Kenny 13: College At Last

Kenny Part 13: College at Last

Time really started to fly after our "party" at Rodney's house. Before the end of October I was extremely busy learning all the Christmas music we were planning at the church. Mrs. Atkins had asked if I thought I could play Handel's "Hallelujah Chorus", and of course I said yes. I found it, plus a few more selections, a little more difficult than I'd expected; but at that time in my life I had developed enough self-confidence at the organ that I'd try anything! This was, I thought, truly my calling and I had begun to seriously wonder if I should consider a career in music. Musically, this Christmas was promising to be a great one!

Kenny and I kept a really low profile after our experience. For the time being I was content to be something of an outcast, so there were no more parties and few dances. Our only dance partners were each other, in the living room of the Collins home when we were alone. We both stopped dating girls altogether, which kept us more or less insulated from the social situations where not being "normal" would cause a problem.

My next useful bit of education occurred one morning during the regular worship service. As was my custom, after all the music was finished and the Minister got up to preach his sermon, I left the organ console and sat in the front pew with Kenny. As he opened his Bible and began to read, I was immediately drawn to a word I’d never heard before. “For there are some eunuchs,” he read, “which were so born from their mother’s womb; and there are some eunuchs, which were made eunuchs of men; and there be eunuchs, which have made themselves eunuchs for the kingdom of heaven’s sake. He that is able to receive it, let him receive it.”

The topic of the sermon was marriage and divorce, but I hardly heard most of it. I had never heard the term ‘eunuch’ before, or if I had I didn’t remember. But what was a eunuch? And what did all that have to do with marriage? As the sermon went on, I found myself thumbing through the concordance of my Bible, searching for other occurrences of the word. To my surprise there were many, mostly in the Old Testament. But still I had no idea what the word meant. Nevertheless I determined to find out, because the passage the preacher had read had said something about men making themselves eunuchs for the good of the kingdom of Heaven, and in my state of mind I thought that anything I could do to offset the horrible sin of my sexuality couldn’t hurt. In my state of mind, I could use all the help I could get.

Really curious now, I made a dive for the dictionary as soon as we were home from church. What I found there shocked me to my very toes. The article was very brief, stating simply that a eunuch was a castrated man or boy, commonly used in ancient times in caring for harems and other duties of servitude. There was a vague reference to the Castrati of Italy and how they were used extensively in choirs of the Roman Catholic church, but that was all. Now I was really confused!

Predictably, I asked the Pastor about it when I saw him Thursday night. He always showed up just before choir practice to go over the music selections for Sunday with me. Knowing my inexperience, he was very considerate that way, always giving me time to practice anything I wasn’t sure about. “I was wondering about that scripture passage you read last Sunday,” I said nervously. “I’m not sure I understand what it meant.”
“It’s really very simple,” he answered. “The first part was dealing with the sanctity of marriage, and the last few verses dealt with the importance in God’s eyes of children.”
“I know all that,” I countered. “But right in the middle there is a verse about eunuchs. I just don’t understand what eunuchs have to do with anything.”

There was a long pause before the preacher answered me. Before he even spoke I already knew that he didn’t know the answer either; I also knew he would do his best, because that’s the way he was. He eventually spoke about the eunuchs out of their mother’s womb, explaining that it probably had something to do with boy babies who were born with undescended testicles. “There are medical procedures to treat that condition now,” he declared. “But back then it was more or less believed that they’d been born without testicles, and therefore eunuchs from birth.”

He went on to explain to me that many men and boys were castrated to become slaves who looked after harems, or other positions where sexual activity and reproduction were inappropriate or undesirable. He also gave me a little more insight into the Castrati of Italy, the why’s and when’s and how’s of castrating young boys to preserve their high voices. “But what about the others?” I demanded. “It says there are some eunuchs who made themselves eunuchs for the kingdom of heaven’s sake. Does that mean they castrated themselves?”

After another long pause, the preacher stated that he simply didn’t know. He speculated that perhaps if a man found that he could not control his sexuality, that perhaps it would be better to become a eunuch than to sin against God. He then quoted a passage from the Sermon On The Mount: “And if thy right hand offend thee, cut it off and cast it from thee: for it is profitable for thee that one of thy members should perish, and not that thy whole body should be cast into hell.”

Well, it couldn’t get much clearer than that. In my mind it was black and white: if you couldn’t control your sexuality, then you should get rid of it. The only problem was, I wasn’t sure what I was doing was a sin. Oh yes, my little extracurricular encounters had been sinful, I already knew that; but my relationship with Kenny... I still couldn’t see how that could possibly be a sin in spite of what most of my Christian friends would be quick to tell me. But at least I had a pretty clear idea that becoming a eunuch would not prevent me from being a Christian, and that was important to me. I had very little time to brood on it though, so the incident was soon forgotten, at least for the present.

We got a new pianist at St. Lukes towards the end of October. She had transferred her membership from another church in town, in fact the church I had grown up in; I understood her reasons before she even told me. Her name was Peggy Stephens, and she and I clicked from the first time we met. She was older than my 17 years, but not all that much. I think she was 20 or so. Her style was exactly like mine; she was pleasant to talk to, and best of all, she had no expectations that our relationship would ever be anything but musical. She told me unashamedly that she wanted to become the organist some day because she'd heard that I'd be leaving to go to college. She could play the organ, but she'd had no training, so by her own admission she had a lot to learn. We became instant friends. It was truly refreshing to have a friend, and female at that, with whom I could share anything and everything with no threats, no concerns that something I said would be interpreted as a come-on. Mrs. Atkins was still the boss, but she limited her activities to directing the choirs and choosing most of the music.

