The Diary of A Slave Who Had Nothing But Herself To Give

By Holly Bernstein

6.6.2003 Night And Day

We've been experimenting off and on with orgasm denial, and it has been quite an interesting experience. Over the past 9 months, I've only had 5 orgasms, and I'm not finding this frustrating at all, in fact, I'm kind of liking it. I like staying horny after sex, and maybe it is just me, but I feel like I have a lot more energy for everything. Master used to always tell me when to orgasm before, but he was usually very generous with them - perhaps too much so. While, now that I'm not having them, I'm much more into his pleasure and actually enjoying all kinds of sexual activities more - I can really get into just about anything now. Maybe I dug myself a bit of a hole here! Now he's liking it so much, he's decided to continue this as a permanent part of our relationship.

Now for the twist. He told me today that since I had done so well with this, he would let me decide how long we should wait until my next orgasm... and so I told him at least six months. What was I thinking? And he was so impressed, he has decided to give me at least six hours a week of tease time until then - one hour for each month. Now I have to endure six hours a week of teasing and edging in any way he likes, without orgasm, until at least November.

Wow. The funny thing is this excites me - a LOT! I never thought I could get into something like this! The first two weeks were torture and difficult, but it really changes you once you start experiencing the process. I'm growing to like it more every day. Let's see where this goes..

18.12.2003 A Most Unusual Birthing Plan

So it happened through strange fate that this slave had an idea today. Being in the holiday spirit, I had wanted to find a good gift for master. But seeing as I had no money or real possessions of value, one does not have a choice of good things to give.

Given the hard economic times we are in and our relatively modest earnings, I have sprundg upon a wonderful idea - that would allow me to bring in some substantial income, also, that would allow me to pursue some other goals. I propose that I shall become a surrogate mother. The amount of payment for such a duty is outstanding, certainly, for us, it would be a large sum of money.

I would like to use that money and the necessity of hospital attendance to come up with a most unusual birthing plan. Master has no desire for children, nor do I, but I would like to experience the natural birthing process and the pain involved in such an event. Having it end fruitless and giving up the baby to another couple seems rather like a submission in itself.

My idea is to somehow combine this event with a sterilization, perhaps by scheduling a radical C-section or something else that would allow tubal ligation to be performed immediately after birth, or perhaps to do something more like a very tight epiziotomy, almost more like an infibulation, to close off my vagina. The idea of becoming an anal slave for master I admit I find somewhat appealing.

In any case, this type of combination seems to be quite a good idea, as the money will be good and allow us to achieve some desired surgical or cosmetic changes for me as well. I will think some more on it and present the idea to Master on Christmas.

24.12.2003 Anxious Anticipation

I'm kind of nervous about tomorrow. These ideas I had started as strange fantasies, and now I'm acting on urges and impulses that would have seemed alien to me a year ago. What if Master doesn't like my ideas? This is pretty radical after all. Who can say how he will react?

In a panic, I ran out for last minute conventional Christmas shopping today. I hope he doesn't mind, I did spend a little too much, but I've been getting some extra holiday shifts and overtime to make up for it. He won't be mad. Of course, if he is upset, I could always use a little punishment...

25.12.2003 A Christmas Proposal

Well, that was strange. Master was taken aback I think a bit about my proposal. Nonetheless, he will consider it. We had a relatively normal Christmas otherwise, and he didn't make that big a deal about it. Perhaps I must tell him how much these thoughts mean to me.

2.1.2004 Desire Results

So some interesting side effects have become noticable to me recently. Master allowed me to orgasm this year on New Year's Day, something I have not done in quite some time. Usually, we wait several months between my orgasms, and I am very happy with this. This time, however, we had waited almost half a year to enjoy my climax again. I'm not sure why yet, but I have enjoyed this greatly, actually up to an including my orgasm, I would say it was the most enjoyable six months of my life I have had yet. However, after reaching orgasm, I feel somewhat let down. My desire is gone, I feel, not less attracted to Master, but certainly, less intensity of devotion, and general malaise and apathy. We have both noticed the reduction of my affections, and neither of us is liking it very much. Right now we are researching ways to increase desire in me, either hormonally, or through some kind of long term orgasm denial plan, as this has been working for quite some time. It seems that the longer one is in denial, the longer one wishes to be kept in denial from then on. I am wondering if I might like to be kept in a semi-permanent state of denial from now on, simply kept aroused, a toy for Master to enjoy.

Sort of a delicious and intoxicating thought.

7.1.2004 Fixated Pleasure

Thinking more about my last diary entry, I have entertained more the idea of becoming a purely anal slave to Master. One of the benefits of this is that although I enjoy anal sex, it does not bring me to orgasm (and I am not allowed to touch myself at all, even during sex, unless ordered to do so). We have talked about this over the past week and Master has told me this is one of the things he likes so much about having anal sex - he obviously likes keeping me horny for long periods of time and having our focus be on his pleasure when we make love.

