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After he’d finished the laundry, Nate spent the rest of the day doing a great deal of nothing. He stretched out on his bed in his shorts and read a book for a while. He surfed the Internet for a bit, being careful to avoid anything provocative. He sorted through some videos, looking something that he couldn’t find. He organized his room, trying to give some semblance of order to the chaos. He thought about going off to college in the fall, which wasn’t THAT far away, and decided to find something - anything - to do to take his mind OFF of that. It was around lunchtime when Lunch. Nate checked the clock. It was In one smooth movement, he grabbed the towel from the boy’s waist and rolled it. As “Pervert!” He shouted, rubbing at his injured cheek. Nate laughed and threw the towel at him. It spread out as it flew, landing on the boy’s head and covering him. He pulled it off and glared at his older brother. Nate stared back, taking in the sight of the angry boy standing there in a tight red speedo swimsuit. Then he looked down, and saw that Nate started to laugh. “Wasn’t funny!” “Looks like you liked it though,” Nate replied, “Since you popped a boner over it!” “Because I’m almost 18 and you’re 13, kid. I’m the older brother. It’s my JOB to torment you.” Because you’ve got a hard-on poking at your speedo, and I don’t have even have a dick anymore! Instead of doing that, Nate went back upstairs. He wasn’t hungry. He was suddenly horny. He sat down in front of the PC, wondering if anyone would be online that he knew in the afternoon. It was evening in >What’s up?< someone asked. >Hey! It’s 18_n_nodick! How’s it goin’?< someone else asked. >so so< Nate replied. >Where’s the camera?< >I left it off.< >WHY?.< >Yea, man, you’re the only one on here with no dick!.< >There’s some other guys with no balls, but man! You just rock.< >How can you stand it, dude?.< Nate thought for a moment. How DO I stand it? Hell I don’t know! >I just don’t feel like showing myself to the world right now is all.< Nate replied. >I don’t blame you.< >Yea, probably anyone thinks about you is like a dog lookin’ at a piece of meat.< >Huh?.< >I meant, they think ‘all right! HE’S on! I get to see someone with no dick!.< Nate thought about that one. It hit him hard. Is that all I am to these people? Entertainment? Something to get excited and jack off over while they fantasize about something that THEY’LL never do? >How can you even cum, dude?< someone else asked. >I can’t. I mean, not since it was cut off. How am I supposed to do that now?< Nate replied, feeling the frustrations and the familiar feelings of WANT and NEED growing within himself. You wanted this, he reminded himself. No one MADE you do it. No one dragged your ass to >You could use a dildo.< >Someone could assfuck you.< >Yea, you still got a prostate, right?.< Nate thought about it. He’d NEVER had anything in his ass, other than a rectal thermometer when he’d been sick, and the last time that had happened was when he was like twelve or eleven. The more he thought about it, the more he didn’t like it. >My ass is off limits.< Nate typed. >Why?< >Dude, you’re missin’ it! I love it!< >Yea, try it, man! You won’t believe how good it feels and I bet after so long without being able to jerk off, you’re ready to blow!< >You ain’t never cum ‘til you cum by a prostate rubbin’!< Nate shook his head. NO ONE, but no one was going to fuck his ass. THAT was all there was to it. Orgasm or not, he’d just have to deal with it. >I don’t think so.< Nate replied. The chat moved on to diverse other matters, mostly of newer chatters who were hung up on wanting to lose their balls. They talked about being impotent, having to be the submissive, not taking HRT, and not having erections anymore. Nate watched them for a while, chatting in private with those he knew well, then said he had to go. The chat room had worked him up badly, and he could feel a wet spot beginning to form in his shorts. He headed to the bathroom and opted for a cold shower. He stripped off, ran a hand over his crotch, and felt the stubble there. He stepped in and started off warm, lathering up and reaching for his razor. He began shaving as he always did, carefully going over his loose and hanging scrotum and working his way up. He trembled a bit as he came to the smooth skin above the top of the sac, right where his penis should have been. He touched it, felt at it, rubbed it. What have I done? he wondered. You did what you HAD to do. I HAD to do