The coming of fall marked a decline in the number of motorcycles on the road, and with it my job. So I was again unemployed. Eventually I got back on at the Phone company. I didn't tell them that it was temporary because I probably wouldn't get the job; but I was beginning to wonder again if it might be permanent. This was a full-time night shift job, which seriously cut into our sex life. Not completely, mind you, because there were still the weekends. I think the fact that we couldn't fool around every night actually enhanced the times when we did get together, and Kenny felt very much the same. A good example was Thanksgiving Day weekend. For those who don't realize, Thanksgiving in Canada is observed in October, not November. It is always a Monday, so there is a three-day weekend. Kenny and I were both off, but we had made no plans at all. It was understood that we'd be together, whatever we did.

Monday morning, Thanksgiving, Kenny and I got out of bed around 8 AM. We'd gone to bed the night before and 'played' for about an hour, time enough for us both to anoint the other with our very special fluid, and then to mold our bodies into one and go to sleep, our hands exploring each other's bodies. I have never been able to find words to describe the feeling of Kenny's back, his perfect bubble butt, his muscular and yet soft shoulders. For his part, Kenny didn't care if I could describe it or not, as long as I kept my hands busy.

When we were up and showered, Kenny suddenly suggested "Let's go to the beach!"
"Are you crazy?" I protested. "It's cold! It'll be deserted!"
"Uh-huh," he grinned. "You catch on fast, my love."

I didn't have to ask Kenny what he had in mind, that was perfectly obvious from the look on his face. And so we borrowed the Collins car and we were off. By noon we were parked in the deserted parking lot next to the pavilion that had been such a madhouse only a little over a month ago. As we'd expected, we were all alone.

Kenny melted into my arms and looked into my eyes, a very slight smile on his face. "You know I love you?" he whispered.
"If I don't," I whispered back, "I must be kinda stupid, 'cause you tell me every day. But did you know I love you even more?"
"Not a chance!" He argued. "That's simply not possible! But you're free to try and prove it if you like."

And try and prove it I did. We'd never really done anything in the car before, but we made up for lost time that day. We sat together for an hour or so, just hugging and kissing, our breathing becoming more and more rapid. I absolutely loved these loving times with Kenny - times when the world stood still and we just kept our lips locked together while our hands roamed all over each other's body. I thought we would just sit there in the car, alone with each other, until Kenny started fiddling with my belt. Before I really realized what was happening, he was deep inside me and I was feeling his fullness, his beautiful 7 inch love probe as it slid gently in and out. When he reached orgasm, his entire body went rigid and he shuddered, emitted a loud "Ohhhhh, Charlieeeeeeeeeee!" and then I was being filled with Kenny's more than ample load. It was the first time he'd done that in quite a while, and it was so terrific I resolved not to wait so long before we did it again, so intense was his orgasm.

After we'd recovered, we dressed again and walked up and down the beach. It was cloudy and cold, but we didn't notice. It seemed to us that it had been so long since we'd been together like this, we just held hands and walked about a mile up the beach, then back to the car where Kenny insisted that I do the same to him that he'd done to me. I could still feel the glow of his love-making, could still feel the incredible sensation as Kenny's seminal fluid oozed out of my anus. I had decided long ago that I preferred the taste and sensation of Kenny's loads in my mouth, but there were times, like this one, when I was in a quandary as to which I really liked better. There was no question which Kenny preferred. As I was shooting into him, Kenny had another bone rattling orgasm, just like always.

After we'd put ourselves together again, we just sat in the car, listened to the radio, and tried to suck each other's tongues out by the roots. It was absolutely heavenly, and we felt closer than we'd felt in a very long time.

The rest of the school year was pretty uneventful, so I'm going to skip over it with just a summary. I spent a lot of time with Peggy, helping her with the organ and learning piano techniques from her. I never did tell her about Kenny and me and it was never discussed. There was no need, was there? We talked incessantly, but mostly about music, our ambitions, our likes and dislikes. I guess I grew to love her in a way, but not in any way that was threatening to Kenny or to me. And maybe most important, we covered for each other. If I had to work on a Sunday, Peggy played the organ. If she couldn't be there, I played the piano for her. I had never had a friend like Peggy before, and I was thankful for her.

Christmas that year was totally awesome! Peggy and I implemented all Mrs. Atkins' plans and added a few of our own. If I do say so myself we had one of the best music programs I have ever heard, and it lasted the entire month of December. I was treating this as my last Christmas at St. Luke's, and I really wanted to get it right. I think I did too, at least to my satisfaction. We played piano/organ duets, we each played solos, and of course we accompanied all the music the various choirs were doing. I felt my commitment to leave wavering, I was so fulfilled here at St. Lukes.

"Indiana?" I asked in total surprise, "What are you talking about, Indiana?" It was early March, and Mom Collins had just called Kenny and me into the kitchen and announced that she had found the perfect college for us: An Engineering school in Indiana.

"It's so right for you two!" She exclaimed. "I've already written to them and they said there should be no problem, that all they need to get the ball rolling is a personal letter from each of you, a copy of your transcripts, and you'll be able to start in September."

"Mom," I protested, "that's in the United States! I don't even know where Indiana is! I don't know what the weather's like there, I don't know anything about any college in the U.S., I don't..."

