Sander -- the conclusion

"I won't get to keep my boy parts, will I?" I asked.

"I'm afraid not," said Matti.

I started crying. Through my tears, I saw tears begin to well up in Matti's eyes. "Don't cry, Sander. It'll all be okay. It won't change how I feel about you. I'll still love you, when you're a nullo."

He loves me! Matti said that he loved me. Other than from my father, I don't think that I've ever wanted to hear that so much from another person. I'd loved Matti since the first time I'd seen him. "You -- you love me?"

"Of course I love you, Sander. Everyone that meets you falls in love with you. I'm certain Chris has. I did the first moment I saw you."

That's how I felt about Matti. "But -- but why?"

"You're beautiful, Sander," he said, kissing the end of my nose and wiping the tears from my eyes, "but it's more than that -- much more than that. You care about people, even about people who don't deserve your concern. You're intelligent, too." Then he added, smiling and winking as he did, "What's there not to love?"

"I was a slave for five years," Matti said. "During that time, I met many boys who had been nullified. Almost none of them wanted it at first, but after a few weeks as a nullo, most of them had adjusted to it. After six months, most said that they were glad they had been desexed."

"Chris says that he's glad it was done to him, but I don't understand how he can be. I like having a dick and balls, especially my dick. I like stroking it. Besides, I like to pee standing up. I don't want to have to squat like a girl."

" It's not so bad, Sander. Lots of times I'll sit down to pee."

" Yeah, maybe inside, but I'll bet you never do outside, and at least you have a choice. Chris doesn't. He has to squat no matter where he is."

"Listen to yourself, Sander. You're getting all hung up over such a little thing, whether you'll be able to stand to pee. After a few weeks you will of forgotten all about it. Squatting to pee will be just as natural as sitting down to take a dump."

"Well," I said, beginning to cry again, "it's not just that. It's like I just discovered my dick, and now everyone wants to cut it off. Before, I thought it was just for peeing. Until I came here, I didn't know how much fun it was to have a cock. I like sex. I like fucking and I like having my dick sucked. I just found out how good it feels, and now Ben wants to cut it off. My balls, too."

"I know," said Matti, "and I think that is cruel that they do it that way. They should nullify the boys as soon as they bring them on to the island, so they don't know what they're going miss, but I guess it wouldn't be so exciting to castrate a boy if he doesn't know what he's about to lose. First they teach you to love your cock, then they cut it off. Still, in the long run, most boys are glad they have been nullified."

"Yeah, you can say that. You still have yours. You don't really know what it's like to be a nullo."

"No, but Chris does. Talk to Chris. He'll tell you that he likes being a nullo."

"But, he has no choice. He is a nullo, and has been for so long that I don't think he really remembers what it was like to have a dick. I guess if they cut mine off, I'll say I like it, too. I think they brainwash the kids into believing they like being nullos."

"Would you want to be like all the men come to the island, who are ruled by their cocks -- by that testosterone that their balls make? Look at all the money, time, and energy they waste chasing after sex. That'll never happen to you. Don't you realize how free that will make you?"

I was becoming confused. What Matti said made sense. Chris had said much the same thing, and I didn't want to be like that client who fucked Timmy on the beach in front of everybody. I liked sex, but felt that it should be done in private with someone you loved. That guy didn't love Timmy. He was just a hole to stick his cock in. He wanted to fuck me, and would have in front of Timmy, even if it had broken the little guy's heart. No, I wouldn't want to be like the the men who came to the island, not even like Ben -- or like my father.

"Why don't you get nullified, then?" I guess I was asking the question a little out of spite. I certainly didn't want Matti to be nullified. I liked his cock. I liked having it in my boy pussy. I guess if one of us had to lose his cock it would be better if it were me. I could do little more than tickle Matti's hole with mine, I loved having his up my ass. Yeah, I liked my dick, but I loved Matti's.

"Do you think I'm like the others?" asked Matti.

"Well, no," I said.

"I don't think I could ever become like them. Maybe it's because I was a slave for five years myself. I know what it feels like to be treated as a sex object. I could never do that myself."

"But if it is so great to be a nullo, why don't you want to be one?"

"It's too late for me. I've already been through puberty Boy juices, flowing from my balls, have already changed me. Besides, I know what it's like to come. I don't want to give it up. You wouldn't understand, because you can't do it. I know you have orgasms, but it's not altogether the same. For the last couple of years my climaxes have been centered around my dick. I don't know whether I could still have them any other way. I would hate to have my dick and balls cut off and then find out I couldn't have an orgasm."