it? Yes. WHY did I have to do it? Because it was all you could think about. Was it? What else did you jack off thinking about? Lee THAT brought Nate up short. He’d meant to call Lee, apologize for being gone for so long! He wanted to talk to him, he missed him, but what if ... what if ... suppose Lee wanted to ... Nate dropped the razor, done shaving, and turned the water to cold. He stood there for a while, shivering, until his teeth began to chatter and he couldn’t stand it any longer. He jumped out the shower and grabbed a towel. As he was drying off, he realized that his balls had pulled up almost INTO him and that his shaven sac was very, very small. He smiled. Yea, there they are. Cold and shrunk up, but still working! Still there. Not like those idiots that think they’ll even WANT to have sex if they get castrated! I guess they don’t realize that the desire goes out with the balls ... lose the cock, keep the desire! Nate finished drying off and pulled his shorts back on. He went to his room and got dressed, just as “MOM!” He screamed. “They ran to town for a bit,” Nate replied, rooting around in his closet for some clean clothes. Suddenly “Tim’s goin’ to the mall this afternoon. You think I could go?” Nate thought about it. “If you put some clothes on, I guess. I mean, if you go like THAT, your dick’s gonna get out and you’ll get arrested.” “Funny,” You don’t know the half of it, kid, Nate thought. “But it’s such a nice little dick, kiddo!” “So am I,” Nate answered, wondering what his little brother would look like with no bump in the front of his red speedos, and only the bulge at the bottom. Stop that, he told himself. “Huh?” “Never mind. Just go take a shower. You smell like a bleach bottle. And don’t whack off in there either! “You wish!” Yea, I DO wish, Nate thought, And wish is about all I can do. He timed the boy’s shower, and found it acceptable. He told “Where the hell have you been man? I heard you took a road trip!” “Yea.” “Why didn’t you invite me?” Because I didn’t know you wanted to go to “It was a spur of the moment thing, Lee. I’m sorry. Next time, maybe.” “Next time? We’ve got college to think about, Nate! And I don’t know about you, but I’m not goin’ to school to party. When we gonna have time?” “I dunno. So, whatcha been up to?” “Work. That’s about all, and workin’ on my car with the old man. You?” “Just hangin’ out, waitin’ for school. I don’t wanna do much of anything.” “We should go DO something, Nate. It’s been weeks! Hell, I thought you’d got abducted by aliens or something! You wanna take in a movie?” “Sounds good to me. When?” “What are you doin’ tonight?” “Nothin’.” “You don’t have to baby-sit that Demon-seed brother of yours do you?” “No, that was last night. The folks are back in town.” “Good. If I was you, I’d castrate him and sell him as a slave.” Nate’s heart almost stopped at hearing the word ‘castration’ come out of Lee’s mouth! In all the years they’d known one another, he’d never heard Lee mention that! Nate’s mind began to run away with him. What if he knows something? What if he’s interested? What if he mentions it? What if he wants to ... oh God! What if he wants to jack off together, like we did right before I left? “You still here?” “Yea, c’mon over. I’ll get ready. We can leave when the folks come back from shopping.” He hung up and watched the clock. Lee was his best friend, but somehow he dreaded his arrival. He hadn’t seen him since he’d gotten back from What if he is? What if I am? So? It’s not like you could DO anything to him. Yea, but he could do things to YOU! Nate thought about the things that had been said on the chat room. He thought about Lee, naked and holding him close. They’d masturbated together since they were thirteen or so, Nate wasn’t really sure, but that had been it. They’d taken turns jacking each other off, and they’d even tried sucking each other off when they’d been about fifteen. THAT performance had been repeated a few times, but Nate remembered that he hadn’t much cared to DO it, and since that wasn’t really fair, they’d sorta tapered off. He thought that maybe Lee realized this too, so in time they settled for just masturbating. “Why the hell am I arguing with myself?” Nate said aloud. When Lee got there, he was so glad to see his friend that he hugged him. His smile was bright, and Nate stared into his eyes. Lee raised an eyebrow. “Uh, sorry,” “No harm done! My fault. I shouldn’t have just up and left.” “So how was it?” Lee asked, coming in and heading to the living room. “How was what?” Nate asked in