"Charlie," Kenny interrupted, "Shut up!"
"Excuse me?" I challenged.
"I said shut up! Mom's found something, and the least we can do is listen. So just quit with your pessimistic shit and give it a chance. Unless of course you have a better idea."

It didn't take long for me to realize that Mom had something here. It was indeed a very small college, giving degrees in Engineering and Science exclusively. It was absolutely made to order, and the fees seemed to be within our reach. So Kenny and I got out what had been his dad's typewriter and wrote our letters to Indiana Tech. Within two weeks we were accepted, and evidently on our way! I couldn't believe it! Now, at last, our course was set.

Or maybe not.

Another two weeks passed during which we told the world that we were going to Indiana to college, when the letters arrived. There was one for Kenny and one for me. Even though they were clearly from Indiana Tech, Mom respected our privacy and didn't open them. Fortunately, I got home first."What's it say?" Mom wanted to know as soon as I had opened it.
"Nothing really," I answered, "just some of that welcome stuff, you know, new students and all." I knew she wanted to see the letter, but I managed to keep it from her.

As soon as Kenny got home I took him aside and warned him not to reveal the contents to his mom. The letter had explained that since we would be foreign students and the school was required to certify to U.S. Immigration that we were students in good standing and were financially able to continue as such, we needed to keep up our grades, and we had to show upon admission that we could sustain ourselves for at least a year. They had done some calculations, they said, and they could only accept us as students if we could show that we had $2000 in cash, in addition to our first term’s tuition and other fees! I know that doesn't seem like much now, but in 1956 it was like a million dollars! "I should be able to get pretty close," Kenny said, "I've got around $1700 now."

"I'm not even close!" I said ruefully, "I figure by September I'll have about $1400. That's enough for my first term's tuition and books, some extra for room and board, and I figured I could work from there."
"So what're you gonna do?" Kenny asked.
"I have no idea," I answered. "I'll probably go see my dad and kiss his ass but I'm not that hopeful. Then maybe I'll just go with what I've got and see what happens."

"But they made it very clear," Kenny pointed out, "unless you can produce the cash, they won't admit you as a student. Maybe we should wait another year."
"No fuckin' way!" I erupted. "It's now or never for me. I just know if I don't do it now I never will. And I don't understand you! You're always the optimistic one, the one who always looks at the bright side of things. And you want to give up? Not a chance! If I haven't learned anything else from you, I've learned that we've got to go for it!"
"You're right, Charlie," he said, "I know you can do it. Remember the helicopters."

We wracked our brains trying to think of ways to earn more money, things to sell, but there seemed to be nothing. I went to see my father but there was no help there. As soon as I told him I was going to Indiana he bellowed even louder. Weren't Canadian schools good enough? Why not forget the whole thing because I'd never finish anyway, etc, etc. I won't bore my faithful readers with the details, except to say very proudly that I didn't lose my temper. I asked the question, answered the resulting third degree, then thanked him and left with my answer: NO! Well, maybe I really was growing up. He did say that if I got through the first year successfully that he’d be willing to help, for what good that was.

"It's ok, Charlie," Kenny soothed when we were again in bed together, "Mom will figure something out."
"I can't do that," I sniffled. "She's been so good to me, and I don't think she's having an easy time of it. I don't want her to know, Kenny. You've got to promise!" I knew he would do anything I asked, especially considering where my right hand was at that moment. His genitals were mine! And when I held them tightly, he knew I was absolutely serious. "Charlie," he whispered, "I can't go without you!"
"You won't have to," I promised. "I'm going to Indiana, money or not. I might not get in the first term, but I'm going! Now promise!" I said as I squeezed his nuts gently.
"Okay, I promise."

Sometimes we get support and help in areas where we least expect it. I had been carefully concealing my little problem because I didn't want it to get back to the Collins house. I knew that Mom would come up with the money somehow, but I also knew that it would be at her own sacrifice."So where are you going to college?" Peggy asked idly one Saturday morning after our regular rehearsal.
"Not sure," I answered. "Kenny and I were planning to go to Indiana, but I might not have enough money."
"That's too bad," she observed, and little more was said. What I didn’t know is that Peggy had then sought out Kenny and asked him what he knew about my financial problems.

"You really like Peggy don't you Charlie?" Kenny asked late one Friday night. We were lying in bed, having just made love, and were now doing our familiar after-glow activity: massaging each other gently, almost worshipfully, all over.
"Yeah," I answered dreamily, "she's a really nice girl. She's a helluva pianist too."
"Make a perfect match for you... she is so musical, you get along so well... do you think..."

I sat bolt upright in bed. "No, I don't think!" I stated loudly. "What exactly are you thinking Kenny? What exactly are you trying to say, that you're suspicious because I spend so much time with her?"
"Damn, Charlie!" Kenny said with surprise. "Calm down! I'm not accusing you, just asking. How come you're so touchy?"
"Shit, I dunno," I said sheepishly. "Now I guess I really am acting suspiciously. But for what it's worth, there's nothing going on, if that's your question."

"Well it wasn't my question," Kenny said, the hurt very plain in his voice. "But you've got to be wondering what she's thinking. I mean she really likes you, that's obvious, and you have so much in common..."
"We're colleagues, Kenny, no more. And I think she has to know by now that I'm not interested. I know she never shows me any sign that she's expecting any more than friendship. I know this sounds corny, but it's really important to me that St. Lukes has a good organist when I leave. I think Peggy is every bit as good as I am, and probably better. I know she’ll be better once she gets used to it."
"What about you, Charlie? Doesn't it even bother you that I don't know an A flat from a treble clef? Haven't you ever wondered what it would be like with her? I mean, like having her as a girl friend? Being normal? You've got to know you could have her if you wanted her."