I proposed the idea to Master of potentially closing up of my vagina somehow so that we can continue with a course of purely anal sex, keeping me without orgasm so that I can stay as horny as possible for his needs. I think I would enjoy staying in this state for years, perhaps indefinitely. Ideally, I would like to experience intense arousal and the genital feelings associated with it, but without the distraction of reaching orgasm. Basically, I would like to 'fixate' my pleasure, restricting it somehow to keep it below the threshold of climax. I am thinking we might look into ways of achieving this through surgical or chemical means, even if it turns out that those changes are permanent and I can never reach orgasm again, right now it seems to be very much in line with my desires.

Master has tenatively approved this course of action for now, and instructed me to do whatever research is necessary to this result. He is somewhat skeptical however about committing to any irreversible course of action, and although for now he is happy to just have anal sex, somewhat wondering if at some point in the future, he might start to prefer vaginal sex again for some reason. So at this point, we are not looking into anything permanent. A good temporary solution might be using piercings or something to close up my vagina and cover my clit so that I can focus on his pleasure without the possibility of getting much in the way of genital sensation.

14.2.2004 Surprises, Surprises, Surprises

Master has given me quite a surprise today. Three in fact. First, I received a wonderful gift basket for Valentine's day and a lovely card expressing his love for me. Then we had a long talk.

So master has asked me how serious I am about my plans. First, how am I liking the orgasm denial we have been practicing for going on a year and a half now? I answer that I am liking it very much. How long would I like to continue it? Indefinitely, of course. I like staying horny to please Master and enjoying his pleasure instead.

And how would I feel about living like that forever, never having an orgasm again? Is that what I want?

Now this is serious. And I answer honestly, because now I know the answer. Yes, this is exactly what I want. These feelings have been building in me too long, and I never want them to stop. It feels so good now to be aroused and excited, enjoying sensual pleasure without orgasm, that I really hope at this point to just enjoy Master's orgasms, and to never again experience climax myself.

Master pauses. And then, the next surprise breaks my heart.

This is too much, he says. I can not ask this of a slave. You can have this if you want, but if you do want this, you can not continue to be my slave.

I am in tears at hearing this. I know I have gone too far.

And what of this pregnancy, surrogate idea? Do you want that also?

Crying, yes, I have said. I don't know what to do.

But he cuts me off. This has been convening to happen for some time. I know you want to make a sacrifice for me. I know we are financially needy. But there is no way I can accept a sacrifice of this magnitude, it is not something I could ever feel comfortable asking, he says.

He continues. For some time it has been apparent that my desires are driving more our sexual life than his. He is quite happy with this nonetheless, and likes my desire to pleasure him so much. He is very pleased with how this orgasm denial has transformed me. But at this point, I am no longer a slave. I am constantly topping from the bottom. I am asking for favors from him to make me more horny, presumedly as punishment, but really because I want them. And more hurt - he has tired of me as a domestic slave. He wants someone to do this, but he has seen my enthusiasm for it go down the toilet, so to speak. My only enthusiasm now, it seems, is for the bedroom.

But not all is lost. He still loves me, and he wants us to be together, just no longer as Master and slave. He is not anymore my master, he is simply he, a dominant, and there is me, a submissive. That I enjoy submission is wonderful, and he is greatful to me for this gift.

And so the final surprise comes. He wants me to stay with him. He wants me to pursue my current goals and sexual desires. He finds it incredibly arousing and kinky that I really do want to never orgasm again, and just pleasure him, but he is unable to ask that of one he controls. So I am no longer to be in his control. I am to be his submissive companion, to be taken on as an equal partner, and to give up my slave status.

To do this, I must do what all slaves do - I must purchase my freedom. And there can be no better way than what I have proposed, sacrificing nine months of my life to give another couple the miracle of life, earning easily enough money to settle our debts and actually put as ahead.

The biggest shock of all comes at the end... he realizes still wants a domestic servant, and potentially, a vaginal partner (yes, I will become his anal slave, as I desire), and so we are to search for a new female to take on as a companion for both of us. She will be our servant, and we will share power over her as a couple. She can be my plaything as well as his, although he will certainly never neglect me, as we are equals now, I have power enough over her to determine when she is allowed to be taken by him, if he ever does desire that. And he will, occasionally. It is a bargain I must make if I want to become purely an anal slave, or perhaps, better said now, anal submissive.

But the most important reason to have her is for me. He must work long hours, sometimes travel, and this can be difficult. If I really do want to be completely horny, but never orgasm, I will need a partner always there to help me relax if there are times that he can't. I can learn to enjoy her orgasm instead, and we can share our bed together with her. And when we make love togethether, if I have trouble falling asleep at night because I am still excited after he is finished, I can work out my frustrations with her. And she can provide added benefit for him as well, when that is desired. She need not ever work a job or leave, she can take care of all the domestic chores for us. And while I am pregnant, if my hormones are going crazy, I may even need someone to take care of my needs. We should not do anything too extreme in the way of orgasm denial then, for who can say what effect it will have on a pregnant woman!