shock. Get a grip, he didn’t mean anything ... did he? “The trip! What did you while you were there? Nude beaches, bars, what?” “I went to the beach a couple of times,” Nate replied. “It was wild, all right! Everyone walking around naked, but ... well ... I couldn’t get up the nerve to do it.” Lee flushed a bit. “I don’t think I could, either, really,” he admitted. I didn’t do it before, when I had a penis, and I sure as hell didn’t do it after! Nate thought. Then he wondered if Ramon, the adorable eunuch that worked for his doctor, ever went to the beach? Did Ramon get naked? It would certainly be easier to hide the fact that he had no balls, even if his penis was very small. Nate wondered, and thinking about Ramon, and watching Lee, he began to get hot. Shit, now you’ve done it, he berated himself. In his mind he could see the boy, sixteen or seventeen, whatever age he’d been, walking naked on the beach with his smooth, firm body. How much does he have to work out? Wonder what he eats? Wonder what he does if ... “Hello?” Lee shouted. “Huh?” “You zoned out on me, Nate,” Lee replied. “Sorry. I was just thinking about ... about ... someone I met in Lee smiled. He looked at Nate, his grin broad. Nate could feel himself tensing up inside, almost feel like his erection was going to bust his shorts at any time, but that couldn’t happen! It felt like it though, but he knew that even if ran to the bathroom, he’d find nothing there waiting on him! “A girl?” Lee asked. “Huh?” “Or a boy?” Lee asked again, his grin broader. Nate didn’t know what to say. He couldn’t tell him about Ramon, could he? He couldn’t lie to his best friend, but he sure as hell couldn’t tell him the truth either! “I was just thinking about this kid I saw on the beach,” Nate explained. “A kid?” Lee asked, his eyes wide. “Well, he was our age, not a kid-kid like You’re a boy with no dick. Go ahead, tell him. He’s gay, you know he is, or he’d at least have had ONE date by now! He might even get turned on! Turned on? Aren’t you turned on? “So what about this kid that stuck in your mind? Was he cute?” Nate caught that remark, and he laughed. Lee pulled back a bit, his face flaming. He’d never said a thing before, and now he’d slipped. The excitement at seeing Nate, whom he’d jacked off with and even done oral with, had caused it, he was sure. It was too late though, and he’d said it. He stared at Nate as his friend laughed. Nate saw then that he’d hurt Lee. He saw his eyes fall, his smile fade, his whole body language saying “I want to hide.” He stopped laughing and got up, walking towards Lee. Lee, however, jumped up and made for the door. “Lee, wait!” Nate called, “I didn’t mean THAT! Come back!” Lee stopped, but he didn’t look back. “Well, now you know,” he said in glum voice. “You’re the only one who knows, so don’t spread it around, OK? Maybe at college it’ll be different, but if they find out here in town, I’m dead. They’ll kill me and my folks will shoot me. See ya ‘round.” “Lee, I figured you were gay even before I left on the trip.” Lee didn’t move, but Nate saw him tightening up. Go ahead, stab him again, Nate, he thought. “I mean,” Nate offered lamely, “You’re pretty much, well, let’s say I can relate. I don’t date either. I don’t do anything social, really. And when I do go out somewhere, it’s with you or the other guys. And we don’t see much of them now, since they all got girlfriends.” His words didn’t seem to be helping, though. “Lee, c’mon! You and me been together since Kindergarten or so! Besides, I ... I’m beginning to think that ...” I’m gay too, and I got this thing about my little brother. And this Mexican eunuch boy was to DIE for, Lee, you should have seen him! I think that’s even why I got my dick cut off while I was there, so I couldn’t ... so I wouldn’t be able to ... Nate tried to put more words together, but he couldn’t. He was getting agitated again, and he could feel those feelings building. He knew that unless he did something, he’d have a wet spot in his shorts in about five minutes. Lee looked so pathetic, so vulnerable, just standing there with his head down. He HAD to say or do something. Very slowly, Nate walked up to Lee and put his arm around his shoulders. He turned him around and guided the dazed boy back into the living room. He sat down beside him on the couch and then reached out to take his other hand. “Lee, when were hittin’ puberty, we did some stuff.” “Yea,” Lee choked. It was obvious he was trying not to cry. “So you’re gay. You told me. It was an accident? I think you