"What about me?" I asked. "What if I can't have an orgasm after I'm nullified?"

"When do you have your best orgasm, when you stroke your dick or when I fuck your boy pussy?"

I didn't really have to think about it. The orgasms I had when I stroked my cock were beach break. The ones I had when Matti fucked me were tsunamis. When I didn't answer, he said, "They're better when I fuck you, aren't they?" I nodded my head.

"That won't change, then. Neither your dick or your balls have anything to do with that orgasm. Your balls aren't making any boy juices yet. They play no part in any of your orgasms, but mine play a big part in mine. It would change me to have my balls cut off. I would become a different person. I guess I'd still be me, but I'd be different."

"It won't change you to have your balls cut off. Just the opposite, it'll keep you from changing. It'll keep you the same sweet kid you are now. I might want to keep my balls now, but if I were your age, I would willingly give them up. Puberty is Hell. I wouldn't want to go through it again."

I still wasn't convinced. Maybe it wouldn't be so bad. I wasn't particularly in love with my balls. They were kind of weird, the way they hung in a sack below my dick, and it sure as hell hurt when they were hit. Mostly, they were just in the way. "Do you think Ben would agree to just cut off my balls and let me keep my dick?"

"I doubt it. He never has before. He likes for his slaves to be nullos."

"But, he let you keep yours."

"Yeah, I'm the only one he ever has."

"Why? Why did he let you keep yours?"

"It's a long story, and I don't have time for it right now. I'm already late for an appointment with Ben, and he'll be pissed if I keep him waiting. Call up Chris. I'm sure he'd like to come over."

Matti gave me a kiss, a quick one which just caught the corner of my mouth, then hurried out the door. I wondered whether he really had an appointment with Ben, or whether he just didn't want tell me why Ben had let him keep his cock and balls. Anyway, I didn't want to sit in my room by myself, so I called up Chris and invited him over.

"What's up?" he said, when he walked into my room. Maybe it was the look on my face. I was still wondering about Matti, why Ben had let him keep his cock and balls.

" Not much," I said, then I lost it. I started crying again. "I'm scared, Chris. I don't want to become a nullo."

"Hey, I didn't want to become one either. Most kids don't. But, I like it now. I wouldn't want to have a dick and balls and be led around by them like all the men that come to the island. They are the real slaves -- slaves to their cocks and their balls. I like sex, but I wouldn't want to need it like they do."

"Doesn't it hurt when they're cut off?"

"Yeah," said Chris, gazing off in the distance, possibly remembering when his were cut off. "It hurts -- a lot."

"Why don't they give you a shot or something to keep it from hurting? I know they could if they wanted to."

"It's all part of the ceremony. It's got to hurt. The more the boy screams, the more those watching get off on it. They give you something right away, though, so it doesn't hurt for long."

I felt myself getting a stiffy. I don't know why, but thinking about having my dick cut off made it hard. When I covered it with my hand, Chris laughed and said, "That happens all the time. Kids don't want to have their wieners cut off, but it gets hard when they think about it. That's another reason I'm glad I don't have a pecker. No one knows whether I'm turned on or not. It only takes a glance at your pecker to see whether you are."

I tried to will it down, telling it to shrink, but it stood straight out, jerking up and down. "Come on," said Chris, pulling me down onto the bed. "No need to waste it."

He raised his legs, guiding my little dick into his boy pussy. I knew my cock wasn't much, tiny compared to those of the men who had fucked him. Still, he moaned as I pumped it into his hole. I think he climaxed. I know I did, not a tsunami, but more than beach break. We lay wrapped in each other's arms. I could feel his breath on my cheek.

Maybe I didn't love him as much as I loved Matti, but it was close. I'd had friends before, but none like Matti and Chris. Of course, I'd never fucked any of them. Until I came to the island, I didn't even know one boy could do it to another boy.

The world had become a different place, turned upside down. I had always looked to my father for protection, but he had sold me into slavery. Money was more important to him than I was. Now, I was going to have my balls cut off. I would never have a son of my own. I would never be the father I wanted mine to be. My father's line ended with me. And, he didn't care. He had the money. That was more important to him than grandsons -- or me.