Quite a set of shocking surprises. I love my man now more than ever. And so we will be making extra sweet love tonight, for the first time, as equal partners. I may even let myself have an orgasm - but certainly not two. Tomorrow, our search for a new slave will begin.

21.3.2004 Our New Companion

After meeting and interviewing several young women for a role as a domestic live-in slave, we feel we have finally found one that works for us. She can work in the house even, bringing in more income, she works for a call-up psychic service which pays surprisingly well. She is bi, she likes being a servant, and would be happy living with a couple. We tested her by having her cook and clean for us, and I think we both like her quite a bit.

This will be a new experience for me, and I am sort of curious to see what it will be like to make love with a woman. We told her of our desires and goals, that I am submissive, but no longer a slave, I will be carrying a baby as a surrogate, and we will need extra help, and she understands. When I told her of my intense sexual desires, that I wish to eventually live without orgasm, and Mark's idea to have me learn to enjoy another woman's orgasms instead, I think there was a little moment of, Hullo, her eyes got all big, like this sounds unbelivable, too incredible to be true. Maybe she even got a little scared and thought it was a trick. But I told her yes, it is true, eventually I will be giving up orgasm entirely, even having surgery to make that happen, I want to live my life with full, never ending desire, and I would like very much if I could have a partner, a woman, who can have orgasms for me instead.

Does she have difficulty reaching orgasm? Not at all. Does she enjoy being teased and denied? Teased, yes, denied, no. She always is cumming without permission and getting into trouble. To have a couple / slave relationship where she gets to orgasm a lot sounds very wonderful. And all she has to do is obey us and do our household chores. Of course, that cumming without permission, we may have to do something about that.

22.3.2004 New Ground Rules

So Jennifer has worked out wonderfully so far. She enjoys a bit of bondage and physical restriction, and we'll see how that evolves, but we have had some interesting times with her. We have set up some basic rules. More will certainly follow, and evolve of course.

She is responsible for cooking and cleaning every day, and she has permission to leave the house only to pick up medicines, cleaning supplies, or groceries. She is to account for all time spent away from the house and never to leave without permission except in an emergency. She is never to have company over, not even maintenance people, unless one of us is also present.

We thought a bit about how we should work in the bedroom. Up till now, it has been a new process for us, and certainly for me. I have gotten to play with Jennifer and let her play with me, and for now, my orgasm restrictions are gone, that whole process is very much up to me now, and Mark and Jennifer will merely help support me through whatever transformations I decide to undertake. I have enjoyed bringing her to climax quite a bit, she is very orgasmic, and definitely I like the idea of someday letting her have all the orgasms for me, pleasuring her instead, letting Mark fuck my ass while I go down on her.. in fact we have done that already, and it is already our favorite way to make love. I have also had her bring me to orgasm several times, she is certainly I think very skilled at it, and I am enjoying orgasm again for a while, although we have plans to taper this off again next month.

One thing that does concern us is that I may become jealous when Mark uses her for vaginal sex, something we have decided I am no longer to have. So we have put a compromise in place. Me and Mark have absolute control over our own orgasms, when we have them, or in my case, when I don't want to have them. I am free to pleasure her whenever I want, and Mark is free to fuck her as he pleases, but Mark is only allowed vaginal or oral sex with her, everything else (anal is his favorite) must come from me. Jennifer is never allowed to orgasm with Mark, she is only to be used by him, and never allowed to orgasm without my permission. Of course, I am quite liberal with it, but it means she can not orgasm with Mark unless we are having a threesome and I am there too with her. We don't want her to split me and Mark apart, so this ensures we are always keeping things in balance, aware of what is happening and no-one ever has to get jealous.

We also recognize that rules are not perfect, and sometimes might get broken, either on purpose or by accident. This is something we must accept, but above all else, honesty is paramount. None of us are ever to lie to one another about anything that goes on in our bedroom, household, or relationships, and none of us are ever to punish another until all three of us can sit down and discuss what has happened and what should be done. This honesty and openness must be preserved, we should not have secrets from each other.

The issue has already come up - Jennifer was caught masturbating while cooking dinner as we watched some TV. The result of our discussion on the subject - from now on, she will cook naked, wearing an apron and gloves only when necessary, and very high heels - Mark's contribution - and thighbands to keep her from walking too fast or spreading her legs too far - my contribution. Both items are in the post already. Until they arrive, she is to be denied any orgasm at all, which she can't stand. Quite delicious for me, she will be licking my pussy and giving Mark a blow job every night until they arrive. I picked the slowest possible delivery method for both and saved money on free shipping.

