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I remember I woke up in the morning thinking it had been a bad dream. I reached down out of new habit to unclip my catheter from the night bottle and found I was wearing a full leg bag. It then hit me. It HAD been real. It all came rushing back at me and I flopped back down onto my pillow. I didn’t want to move. I was too scared to move. I could hear the words of that sermon they all seemed to preach - “first son”, “evils and perils of masturbation”, “sin”, “lust”, all the others. My dad was a eunuch. I never really knew my mom. My whole life had been uprooted from the city to move here for some ‘peace and quiet’. ‘MY GOD, I thought, THIS is their idea of peace? How could I have any peace of mind with no genitals? How did a boy or man adapt? They said I would, they all did. I thought of Chad. He had to still be in the house somewhere. From what I had seen, surely they didn't move him too far. I got up, changed bags, dressed in a blue T that I found and loose khakis. Someone was laying my wardrobe out for me. I put my socks on and went looking for Robby. I found him in his room on the third floor, in bed. He was still asleep. I knew which room was his, I had seen them all. I shook him awake. He rubbed his eyes and looked up at me. When he fully woke up, he just sighed. “Chad’s gonna be in the same room, asleep for all day and the night too. We’ll wake him up tomorrow morning. I have to help take care of him, “ he said wistfully, placing a hand to his own empty crotch. He suddenly jerked upright and out of bed. “I gotta go ... “ and off to the third floor bathroom he went. It seemed that when they had to go, they had to GO! I waited. He came back quickly. I knew he had left the seat down. Hell, no one needed it up around here but me and I now had a tube to pee for me. I was also the next in line. I told this to Robby. He nodded. "I got done last year when I was 11. They did Travis early too, they usually wait until you’re 11, but they did us both at once since we're so close in age I guess. I know you wanna know about Denny too.” I nodded. We sat down on the edge of the bed. “Denny is the first son. When he was 11, he got put in a belt. It’s a special belt that fits skin-tight and locks. He can’t touch himself. Dad lets him out of it once a week to keep it all clean. He’ll be home this Saturday you know, he comes home from college every weekend with laundry and well ... he can't take the belt off. It’s a really specially made belt, air holes and all that. I guess you can keep clean enough all week, I mean it has vents and stuff in it but he has to come home on Friday night to take it off and make sure he's really clean and all. It looks like a thick jock really. He’s been wearing one since, “ Robby explained. "I take it they resize it every so often as one grows?” I asked sarcastically. My mood was rapidly deteriorating. One last question answered, the last piece fell into place: When Denny found a nice girl, got married, THEN he could be let out of his belt or whatever it was that my cousin was trying describe, to have sex. Productive good sex, as this community saw it. When they were done with having kids, Denny would get castrated just like most of the men and boys in this town. What got me was how they could do it to such young boys. How many sons would Denny have that would suffer the same fate? It was all finally fitting together when I thought about the girls in this place. Surely THEY knew ! What did THEY think ? I mean, once I thought it over, it would lead to a real shortage of available men for just having kids, nonetheless just sex for fun. But then again, it seemed that sex for pleasure was frowned upon. And what about marriage? What girl would want to marry a eunuch? I noticed Robby was still chattering... “They told me, “ Robby went on, “that if you haven’t hit puberty it’s easier on you. No side affects. You noticed Jimmy. High voice, long limbs, tall, wiry, but he’s getting some muscles. Dad said we'll never be as big and strong as 'intact men' but if we stay in shape it won't be so bad. And you don’t get the sex drive. I bet your dad and my dad were the same way - my dad said he just about lost his mind until he ran out of 'testosterone-something' that your balls make. He said we're lucky there, we won't get that kind of drive or urges. Poor Chad, though, man - did you hear him? He admitted he's been whackin' off. That’s gonna make it hard for him I think. He was farther along than we’d thought, and Doc said we should have done him earlier. I wonder how much he did it? What'd it feel like? ” “You mean you don’t? “ I asked in amazement. Robby looked shocked. “NO! I can’t! I mean, I was just 11. I never tried. Hell, I didn’t even know what it was until after they cut me. You don’t miss what you never had!” "You mean you never played with yourself or anything?” Robby shook his head. "And what about sex, marriage, kids?” I asked. Robby shook his head again. "This ain't the city, Sam. I didn't even know what sex was all about until afterwards. In case you didn't notice, this is a pretty quiet town. You just don't SEE that kinda stuff around here like you do on cable TV or the computer." Well, I had to admit, he had had a pretty sheltered life way out here in the middle of the Twilight Zone or wherever the hell we were. I realized I didn't even know the name of the town yet. “How about peeing?” I asked him. "We all thought that's all your penis was