After Chris left, I lay in bed rubbing my dick, wondering what it would be like to be smooth like Chris. A little boy's dick, mine wasn't much, but I liked having it. I didn't want to have cut off. Besides, it would hurt, maybe like Chris said, not for long, but it would hurt. That scared me. I couldn't stand pain.

I wasn't sure I wanted to be a slave anyway. I liked making love to Matti and Chris, but I wasn't sure I wanted to do it with a client. Matti's body was hard and smooth. Many of them were fat and hairy. It was one thing to have someone that you loved fuck you. It was another to have someone fuck you just because he liked your boy pussy.

Besides, was a nullo still a boy? Being a nullo would be forever. While I might be accepted on the island, what about afterward? Wouldn't I be some kind of freak? I'd sure never seen a nullo before coming to the island. I remembered the first time I'd seen one here, how shocked I'd been.

What would it be like in school afterward? In PE, the other boys would see that I had no dick or balls. I know they would laugh at me and tease me.

I kept rubbing my dick. Pretty soon I came. I shuddered and thrust my hips forward trying to ram my little cock into my fist. Nothing came out of it, of course, but it felt good. I'd seen Matti shoot his wad. I wanted some day to be able to do it, too. That's when I decided I didn't want to become a nullo. Ben had let Matti keep his sex. Maybe he would let me keep mine, too. I got up off my bed and went to look for him.

I found him in his office. "Hello, Sander," he said when I walked into the room. "Matti tells me your training is coming along great. He says you'll be ready soon."

"Does that mean you'll cut me soon?

"Actually, Sander, you're scheduled for next Saturday."

"No!" I shouted, "I don't want to become a nullo. You let Matti keep his sex. Why do you have to desex me?"

"You knew when he signed the contract that it would probably happen."

"Yeah, but I didn't know anything about sex then. I didn't know how good it felt."

"Sander, I bought you so I could cut you. I would have never paid so much money otherwise. I'm going to lose money on you anyway. No client will pay so much. I bought you because you're beautiful. I want to preserve that beauty. I can only do that by cutting off your balls, and without your balls, you don't need your dick. A smooth crotch is beautiful. Your cock would mar that beauty."

"But," I asked, "what does it matter to you whether I stay beautiful or not?"

"I started out," Ben answered, "in this business to make money, and I have, a lot of money. It's no longer about money. I have more than I can never spend, but somewhere along the way, I found that I enjoyed nullifying boys, the more beautiful the boy, the more I enjoyed it. You're beautiful, Sander, the most beautiful boy I've ever seen. For that reason, I expect to enjoy nullifying you more than I have all the others combined. In some ways, you're my crowning achievement."

I thought all the time that Ben was just in it for the money. I hadn't realized that he was no different from the clients, another perverted asshole that got off on neutering and fucking little boys. Of course, my dad was no different. If he hadn't been saving me for Ben, he would've probably fucked me himself.

"I want my contract back. I don't want to be a slave."

"It's a little late for that, Sander. You signed the contract. I've already deposited the money into your trust fund."

"I'll give it back."

"What about your father? Do you think he would give his back as well?"

I hadn't thought about that. My father needed the money. No, I don't guess he would give it back. He probably didn't even miss me. As if reading my mind, Ben said, "Besides, even if he gave it back, what would you be going back to, poverty and a father that resented you for taking away the one chance he had?"

"If I give you back my money and serve out my contract as a slave, will you let me keep my boy parts then?"

Ben thought for a minute. "That's a lot of money, Sander, enough to make you wealthy for life. Is your dick and balls really worth that much money to you? Matti tells me that you like for him to fuck you. He says you even have orgasms. You don't need your dick or balls for that. Hell, Sander, your balls aren't doing anything for you yet. You wouldn't even miss them. Actually, I think you'd find a nice not having them hang down in the way. Just think. It wouldn't hurt to get hit down there like it does now."

"Yeah, but I like having my dick. I like to have it sucked. It feels good. Besides, I want to be able to to go through puberty and to be able to come like Matti does. I want to be able to shoot a wad like other boys. I don't want to be some nullo freak. Maybe I want to have kids of my own someday."

"Talk to Chris. He likes being a nullo."

"I've talked to Chris. I think you guys have just brainwashed him into thinking he likes it. Besides, how would he know? He'll never know what it's like to shoot a wad. At least let me keep mine until after puberty. Maybe I'll decide to let you cut them off then ."