20.6.2004 Designated Doctor

Our intial break-in period has gone well, and I think we all have settled into a very comfortable routine. I am back on denial since mid-April and enjoying Jennifer and Mark's orgasms instead. It really was a good idea to have a third partner! I have much more free time each day, can sometimes work extra shifts, and we are saving a lot more money. I also get a lot more sex than I used to, and I actually even have time for other things, like a yoga class to keep me in shape, and time at home for relaxation in the tub and masturbation - I enjoy that quite a lot now, it is nice to be able to tease and edge myself or to have Jennifer help me when I want it. I never orgasm though, we have tentatively decided that until I find a couple to become a surrogate for and get pregnant, Jennifer will be there to have orgasms for me, and I shall be in denial until then.

In the meantime, we have spent some time looking for a kink friendly doctor, who can give us some medical advice and recommendations for an appropriate course of action. We have found one, very suitable, local, whose name will go unmentioned, and who's conduct had only to be plied with Jennifer and my own charms - no sex, just watching. He quite enjoyed the show and has agreed to help us find a way to safely prevent me from reaching orgasm, permanently. He has agreed to provide us advice and contacts that may be helpful if we provide some entertainment for him as we do. So far it has been pretty fun, me and Jennifer just took turns making very slow love and get to ask him questions, and last time, Mark was fucking me in the ass, asking how he can stop his slut from cumming any more while I eagerly asked sincere questions about what medical steps we could take for the same purposes. The doctor ended up masturbating himself in his pants.

How embarrasing for him! Little does he know, we have wired our apartment - after all, we must begin to trust each other, and what better way to have total honesty than to have everything out there for all to see.

My plans are beginning to become a reality! We are anxious to discuss the next steps with him further, in a more - professional context.

11.7.2004 The Parting Of The Red Sea

It has been determined that one side effect of our plans should definitely be to achieve the ending of my period. Options for that are either hormonal or surgical. Right now I think we are leaning toward the surgical route, as hormones may not be as reliable, and carry a risk of behavioral (read emotional) side effects as well. However, surgery also has risks, of course those related with surgery itself, and potentially, osteoporosis or bone loss if hormone function is totally interrupted.

Surgically, the plan would likely revolve around a hysterectomy, and in addition, another stroke of brilliance - it would be possible to harvest my eggs at the same time, preserving them not for my own fertilization, but selling them as a donor to others. This additional potential income makes for a strong sale point. It should also be possible to preserve the ovaries nevertheless, so there is not an interrupting of my hormone function, removing simply the womb itself.

14.7.2004 A Cut Above The Rest

We have some new inspired ideas! Based on my earlier ideas about 'fixating' my pleasure, we have consulted again with our doctor friend, and he has come up with some interesting medical possibilities. Although medical knowledge in the exact area of female pleasure, specifically, the clitoris, is very limited due to the lack of study, one can make some generalizations from a very well studied organ in the male.

In men, the nervous sensations which produce arousal and erection arise from a different branch or nerves than the sensations which produce orgasm and ejaculation. Well studied references to ill-fated surgical cures for masturbation back in the 1800s as well as contemporary data show that selective blocking of sensation from the top half of the penis reduces the ability to orgasm. While partial blocks merely delay this, complete blocks tend to almost entirely eliminate the potential for orgasm. However, by retaining nerves from the lower half, erection is still possible. This is obviously a source of quite some frustration for those unfortunates who have experienced this through accident or 'intervention'. Perhaps some have even done it intentionally.

The homologue of this should be equally possible in the female anatomy. Of course, there are some differences - the clitoris lacks structures for external rigidity, but the nerves are quite similar. Severing the nerves on the top half of the clitoris should have a similar effect on women, greatly reducing, or potentially, entirely eliminating their ability to reach orgasm, while preserving much of the sensations responsible for arousal and excitability. Quite a delectable combination.

We have decided that for me, this procedure is a must. We will be severing both the right and left dorsal nerves to my clitoris, which should greatly curtail my ability to reach orgasm. The expected result from the medical literature available suggests either total anorgasmia, or difficulty in reaching orgasm as a result. What remains to be seen is how much peripheral sensation remains through the ventral nerves on the bottom half of the clitoris. There should still be enough sensation to feel pleasant arousal when the blood supply is increased, and sensitivity to touch on the bottom half of my clitoris. Whether this will be sufficient to induce orgasm, we can't yet know for sure.

Of course, there is the issue of other sensitive areas, my vagina, my nipples, and of course my g-spot or g-punkt. Any of these areas, alone, or in combination, could certainly make it possible for me to still reach orgasm - and this is not totally undesired. Certainly, it would take longer and require a more concentrated effort, giving us much more control over how and when I should be brought to climax. But one thing we have settled on for sure is the elimination of my most obvious and most sensitive triggers for reaching orgasm, and right now, that is any intense clitoral sensation.

With this procedure, our doctor friend estimates that I may expect to lose 60-90% of my clitoral sensation, and even speculates that I may not be able to reach a 'fast' orgasm anymore, I may be only able to have a slower, more internal orgasm, perhaps without a discernable peak, as described by some victims of FGM. One thing he doesn't expect is the total disappearance of orgasm - it having been reported in women who literally have no innervation of the clitoris, or even any clitoris at all, and the presence of the large nerve cluster at the G-spot means it is quite likely I shall still be able to orgasm for some time.