for, and your balls were just something to get hit in. I sure don’t miss that! " He paused. “I liked it better before, though, when I could stand up. Sometimes you’re out somewhere and you have to go and the men’s’ rooms are a mess. That’s the bad part, but you get used to it. You made us all crazy leaving seats up, you know. Travis fell in the second day you were here.” I had to laugh. I had fallen in before ... I think everyone has. "Well I've got this damn cath now, " I replied. Robby nodded. “I had one in a week before and all the month I was healing up after they did me. They take it out when Doc says you’ve healed up. I don’t know why they put you with a NG tube in so soon. You must have tested really low for something like vitamins or something, “ Robby said. I nodded. “I’ve always been a shrimp.” “You know you’re next now.” The chill again. “Yea.” We said nothing else as Robby dressed in his 'uniform' and we went down to breakfast. I realized how out of place I was with my blue shirt now. Everything looked normal, except that there was no plate for me. Dad had the NG syringe filled and waiting for me. He took me aside and injected it. I asked why. “No food today, son. Your operation is tonight. I’m sorry for that, but trust me, Sam, you WILL feel better when you’re healed, you really will. I do, your cousins do, really...” I didn’t know what else to do. I let him hold me a bit. It felt good, and I wasn’t used to it. It still didn't feel right though. “That dose had a laxative in it to prep you, son. You’re gonna be in the john a lot today.” “Why?!" I demanded, pulling back from him. "Because you have to have an empty stomach before the operation so you don’t puke on the table, or have an unexpected movement during surgery." I was shocked then, but I just nodded. “No enemas?” I asked. My dad nodded. "One 2 quart soap and then salt water until you're clean, like at the Doc’s office.” I guess I teared up. Bad as I hated the catheter, I had hated the enemas worse. I guessed that Chad had had his done before I got there to spy on him. I wondered where Robby’s friend was. Probably behind that door by the stairs, sleeping it off. They’d all go out to work soon though, then I’d find out. But as they finished and filed out, leaving me on dish duty again, Jimmy stayed behind. “I have to watch you, “ he said, “make sure you don’t eat.” “I know what they’re gonna do to me, “ I said boldly, wondering what he’d say. Jimmy looked shocked. “Well you’re a eunuch, aren’t you, cousin? Robby is, and he says Travis is too.” Jimmy ran a slim, long-fingered hand over his smooth chin. It was obvious he had never shaved his face. He was almost 17. He nodded. “Since I was eleven or so. You gotta keep in shape, man, watch what you eat and stuff, work out. Uncle cooks a lot, but it’s good healthy food. You work it off here and you’ll be fine. Just don’t expect to go back to the city and eat burgers and fries and live the good life. You can’t do that now. Just stay here with us and enjoy the peace and quiet. You don’t, uh, play with ‘it’ do you?” He asked seriously. I mutely nodded. Surely he knew the mechanics of it by his age, eunuch or not. Jimmy shook his head. “You cum yet?” I shook my head. He smiled. “Good thing, they say it’s addictive.” “Cousin, “ I asked, as we finished the dishes, “how many are there?” “Well, you know the clothes thing, right, the white/blue and khakis?” I nodded. “I can drive. Let’s go to town and you can see for yourself. This family isn't the only one. I know where the gas stations all are so you can go if you have to, I know they shot your NG full of laxatives in prep for tonight.” We left in Jimmy’s car, a pristine 1977 Pontiac Grand Prix he had restored over the years. It was black and sounded fast. School hadn’t started yet, so we went by the park. It was about a half-hour drive into town, but we didn’t talk. Almost rebelliously, he turned on the stereo and hard rock music came blaring out the speakers. We jammed. It felt good to hear loud music again. "Just remember, " he pointed out, "we DID NOT do this." When we got there, I was a bit impressed. The Town Park had a large playground and golf course. There was even a public pool. Jimmy pointed out boys of varying ages and their blue shirts. The boys not dressed “in white” were first sons, he said. He also pointed out a large number of white-shirted boys. I was stunned. A good 7 of 10 we saw were in white. There didn't seem to be a swimsuit rule about color, but with the fashion tending towards big and baggy suits, you couldn't tell. We drove around, stopped once at a gas station since the ‘Prix’ as Jimmy called it was a gas hog, and continued on home. All the boys I had seen were dressed alike, in white or blue ... it was like something out of a bad late-night movie, Village of the Damned or something. Once home, the NG juice proceeded to tear me up. I was out of commission for a while. Finally, once I was able to leave the bathroom, I got brave and asked to see Chad. I guess I was morbidly fascinated by him. “You know?!” He asked in shock. I nodded. “I watched, I hid.” I replied. Jimmy blew air through his teeth in a whistle. “Man, don’t tell anyone THAT! C’mon.” "I still can't believe this, " I told him. "Believe it, cousin. It's been this way here for a LONG time." “WHY?” I demanded. Jimmy looked me helplessly and shook his head. "I dunno. It just is." "Hell of a birthday present for turning 11, " I retorted, “Happy Birthday to me, etc., now blow out