"No I never have!" I stated honestly. Well, almost honestly. "I've got you... or have I?"
"Of course you have! What would make you think any different?"
"The last five minutes conversation, that's what! It's almost as if you're trying to make something of nothing."
"I didn't mean anything by it, honest! I was just wondering..."
"Well, you don't have to wonder," I said angrily, "unless of course you want to."

As soon as the words were out of my mouth I wished I could have called them back, but of course we can't, can we? It seemed that I was always flying off the handle like that lately, and I had no idea why! Maybe I was growing tired of Kenny. But if I was, then what? Could it be that my father was right, that two men simply could not live together in a long, loving relationship? Could it be possible that I was falling for Peggy and didn't even know it? I didn't know about all that, but I did know I had hurt Kenny, again! He uttered a sheepish "Goodnight, I love you," rolled over and in seconds was sound asleep. I lay awake, wondering what the hell was wrong with me. I knew without being told that I had developed a very short fuse, and I had just allowed Kenny to go to sleep wondering where he stood with me, something I would never have done a few short months ago.

It seemed like no time at all and June was upon us, and with it the end of another school year: our last, at least in this old school. Kenny and I totally murdered all our courses, coming out with all A's. Of course we weren't surprised because the courses had little substance to them. But we were pleased anyway, knowing that our overall average would look a little better. We worked hard over the summer, and before we were ready it was approaching the end of August, and time for us to pack. I'd had my eighteenth birthday which held little significance for me, the legal age was still 21. But it did occur to me that for one reason or another, I'd pissed away the two year advantage I'd had four short years ago. There was something intriguing to being a college freshman at 16, but 18 year old freshmen were everywhere.

I had one piece of unfinished business that June. My little friend Conrad had not returned to the choir, and I felt a need to find him and see how he was doing. It didn't take much effort to find his address because he was still on the rolls of the choir; so by the end of June I was walking up to his door and pushing the bell.

"Hi, Charlie!" Conrad said brightly when he opened the door. "How're ya doing?" He had grown a lot, and was about as handsome a boy as I had ever seen. His blond hair was longer and really complemented his facial features, which had lost their cherub-like qualities and turned him into a very handsome teen. He literally took my breath away.

"Doin' fine," I answered. "Question is, how are YOU doing?"
"Never better," he smiled. "I did really well in school this year and I'm lookin' forward to a great summer!"
"Can we talk?" I asked, "I mean, in private?"
"Come on in," he invited. "My parents are not here. It's just me and Amy."
"Amy?" I echoed. "Your sister?"
"No," he answered, "my girlfriend."

"But I thought..." I protested, "I thought you'd figured out that you liked guys." I should not have uttered that comment, and the look I got said as much. That look also told me that he was still very uncomfortable with himself, for whatever reason. But he gave me no clue as he led me into the living room and introduced me to a very pretty girl about his own age. We exchanged pleasantries, I tried once more to entice him back to the youth choir, and tried to maneuver him into a private conversation, but he was having none of it. Finally I gave up and left. To this day I don't know what happened to Conrad. The next time I was in town he had moved, and I lost all track of him.

"I saw Conrad today," I told Kenny as we had our quiet time.
"Yeah?" he said with interest. "How's he doing? I already know he is one great lookin' dude!"
"Yeah, he is. But as to how he's doing, I really don't know. But how did you know he's so great looking?"
"I saw him at school a couple times. He's grown so much I can't believe it! Where did you see him?"

I explained that I'd gone to his home, hoping... well I guess I had to admit I didn't know what I was hoping, only that I was concerned about him. I told Kenny what had happened, about the girl he'd had in the house... everything! "So what do you think?" he asked. "Is that the end of that? Was his crush on you just a passing fancy?"
"I don't think so," I answered. "He gave me a look that said nothing's really changed at all. I really wonder about him having a girl friend. It just seems so... so strange."
"What if it's just a front?" Kenny reflected. "What if he calls tomorrow and says he is ready for... well, you know... what if he did?"
"What the fuck are you accusing me of now, Kenny?" I flared. "Do you think I went to his house just so I'd see if I could get into his pants? Is that what you're saying?"
"Charlie," Kenny said in frustration, "You know better than that. I went along when we fooled around with Timmy didn't I?"

"Ok, that tears it!" I exclaimed as I jumped out of bed and went to the other twin bed in the room. "If you're gonna throw that in my face, I don't want to talk about it any more."
"Charlie... Please, I didn't mean it that way..."
"Exactly what way did you mean it, Kenny?"
"Please come back, and we'll talk. I only meant..."
"Damned if I'll come over there and listen to your accusations!" I fumed.

"Ok then," Kenny said calmly, "I'll come over there." And with that he did. He threw his arms around me, and I shrugged them off. I had been acting like a perfect asshole for the past year, and Kenny's answer was to love me! He didn't care about winning arguments, didn't care about the last word. All he wanted was for us both to be happy. This was the first time I had left our bed without being kicked out, and when I'd done it I even shocked myself! Kenny followed me and embraced me, and as always the magic of his touch, the incredible sensuous control of his eyes, made me stop and think. This scene had been repeated many times, and always there had been no apology from me, not even an acknowledgment that I'd done anything wrong. But this time was different.