WANTED to tell me. You remember all those times we jacked off together? I do. You remember when we tried the oral stuff? I do. And you know what else? Who carried your sad ass home in the fourth grade and cleaned you up when you got beat up at school? Who talked his mom into puttin’ makeup on your face so no one would see the bruises? Me. I kept THAT secret Lee, and back then it was the end of the fuckin’ world! And you know what else?” The words just came, tumbling out over each other as Nate realized how much he actually loved his best friend, the boy who’d been his other brother, in essence, even before Devon had come along. “Who got a special shot and brought my books and homework home when I had pneumonia that once in Junior High? Who spent weekends watching TV with me and playing Nintendo trying to make me feel better, and risking catching it too? And who jacked me off when I was too sick and tired to even want to TRY it myself?” Nate asked with a broad grin. “Me,” Lee whispered. “And now you think I’d TELL someone, anyone, that you told me you were gay? You think I’d hurt you on purpose like that?” “I don’t know,” Lee cried, finally loosing it. Nate pulled his head down onto his shoulder until Lee got control of himself again. I can keep HIS secret, but can HE keep mine?” Nate wondered. “Let’s go up to my room,” Nate offered, “I got this kid’s email address you know, he uses the computer at work and his boss is the coolest guy you’ve ever heard of. I think I can cheer you up.” Lee nodded and followed his friend up to his room, a room he knew well. He’d been in it almost as much as Nate had been in his, and he wondered how he could have ever thought what he had just then. He was still a little hurt by Nate’s just disappearing for so long, but he let it go, just a bit. However, he found himself just a bit jealous at the mention of “this Mexican kid.” Then something else occurred to him! The things Nate had said, the way he’d said them, wasn’t Nate admitting that he was gay as well, or at least, VERY interested? Suddenly Lee felt much better, if not still a bit jealous. He DID, however, want to see this ‘kid’ badly. Nate rooted about in his files for a bit. First he had to log on, and Lee stared in amazement as his right hand flew over the number pad entering his password. He then went to MY PICTURES, took the folder options tab, showed hidden files, and then clicked a special icon that came up. It was a small program that took him to another well hidden spot of the hard drive, and the hidden image viewer came on and began a slide show. I can’t believe I’m doing this, Nate thought, I might as well have just come right out and said to Lee ‘hey I’m gay too!’ But what then? And what if? So what if you are? What if he wants to ... Then I’ll tell him. God, I’m arguing with myself again! There on the screen was a portrait of Ramon. His black hair was cut in a short Ivy style, shaved close at his ears and fading up. The diamond stud that he’d had since the age of eleven sparkled in his left ear. His dark brows hovered over penetrating dark eyes, and his light brown and very smooth skin accentuated the shape of his deep red lips. His perfect white teeth were shining in the shot, and Lee gasped. “He looks so young!” “He’s our age,” Nate replied. He saw Lee’s hand moving to his crotch already, and Nate began to worry. What if I stir him up bad enough to want to jack off? What then? Shit, what if I stir ME up enough to want to ? The next shot was of Ramon with no shirt, and Lee zoomed the high res image up to stare at the smooth chest and flat little nipples. In the next shot, Ramon’s arms were up, and his hairless and smooth armpits were pulled back in contrast to accentuate his biceps and his pecs. Lee stared down at his innie navel, then the image ended. “He shaves?” Nate shook his head. “He doesn’t have to. He had very little body hair. Nowhere.” Lee gasped, and Nate could tell that he was getting horny. He shook his head. What have I done to myself? You fucked up. Yea, but what if Lee want to fuck me? “You saw him naked?” Nate nodded. “Did you, uh ... well ... I mean ...” “No,” Nate replied quickly. “Nothing happened. He’s our age, he’s shy, and he didn’t send me these pics until I got home. We went out a few times, but nothing at all happened.” I wish something HAD happened. Like what? Anything. Yea, you with no dick and him castrated at eleven and not even able to get his little one-inch dick hard. WHAT THE HELL COULD HAVE HAPPENED? The next pic was of Ramon, naked, standing sideways. It was clear that Dr. Ortega took good care of the young eunuch, watching his diet and making him work out. Ramon had the body of a young god, and Nate’s shorts were beginning to feel wet. He glanced down at Lee, who was still softly rubbing his own crotch. He’s gonna blow a seam any time now, Nate mused. “His legs are so long, and so are his arms!” Lee breathed, almost panting. “You like?” Lee looked up at his friend in wonder. “I hate you for not inviting me,” he laughed, turning back to the screen. Nate smiled. “He is hot,” he said, by way of saying to Lee ‘I’m fine with it. So be it.’ The next picture was of Ramon, bent a bit, and standing with his butt towards the camera. The curves of his slim hips were evident, and his ass looked very tight and pleasingly round. It was also the same color of light brown as the rest of him. “No tan lines,” Lee sighed. “He’s Mexican, they don’t get those, I don’t think,” Nate explained. When the next pic came up, however, Lee gasped and made a soft “Ehh?’ sound. He leaned up close to the screen, and stared. He zoomed the image. It was Ramon, naked, and it was full frontal nudity. Both boys stared at the image. Both boys were trembling a bit, and breathing hard. Both boys had nice sized wet spots in their shorts by then, and both of them were totally taken at the sight before them. “Oh my God,” Lee sighed, “Look at that! His dick is so tiny! And ... and ... where’s his balls, Nate? The kid’s got no balls, or a sac!” Nate nodded. “No, he doesn’t, Lee. Ramon’s a eunuch. He was castrated when he was eleven, and he’s never had hormones.” “Oh my God,” Lee said again, his eyes wide. “That’s why he had no body hair, and he’s never had to shave. He’s never had a whisker. He never will. His voice didn’t change, and if you heard him on the phone, well, “How’d it happen?” Lee asked. Nate took a deep breath. “When Ramon was little, he got caught jacking off. The man he worked for, since they were very poor, had him castrated as punishment. It was very humane, a doctor did it, and took good care of him.” “What is he, a slave?” Lee interrupted. “No, he’s not a slave. He’s a free boy, just poor. He works his butt off, makes an honest living, but he can’t pay for HRT and he doesn’t want it even. He likes who he is, and he’s cool with it.” “Can he get hard?” “No.” Nate answered. “He can’t jack off anymore?” “Nope. He has no sex drive, unlike me and you do.” The next image was a close up of Ramon’s tiny penis, uncut and flaccid. It showed clearly his castration, and the scars were very minute. “That is so fuckin’ HOT!” Lee breathed. “I think I’m gonna cum in my pants!” Nate sighed. I wish I could. Then Nate thought back to when they were younger. He thought about all the times he’d held Lee’s cock in his hand, how many times they’d gotten off together. He recalled how bad they’d been afraid of turning out gay, of being caught, exposed, and beaten up ... the things that all teenage boys worry about. Nate reached over and flipped to the last image. Ramon stood there, naked, a red rose in his teeth. Nate had asked for that one, and Ramon had sent it, with a long letter. “Poor kid,” Lee was saying, standing up and trying to adjust himself. Nate reached down and took Lee’s hand. “Don’t feel that way. Ramon’s not a sympathy case. I got to know him while I was there, and he’s a happy kid. He wants to be a doctor, and he just might make it!” “It’s just so wild,” Lee said again, “And so hot! He’s so gorgeous! Maybe we should castrate They both laughed at that. “It’s too late, he’s hit puberty,” Nate said. Then he reached down and began to unbutton Lee’s pants. Lee looked at him. “When was the last time I jacked you off?” he asked. Lee breathed hard, and as Nate pulled his pants down, the wet spot in his friend’s shorts made him laugh again. Lee’s penis was throbbing, pushing at the waistband of his white briefs. Nate slid those briefs down, and Lee kicked his shoes off, stepping out of them. “I don’t remember. I think it was last spring, spring break?” Too bad you can’t return the favor now, Nate mused, taking Lee by the erect penis and leading him over to his bed. Lee stretched out, his seven inches throbbing in Nate’s warm hand. He reached into the drawer of his night stand and produced a small bottle of lotion, squirting some out into his palm and rubbing it on Lee’s erect penis. He traced his fingers around the circumcision scar, and started to stroke. Lee closed his eyes and sighed. “I remember the first time we did this,” he mused, “We were twelve