all your candles so we can cut your genitals off, son.” My cousin didn’t reply. He led me to the locked door on the first floor and we went in. He had a key. Down the hall we turned. The lights were dimmed, and Chad had been moved to another large part of the room I had not seen. He was in a bed, covered with a blanket. The room was still warm and he was sleeping peacefully. “I have to change his bandages anyway, “ Jimmy said, “and he won’t wake up for a long time.” I watched in fascination as my cousin tended to Chad, knowing that I would be laying there tonight unless I found a way out. Chad looked the same, only bruised and swollen in his now-empty crotch. The catheter exited his body much lower than mine, but then I still had my penis. And I wanted to keep it. I might be gaining weight and growing here, and having a better upbringing, but I KNEW I did NOT want to be a eunuch even if the whole damn family and most of the townsfolk were. I wondered if they taught eunuch history in school. I had read about Chinese eunuchs and Italian castrati on the Internet and in the library, also Arab slavers. I remembered first reading about it and how it freaked me out, but I had no idea anyone was still doing it! Jimmy worked fast. It was evident he had done this before. “They always do it here? “ I asked. “Where?" he answered. "HERE in this monster of a house you guys live in." “Yes, “ he replied, finishing up his wrapping job, this is ‘the’ house.” Chad moaned. Jimmy checked his IV drip, shot some juice of some kind up his NG tube, and adjusted his blanket. He laid a hand across the unconscious little eunuch's forehead to check for fever. I watched closer as he did. His hand lingered there just a moment, in a sort of protective gesture. I made a mental study of Chad's face ... I hadn't really looked at him closely before, but then for some reason I did. He was a light shade of brown, and his face was unblemished. It was so ... perfect. I didn't know the word then but I do recall thinking he looked like a magazine model. He had the looks for it. We left then. When we got back to the foyer, I came right out and said it. “Jimmy, I don’t wanna be a eunuch.” He shrugged. “Nothing you can do about it, cousin. You’re next in line.” “But ... but, I’m my dad’s only son.” That thought came to me and I thought I had found a way out! Jimmy sighed. “I overheard my dad talking once. This is gonna hurt you, Sam, but I’m gonna say it. You were an accident. You know how they view that around here? It doesn't - hell it CAN'T happen that often, but somehow it did. Your dad was a first son, he had to be. Chad was too, and a biracial one at that. Hell they wanted to ship him off to Siberia when he was born! There's always talk about local girls going on down to the truckstop at I-53. I'm sure they do, since there isn't that much action for any of them around this town. Anyway, I’m sorry, Sam, but you don’t count as a first son. You’re dad got married, did the right thing, but the news got out. Your dad left with her for the city soon as she told him she was pregnant. Hell, it would have led to a crucifixion if he hadn’t! I don’t know why your mom died when she did, but she did and here you both are. Uncle Fred, your dad – I mean, was here some years ago. He didn’t want to expose you to it then. He knew what he did was wrong, so he came back to face up for it. I guess it all just caught up with him, and now he’s back here where he belongs, with us. He was forgiven. And you’ll be accepted here.” My cousin's voice had taken on an ominous tone. Obviously he believed every word that had no doubt been preached at him since he was little about sin, fornication, etc. I couldn’t believe it, but it sure seemed true. He sounded very zealous. I still had one question. "Jimmy, if my dad married your dad's sister, where are my paternal side uncles?” "You had one, " he replied, "He committed suicide when he was 15." I said nothing. I was spending a lot of time stunned. About then I had another round of running to the bathroom. It was a long day. I got no lunch, only water. The laxatives finally gave up around 4 p.m. I spent the day cleaning up, working around the house, and talking to Jimmy. He told me he didn’t know how it started, or why they still did it. It just WAS. There were plenty of kids who needed to be adopted, and a great deal of them were sent to this town. I wondered how many families were genetic ones and how many weren’t. This idea of 'spies' from this town being out there abroad and shipping boys here came to mind. I also had to try and get it OFF my mind. The whole thought of it was making me a nervous wreck. I had come to the conclusion that that night I was running away, on foot if need be. We were upstairs playing Death Race 3000 on my PC, which still had no Internet access when they all came in for supper; which I would get none of. I got my usual glass of water, but realized too late that something was in it. I was back in my room about to face the Demon Racer of Level 9 when I started getting blurry vision. The last thing I remember was a grim voice saying, "GAME OVER."
