Penectomy News Digest (fictional)

Penis-cutting news from around the world

MEMBERS NOT INCLUDED IN NEW MALE CALENDARS

As if nude calendars were not enough, now there won’t be any … well, members posing in them.

The men will be there, but not their manhoods. The World Penectomy Society of London is issuing a 12-month calendar of naked, penisless men. The Society, which serves men who have lost their male members to disease, accident or choice, set out “to prove that you don’t need sex organs to be attractive.”

Each month features a naked man exposing his testicles and the area where his penis once hung. Three of the men are shown with their partners or lovers.

“We wanted to let the world know that being without a penis does not doom a man to loneliness,” said Brian Sharpe, president of WPS, and the June model. “Most of our men have active sex lives, and orgasm and ejaculation are not impossibilities.”

The calendar has reportedly sold 10,000 copies, mostly to curious women.

NO MEMBERS, PLEASE

A nude beach in Oregon has issued an unusual rule: although men are allowed, their penises are not.

The Women’s Naturist Club in Portland has changed its member policy to exclude, well, just members, not those who own them. The rule was made because women reported unwelcome erections and masturbation on the nude beach.

“We finally said, “Look, if that kind of thing is going to happen, we’ll just have to outlaw penises,” said Rita Jones, club president. “I like them, and they’re nice to look at, but I don’t want to be subjected to lewd behavior.”

That would logically mean excluding men, which is against the inclusiveness policy. So Jones came up with the idea of banning just the penises.

“And within a week we had a dozen men, all cut off down there,” she said.

None of the men penectomized themselves just for that purpose; all had been memberless for years. Some of them say they feel more welcome at WNC than at other beaches.

Jones said that club life has been “excellent” since then. “When a penisless man sits with a naked woman, the result is the most friendly, clean interchange you could get between the sexes.”

Incidentally, Jones is engaged to one of the “non-member” men.

PENISES HELD HOSTAGE

A group of female rebels in Santa Juana is holding the penises of the nation’s four top ministers hostage.

According to The Santa Juana Times, the four men were captured and taken to an undisclosed location. Apparently, a female surgeon removed their organs and placed them in frozen storage, sewed up the men, and released them with an ultimatum.

The ultimatum made three demands: tougher penalties for rapists, imprisonment for “honor killings” of wives, and an end to state support of ministers’ mistresses. If the demands are not met within two weeks, the penises will be destroyed and more will be cut off.

It is not known who the group is, nor who the four ministers are. The ministers are, however, reported to be in great distress.

According to doctors, the chance of reattaching the organs is good, but they will be shortened in the process.

RAPE VICTIMS ALLOWED TO PENECTOMIZE THEIR ATTACKERS

A new law in South Mozania will allow rape victims to cut off their attackers’ penises.

The law, passed by the female-majority parliament, was approved by the female president. About half the men in parliament approved it.

The law allows victims to slice off their rapists’ penises with a knife or hatchet while the attacker is restrained. The memberless man is then given medical care and a urethral reroute.

Twelve women have taken advantage of the new law: many reported that it “empowered” them. They are allowed to keep the penises if they want.

“I just took it [the penis] in my hands, pull it, stretched it out on the block, and whacked it off,” said one woman. “It was really bloody. But it made me feel wonderful. The whole thing was videotaped, and I plan to show it at parties.”

“We’ve had some strange things,” said one prison warden. “Some of the women like to talk to the rapist or even to the penis itself. Some touch it almost lovingly. And then some like to mock the man, telling him he’ll never be inside a woman again and that he’ll have to sit down to pee. Some of them expose their own genitals and tease the rapists.”

One cutter was the wife of the cuttee. She had him arrested after several instances of marital rape. Now calm and obedient, he looks forward to an early release and reunion with his wife.

Sources expect the law to become hugely popular in coming years. A bill to let victims of female rapists cut off the rapists’ clitorises has been introduced in the parliament.