Just very unlikely to be able to achieve it with masturbation... so potentially permanently denied any ability to self-pleasure, totally dependent on a partner to reach climax... oh how delightful.

19.7.2004 Preliminary Plans

So we have talked further and got an opinion from several doctors, and also been reading a lot of medical journals. We believe it is possible to make my dream of becoming an anal slave even more of a reality than we thought possible. It is possible, although unusual, to actually perform a vaginectomy as part of a hysterectomy. Basically, we will disconnect the fallopian tubes from the uterus, and the entire structure, the womb, cervix, and vagina, will be separated and prolapsed externally. At this point, a procedure called a laser vaginectomy can be quite easily performed, as everything is simply turned inside out. The end result will be a small band of (likely) sensitive tissue, leaving no hole at all where my vagina was! This is sometimes performed in elderly patients who have already suffered a prolapse of some kind - in my case, it will be intentional. The ovaries will be retained to preserve normal hormone function. This will all be done as an immediate after care procedure in the hospital following giving birth.

I will also retain my labia and all the surrounding structures, and as part of a separate procedure, we will permanently numb the upper portion of my clitoris. We could actually do this now, but because this step alone could permanently end my ability to orgasm, we are going to wait until after the delivery as well, as none of us think it is a good idea for me to go through a pregnancy without the ability to having some way to releive whatever tensions, hormones, or emotions my body decides to throw on me.

Right now we're busy with all the hooblah, examinations, and medical and legal paperwork necessary to finalize the surrogate process.. I'll be available to couples on a waiting list soon, and it should be much longer that the whole thing is underway.

1.8.2004 Pregnant!

Faster than I would have thought! We're already pregnant. I was a good candidate physically, and Mark has made it clear him and his 'sister' are there to support me, making sure I can get regular checkups and maintain a healthy diet. I know this is a big moment, I suppose it hasn't sunken in yet, but right now, we're off to celebrate with a bottle of wine.. just a small drop for me of course, but my real celebration is coming later.

We're finally out of debt - thanks to me, and I'm finally out of denial and about to enjoy it. Both Mark and Jennifer have offered to go down on me tonight as a reward, and I'm going to take both of them up on it... and I'm going to orgasm many times with each of them.

5.10.2004 A Brilliant Disguise

One thing troubling us about our medical plans is coming up with a plausible ruse to getting the surgeries that I have planned. It's not like you can really just walk up and ask for this, and it's not easy to just bribe a doctor when they could face losing their license. Instead, what we have done is a little creative research and bending of the rules. We have some leverage over our Doctor friend, which is best better left unsaid, so he has been pulled into the act. We don't intend to actually make any doctor bend his ethics, so instead, we have to come up with plausible reasons for all parts of the procedure. Right now, the most plausible reason for a hysterectomy / vaginal prolapse and removal is the big C word - with proper referrals and diagnosis, most doctors being happy to over-treat their patients, and gentle nudging from my new primary care physicians, we can doctor shop to find what we want. The easiest part is actually the surgery, surgeons rarely question an operating order, so all we have to do is find an oncologist who will write the order.

Unfortunately, the only thing we haven't been able to disguise is the dorsal nerve separation (properly known as a dorsal neurotomy). No surgeon is going to do this without knowing the result, and any reasonable surgeon is going to question the procedure severly. Certainly, if we combine it with the laser vaginectomy, suspicions will be aroused and the whole process could fall apart.

Thus, I will have to live with full clitoral sensation for a while, and have a separate procedure to numb my clit. Hopefully it can happen soon! This part is actually really easy, it can be done as an outpatient in a few minutes with just a local. Maybe I can convince our doctor to do it... or even find a willing plastic surgeon who might consider it. I hope to not have to go to an underground practioner, certainly, we want this to be a precise operation.

Perhaps our doctor has a friend who might be kink-friendly... we shall see. In the meantime, I will not give up the dream of permanently numbing my clit... we've tried some topical applications and so far nothing really works quite good enough, they wear off, but experimenting with medications and needles is off for now because of the pregnancy.

12.12.2004 Anal Override

We have finally figured out what to do with that pesky and most troubling of areas, that being my Graffenberg spot. Even after the vaginectomy, I will still have sensitivity here, and although direct vaginal pressure on the area will no longer be possible, it will be possible to stimulate it indirectly by applying pressure from my anus. As an experiment, recently, we tried using a vibrator, pressing directly against the pelvic wall. We do find a spot that brings rather intense sensations of pleasure to me, and so in the name of science, we must investigate.. I had Jennifer massage my nipples and rub my buttocks and thighs while I held the vibrator in place. It takes some control to hold directly in place, but it will be even easier once the vagina is no longer in place - the front of my pelvic wall will be secured to the back. In any case, even with this difficult situation, I was able to reach orgasm. It wasn't the most stunning orgasm I've ever had, but with practice, it would certainly be possible to recreate at will.