I woke up to a foul smell in the surgical room, all of my plans destroyed. I was strapped to the exam table as Chad had been, but Chad had been moved again. I looked around, but didn't see him. I was coming around fast, and I began to struggle. Dad was there, behind me, waving something under my nose. “Don’t fight it, Sam, please.” It was a smelling salt. I felt my eyes tearing up; at least they could have left me knocked out to mutilate me. I couldn’t hold it any longer. I lashed out verbally at him, screaming for help as he settled the ball gag into my mouth and pulled it tight. I couldn’t move. My cries for help were muffled. Uncles Harlan and Ray were there then, coming in through the side door. They had the stuff for the cleaning out I was going to get, and they got to it. It went just like the doctors’ office had, only I couldn’t get up. They just lowered the table to the floor drain and rinsed me off after each go around. The lubricated tube went in my ass, I got filled with hot water, and I was made to hold it. Then I’d be allowed to let it out, rinsed off, and I’d get refilled. It was tiring, and I think they knew that. After all, the oral laxatives had done a job on me already. When they thought I was ready, they put the IV in and I felt my body relaxing. I was still awake though. That was when I realized that Chad, Jimmy, Robby, and maybe Travis had been as well. Dad seemed to know what I was thinking. “You were conceived in sin, son. This has to be done. You can’t be allowed to commit the same acts. You’ll be safe from all that filth now, disinterested, and incapable. Being a eunuch is the best thing for you, really. And you won't get the bad side effects like hot flashes. You won't even go through puberty. No voice change, acne, anxiety, carnal urges ... Please trust me, ” he begged. “I’m only doing this out of love, Sammy.” I remember crying, shaking my head, and hating him. He’d just started paying attention to me, loving me, or so I thought. It was a fine gesture – ‘I love you son, so I’m going to have you castrated.’ Robby and Jimmy were there, but it didn’t help. The doctor came a bit later and checked me over. He said I was ready. The worst part, aside from knowing that my strange family was going to take my impending manhood away from me, was the fact that although I’d never really whacked off to an actual orgasm, I knew all about it and really was looking forward to trying. I had had it all planned. I figured I might be able to take Jimmy’s Grand Prix and run for it. It had a tilt wheel and a power seat so I could reach the pedals. I figured I could drive slowly at night until I found an out of town cop. Now that idea was shot. I just lay there and gave up. I was caught. I remember I started sobbing and dad held my hand. It went just the same as Chad’s had, the nullification I had spied upon. Chad, I thought, took it much better than I did. He was prepared. I had seen it, but I didn’t want it. I figured most of the boys and men around here expected it. It was their way, the way they were raised - my own Dad included. Still, I didn’t want it. This was my dad’s idea of relaxation, peace and quiet, and I was going to get it whether I wanted it or not. I felt the sting of the needles, and the spreading numbness. I watched as the doctor opened my scrotum just the same way as Chad’s. He used the same cauterizing scalpel; the same smell was evident. If I’d had food in me, I’d have puked. By the time he had me fully castrated, something inside of me had given up. They had a pillow under my head so I could see them work on me and I was fascinated. I knew he was going for my penis next, so I’d be just like the rest of them - "all my problems smoothed out" as the doctor said it. He ran the scalpel around the base of my small prick just as he had Chad's. I watched it slide off of me and down the cath, but I couldn’t watch him finish me up. I heard as my dad softly asked him to work slowly and do a good job. The doctor nodded, and he did work slower on me. Or maybe it just seemed to take forever. Looking back, hell I don’t know, I'd never been nullified before. When he was done, he held a mirror up so I could see after he had rinsed the area. “Finest piece of work I may have yet done,” he complimented himself. “Been wanting to try some of that new surgical glue instead of so many darn stitches. Looks good!” At that point, and seeing my manhood lying on a tray in a dish beside me, I passed out.
I woke up to find that I’d been asleep for about a week. So had Chad, and they'd moved him into my large room. Seemed the mansion was running low on space. He was more healed than I was, just a bit, since he had been more robust to begin with and was healthier overall. I was glad of the company though. Our bandages were changed every day and we were sponge-bathed, which was painful, but I guess somehow we endured it. There were pain meds, NG injections, Doc hovering over us, etc. After two weeks had gone by, we were both getting bored of just lying around sleeping and healing. Robby was frequently excused from work to be our company for the day and watch us. There were no complications, other than slight fever and a bit of swelling, as the Doc had predicted that there wouldn’t be. I came to learn from my Great Uncle Harlan that it always hadn’t been so easy when he was young. The belief, he said, had been there since the town was founded. His own grandfather, he said, remembered it being commonplace even when he was a boy. What scared me was how he had said, "We didn't have all them fancy drugs and pain pills back then either." I’d asked him how it had been done ‘back then,’ and his reply was probably the worst shock I’d had yet. I wondered how many didn’t' make it back then. In the days that followed, they got my Internet service hooked up and in three weeks we were allowed to sit