Tales of Pulkritude, Volume 1 - A History

I’m writing this, not because I ever expect anyone to ever see it, but I will soon end my days and I may be the last person in the world with this knowledge. Being a historian, I feel the need to leave some record of my life’s work. Writing has become a lost art in our society. Only I, Judd, head historian of the city-state of Pulkritude, and my scribes are allowed to learn, and only I am allowed to leave this building. I am, of course, a eunuch, and a slave. No one, other than the Queen, a limited few of her council, and the High Priestess are allowed access to the information stored in these archives, and, since even the Queen, herself, cannot read, they must all depend on my knowledge, wisdom, and interpretation of events. When I tell you the history of our world, you’ll understand why this must be.

The world was not always as it is now. I have found evidence and maps that show that the world is, or at least was, much more than our islands. According to not only legend, but also to our religion, the world is a great flat disk-think of a huge cake, or pie pan-of water in the middle of which are our islands. We’ve always believed that our islands were the world, the only place where there was land where people could live. In the archives, hidden away in a long unopened vault I found a most unusual object, one that I’ve shown to no one. We have old maps that show what I’ve determined must be our islands. Although there have been some differences, Pele is always changing our island of Haawaayee, sometimes adding to, sometimes taking away from our island, there are too many similarities for them not to be our islands. The name, too, Hawaii, of the islands on the map, is too close for it to just be a coincidence. The maps show great land masses existing in the world, land masses next to which the islands of our world are just dots. The maps led me to first believe that there were actually two disks, one called Eastern and the other Western-our islands are in Western-but the object leads to a different, astounding conclusion, and, by itself, would be reason enough to forbid access to the knowledge of the Archives. The object was a large ball, or globe, on which was painted the map of the world, including our island! If it’s true, then the world is not a disk, but a great ball of water and land! It goes against everything our religion teaches.

Our God is the Great Mother, Gaia. When she is pleased, she is generous. Food is provided for us with little effort required on our part, fruit from the ground and trees, fish from the sea. When she is angry, she awakes her daughter, Pele, who erupts, sending smoke, fire, ash and lava across our island. Only many human sacrifices will appease her.

One of the most shocking things that I’ve learned about the ancient world, one that would cost me my life, if I ever told, or even hinted to anyone, is that most of the leaders of the ancient world seemed to have been men. I know that this is shocking, but it’s only the first of many shocking things that I shall reveal, so please suspend your disbelief until I’ve finished with my tale.

The god of the ancients, the ones that existed before, had a different name. “Dollar” they called their god, or sometimes “The Almighty Dollar.” Occasionally, the would refer to him as the “Buck.” Every city built many temples which they called “Banks” to this god. Almost every day there would be frenzied religious rites practiced in the most holy cities, in the great temples called “Stock Exchanges.” For hours each day the priests, called “Members of the Stock Exchange” and their acolytes would enter a profound religious fervor while worshipping “Dollar.” They would yell and scream at each other, “Buy” or “Sell” depending on which they thought would gain them more favor from “Dollar.” At the end of the session, “Dollar” would either reward them by adding to the index, or punish them, if they hadn’t provided the proper fervor, by lowering the index. I’m not exactly sure what this index was, but they referred mostly to the great “Dow Jones.”

Everyone carried around religious objects, made out of paper or metal, blessed by the “Banks,” and appropriately called “Dollars.” Children, who lived in groups called families,-they even knew who their fathers were-would beg their parents for these objects. “Give me a Dollar” was their plaintive cry. These objects must have been symbols of piety and devotion to the god, “Dollar,” because the more one had, the more highly she was regarded. One of the most highly regarded people was actually a man. I don’t believe that he was a eunuch, but, of that I can’t be certain. He must have been a priest, because the king at that time was George II of the house of Bush. As unbelievable as it may seem, this man was said to have more “Dollars” than anyone else in the world. He had more “Dollars” than the combined total “Dollars” of the bottom forty percent of the people in the United States. His name was “Bill of the Gates.” Of course, in our land, everything is owned by the Queen, who provides for her people as she sees fit.

In another part of the world there were people who were said to have worshipped a different god, a god who went by the name of Allah. The greatest of his priests were Sadaam and his son, Osama. Sadaam and Osama hated “Dollar.” They were determined to bring down “Dollar” and all the countries that worshipped him-they even referred to their god as a he. Haawaayee was part of one of these countries, one called “The United States.” Sadaam and Osama called the United States the “Great Satan,” possibly because “Dollar” claimed those people as his chosen ones, and in the holy city of New York they had built the greatest temple of all to “Dollar.” It was called “The Twin Towers.” Sadaam and Osama were determined to bring down the “Twin Towers”, hoping to, at the same time, destroy both “Dollar” and the United States. They failed in their first attempt, but then, with the help of Allah, sent great flying birds crashing into the towers. The towers fell. Along with the towers fell the “Dow Jones.”

George II attempted to fight back by taking over countries that worshipped Allah. The United States had a great army. First they went after Osama. They chased him and many of his followers out of the small country in which they were. George II’s minister, Powell of the Colon, installed a government favorable to “Dollar,” one that still professed to worship Allah, but worshipped “Dollar” more. At first they seemed to be succeeding. Then the suicide attacks, attacks with infernal devices that killed many people at once, started. People in the government favorable to “Dollar” were killed, soldiers in the army of Powell of the Colon were killed, innocent women and children were killed. The “Dow Jones” fell. People lost their religious tokens, their “Dollars,” in record amounts. People without enough “Dollars” to show their piety went hungry.

To remain king, George II had to do something. He attacked Sadaam’s country. He managed to change the government, but, just as he couldn’t find Osama, he couldn’t catch Sadaam either. The suicide attacks began. Officials of the puppet government, soldiers of the United States were killed. The “Dow Jones” fell. Another of Allah’s countries, a country called Saudi, a great supplier of oil, which the United States used in great quantities to light and heat its homes, cut off all oil to the United States. George II had no choice but to invade Saudi. The suicide attacks began. The “Dow Jones” fell. The great esteem, formally held for “The Almighty Dollar” plummeted around the world.

It wasn’t enough for Sadaam and Osama, however. They employed alchemists and wizards to curse the United States, to inflict upon them a great plague. They intended it just to attack the United States, but the curse was more powerful than they had anticipated. It spread throughout the world. Whereas it was supposed to kill everyone, it didn’t. At first, most people became ill, but many women, girls, and boys below the age of puberty recovered with little ill effects. All adult men, except for eunuchs and some old impotent men, died an agonizing death.

The old records end at this point, so I can only surmise what happened. All commerce, travel and communication between countries must have ceased. Chaos reigned. People starved, fought, the stronger, killing the weak. Boys, just as they do now, if still intact at puberty, died. There was no one to propagate the human race. Whole nations must have died out. Possibly a few, as our people must have done, found that, as long as boys were kept separate from women, they didn’t become ill at puberty, that they could be kept until they were mature enough to breed before they were exposed to women, and the plague, that their testicles could be then quickly removed to enable them to survive.

Of all the reasons not to divulge these discoveries of the old world, this is the most important. Our religion, our society, the very fabric of everyday life, is built around the belief that Gaia, herself, ordained that men should be inferior, should be kept only for breeding and as castrated slaves. Women, being the same sex as the Mother, Gaia, are the superior sex. Who knows what effect this could have on our world.

This is the end of the history of the old world. In my next tale, I’ll tie it in to our present day society.