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Mark’s invitation for boy to take his time provided a welcome relief as boy realised that he was in deep water. Although Mark had said that they were not focusing on the act of castration, boy’s fascination with whether the story teller was a eunuch or a man had taken them straight into that issue. And boy had faced up to whether he would be a slave - fit, healthy and happy and nonetheless a slave and even a eunuch. Then Mark had hastened on to boy’s hopes, had he been too hasty or too reserved – Mark seemed to have suggested some hopes but how did these relate to boy’s own feelings. "Remember we’re thinking ten years hence," Mark had said and boy remembered his gaze moving down, down to Mark’s chest with those prominent nipples and on to Mark’s groin. ‘Was he hoping to be a eunuch in ten years’ time ?’ boy had asked himself, ‘Was he hoping to be a slave then ? What about his career ? "I’m also wondering whether I’m looking at someone with a successful City career," boy recalled saying before Mark had begin to probe his fears. "Could we go back a bit, Mark ?" "Certainly, boy !" "Well, as I think about hopes again lots come flooding in, they’re conventional ones like having enjoyable work, enjoyable relationships, prospects work wise and longer term companionship." "I want to be glad about the last ten years and not filled with regrets. I want to have space and to be providing other people with space to be themselves just as I am wanting to be myself." "I want to be content with the person that I’ve become and not finding myself hard to live with both personally and from the point of view of those around me." "Yes, I am pretty worried about being well. I’ve read scary stuff not just about AIDS but about a whole range of nasty bugs and nasty things that happen to guys who get too careless." "It’s not just about getting ill but being abandoned by friends and family – I’ve seen what happens to those who don’t have anyone to stand up for them in the NHS !" "I suppose that a good thing about what you are asking me is that I’m having to step beyond virtual reality and think about the hostile environment that I can imagine in the midst of the kind hospitality that you have offered. Look I’m sorry it my fears sound like implicit criticism…" "It’s OK, boy," said Mark reaching out a hand to boy’s leg, "you and I are here to do some exploring and we fight as well face up to the potential pitfalls as well as imagining some pleasures." "I guess I worry Mark, about being inadequate." "It’s ironic that I’m probably a sub because I felt inadequate as a young lad and now I’m worrying about being the sort of inadequate sub that gets ditched by any half decent Master." Mark sat back as boy poured out these thoughts – this mixture of fears about what was inside him as well as what lay outside. There were questions here which were just as relevant to boy’s future as whether he kept his balls, questions about the risks a guy takes in coming out and seeking to build any gay relationships let alone questions of infection or injury. Clearly boy had been exploring but Mark guessed there was a good deal more exploration to take place. There had been a pause on boy’s part. His conscious mind seemed to be running to catch up with what his unconscious seemed to have spewed out ! And boy’s thoughts had flipped to uncle, to the decisions that uncle had clearly taken over the years and to the risks that uncle had taken. Questions of whether uncle was "diseased" came into boy’s mind – "diseased" that was how boy termed it to himself unsure whether he was talking of mental as well as physical sickness. ‘Help,’ boy thought, ‘what was he seeing as disease ? Being gay, being a sub, being emasculated, being here today ?’ A feeling of panic seemed well up from his stomach into his mouth, a gut feeling, that silenced the flow of words – what was he talking about with a man who had been a complete stranger just a short time before – could he trust Mark who seemed such a good character if Mark were involved in the sort of deception that uncle must have been living for years ?
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