up in chairs for limited times. All I could get was a 28.8 kbps connection, which wasn’t exactly DSL speed, but it WAS better than nothing at all. We looked up everything we could find on eunuchs. Seems that a lot of cultures in the past had used them, but the most we found on nullo’s like us was in the Chinese culture. We also found a huge website dedicated to modifying the body, both men and women, but decided no one was going to believe our story so we just read it and Dad let us order some T-shirts - white of course. It was all fascinating reading. I was still a bit angry with my dad for setting me up, bringing me here, but then I thought of the things that I’d miss out on. Cable TV, travel, room service, all the city shops, the winos, muggers, junkies, sirens ... I WAS getting used to it here, after all, and I felt better. And I wasn’t alone. I missed my friends, but I new ones, and somehow they were different. They weren’t like the boys I’d known in the city. By the end of the fourth week, the doctor examined and pronounced us healed up enough to resume our normal lives - if you could call it that - with limited straining work. We had all of our stitches and tubes out, and other than some redness and tenderness, everything was healed up. I know I spent a lot fo time in front of my mirror that first day up out of bed. I just stared and touched myself, running my hand over and over that smooth area where I’d used to have my cock and balls. It felt so strange. I was then introduced to the basics of working a farm, and found I liked driving heavy equipment. There were a few casualties, namely the tree next to the barn and part of its wall, but we fixed that. I’m sure the cows recovered from the shock of me not knowing where the brake was. Brake, clutch? Who cares? When we were off duty, we rode our bikes into town to find entertainment during off times. It was, after all, a large enough town to have some entertainments. There was an arcade with old games I had not seen in years, a big pizza place, and a skating rink with a bike track. My cousins all warned me not to get too fond of the local pizza or I’d ‘blimp out’ fast. I guess I didn’t realize how much I was changing until Jimmy pointed it out to me. For one thing, I wasn’t nearly as strung-out as I had been when we arrived. That and I was looking a lot better. I’d gained good weight, and I had fleshtone. In fact, for the first time in my life, I had a tan. Denny had come home from school like every other weekend, but we had yet to meet. Our schedules just hadn't crossed. Hell, we’d been asleep almost every time, and he was told, I guess, not to bother us. Robby said he’d been informed and was anxious to meet me. We were all sitting on the porch one Friday evening, watching the sunset when he pulled up. He drove a Red Jeep that looked really cool and had loud pipes. It seemed mechanical work ran in the family. He got out and came up the steps, hand extended. I could see the body hair on his arm and his face that needed a shave. He had broad shoulders and a rich baritone voice. I couldn’t help but wonder what that belt looked like, but I wasn’t rude enough to ask. I was just happy to have it all over with and have the damn tubes all out of me finally. That night, after supper, he said he wanted to clean up and such. Uncle Ray pulled a key off of his key ring and handed it to Jimmy. “You all may was well use the big shower room off next to the cuttin' room, save on the water. Make sure he don’t go playin’ with anything, boys.” Somehow it sounded funny, him calling us ‘boys’ now. I look back and realize that it didn’t take long for my thought processes to change after they’d cut me. It had been almost five weeks and I still found myself putting my hand down there, wondering what it used to feel like. I still, out of habit, was going to the bathroom and lifting the seat - and then lowering it again ... Anyway, we went in. I had never seen the 'big' shower room, but it looked like any other shower house I had ever seen. I couldn't really see a reason for it, but then it dawned on me that some days we were bound to be dirtier than others and it saved tracking through the huge house and up and down the staircases. It also connected to the laundry room. Denny stripped off and he looked like he was wearing a black jockstrap, only the thing was much heavier looking and tight fitting. It totally encased his genitals so that there was no way he could even touch them. I wondered what he did when he had an itch. He was covered in a moderate coat of black hair, coarse looking, which contrasted his whiter looking skin. I figured he spent a great deal of his time indoors, studying and not partying - for obvious reasons. His dark hair was cut in what he called an "Ivy League" cut, and my Uncles called a "fancy college boy doo." Despite the wisecracks, I could tell they were proud of him. He was near the top of his class, he said. He had a fine body, not overly heavy in muscles but he certainly had enough of them. It was a sort of painful reminder as to what we weren't going to grow into. Jimmy took the key and inserted it right into the lock in the front. I heard a click and the leg straps and front clasp popped open to allow my oldest cousin to get out of his captivity. All those years, I thought; growing up into a man and not even SEEING yourself change. He slid the belt off, dropped it, and soaped up quick, rinsed and just leaned against the wall for a moment, soaking up