"Puberty would ruin you, Sander. You'd grow hair around your cock, under your arms, and on your lip. You'd be an adolescent, not a beautiful boy. It would give me no pleasure to nullify you then. I probably wouldn't even bother to do it myself."

"Will you do it, though? Will you take my money and let me keep my boy parts?"

"If that's what you really want. I've never forced a boy into a contract; but I think you're making a mistake. One day you'll wish you had the money. All your dick and balls will ever bring you is heartache."

I signed the papers allowing Ben to withdraw the money from my account, then went to tell Matti and Chris. I found Chris first. He was waiting for me in my room. "Chris," I said, "Ben's not going to nullify me. He's going to let me keep my boy parts."

Chris's mouth dropped open and he stared at me for a minute. "Ben's going to let you keep your boy parts? What made him decide to do that?"

"I gave him back my money."

"You gave them back your money? You idiot! You got twice as much money as I did -- and you gave it back? You're not going to stay? You're going back home? You not going to be a slave?"

"No, I'm staying. I'm still going to be a slave; I just get to keep my boy parts."

"You gave up that much money just to keep your cock and balls? What good are they anyway? I'm glad I don't have mine."

" I think you've just been brainwashed into thinking that."

"No, you're wrong. You think I'd want to be like the clients, led around by my dick, a slave to my balls? At least in a few years I'll be free -- and I'll be rich. Then, I'll have sex only what I want to have it, and only with those I want to have it with. I'll control sex. It won't control me."

Maybe Chris really did like being a nullo. Much of what he said made sense. I didn't want to be like the clients, but what about Matti? He had his dick and balls and he wasn't like the clients. Why couldn't I be like Matti? "Matti is not like the clients," I said, "he kept his boy parts. What makes you think I won't be like him?"

"You fool!" Don't you know why Ben let him keep his?"

"I guess because he wanted to keep them."

"Then you don't know Ben at all. If he'd wanted to keep them, Ben would have just wanted to cut them off that much more. He let Matti keep them because Matti didn't want them. Matti wanted to be a nullo. He never wanted to go through puberty. He became a slave so he'd have them cut off."

"Why doesn't he have them cut off now then?"

"It's too late," said Chris. "He's already gone through puberty. That's what he was trying to avoid. If he had it done now he would just be ball-less, dick-less, adolescent. He wouldn't be a true nullo like I am. He would rather keep his dick and balls than be that."

We were still talking when Matti walked in. "He gave back his money," Chris told him.

"He what?"

"Sander gave back his money so he could keep his boy parts."

A look of horror came over Matti's face. "Why did you do that, Sander?" he asked.

" I like them. I wanted to keep mine like you did."

"But I never wanted mine. I hate them"

"I know. Chris just told me. But if you don't want them, why don't you get them cut off?"

"What would I do then, Sander? I didn't like for clients to fuck me. Maybe, if I'd been a nullo, it would've been different. Maybe they treated me differently because I had boy parts, but -- no matter -- I don't like it. I don't like being fucked and I don't like sucking cock."

"But you sucked my cock."

"That's different," said Matti, "yours is just a little boy dick. You can't shoot. Besides, I knew you were supposed to be cut next Saturday. It excited me to think about that. I wanted to be the last person to ever suck your cock, before you got it cut off. That turned me on."

"You can still fuck me even though I still have my boy parts."

" No I couldn't, Sander. I wouldn't have even been able to get it up, if I hadn't thought you were going to be nullified. The thought of you with an adult cock and balls -- with hair -- makes me want to puke. I love you, Sander, but I can't continue to love you if you keep your boy parts. I can only make love to a nullo -- or does someone I know is about to become one."

Matti turned and walked from the room. I couldn't forget the look of revulsion I'd seen on his face.

"You can still have sex with me," said Chris. It'll be years yet before you hit puberty, besides I like big cocks. I like for Matti to fuck me."

"Matti fucks you?"

"You didn't know?"

"He's my trainer. I thought he just fucked me."

"He might be your trainer, but you're not a nullo. I am. He likes doing it with a nullo."

"You really think he won't love me if I keep my boy parts?"

"If you keep your boy parts, I doubt he'll even speak to you."

"What you mind leaving me alone for a while?" I asked. "I have some things I need to think about."

Chris kissed me on the cheek, then left.

I lay back on my bed -- looked down at my dick and my balls. Were they worth it? Were they worth not only losing all that money, but Matti, too? I suddenly realized that Matti's love was more important to me than anything. What good were my boy parts to me, if I couldn't have him?

