Penectomy News Digest Volume 2 (fictional)

Penis-cutting news from around the world

FEMALE SURGEON TAKES HUSBAND’S PENIS AS HER OWN

In a bizarre gender twist, a female surgeon cut off her husband’s penis and attached it to herself.

Dr. Marjorie E. Reiter, 38, removed the organ from her consenting husband. As she had previously removed her own clitoris, she then proceeded, with the help of another surgeon, to attach the penis to herself.

She is currently working to attach her clitoral nerves to the penis and is expecting to achieve erectile ability, though she concedes that additional testosterone may be necessary.

“My husband and I wanted me to have both the penis and the vagina in our relationship,” Reiter said. “We wanted me to be the penetrator. When I want to be penetrated, he will strap on a replica of his former penis and then enter me.”

Her husband, Steven Reiter, says he now enjoys performing both cunnilingus and fellatio on his wife.

“It’s strange to be sucking what was once my own penis,” he said. “Marjorie says I do it very well, and I should: I used to own it!”

Dr. Reiter has also connected her urethra to the one in the penis. Her goal is “to pee standing while my husband pees sitting.”

The doctor will soon attach her clitoris, now in frozen storage, to her husband so that he will be able to climax when she rubs her penis on it.

ELECTRONIC PENIS BRACELETS MONITOR RAPISTS

An innovative female inventor has given law enforcement a new weapon in fighting sex crimes: an electronic penis bracelet with cutting potential.

Laura Smith created a thin ring that fits around the base of the penis. When vaginal fluid is on the penis, a sensor in the ring goes off, alerting the authorities. They then may decide to activate the laser inside the ring via remote control and cut off the penis. When the ring is removed, another sensor goes off.

Fourteen male sex offenders are already wearing the device, called the Pen-A-Matic. They report that they are terrified of going near women.

Erection itself does not activate the device. Neither does the presence of saliva or feces, which Smith plans to address in her next version of the ring. That would address anal and oral rape.

“Men will now think twice about raping women,” said April Erickson of the Women’s Effort to Prevent Rape. “Penises will be on a tight leash.”

Already, there is interest among the general public in the Pen-A-Matic. Many women see it as a way to take control of their men’s behavior. Some men have expressed interest in using it to intensify their sex play. Smith does not plan to sell the ring to the public.

WOMEN CAN DO WITHOUT THOSE THINGS

According to a surprising survey, 20 percent of women say they could live with a penisless husband.

The survey of 840 women, done by the American Sex Research Institute, asked whether a relationship could be satisfying if the husband had no penis. One hundred sixty-eight said “yes.”

Many of the women cited hugging, caressing and oral sex as reasons a penis is not needed.

“For me, it’s about fidelity,” said one woman. “If he couldn’t penetrate a woman, he wouldn’t stray from me. That’s more important than sex.”

Twelve of the women said that their husbands were already without organs.

“It doesn’t make a difference to me,” said one. “I can do with it or without it.”

Some of the women reported that a man without a penis looks less threatening and is easy to get along with.

Said one: “Sometimes that ‘thing’ just gets in the way of a good relationship.”

PENIS-BITER ON THE LOOSE

Male students at the University of Florida—Essex are being warned to watch out for women who offer them oral sex this Halloween.

Last year on that day, a “vampire” allegedly bit off the penises of three men. Although the men survived, their organs were not found.

According to reports, the vampire woman, described as short and thin with black hair, offered the men oral sex at parties or bars. While performing on them, she bit off their penises and ran off with them. The men were left to go to the hospital.

“I suddenly felt a sharp pain, then a ripping sensation, and I saw her get up with something in my mouth,” one of the victims said. “I saw her pull it out, and it was my penis. She laughed at me and took off running. They never found it, and I know I’ll never have sex again.”

The perpetrator was not found. During the spring semester, rumors abounded that several more women would pull the same stunt, but not necessarily as vampires.

One chalk message on a sidewalk read “Let the men be warned. We will take yours when you least expect it.”

Many campus women have found the threats funny and have been warning men that they will be the next to lose their penises, possibly even before Halloween.