"I don't know what's wrong with me," I sobbed. "I keep hurting you and flying off the handle at you, and I love you so much! I hate the way I've been acting!"
"Just relax," Kenny soothed as his magical hands roamed over my back. "I love you even if you are something of a shit!"
"Oh yeah?" I challenged, ready to fight. And then I saw the grin on Kenny's face. That disarming grin, embellished with those deep brown liquid eyes. "You horny fag!" I said with a breaking smile as I realized what he was doing. So that night I was beaten to submission in the twin bed that was never used: MY bed, it was supposed to be, but it had never been used until tonight. The sex that occurred that night defies description. Suffice to say I went to sleep feeling a bit sheepish, but there was no doubt in my mind where Kenny's love was directed.

It was the last Sunday in August. This was my last day as Organist at St. Luke's. I cannot come close to relating how I felt. This had been such a special thing for me, so rewarding and yet so stressful; It had imposed more responsibility than I was ready for, but after a successful Sunday full of services and whatever else I was always so totally at peace I could handle almost anything. I wanted the day to never end. But now not only was the day ending, another chapter in my life was ending. Next Tuesday we were leaving for Indiana. I still hadn’t saved nearly enough money but I didn’t care; I was going anyway.

Peggy and I played a piano and organ duet. I loved doing those duets. We always were in synch; we always knew what the other was doing and would do next; each of us would play a solo part with the other accompanying. Even though the piano and organ were situated about 30 feet apart, we were like one person playing both instruments! Today we had chosen a particularly moving arrangement of the old hymn "It Is Well With my Soul." But as we played I felt the tears burning in my eyes. I knew as we played that it was NOT well with my soul! I didn't want to leave this console, EVER! I didn't want to give up my position to Peggy because among other things, I knew that she would do a better job than I could ever hope to do! The selfish side of me didn't want to admit that anyone was better than I was, even though I knew it to be true.

When the pastor got up to speak, he asked me to leave the organ and come down to the platform. "Today I have a task that is both pleasant and unpleasant," he said when I was standing beside him. "Today we have to say good-bye to our organist. When Charlie started playing the organ I had serious doubts about one so young. Indeed he had a lot of rough edges, but his youthful enthusiasm and eagerness to learn resulted in a drastic change in our music program. You just heard the product of his efforts." He went on and on about talent, dedication, all the usual stuff that people say at times like this, and then he shocked me to my toes. "Charlie has a friend," he announced, "a very special friend. Kenny Collins, would you please come up here and join Charlie?"

"Oh my stars!" I thought. Had he just outed us? Did he know? And if so, how? What was coming now? I looked at Kenny when he was standing beside me, but there was no clue on his face that he knew what was coming. "Kenny and Charlie have been best friends for a long time," the preacher went on, "and Kenny has always been Charlie's biggest fan. Charlie spent many hours on Saturdays practicing, and there were very few times that Kenny was not seated with him on the bench, turning pages for him or just supporting him. Kenny told me that he doesn't know music and has no inclination to learn; but he was Charlie's most severe critic, in a positive way. I've never heard Kenny touch a finger to a key, but he has still made a large contribution to the music here at St. Lukes. And now they are both going off to college together. Kenny, Charlie, you two give each other the same support in your new endeavor that we've seen here, put your trust in God, and there's nothing you can't do!"

Mrs. Atkins appeared and began to speak. "Charlie," she said, “when we heard you were leaving, then heard that your financial situation wasn't all that you'd like it to be, we started a fund. I wish it were more, but perhaps this will get you started anyway. I'm pleased to present you with a check for twelve hundred dollars, collected from all the choirs and musical groups in the church over the past few months.”

If I may, let me put this into perspective. We have all been in organizations and groups where such collections are made for one of the group. The usual yield of such collections is twenty dollars, fifty dollars, perhaps as much as a hundred. But $1200 was totally off the page! In 1956 one could almost buy a brand new car for $1200! How did they know? How in the world had they collected so much? Why?

My knees went weak. Tears erupted in my eyes. Mrs. Atkins was holding out both hands; one with the check in it, the other seeking mine to shake hands. I ignored both and embraced her. Then I saw Kenny's face. He was absolutely radiant! I threw my arms around him and we embraced, and we both cried. Then we kissed. We didn't think about it, we just did it! I was standing beside the pulpit of a large Baptist church, still wearing my organist's robe, kissing unashamedly. And the congregation was applauding! This had to be the most wonderful experience of my life up to that point, and for a long time after! Yes, I now had more than enough money to start school, but it was so much more than that. It was the love and concern that I felt; the kind of love that Christianity teaches, demands even, but is absent all too often.

After Kenny and I released our embrace and got our emotions more or less under control again, I felt I had to say something. I stood behind the pulpit and said things like: "This is such a surprise," "Thank you," etc... All empty phrases that really didn't mean anything and I knew that as I said them. And then my emotions took over again, and with my voice breaking I heard myself saying "I want everyone to know exactly what you've done. Only a few people knew this, but the fact is I didn't have enough money to start college this fall. I was going to Indiana with Kenny anyway because that's just the way it is: where Kenny goes, I go. But now there's more than enough to get me started, and I'm so grateful!"

The pastor said a prayer for us, thanked us again for the past two years, then he said, "Charlie, I'd like a favor if you're up for it. You played so beautifully last Christmas and I think we would all like to hear you play the Hallelujah Chorus one more time, and that will be our benediction.”