This was several weeks ago, and I don't mind so much having the orgasm, as I am pregnant anyway, and for now Mark is using Jennifer to take care of his needs, but it was troubling me that I might never find a good solution to eliminate the possibility of g-spot orgasms. It's obviously not a good idea to remove the whole deep chunk of nerves and blood vessels, not only is it needlessly difficult and risky surgically, but it's also likely to eliminate most if not all of my peripheral sexual sensations, which is entirely not what I want. I want to be able to feel desire, arousal, an edge or rim of sensation, light gentle engorgment of the clitoris and surrounding area, like a good butt massage or gentle rubbing of the breasts (not the nipples!), all those kind of wonderful sensations, just without any possibility of reaching orgasm.

Well, I had a great idea just last night as I was about to fall asleep, I felt the baby in my womb, feeling full, and I had an incredibly devious idea. After we remove my vagina and uterus, there will be an empty cavity inside of me. Over time, my body will adjust to it, and my insides will readjust, but there is an even better thing that can be done. If we instead, fill the area with something, much in the same shape, like a rigid plastic separator, it would be held firmly in place by sutures and the cavity above the womb - and it would protect the front of what used to be my vaginal wall from pressure from the back. In that case, it would isolate my g-spot completely from all sensation, letting the nerves there do their function in carrying on peripheral sensation, but not getting any of the good feelings that the g-spot produces when stimulated directly. Combined with my clitoral nullification, it should be quite effective at eliminating my last remaining potential for orgasm!

23.12.2004 Infernal Deviance

Well I anxiously await my sexual nullification, I'm instead quite paradoxically enjoying orgasms more than ever. The pregnancy has driven my hormones wild. The plan I have so far is brilliant, evil, devious indeed. Putting a shield in my vagina to thwart g-spot sensation was a brilliant stroke of genius.

But it was not yet deviant.

Once it is inside and sealed up in me, I'll have achieved most of my plan - no more periods, no more vaginal intercourse, no more g-spot sensation, and definitely no way to reverse these procedures. My nipples and clit will be taken care of in different ways, also in permanent ways, but one thing that is going to require constant maintenance is my hormone levels. It is likely that my desire will drop eventually as part of the normal aging process. My goal is to avoid this, and in fact to increase my libido well outside of the ordinary expected range. I want my sexual desires to run wild, I want to spend as much time as possible with Jennifer and Mark, pleasuring them, I want Mark to use me every night, going down on Jennifer while he does, and I never want to be releived myself, only satisfied through giving more orgasms to others, living in a state of total sexual arousal, craving my partners climax always and never getting one of my own.

What if this implanted device inside of me actually contained the hormone dosage I required, one that would boost my libido to say 3 or 4 times my current level, always secreting hormones to make me horny from this plastic device inside me, one that can't be removed, ever, leaving me permanently horny, and also without orgasm at the same time!

I masturbated myself to sleep after this idea, it was simply so outrageous and so infernal that I knew I had stumbled on something great. Jennifer woke during my third orgasm, and I had her go down on me to finish me off... pregnancy, of course, has its benefits. Today I will research whether this idea is actually feasible.

14.1.2005 Birthing Plan Finalized

We have finished the doctor shopping and finalized our birthing plan. The birth itself will be unremarkable, and I will give up the baby right away to the parents. We have convinced an oncologist that I have a medical need for a vaginectomy and hysterectomy as treatment for advanced cervical cancer - but of course, we must hold off until after delivery, and then must act radically because of my family history (obtained with the help of our friend). One nice thing about being pregnant is the required tests for diagnosis can not be invasive, and so results are easily skewed or doctored in our favor.

My idea the other day for an implanted hormone dispensor was a stroke of pure genious. It turns out such a thing is possible. Doses of testosterone, which increases libido, are much smaller for women. Studies have shown as low as 300uG of testosterone daily can increase libido and incidence of 'satisfying sexual encounters' by up to 4 times in aging women. After some research, we have decided my dose will be 450uG a day - not enough to trigger masculinizing effects, but enough to certainlye boost my libido a lot. And with 10G of testosterone, 450 micrograms a day, 365 days a year, it will last... 60 years. For a man, it might not be enough, but for a woman, it is possible to fit a lifetime supply of testosterone inside the walls of her former vagina and womb!

It will be expensive to have such a custom device fabricated, but we have good MRI data from before my pregnancy (done to check for any internal defects and gauge womb size prior to implantation) that will allow the proper sizing and fit of such a device. And then it will be sewn inside of me, permanently preventing any stimulation of my G-spot, and keeping me permanently horny. The greatest triumph is the plausible reason for such an implant - a high dose local chemo treatment designed to kill any remaining cancer cells. We are having it fabricated now by a medical group in Germany. The money from being a surrogate has certainly come in handy!

