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It was all my own fault. I made two awful mistakes which I've regretted ever since and will until I die, which, at my present age, won't be very long in coming. It was 1935, near the bottom of the Great Depression, and I was 18 years old and VERY horny.I had never gotten laid and that made me antsy as all hell. It wasn't easy then for an 18-year-old to buy a rubber. The best place to get them was from the vending machine in the men's room of a gas station. I KNOW I bought one at Ruff's Socony station and put it in my wallet. One hot summer night, I went out for a walk because it was so fuckin' hot in my rented room that I couldn't stand it. After walking for a while, I saw a woman standing under a streetlight with one hand on her hip, a whore if I ever saw one. I got a boner right away and went up to her and asked her "How much ?" I was right about my guess. She said "$13.50." That was a week's wages for me at the warehouse, so I Jewed her down to $10.00 which was all I had. We went up to her rented room in a rooming house much like mine. When I got there, I looked in my wallet for the rubber, but I couldn't find the damn' thing. I KNOW it was there last week. I was too horny to let that stop me, though. I decided to take the chance.Although I didn't have anything to compare it with, from the way it felt, I guessed that it was a pretty damn' good fuck. At least, it took the pressure off my nuts. As I walked back to my rooming house, I felt pretty proud of myself. Finally, I had gotten laid ! Two days later, I wasn't so happy about it. When I got up and pissed in the morning, it felt like somebody had hit my cock with a mallet. It hurt like fury. I knew what that must mean: I had caught the clap. One of the fellows I knew had told me that the clap was nothing, basically just a cold in the cock, and nothing to worry about. Later in the day, though, my cock was running just like my nose would run if I had a cold. I had only 3 pairs of undershorts and 2 pairs of pants and I decided that I couldn't let a "cold in the cock" mess them up. Catching the clap in the first place was the first bad mistake. What I did next was the second. I have a very long foreskin, and so, to keep the pus from my cock from getting on my undershorts and pants, I tied it off with a piece of string the next morning.I didn't give a thought to where the pus would go if it couldn't get out. By evening, when I untied my foreskin, I didn't feel so good down below. By balls ached and I had a dull ache in my crotch near my asshole. I had some trouble pissing, too. The next morning, I found that I'd messed up one of my 3 pairs of undershorts and the sheets in my bed. I quickly tied up my foreskin, though I had only been able to get a few drops of piss out. When I got home from the warehouse, I was in misery. It took me 20 minutes to squeeze out about half a cupful of piss and I had a backache. My belly was swollen and my balls ached as if I'f been kicked there. When I took a shit, I had an awful pain in my crotch. Still, like an asshole, I tied up my foreskin again to keep from messing up the sheets. I woke up about 4:00 in the morning in awful pain. My balls were swollen up as big as my fists and were so sensitive that I could hardly touch them. My belly was so swollen I looked as if I was going to have a kid. amd I could NOT piss at all.I had such an awful backache that I could hardly stand up. When I put the back of my hand on my forehead, I could tell that I was running a high fever too.I sat up in a chair for a couple of hours and then put a nickel in the pay 'phone in the hall and called a doctor. I told him my trouble and what I'd done and he said he'd be there as soon as he could. It took him about 20 minutes. He took my temperature, felt my balls, and stuck his finger up my ass and touched something that hurt so much that I nearly jumped thru the ceiling. Then he went out to the pay 'phone and called an ambulance. On the way to the hospital, he explained what I'd done wrong. By tying off my foreskin, I forced the pus back into my bladder and my prostate gland and down into my balls, spreading the disease and infecting them too. He told me that my kidneys were infected and that my life was in danger. "Just from the clap ?" I asked. "It's a much more serious disease than lots of you young fellows realize. It can cause blindness and it CAN have fatal complications." For the next few days, I was unconscious a lot of the time and didn't really realize what was going most of the time.When I woke up after passing the crisis, Dr. Sayers, the doctor I'd called, explained what they'd had to do. "Your testicles and your prostate gland were suppurated; they were practically nothing but bags of pus and they had to be removed to prevent septicemia, that is, blood poisoning. Prostatectomy, the operation involved in removing the prostate gland, usually destroys the erectile nerves to the penis and is believed to have done so this time as well.Inasmuch as your testicles have been removed, you will probably not have much of a sex urge, but you may,after everything is healed, be able to derive some pleasure from masturbation. You may find it necessary to seek some less strenuous employment than your job at the warehouse, inasmuch as you should anticipate a loss of up to 50% in muscular strength and stamina. You may lose most of the hair on your trunk and limbs and it is possible that you will grow small breasts. Unless you watch your diet VERY carefully, it is likely that you will become obese." If I understood him rightly, then, I was going to lose my manhood and become fat, soft, and weak, and start to look like a woman. Well, he was right about all of it. It was more than ten years before hormone treatments were affordable, and even if I took them, I'd always be impotent, so taking them would just frustrate me. I've lived without sex except for occasional jerking off, ever since, a pretty damn' dull life. |