The Hallelujah Chorus? Man, that piece had given me so much trouble, and that had been eight months ago! And I wasn't playing it to accompany the choir, I was playing a solo! That was a totally different kettle of fish! There didn't seem to be a choice here so I motioned Peggy to come turn the pages for me, and we both sat at the console.

As soon as my fingers touched the keys my mind went into neutral and my emotion took over. I couldn't even see the music for the tears in my eyes, but it didn't matter; it was as if every ounce of feeling and emotion in my body was flowing into my fingers! I saw in my mind my mother's face smiling at me; I saw Kenny four years ago before we'd even met; I saw Robbie and his new bride Tanya walking up the aisle. I saw myself, stumbling around town, so drunk I didn't even know who I was. Then I saw myself wearing a robe and mortarboard, my degree in my hand. And then I remembered something the Pastor had told me a few months ago. He had said:

"The only thing that stands between a man and what he wants in life
Is the will to try it, and the faith to believe that it is possible."

The Hallelujah Chorus is a very difficult piece of music to sing or play. The four choir parts go all over the place, while the organist’s hands and feet are flying everywhere, playing difficult and unusual chords as the tempo and intensity rise. Then at the very end, in fact before the last triumphant “Hallelujah!” there is a three beat pause when everything goes absolutely silent. Then after that three beats of silence is the final four notes, or in the case of the organ, four chords. I had always had trouble with that three beat pause. Either I started before the choir, or they started first. It had become an obsession with me to get it exactly perfect, so I had come to depend on Mrs. Atkins to count the beats for me. She would be standing in front of the choir, would discreetly hold a fist in front of her and raise four fingers, one at a time, to count the three beats. So as I approached that spot in the music I shifted my eyes to the front pew. She was there, holding her fist in front of her on her lap. As the second finger went up, I slipped my hand down to the thumb pistons and pushed number 5: FULL ORGAN. When the fourth finger went up I struck the first chord. The organ absolutely thundered. It was as if I was supplying the wind for all those pipes because I couldn’t breathe! What a finale!

I don't think I had ever played so perfectly in my life! It was one of those times when I knew I'd done it right. I didn't have to be told, I knew! But it had a very odd effect on me. From that day in 1956 to this, I have never again sat at the console of a pipe organ! (Well, that's not quite true. As I told a very special young man I've met as a result of this story -- not sexual, just a very special friend -- I sat at the organ on a Sunday night in 1998 as we rehearsed for our Christmas program and I played, and remembered. And yes, I cried!)

"Jeez, Charlie," Kenny scolded as we drove home, "you kissed me right in front of everyone! Don't you think that was a little brazen?"
"Probably," I answered. "But I've got a feeling that everyone knows anyway. From what he said I'm pretty sure the preacher knows."
"It didn't seem to bother him." Kenny observed.
"Yeah," I agreed, "I noticed that too. I guess that's just the kind of guy he is. I'm gonna really miss that church."

After we made love that Sunday night I astonished Kenny and, for that matter, myself. As we lay there together, my eyes welled with tears and I began to cry yet again. "What's wrong, Charlie?" Kenny asked as he turned to face me.
"I really don't know," I answered. "I've been wanting to get the hell outta this town since I was 12, and now it's happening and I feel like my whole world is crumbling. I been treating you so bad it's a wonder you don't throw me out... I'm just so screwed up..."
"You hear me complaining?" he countered. "And as for losing your world, you are sort of. But we gotta move on, Charlie. And the world you’re losing is gonna be replaced by one that’s so much better!"

"That's just it!" I sobbed. "The worse I treat you, the kinder you are to me. What's with me, anyway?"
"You're so tense it's a wonder you don't explode," he whispered as he ran his hands over my back and shoulders. "Let me give you a massage."
"Just do what you're doing," I instructed. "That's the best feeling in the world. If that magic hand of yours doesn't relax me, nothing will!"

Monday was a day for saying our good-byes and cleaning up loose ends. That meant a trip home for me, which I wouldn't have done at all but Mom C. insisted. My father was in the den, tying fishing flies. We had a more or less pleasant conversation, and then I said I had to go. "Ok," he said as he tied a thread and cut it off, "take care of yourself." He was pretty disgusted that I was going so far away just to go to college, and for Engineering at that!

As I was leaving, Mrs. MacDonald grabbed my arm. I should tell you about Mrs. MacDonald. She was a wonderful old lady, literally 95 years old and spry as a chicken. She had rented the room upstairs that I used to call mine. She was really cool... one of the few things about this house that I still found pleasant and attractive.

When I turned to face her, she gave me a quick peck on the cheek, and handed me an envelope. "Open this after you've gone," she whispered. I did, as soon as I was back at the Collins house. Inside there was a crisp new $20.00 bill and a note. It said in her 95 year old scrawl, "Be good and you'll be happy, but you'll miss a lot of fun." I read it and re-read it, then I looked at the 20 and I smiled. And then I cried. I knew I would never see Mrs. MacDonald again, and I never did.

"This is our last night in this bed for a while," Kenny grinned as he slipped his hand inside my boxers, "We kinda have to make it something to remember, don't ya think?"
"Sleeping with you is always memorable," I answered. At the same time another part of me was responding to the call as well. We kissed, long and deep and wet, and then I slithered down and looked his love probe in the eye. I remembered the very first time I had taken this position, how scared I'd been. Then I remembered how wonderful it felt and tasted. It was better now because I was ready for it, knew what to expect, was never disappointed. I also realized, as I took Kenny's most prized possession in my mouth, that it had been a long time -- too long -- since I'd last tasted his orgasm. Tonight I would end that drought.