I'd only wanted them because I'd thought it would please him. I thought he wanted to suck my cock and have me fuck him as much as I liked sucking his and having him fuck me. But he hated my boy parts. If he hated them, I didn't want them either.

I went back to Ben's office. He didn't seem happy to see me. "What is it now, Sander?" he said.

"I've changed my mind. I want you to nullify me."

"What changed your mind?"

"I had a talk with Matti and Chris. They convinced me it was the right thing to do."

"If you decide to do it now, there's no going back. You won't be able to change your mind again."

"I won't. I'll go through with it."

"This Saturday? As planned?" asked Ben.

Without thinking, I reached down cupping my boy parts with my hand. I was frightened. I was afraid it would hurt. But if losing them meant I could have Matti, then I wanted Ben to cut them off. "Yes. You can cut them off on Saturday. Do I get my money back?"

"You've voided that contract, but I'll draw up another one -- say, at half the price?"

"Half the price!"

"Hey. I'm a businessman, Sander. Take it or leave it."

I signed the contract. What else could I do? My indecision had cost me over $1 million. I was still going to get my boy parts cut off, but for a lot less money.

Chris was happy to learn that I was going to become a nullo like him." You'll like it," he said. "Sure, it'll hurt some when you're cut, and it'll seem strange at first not to have a pecker, but you get used to it. Pretty soon, you'll forget what it was like to even have one."

I kept expecting Matti to come by, certain he'd heard about my decision. But he didn't. All too soon, Saturday arrived. I'll never forget what was like to walk out into the arena and look up to see all the clients and slaves who had come to watch me get cut. They cheered when they brought me out. Chris was there. He smiled and flashed me an OK sign, as if to say, "everything will be all right." I looked for Matti but I didn't see him anywhere. Was I doing it for nothing?

They strapped me down and swabbed my crotch with some kind of liquid. Then I heard more cheering. When I looked around I saw Ben come into the arena. Matti was with him. I thought he looked a little sick. "Hello, Sander," Ben said. "Are you ready?"

I nodded -- I wasn't ready -- but it was too late to back out now.

"I'm not going to cut you," said Ben, "Matti is."

"I'm sorry, Sander," said Matti. "I don't want to do it. After I nullified that other boy, I told myself I'd never do it again, but Ben said that was the only way he would let you be cut; and I want you to be cut. Can you forgive me, if I'm the the one that cuts you?"

"It's all right, Matti. I want you to do it. I'm glad it's going to be you that nullifies me."

"It's going to hurt. They won't give you anything for the pain until it's over. It's part of the ritual. They want to hear you scream. But it won't hurt long. Right after I cut them off, I'll splash on a liquid that will take away the pain."

I smiled at him. "It's OK."

He turned his back. I saw him pick up a small knife off a table. Holding it in one hand, he said, "I'll make it quick."

But it wasn't quick. It seemed to take forever. I'd told myself I wouldn't scream, but I did. I screamed so loud and so long that my throat was sore the next day. As part of the ritual, he had to cut off my nut sack first, then cut off my balls one at a time, pulling them first, stretching the cords, as far as he could, before slicing through them. Only after they lay on the tray along with my nut sack did he cut off my dick. At least, then, it was over. He splashed on the liquid, stopping both the bleeding and the pain.

The ritual over, I was taking to the hospital, where doctors finished my nullification, removing the base of my cock and relocating my pee hole. At the time, I had a catheter in it, but soon, I'd have to sit to pee like Chris.

Both Matti and Chris came to see me in the hospital. "Do you hate me, Sander?" Matti asked.

"No. I'm glad you're the one who cut me."

"But are you glad to be a nullo?"

"Yes, I'm glad." I wasn't really sure I was, but I was a nullo. There was no going back. I would never go through puberty. I would never shoot a wad, but I would have Matti. That was more important to me than having a dick and balls.

Within a week, I was completely healed. I ran my hand over my crotch, amazed at how smooth it felt. I even had an orgasm, by rubbing the area around my pee hole. Maybe I really didn't need a dick and balls.

The first night I was back in my room, Matti came to me. Over and over, he made love to me, filling my boy pussy with his come. I don't know how many orgasms he had, and I lost count of mine. I'm glad I was nullified. That one night was worth it, and -- from the look on Matti's face afterward -- I'm sure there will be many more.