laps. This I liked a lot. It may have seemed like this bird had no control over its life. That it was always going to fly in the same seemingly pointless manner. But this wasn't 100% correct. Afterall, it would never hit me (but was always close) despite my pace not remaining constant. The bird made sensible adjustments.

On today's run the wind was fierce, but I battled through it for about 20 minutes. I'm not exactly sure how many laps I did, but I was enjoying the music. My favourites this time were by The Game (no meaningful lyrics to quote!) and The Hollies ("he ain't heavy"). Running can always be meaningful, but it doesn't have to be so hard. It would be nice to have someone to run behind to reduce the force of the head wind. And I could run ahead of them and help them too. That would be sensible. That would be wise.

And when we have the tail wind we can run alongside each other.

My writing today has been rushed. I woke up fairly late and then found some significant writing to read, writing that was far too harsh. Then there was my run. On my run my thoughts inspired me to write and post today, so when I returned I started to write. I even put off my shower for this, so mum was rightfully suggesting that I put some clothes on! But then came something unexpected. A phone call. A good friend of mine rang me just before 2pm and I had an invitation to go bowling with him and another good friend of mine at 3pm. It wasn't really what I wanted to do (given my obsession for writing and The Woman), but I knew that it was the right thing to do. He went out of his way to call me and see how I was and to hang out, after I hadn't contacted him in two months or so. These are the two main friends that I have left after all of my selfish behaviour. They're still there for me and have been on and off since primary school.

So I couldn't do too much more writing. Mum started saying that my friend could go with me tonight to the gig, but sorry mum, I don't want to go with him. I want to go with her. That's nothing against that man at all. And he'd understand. Not that I've ever mentioned her to him (I did play him one of her songs once, but said nothing about the singer).

He understands really well how much guys need a girl.

So I showered and shaved and brushed my teeth (though I can be quite lazy in regards to these latter two disciplines). I got there a couple of minutes after 3. They were already there. We had instantly nice pleasantries as we always do, and there is often a lot of good natured humour amongst us three. Our joking can be quite childish. It's certainly not particularly manly. These aren't the sort of comments you'd hear out on a stereotypical building site.

We were going to play two games but ended up playing a third because the friend who organised this wanted "redemption" for his poor form. There were stupid jokes straight away. My friends even laughed at me going under the name Gregory (our stuff isn't exactly going to make it onto SNL) and then my friend pointed out the hilarity of the workers comments. We were put into lane 24 which was right at the end of the alley. She said that you're right next to the bar. The way that she said it had us interpreting that she viewed us as alcoholics. My mate pointed out that we were right next to the toilets too, which was obviously convenient.

I am not a particularly good bowler, though strange things were happening in Game 1. I won it. Somehow. It was not a great score, but the other two performed well below expectations. In fact I don't ever remember having beaten one of these friends at bowling. During some of my reasonable bowls a mate would say, "That's the one," as it went down the lane. I laughed the first time he did this, especially as the end result was a rare strike.

I bowl as slowly as anyone, giving plenty of time for comments before the ball reaches the pins, smart alecy or otherwise.

During the second game I was useless and finished last (I could say third.....it sounds better) and for the first four frames of the third game I got nine pins each time. This lot of bad luck was following on from my four splits in the second game. My mate had been taking a lot of notice of this, and that's when he came out with his, "guys luck is zero" comment. It cracked us up. He said that he wanted to post this on youtube under this heading.

The second game wasn't too much bad luck though (I possibly lost a bit of concentration as I wanted to refer to myself as the "reigning champion" as much as I could while I could). I started to spin the ball too much and therefore hooking it. My right pinky finger was doing it's own thing I think (it's a tendon thing...I don't do it to look cool) and taking over. So after three frames I changed to a heavier ball and continued to struggle. But at the start of the third game I switched back to the original ball and made a small adjustment to bowl a bit faster (still not fast). That way it would have less time to spin away to the left. It didn't work initially, but in the last six frames I bowled better than I ever had. I finished with my second highest score ever.....even with some outcomes on missed strikes that had my mate saying that the earlier comment could even be, "guys luck is negative zero."

I finished second. The best bowler got a score that I could never match.

During the third game I also started watching the game between two kids that were playing in the lane alongside of us. It was a titanic struggle. Unlike most kids there age they didn't use the bumper bars. There were many gutter balls, but it made the balls that scored more satisfying. In the end the boy just beat the girl. In their second game it was neck and neck again.

It may have been their first ever try at bowling. Both were really having a wonderful time. They were being encouraged on by their parents who were having a great time just watching them have fun. The girl and the boy both gained as much joy from the others successes as they did from their own, and high five's and ten's were regularly exchanged by all, either as a congratulations, or as a better luck next time. The girl seemed particularly keen to make this game as successful as possible for her. She was trying out bowling left handed and right handed and trying different balls. It seemed like each frame bought about a new style. My mates also took an interest in their battle and agreed with me when I said that this stuff would be more entertaining than half the stuff on television.

Because a mate had bought coupons we also got two free tokens. These are used to play the chocolate machine. It is like a skill tester, but you get fun size (mini) chocolate bars. Or you should. My six shots yielded no chocolates. The machine picks them up and then slowly releases them onto the platform where hopefully they stay and knock off ones that are near the edge. There were five chocolates in a row that were picked up, but all failed to stay on the platform. My mates then decided that this could be added to the Guys Luck Is Zero, youtube extravaganza!

My mates had a little better luck, with one kindly 'forcing' a chocolate onto me after some resistance.

I'd had quite a lot of fun, but it wasn't the same as bowling with her. And I still thought of her often.

When I got home I was only thinking about getting inside and finishing and posting my first piece today. So I hadn't even thought about the parrots that we have regularly in our yard. But as I rushed towards the door there it was. The little bright green parrot. I hadn't seen it in about a week and my parents haven't seen it either. We've been a little concerned about it. There are more and more new parrots around now. We were wondering if it would ever comeback.

But it did. And we all know what green means.