steam. His package looked like it was normal to me, at least from what I'd seen on late night cable. He started getting an erection, which I guessed was natural considering he was showering with five eunuchs who held the key to his belt. He looked at it, didn’t touch it, and picked up a towel. He dried himself off, muttering about 7 inches of useless stuff. What got me was how big his balls were and how they just hung lower and lower the hotter it got in the room. The belt also looked like it offered protection, which he said it did. He hadn’t taken a hit to those balls since he was eleven and had been 'locked up' as he called it. Once he was dry, he washed it down too and rather regretfully put it back on. He made some adjustments, and then the CLICK told us that it was locked on again and he was safe from himself and the evils which he might commit. Chad went back home the next day, riding his bike and wearing a white T. It contrasted his darker skin and with his head buzzed like it was, he really looked good. Uncle Ray had decided a few days before that we’d all needed haircuts, and between all of us, there wasn’t an inch in length. I’d talked Chad into getting at least his left ear pierced, and the gold stud he chose really set him off. The lady at the local jewelry store had been a bit surprised, but once she saw me and said, “Ah, the city boy, “ she up and just pierced Chad with no problem. He had a perfect face, I thought, and just looking at him stirred something in me that I didn’t really understand. He hadn't been spending as much time as he wanted at our place as his mother was taken ill. It wasn't long afterwards that she was hospitalized, and it didn't look good. Chad, by default, sort of wound up back with us. It was a terrible thing to say, but none of his mom's family wanted him and no one knew who his dad was. Of course, after finally getting up the nerve to ask my dad, he just laughed. "There's always a place for one more, here, Sam.,” he said softly. Then I told him how I felt, really FELT, about Chad. I tried to explain it the best I could. I guess I didn’t do a very good job of it. I had never seen him laugh so hard. His face was getting red and I thought he was having one of those "flashes" they all talked about. “Sam,“ he said between gasps for air, “What you’re describing is affection. I think you LIKE Chad!“ I was taken by that remark. True, he looked good and I liked being around him. He wasn't like my friends I had left behind in the city. He was different. I often caught myself staring at him, wondering what that darker toned skin of his felt like. I asked him about it once, right before school began. He just grinned and flushed a bit. He spent the night at our huge place more and more and not just the weekends; finally, one night as we were getting ready for bed, I put my hand on the back of his stubbled head and pulled him close. I still hadn't caught him in growth. I looked up into those deep black eyes of his and at that glittering gold earring and on impulse, kissed him on the mouth. He didn’t fight it. I had this strange feeling inside, like I remembered having when I was watching those late movies on the premium cable channels, but this time it was almost painful. I realized that if I still had a penis, it would have been hard. I realized a great deal of things in that moment. When I pulled away, Chad was smiling, but there was also sadness in those deep, dark eyes. “There’s nothing we can DO together you know, “ he said wistfully. “I know, “ I replied, but I ... I just had ... well ... to do that, " thankful that he hadn't pushed me away. I hadn’t thought about being gay much. I just knew it was supposed to be a bad thing. But then I’d just kissed another boy, too. “I thought we weren’t supposed to have this happen, “ Chad said softly. “I don’t know, maybe it takes a little longer to fade off, “ I replied, wondering if it would, hoping it wouldn’t, yet fearful that it might stay and leave us both with nothing we could do about it and a ton of frustration. Chad looked wistful for a moment, then said, “You know, sometimes I kinda miss whacking off, but not much.” We both laughed at that. But what if it wasn’t just a passing thing or a random impulse? They said we wouldn’t develop those sorts of urges, but it had just happened. I mean, looking back now, I laugh, but I had just kissed him, and liked it. I wanted to do it again. Hell, I wanted to touch him. Everywhere. I was so confused. I reluctantly told dad about it one night while I was being put to bed. It was weighing heavily on my mind and I had to get it out into the open. It was almost time for school to start, and Chad wasn't there that night. His mother had taken a bad turn. Dad laughed and said it was sort of funny that his own son, a eunuch, would have turned out gay if he hadn’t been cut. “But doesn’t what I did make me gay all the same?” I asked. He thought for a moment, and then said, “I don’t know. You kissed a eunuch - once. Can you really be a gay when you're a eunuch, Sam? I mean to say, you aren’t exactly ‘male’ anymore. But then again, you’re both the same sex – or lack of sex. I don’t know. It’s sort of a paradox.” “What’s a paradox?” “Something that can’t happen but does.” “Oh,” I sighed. I shrugged my shoulders and just waited. “There’s nothing wrong with a bit of affection, you know. People develop feelings, man, woman or eunuch. It’s natural. And love isn’t the same as carnal lust, is it?” I didn’t really know how to answer. He left me thinking about being a eunuch who was having affectionate feelings for another eunuch.
