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WHAT TO DO WITH ALL THOSE EXTRA MANHOODS? What do you do with a severed penis, whether or not you are the one who cut it off? If you're Laura Smith, the last thing you do is throw it away. Smith, who has cut off a number of men's penises, has found a plethora of uses for them. "To me, a penis works even when it is not attached to the man." That is why she has just published "101 Uses for a Severed Penis" (Off-The-Wall Publishing, $21.95). A coffee-table book that is not for the squeamish, Smith's book includes photos of men's manhoods being used for everything short of their biological purpose. So what can you do once you've separated them from their masters? Take a walk through her house, and you will see. There are over 120 of the organs put to good use. There is the usual use as a dildo, which requires medical preparation of the organ. Smith herself has five of these, all photographed with her in her harness. She uses them as doorstops, in which she has hollowed them out and fit them over existing doorstops. Indeed, a penis can fit over any knoblike structure. She has a penis straw for drinking. A penis salt shaker with holes at the top. "These are real men's real penises," Smith says. "My women friends find it both wonderful and interesting. I host a lot of parties." And what do men think of her artistic endeavors? "Men tend to be embarrassed and shy when they see them. But some actually like them. I find those men who are unthreatened by my work to be the most attractive to me. In fact, the man I'm dating just loves them. He loves to drink out of my penis straw, and use my penis pencil. I joke that if he isn't nice to me, I'm going to turn his little organ into something useful." TEACHER REPRIMANDED FOR GLOATING ABOUT PENECTOMY A college professor of literature was reprimanded today for what complaining male students said was a prolonged talk on depriving men of their manhoods. Professor Lynn Pointon spoke for nearly the entire hour about two lines in the book "Adventures of a Wilderness Explorer." The lines in question mentioned how the heroine cut off her traveling companion's penis in a fit of rage when she found him sleeping with a local woman. "She just stood there talking over and over about how some men just deserved it," said one male student. "She kept describing what it must have looked like. And she was giggling the whole time. Then she described how the woman in the book must have felt about it. She kept saying, 'and Katherine just came up and cut it off.' It was the 'cut it off' part that hurt so much to hear. The teacher said it so gleefully, so evilly. Then she said to us, 'What do you suppose she must have done with his penis? Thrown it away? Kept it?'" Some students in the class offered answers. One young woman said she should have worn it around her neck as a warning to her male companion. Female students shrugged the matter off. "Big deal," said one. "Women get their clits cut off all the time. What's a little turning of the tables? Can't you big, tough men handle it?" Female students vowed to discuss the matter more in the class's discussion period later in the week. They challenged their male classmates to join them. "We'll see how manly they really are," one woman giggled. The reprimanding did not include any serious penalties. "It's not fair to us," said one male student. "If this were a woman getting cut, all hell would break loose. But if it's a man, people think it's a big joke." A female student responded, "Then you men have to get together and make your voices heard if you don't like losing your (word deleted). Frankly, I think you find it just as interesting as we women do." GIRL GANGS SACRIFICE BOYFRIENDS' PENISES IN TURF WARS In a gruesome testament to the growing power of women, some young men are having to offer more than just their love to their girlfriends. In these cases, it is their manhood itself that is put on the block -- literally. Female gangs in this city have put their boyfriends' penises on the line. Where turf wars often result in lost gang territory, some are now claiming the penises of the losing side. Female gang members are known for having multiple boyfriends. When a big fight between gang leaders is about to break, each leader will hand over one of her boyfriends -- typically, the one with the biggest penis -- to the other. The winner is then allowed to cut off the losing boyfriend's organ. "And what happens is that the winner never wants the guy anyway, and he has to go back to his gang to humiliate the loser." But that isn't much of a loss for the woman. "Everyone knows we have other lovers," said one unidentified gang leader. "If a man loses his winky, I have others. But what we've found is that after they lose them, they become more devoted to us. They spend a lot of time pampering us and giving us service on their knees." All-female gangs started this trend a few years ago to demonstrate their power over men and over each other. The ceremony is secret, but it involves tying the man down naked and first giving him oral sex. According to gang members, this is a test of toughness, as fellating a large penis takes finesse and self-control. The woman swallows the sperm with gusto, whether she likes it or not. Then the man is lifted by his penis so that it is tight, and the victorious woman cuts it off in one swift motion. She keeps the penis for herself and leaves the man to be taken by his girlfriend. None of them has been prosecuted, as the activity is closely guarded by gang members. But over 40 young men have come into emergency rooms without their penises. |