The crowning touch is what will be done to my clit. Our doctor can not do it himself, but he does have a friend who is a plastic surgeon. Due to the obvious trauma I will have to undergo, I will need some reconstructive surgery. This will give the doctor a chance to work with his own team, without questions - and they will provide a way to 'enhance' my sexual life by removing my clitoral hood. During the procedure, there will be some blood, and to stop the bleeding, it has been arranged for the plastic surgeon to substitute a clamp with a scalpel. Instead of clamping my dorsal artery to halt blood to the area, he will sever my dorsal nerves on each side, permanently numbing the top of my clit.

He understands that it will likely be impossible for me to orgasm after this procedure, and it took quite some convincing to get him to go along with it. I am still surprised at how large he was. This is the only time I have ever allowed anyone other than Mark to fuck me back there. Mark knew, but would not watch, instead he videotaped it... in case we ever need it, I am there asking the surgeon to do exactly what he will do.. and he is caught incriminatingly on tape. We have let him know it will be destroyed after he has numbed my clit.

Well on my way, now all I can do is wait, and spend my nights anxiously waiting the day this will all happen! Only a few months to go, and I can't wait. Jennifer and Mark are calling me from the other room - they are to indulge me again tonight, but after this, I think I will try to go without orgasm for the rest of my pregnancy, and then, hopefully, forever.

7.5.2005 Birth! And oh my god.

It is done. Let me tell you, it was not a pleasant experience at all, I am still and expect to be for weeks. We had received the implant from Nurnberg Biotek GmbH just a week ago, barely in time. Our doctor was out of town at a conference and we almost had to reschedule everything! Fortunately, he had not planned to stay for the whole thing.

In spite of all the crises, it is finished. Giving birth was the strangest and most endearing experience I have ever had. I felt like a mother, for the only time I will have that experience, and then the baby was taken away, but despite this, I was not sad as I thought, I was not feeling guilt or remorse, I felt blessed to have brought life to another couple that could not have had it otherwise. It was somehow a validation to me of myself as a woman, strangely right before that womanhood was destroyed.

I had to be put under for the surgery, but we do have a video of the procedure. I haven't watched it yet, and am not sure I ever want to. I'm just happy to know it is done. It went pretty much as planned, although I was a bit groggier than I had hoped to be when I was woken up for the 'reconstruction'. I swear the surgical team knew exactly what was going on and were fucking with my head. Strangely, we don't have a videotape of that procedure.

Here's the result. My uterus is gone, along with my vagina. They were cut out and lasered off. Inside me is a low dose, slow release testosterone capsule that will continue to release T for about 60 years, keeping my sex drive alive and well for the rest of my life. I will never have a period ever again, nor will I experience vaginal sex, it's all gone. Inside me, the capsule is sewn into place directly behind my g-spot, keeping it insulated from any stimulation. I can still feel it! It must be the result of the hormones, but I can feel what I describe as a bulb of pressure, tingling nervous and sexual sensation that doesn't stop. Course I have no way to directly stimulate it.

Outside, I have a smooth roughly vertical line where my vagina used to be. I wasn't expecting it to have a lot of sensation, but I was expecting it to be somewhat sensitive; it is not. And now for the most interesting part. My clitoral hood was removed, and my dorsal nerves were cut. I swear the doctor told me he was doing it to keep me a good slut as he did it. The result.. I'm too sore to tell fully, but I have no sensation in the top part or tip of my clit. I still have sensation in the lower part, where it continues along my labia. My entire labia minora were removed, and now my clit stands out as the sole feature of my new, 'designer vagina'. I haven't yet attempted to reach orgasm, as there is still too much internal pain and soreness.

Mark and Jenniffer have been great at helping with my recovery. I was discharged on Monday and have been resting in bed, watching TV, and drinking a lot of wine, something I couldn't enjoy again until now. I'll let you know how it goes when I recover a bit more.

27.5.2005 Tease Button!

The hormones have had a greatly stronger effect than I had anticipated. I got my wish, for sure. I'm now 100% horny, 100% of the time. At first, I had trouble sleeping, but then I got so tired and the past few weeks I guess I've developed a tolerance and come back to a bit of balance. However, being always ready to go has been rewarding. I don't know how I'll go back to keeping a job or anything. Basically I stay home all day, having sex with Jennifer, or watching TV and rubbing my partially numb clit. I can still orgasm, but it takes freaking forever!

And most of all, it doesn't do anything to stop my horniness. As a result, I had Mark and Jennifer decide my fate, and for the next three months, I will not be having any more orgasms. I really don't know how I'll deal with that.

Is this what it feels like to be a teenage boy? My clit is virtually permanently engorged. But it is so numb, it takes hours of rubbing around and under it to get any effect. The last time I reached orgasm, I had started playing with it at 10 in the morning; I didn't climax till 4 in the afternoon, and that was with lots of help from Jen. I'm having problems with chafing and have to keep it oiled when not in use. Which is so exciting in itself, I almost can't stop rubbing it.