As more time passed by me, I started filling out quite well over that endless summer. I grew three inches and gained fifteen pounds, most of it muscle. I didn’t think eunuchs could get muscular, but there was something about Uncle Harlan’s diet plan and the work that kept us all fit. I was even off my allergy meds and hadn't been sick once. School was going to start up as usual, and school clothes were no different, only newer and clean. The apprehension was the same. The day before the first day, I remember standing in front of my mirror, severe buzz and earrings, bright white T and khaki shorts. We were allowed the brown thick-soled sandals or white tennis shoes for school. I opted for the sandals. I thought I looked pretty good. I had even tanned from working outdoors, although I still wasn't and wouldn't ever be as dark as Chad. I wondered what would happen when winter came, and what had become of that pale, sickly looking shrimp of a boy who had found himself lost here in the middle of the night so long ago. I was brought out of my reverie by the sound of Jimmy's Grand Prix coming up the lane. The car had a one-of-a-kind sound to it. I ran to my window and looked down. He stopped by the porch, and both doors opened. The passenger door opened slower, and my heart skipped when I saw Chad get out. But his head was down, and he had a large bag as well as his backpack. Jimmy was carrying two other bags. The trunk deck was popped. I knew what had happened. I met them in the vestibule. Chad lifted that perfect face of his to meet my gaze, his black eyes brimming with unshed tears. Jimmy stepped by us and went on up the stairs with Chad's luggage. I knew where it was going, and I didn't mind. We just stood there for a few moments, taking each other in. He took a tentative step forward and I extended my hand, new calluses and all. He took it, hard, and pulled me close. He buried his face in my shoulder and let go to a series of deep, painful sobs. I could feel his tears soaking my white T, but I didn’t' mind. I wished I were taller. After what seemed like hours, he pulled back, placing his hands on my shoulders. "I don't know where I'll be going." he almost choked. “No one wants me.” Then my dad and Uncles were there. "You've gone as far as you're going, youngin', " Uncle Harlan announced in that one-of-a-kind voice of his. Chad just stared at them, embarrassed at being caught crying. He didn't get it. "You're staying here with me, " I told him. "With US, " Uncle Ray corrected. I remember it got sort of overly emotional and gushy right about then. We all skipped the first day of school to bury Chad's mom, and at a great and scandalous argument at the cemetery, laid her to rest INSIDE the fence, facing East, awaiting the Second Coming. Then we took Chad home. To our new home. Home ... where there was peace and quiet. We all had school in the morning. They put us all to bed a bit earlier that night, backpacks filled and ready to go, new white T’s and shorts set out in advance. As usual, my Dad came in to see us to bed, which we weren’t in yet. Chad was brushing his teeth, and I was just coming out of the bathroom from showering. We all just sort of stopped for a moment, then I realized I was naked. I hadn’t thought a thing about it. Both of them looked me up and down, then looked me in the face. It was Chad who spoke first. “You healed up a bit smoother than I did, Sam, “ with a grin playing at the corners of his mouth. I know I blushed. I could feel the heat rising. “It’s a fine piece of work, Sam. Nothing to be embarrassed about at all, “ my Dad supplied. I remember I looked down too, remembered what I had had, and suddenly didn’t mind it at all. Chad tossed me my white nightshirt, I pulled it on, and on the way to my own bed, he pulled me close and hugged me. I returned the favor. There probably hadn’t been much affection in Chad’s life, but he sure had it now. I heard my Dad say, “You and your brother get to bed, school in the morning.” And it made me feel warm inside. I had always wanted a bigger family. I hated being alone so much. Of course, we were both tucked in and kissed goodnight every night. It might sound sort of dumb, but I actually liked it. It didn’t take long, though, of sharing my room with Chad before we were overcome by curiosity. He hadn’t been there too long, in fact, when dad left the room and I got up quietly and went to his bed. I’d wondered for a long time, and dad never had gotten back with me on what I’d asked him about. Paradox or not, I wanted to know something. “Chad?” “Yea?” He replied in a sleepy voice. I was suddenly glad it was dark and he couldn’t see my face flushing. “Chad, you remember that time I kissed you?” “Yea, why?” “I, uh … well … I just wanted you to know, and I’m just gonna say it! Dad didn’t know, so what the heck! I like you Chad. I dunno what I’m feelin’, or why or how, but I like bein’ around you. I just wanted to make sure you knew.” Then he laughed. I was crushed for a moment, but then I felt a hand on my arm. There was just enough light in the room from a quarter moon outside to make out his shape. “Sam, I been wantin’ to say it too, but I didn’t know how you’d take it. I owe your family a lot, takin’ me in when my mom died. But I like you too. I was just afraid to say it.” I could feel my heart skip, and had that funny feeling in my smooth crotch again. I