I didn't move into a 69 tonight; I wanted all my concentration focused on giving him pleasure, and I wanted him to concentrate on what I was doing to him. I sucked hard, then released. I got him so wet the saliva was dripping from the action down between his legs and onto the bed. I paused to wet my finger, then resumed sucking while I slid the wet finger into his anus. "Ohhhh YESSSSS!" he whispered as he ground his tail into the bed, driving my finger in further. I could tell he was close so I stopped. He begged me to keep going, but I resisted. I slid up and gave him a kiss full on the lips. Our tongues danced a dance of pure and total love, complete commitment, unashamed devotion.

I worked my way back down to his raging erection, which was now screaming for release. His boxers were still on, which to me made the whole scene that much more erotic. I took him in my mouth again and was rewarded almost instantly by that little shudder, a quiet exhale of air, and an explosion in my mouth. It was absolutely exquisite!

"Man, you're good!" Kenny exclaimed after I'd kissed him, sharing the contents of my mouth with him.
"I got pretty good materials to work with," I grinned.
"Did you cum?" he asked. "You had me so far in orbit I don't remember."
"Not yet," I said, "but I'm in no hurry."
"I am! I want you inside me so bad!"
"Okey dokey," I grinned. "But first, I gotta tell you I love you a few thousand times to make up for all that shit the past few months."
"You already did make up for it," he said as he slid his boxers down. "Now are you gonna make love to me or not?"

I did make love to him, and it was about the sweetest time we'd ever had together. We lay side by side with Kenny's back to me and I slid easily into him. We couldn't get as much penetration that way, but tonight that wasn't important. What was important was that we be united, and not for just a few moments, but as long as humanly possible. My raging hormones were demanding a quick release, but I refused to let them win this battle. We very slowly moved back and forth, both totally relaxed as I slid in and out. Every time I felt that it was about to end I stopped; and Kenny, sensing what was about to happen, stopped too, until the urge passed. My arms were wrapped around him and my hands were exploring his now familiar body. It was hard and muscular from all the swimming, but still had the softness of an immature boy. I tried not to put value on the physical aspect of our relationship, but at times like this I couldn't help it. I cannot say for sure how long we kept it up because time was unimportant. In fact I wouldn't be surprised if someone told me that time stood still for the next thirty minutes or so. When I finally could hold on no longer and Kenny felt the first of many volleys being injected into him, he responded by releasing his own load. His shudder only served to make my orgasm more intense.

When we had finally come back to earth, I wanted to talk as was our custom; but it was not to be tonight. Kenny had dropped off to sleep almost instantly, with me still inside him. I hugged him, kissed his shoulder, and I went to sleep too. I slept more soundly than I had for over a year. As I dropped off I remember thinking what right do I have to be depressed? It just doesn't get any better than this!

The trip to Fort Wayne, Indiana was a long and grueling one; seventeen hundred miles to be exact. There were no Interstates and few turnpikes, but mostly two-lane roads, unfamiliar and definitely not conducive to driving much more than 60, if that. Mom C. had insisted on driving us, despite our objections. "You're both underage," she told us, "and I want to be sure you get registered properly, find a place to live, and get yourselves a car. I'm sure there will be lots of signatures required and I don't want you having to wait for the mail." We both knew it was just a mother making sure to get her son (sons???) well settled. Robbie came too, to help Mom drive back home. We had a good trip, really, with three days cooped up in a car, nothing to do but talk. Kenny and I were so hyper it was difficult to settle us down to any meaningful conversation, and now that I think of it, I can't think of a single thing we talked about in the car, even though we talked incessantly.

The second night on the road we were treated to an unexpected event. When we decided to stop for the night Robbie announced we were only a few miles from Niagra Falls. "COOL!" Kenny almost shouted. "We're gonna have ourselves a honeymoon!" Mom looked at him, shock written all over her face. I got one of the most serious case of giggles I’d ever had in my life.

"Don't look so surprised, Mom," Robbie grinned. "You don't think they've been sleeping together for four years and only play Monopoly!"
"I--I guess not," Mom acknowledged. "I guess I was just happy not knowing."

Robbie, bless his big brother heart, paid the extra for Kenny and I to get our own room. We had all shared a room last night and that was the plan for tonight, but thanks to him we had a room all to ourselves. So as soon as we were settled, Kenny and I went out on the town alone. We had a really nice meal at an Italian restaurant, and then we went to view the falls. As anyone who has been there can attest, it was totally beyond description. Kenny and I stood at the rail, just marveling at the volume of water cascading over the brink, and exchanging "I love you!'s" If we'd had to turn back right there and go back home, the trip would have been worth it. As it got dark they turned on the lights, and the sheer majesty of the sight took us by surprise. As we stood there leaning on the rail, Kenny turned to me and kissed me. In a crowd of thousands of people, he kissed me and whispered "Now I know how to describe my love for you. It's a thousand times more wonderful than all we're looking at!

The next morning, we three boys coaxed Mom C. that we had enough time to check out the Maid of the Mist, and so we did. Kenny and I were both enjoying the "glow" we always felt after pretty intense sex. It was so incredible! For those who don't know, the Maid of the Mist is a small boat that takes tourists right up to the base of the falls. We were all issued heavy rain coats and hats because we were so close the spray from the falling water it was as if we were in a deluge of rain heavier than I can describe. I stood on the deck, getting thoroughly drenched in spite of the heavy slicker, one arm around Kenny and the other around Robbie, totally in awe of the power of the water falling only a few feet from us. I think I could have stayed there forever! But all good things must end, and by noon we were back on the road.