We've now renamed my clit, as my 'Tease Button'. It feels so good to have it licked, the sensation is directly sexual, not like my nipples, which are more of an indirect and general sexual sensation, my clit is like the nerve pathway, the true sexual center. The only problem is now it is about 10 times less sensitive. I'd say it's probably half as sensitive as my nipples! That makes it incredibly difficult to orgasm, but the direct stimulation is both a turn on and an amazing tease.

I've almost got what I wanted.. if only it were truly impossible for me to orgasm, my fate decided forever.. then I would not have to worry about it anymore.

I have to go, I'm about to be fucked in the ass. And I'm going to play alot with my tease button during that! No more orgasms for three months, I don't know how I'll manage.

12.8.2005 Faster and Faster

Today marks a milestone - fastest orgasm yet. After the three months were over, I wanted a taste again. 3 hours and 40 minutes later, it was done. Since then, I've had another, 2 hours and 15 minutes, and I had a mind shattering orgasm, one I'm still recovering from. My heart was beating so fast, it was like the orgasm came out of my heart itself. I almost thought I was having a heart attack, but there wasn't any pain, just pleasure - pleasure so intense it was actually almost scary. Only Jennifer has the patience to keep up with me, so all my orgasms come from her now. Mark just fucks me in the ass every night and falls asleep.

It appears the longer I've had the testosterone in me, the easier it is to cum. I have regained a lot of sensation along the scar line where my vagina used to be, I guess it has re-innervated, and now when I am licked there, it feels really good and I get really excited. Certainly, this means in time, we might have to take some additional steps. For now, we have taken one, and that is a six-month break-in. Now that I can cum reliably again, despite my almost numb clit, I'm giving up cumming again.

Six months, here we go. Next time it will be a year.

15.2.2006 V-Day Decision

Yesterday was valentines day, which marked the end of six months of total orgasm denial. We had agreed the next step would be one year. But I've been putting this off for so long. My fantasy was always been permanent orgasm denial. It takes me longer than most women, but I still can orgasm, I am clocking in around 45 minutes to an hour now. That's pretty good for not even having a pussy and having a near totally numb clit.

But it's not good enough. So I've decided, this year, my clit has to go. For now, I like being licked between my legs, I guess it is the pressure and the reminder of how that used to feel, but I've given serious thought to having my outer labia sutured together, and giving up all genital sensation, forever. I think it would be really sexy for me to have a totally smooth mound, and just get breast, pubic and anal massage. My nipples are hard just thinking about it.

With no genital sensation at all, it should definitely be impossible for me to orgasm. I've never come close to being able to have an orgasm just by having my breasts rubbed, and I think I'd like to have my nipples be my only source of stimulation.

We're in the process now of finding someone to remove my clit; this shouldn't be too hard, considering the hood is already gone, and it's already half numb!

Can't wait to descend into true orgasmlessness! I've been waiting for this a long time.

27.4.2006 Casting Off The Pearl

I had my clit removed last Monday, and now the bandages are off. To be honest, it didn't hurt much at all, mostly because of the fact it was already numb. Surprisingly, little change in my sensitivity, my pink canyon is still just as excitable as ever. BIG change in my ability to orgasm. I may have done it this time. I tried using toys and plenty of lube, vibrator pressed right against me, and I wore out the batteries, twice! Yesterday I tried again, this time I spent more than 8 hours, got Jennifer to put in a couple hours of licking me as well. Well, she had plenty of orgasms, but I had not one.

I just had the visible part of my clit removed, not the roots underneath, so I can kind of still feel it nicely engorged beneath the surface, but I haven't been able to stimulate it. I've given up trying to experiment for an orgasm for now, we'll see how it feels as time progresses.

Right now I'm happily sucking Marks cock, I'm going to put it in my ass until I feel his hot goo shoot inside me. I love that feeling so much, I love making my lover cum, knowing I can't do that anymore myself.

I think my fantasy is finally realized.

9.8.2006 Sweet Surrender

After months of trying off and on to see if I could still climax, I've reached a conclusion .. nope, not gonna happen. I've resigned myself to a life free of orgasm now. I even gave up masturbating - I've really got nothing left to stimulate... although it's really fun to 69 with Jennifer and get my smooth mound licked, with no clit in the way to stop her tongue, and no pussy left to finger, it just drives me wild knowing I'm giving her those sensations, those things I will never feel again.

But I wanted it this way. Passive sex has become my way now, I just enjoy pleasing my partners, as always, but it's a huge and extreme step in the process of surrender to know that what you've done is permanent.

I for one, look forward to my wild life, my insanse sex drive, giving orgasms to one person or another morning, noon, and night, and never getting that favor returned, because that is what I enjoy.

I guess I'm a freak, but I can honestly say I've never felt better or happier to have finally achieved what I consider to be the ultimate in sweet surrender.

I hope you enjoyed my story

Love, Holly