sat down on his bed, and he sat up. It just sort of happened. He was touching me, and I was touching him, and suddenly we were hugging. I wanted to kiss him again, and I did. He returned that kiss, and I just held onto him. I’d never had that kind of affection before, only a bit from my dad lately. But I was feeling that darker skin of his, wondering for so long what he felt like. My hands were moving over him, and his were moving over me. ALL over me. I guess we must have peeled our nightshirts off somehow, and I found out that Chad had a devious streak in him. He tossed them over towards the door, switched on a small table top lamp, and stuffed them over the crack under the door. He turned and smiled at me, and I found I could hardly breath. I just stared at him, taking in the sight of his slightly muscular but lean form and that smooth crotch, just like mine. He came back to the bed, and we began exploring. It felt strange, having him touch me there. No one had done that before, at least when I could feel it! I touched him too, and he shuddered. I was feeling very strange, and he said that he was too. Then he sighed. “There’s not much we can do to each other,” he said sadly. “I dunno about sex, Chad,” I replied. “I just like you touching me.” He smiled, and I knew I wanted nothing else but to keep touching him. It was about all we could do anyway, touch. We must have run our hands over every inch of each others’ bodies, just feeling the smooth, warm skin and those odd feelings that we didn’t understand. It felt good to just curl up against one another, close and tight. Chad’s skin was warm on mine, and every now and then he’d groan and just hold me tighter. It felt good, and it just kept feeling better. I know we both got the shakes after a while, and we were both sweating pretty bad. It just felt too good to stop, though. I think we must have gone to sleep that way, because I know dad came in to check on us the next morning. He just smiled as he shook us awake, shaking his head and laughing. I was very relieved, and he could tell. “Son,” he told me with a smile, “There’s no sex in the absence of sexual organs, is there? I mean, neither of you are technically of either sex now. You really can’t HAVE sex, can you? So is it wrong? No.” I know we just stared at him, and then we laughed as he helped get us up and off to our first day of school.
We got on the school bus around 7:30 A.M. and had an hour or so ride. We picked up a lot of other students. The girls here, I found, were unusually friendly, unlike the ones I had known in the city. I kept hearing the phrase, “Check out the new kid.” Maybe it was because they knew that a boy in white wasn’t a threat to them and didn’t want anything. Maybe it was because I looked a bit different than the rest; I still wasn’t that big for my age yet, although I was slowly getting there. There were other boys though, that we knew, who weren’t wearing white and were probably very frustrated. I often wondered which was worse at first - castration or a belt. I didn’t really like the belt idea, the more I thought about it. Having my nearly bald head rubbed was quickly getting on my nerves, though. No one would have done that in the city, I thought - then remembered, I wasn’t there anymore. I had sort of a rough first term, but you usually do in a new school. It settled down a bit when people found out where I lived. It was always amusing to see one of my tormentors brought to the huge old house over the summer. It seemed my family enjoyed a bit of celebrity in this town; I was also stunned to find out one day that Doc was actually some sort of 2nd cousin removed so many times or something. Still, I had my direct cousins and Chad; and Travis, being a few grades down, had a few other friends who were intact boys, not yet old enough for belts. In fact, I think he was the only one in white in his class. On weekends and breaks, that huge old house of ours was usually crowded with stray kids, and Uncle Harlan was in his element every night as he served meal after meal of unbelievable proportions. It was the height of his glory. Seems that in rural areas, there’s always someone who has the house where all the friends hang out. In my case, it was our place. We joined all the clubs that jr. hi. had to offer, and were especially fond of the new school’s swim team. This little town was moving right on up in the world, it seemed. I could go on for a long time about that, needless to say, the blue Speedo-type’s they made us wear for the team swims with the gold school emblem were very tight and there was no doubt as to whom was a eunuch and who wasn’t! I still got a laugh out of the shower-time anxiety though. You could always tell who was used to it and who wasn’t. In time, my grades went up and I continued to improve physically. Seemed that everything they had told me about life here had been right. My dad still came to see me off to sleep every night, and Chad as well since we shared a room; more often that not, we shared a bed as well. I wondered how our lives had ever gone on before without the bond that we now had, and I was perfectly content to share him with Chad. He’d never had a dad before, but then again, I really hadn’t either. How many of those forehead kisses had I missed out on all those years? And I had someone to share them with, too. I couldn’t have asked for more. We finally had peace and quiet at last, and I understood it.
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