We got in to Fort Wayne late Thursday night - about 3 AM if I remember correctly. We found a Holiday Inn and checked in. Next morning Mom was all business. She began searching for a place for us to live, having already decided that campus dorms were too expensive and limiting. She assigned me the duty of finding a good used car, since I was the mechanic of the group. With more luck than skill, I found us a '49 Chevy that later proved a very reliable and trustworthy ride. To this day I am a serious Chevy devotee, and it all started with that old car I bought for $150.00. Mom introduced us to the joy of shopping the Goodwill and Salvation Army stores. Kenny and I didn't know such a thing existed, but over the next four years we would spend many hours there. We bought some used clothing, kitchen utensils, appliances, and an old TV that didn't work, but I assured Mom that we could probably fix it.

By Sunday afternoon we were in our own furnished apartment, Mom had bought us a week's supply of groceries, a used washer and dryer which we installed in the large bathroom, and she was busily arranging kitchen cabinets, furniture, and generally getting us settled. The apartment was only two blocks from campus, so we didn’t even have to drive to class. Kenny and I each had our own bedroom, but we announced that we'd be sleeping together anyway so we were going to put the TV in the other room and make it a sitting room. "But I thought," Mom said, "just for appearance sake, you'd want your own bedrooms."
"I'm gettin' a little tired of 'appearance,'" Kenny answered. "We just want to be ourselves."
"Are you sure you're ready for that?" Robbie questioned.
"No," Kenny answered, "but we never will be ready if we wait for things to change." I wasn't near as sure as Kenny, but I admired him because at least he was taking a stand.

By Monday night Kenny and I were officially Tech students, and Mom's work was done. Her plan was to leave Tuesday morning, only one week after we'd left home. I was astonished at how organized she was; how she had thought of everything! Robbie had to go back to school to pick up a few more courses, he had a new job, and of course their new baby girl that I forgot to tell you about. So we were up early on Tuesday morning saying good-bye to Mom and Robbie. She cried as she kissed us good-bye, and to be honest so did we. By 6 AM they were gone, and Kenny and I were alone in our new little love nest. Classes were to start tomorrow. We embraced tenderly, then Kenny whispered "Let's go back to bed." He didn't have to say it twice.

"Man!" Kenny exclaimed as we lay there, staring into each other's eyes, "I can't believe it! We're all alone, and in our own place! We're together, Charlie! Is that awesome or what!"
"Shut up and kiss me!" I uttered. He did both. We were both sorry to see Mom and Robbie leave so soon, but at the same time we were anxious to get on with the task of getting used to taking care of ourselves totally. It was a really cool feeling, especially lying in bed with such an incredible person as the one kissing and caressing me. "I think this is gonna work," I said with a grin when we finally came up for air, "yep, I think this is gonna work just fine!" We didn't do any more than lie together and kiss, there was no need. Just being together, starting to build a life, discovering all the aspects of our new environment, were more than enough for us.

Predictably we were very nervous on our first day of class, but we quickly learned that it was nothing like the high school we'd just left. We were treated more like adults, quickly learning that although there was lots of homework, mountains of it, no one really gave a rodent's rectum whether we did it or not. That’s not to say we didn’t have good teachers because we did. There were duds of course, but for the most part most of the faculty were very committed and would kill themselves for a dedicated student. We also learned that Indiana Tech was very different from what we'd expected in many respects, and, from what we'd been told, it was different from most colleges.

Because the curriculum was almost entirely Engineering, it was basically an all male school. Females were not officially excluded, but in 1956 there were very few females interested in Engineering. I think out of a student body of 1200 or so, there were never more than three or four females. Of course this fact had a serious effect on student social life, which was fine with Kenny and me. We found that we could go to just about any function on campus together and no one took any notice.Most of the students at Tech were in their mid 20's and married. In 1956 the draft board was still very active, which meant that every able bodied male spent two years in the Armed Forces beginning somewhere around age 18. After they were discharged there was a program called the G.I. Bill, which paid a large part of the cost of secondary education. Because these guys had not only spent two years in the army, but also were married and in some cases had children, Kenny and I discovered that the atmosphere was mature, all business, all serious study, which was a very pleasant surprise for us. That's not to say we didn't have fun, but the "fun" part was kept more in perspective.

There was another big difference at Tech. For reasons I have never figured out, it seemed to be a Mecca for foreign students. There were Asian Indians, Orientals, all sorts of Arabs, Hispanics, Germans, Canadians. There was even one person from Africa, a very black young man who was reputed to be the son of a tribal chief. He even had huge scars running down both sides of his face which looked to me like a lion had worked him over. In fact the scars were the result of some tribal ritual. I found him intensely attractive, but I never got to know him. I have often wondered what might have happened if I had. It also seemed to us that Tech was much more integrated in 1956 than the general population, probably more by default than by legislation or design. But the diversity of people and cultures sure made for a fascinating time for two queer boys from small-town Canada.

So we found ourselves once again the members of several minorities: We were young teens just out of high school where most of the student body were more mature; we were single, in the heterosexual sense, where most of our classmates were married. And of course the old faithful: we were still gay in a straight world.

We had a lot of fun in college, met both friends and enemies in some of the most unexpected places. In the next chapter in the series I will attempt to describe those things that, looking back 40 years, stand out to me as most important or most significant in our development as young adults.

To be continued...