or thirteen or so, and we were so embarrassed when we confessed that we did it at ALL! Let alone do it in front of each other, or TO each other!” “I remember,” Nate said, looking at his friend and seeing not the handsome teenage about to enter college, but the shy and scrawny adolescent with the smooth face and skinny limbs. “Your cock was a lot smaller then.” They both laughed again, and Nate could tell that Lee was getting close. He reached down with his other hand and felt Lee’s balls, wondering at how big they were. They were easily half again as big as his own. He massaged the scrotum a bit, then looped his thumb and middle finger around the sac. He gently pulled down, making Lee’s throbbing and aching member tilt forward. He knew this would fight back the urge to shoot, and he pulled a bit harder. “Feels good,” Lee groaned in ecstasy. “Not too much?” “You can go harder, if you want,” Lee replied, smiling. Nate did that, pulling down harder on Lee’s balls, which made his friend moan in pleasure. He stroked at his rigid member for another five minutes, letting off of his balls and then pulling on them again as Lee seemed to approach climax. Each time, he would pause and pull, and after ten minutes, Lee was sweating and shaking. Still, Nate didn’t change his style. He stroked slower, pulled harder and more often, until finally Lee almost begged him to get him off. “It was never like this,” he moaned softly. “You musta had lotsa practice. You learn that in Nate shook his head. You wouldn’t believe what I learned down there. If you think this feels good, if you think Ramon’s hot and a the sight of a eunuch gets you this turned on, what are you gonna do if I tell you what I DID do down there? It took another ten minutes before Nate finally let Lee cum. When he’d begged, Nate had applied some pressure to his prostate point, right under his sac. He could see Lee’s anus, and he wondered if Lee ever did anything anal. I dont’ think I can, ever, Nate mused. The pressure down there pushed Lee back a bit, and Nate had to work a bit as Lee’s erection flagged some. He then let off of his friend’s large balls, and ran his fingertips up to and around Lee’s nipples. They stood up in response, and Lee groaned. “I gotta shoot, Nate, I gotta! Please make me!” “Say please,” Nate teased. “Please?” Nate smiled and went back to work on Lee’s cock, stroking it and twisting his warm hand around the shaft. He let off of Lee’s balls totally, concentrating on making him cum. Lee’s back arched, and Nate grabbed a T-shirt from the end of the bed. He tossed it over his furiously working hand as Lee let go with a loud cry. Nate gasped. It almost looked as if Lee were having a seizure, the way his back arched and his face contorted. His entire body jumped and shook, and he moaned and shivered. Jet after jet of hot semen shot from his penis into the T-shirt, and Nate could feel that hot fluid running down his hand. Lee’s cock jumped and spasmed, and he shook and groaned as if in pain rather than pleasure. Nate felt that his own shorts were very wet by then, and he imagined having to take another shower. Lee would certainly have to, as the smell of sweat and sex was all over him, pervading the room like a miasma. When he finally settled down and his cock began to soften, Nate rubbed his stomach and wiped him off as best he could. He threw the shirt in the laundry bin. He stared at Lee, the best and only real friend he’d ever had. He thought he’d hurt him, and maybe he had in a way. That bothered Nate, and he suddenly felt his eyes stinging. Lee had always been there. Good or bad, Lee had been there. And what did I do? I disappeared on him. I didn’t call, not even a fuckin’ postcard! I went to And now it’s too fuckin’ late. “Lee?” Nate almost choked. “What’s wrong?” Lee asked, puzzled. “All the time we were boys, Lee, growing up and doing everything together, like brothers, there’s always something I wanted to do but we never did.” “What’s that?” Lee asked. Nate looked deep into his eyes, and then leaned forward as Lee sat up. Nate ran his hands over Lee’s bare chest, through the sparse hair there, and pulled him closer. “I never kissed you,” Nate answered in a shaky voice, and he pulled Lee’s head down and did just that, covering his best friend’s mouth with his own and never wanting to let go. But finally he did. “Lee,” Nate said seriously, “There’s somethin’ I gotta tell you, man.” Do not stand at my grave and weep, When you wake in the morning hush, Do not stand at my grave and weep. Mary Frye (1932) |