I sat in the late-night bar, on a by-street…not a seedy part of town, but not the best part either. Rain soaked streets reflected neon signs and the occasional car’s headlights, but mostly it was just a sad, quiet part of town, sort of like the painting “Nighthawks” by Edward Hopper, just not as brightly lit, less windows…and a collective mood of the patrons, bartender, and one sad 40-ish cocktail waitress of ennui and having seen too much …or too little … of life.

I nursed my gin as my head began to buzz and swim from the previous gins I’d had that evening. My hotel room was only half a block away, so I didn’t fear, or care, about making it to my room without getting stopped for public intoxication. At this point in my life, I just didn’t care any more. The pain in my crotch was giving way to the gin-induced stupor that I often had to seek at such times. The recent loss of my cock and balls had been brutal, unexpected, and very painful…in fact, it had almost been lethal, but I was “saved” from death and given this different form of death…slowly dying from sadness, anger, alcohol, and regrets.

What I had felt three hours earlier was, according to my doctor, a “phantom pain” where my cock and testicles used to be. Sometimes it was just an itch…my imaginary balls or cock would start itching and pulsing, and no amount of scratching would make it go away. The doctor said pain medication would be useless, since there is no actual pain there…in fact there is nothing there TO itch or hurt.

But worst of all, usually when I wake in the morning or sometimes just when I’m half asleep, I will also get a phantom hard-on and want to fuck a woman…or ANYTHING… something fierce!! I wake up dreaming of my bitch of an ex-wife, the woman who caused all these problems, and as much as I hate her, I also lust after her, her soft luscious pussy, the wet slick feel of it around my cock…my cock that I no longer have, my cock that is now HER cock, on the mantle of the fireplace in her bedroom, the bedroom she now shares with her gorgeous lesbian lover.

I won’t bore you with ALL of the details of how this came about…in a nutshell (no jokes, please, about my own lack of nuts or ball sacs, my nutshells) my wife started out as any other wife, gradually turned into a Dominatrix with me as her sub (a position I dearly loved), and our play evolved over time from simple dominance and bdsm games, to severe electro-CBT torture play, to including others, both men and women and also couples, into our play. She had me in time, much against my initial tendencies, sucking cocks, eating her creampies, eating other women’s creampies, being fucked by strap-ons and some of the bulls she came to know in time…the full panoply of bdsm play. It was in a final break with me that she had me completely emasculated and nullified in front of a group of women who were urging her on…she got me properly drunk and high on cocaine, pot, and valium, got me to agree (eagerly, in fact) to being nullified, and a doctor friend of hers quickly performed the procedure before a mesmerized and rowdy crowd of watchers and Doms and Dommes and subs and general hangers on…people who would never have such extreme modifications themselves, but who didn’t mind watching as another poor creature was treated in this way…they rather enjoyed themselves, and not a few were visibly aroused as my masculinity was being cut away that they engaged in copulation, oral sex, and masturbation, all enjoying what the them was just another show or exhibition. Never mind that I was losing my genitals…that I had been drugged and duped into it by a manipulative wife and her various lesbian lovers of that time. To them, it was just something to watch this weekend…next week there would be some other drama for them to watch and get off on, but tonight it was my castration and nullification that got them off…no big deal.

The next afternoon I awoke in bed all alone and a shunt sticking out of my crotch…when I had to go pee I realized I could not stand to do so, and I sat on the toilet and pissed and wept as realized in the light of day, with the drugs worn off, what had happened to me. The phantom pain began that night…it felt like a knife or hot iron was at the base of my non-existent cock, and a dull throbbing pain emanated from my missing testicles. I cried out loud in pain, and my wife called her doctor friend. She said it was just “phantom pain” and should subside in time, laughed at me and my smooth crotch, admired her work, and then left. After a few weeks of this, my wife decided it was time for me to go, my constant crying in pain was getting on her nerves, she said.

My wife now lives in our former home, and lives there with her lovely lesbian lover, the one who convinced her to nullify me. Long story…but I agreed to it, even signed the papers before being firmly tied down and made into not just a eunuch, but a nullified nothing…neither male nor female…I can’t fuck and no one can fuck me, at least in any genitalia that I might have…all I have is a tiny pee hole and I have to squat or sit to piss. There is no nerve left for me to feel any sexual enjoyment. I’m just nothing…I have tiny little breasts that are beginning to show, and they are tender, but no sexual arousal.

But the PAIN!!! My god, I never realized the phantom pain would exist, and it can be quite awful. After my wife tired of having me around…which took about 3 or 4 weeks after my nullification… she turned her full attention to her new lover and told me to leave. She and her lover both have high-paying executive jobs, and I was never a ball of fire in the work world, so she has me on a small allowance…enough to afford rent at an apartment in the low rent district, to eat on, and to drink my troubles away.

The pain is never fully gone….sometimes it’s like the hot iron I previously described, but sometimes it feels like a hot poker being pushed down my cock through the urethra. Sometimes it feels like a long hatpin being pushed through my balls.

I know what those things feel like, because I’ve experience real CBT back when I had a cock and two balls...back then it was mild, and I enjoyed it. But now I remember it in the form of a pain I can do nothing about.

Although the doctor assured both my wife and me that the pain would eventually subside, it really never has. Sometimes it wakes me up at night….sometimes the pain is intense, and sometimes it’s just a phantom erection, needing a pussy or mouth to end my sexual frustration, but no relief is possible. Only once, and it was in a dream, did I have an orgasm…I was fucking my Dominant wife, something she rarely allowed toward the end of our marriage, but I was fucking her, pumping in and out and I erupted in a wonderful climax, shooting my seed deep into her pussy….but I awoke and it was just a dream. I would give anything to have that dream again…or even experience what I can no longer experience. But I can’t recapture the dream…now it’s just the pain and an occasional imaginary hard-on and desperately wanting to fuck someone.

Imagine having that kind of pain and not being able to scratch, touch, rub, or do anything about it….it just is. So that’s why I drink now…it eases the pain. Women at this bar, including even the sad 40-ish cocktail waitress, have all tried to pick me up or put the move on me. They’re sad cases, just like I am…and under any other circumstance we would be suited for each other. But I have very little interest in sex and have absolutely no way of doing anything sexual with a woman, ever again… at least in a way that I would find meaningful and satisfying. This is my life….closing time is 20 minutes away, so I think I will have one more gin before going home and trying to sleep.