Kenny 11: Graduation

Things were starting to settle down to a dull roar again after all that had happened in the past few months. Graduation was looming, and it looked like I was really going to get to wear the cap and gown. Up to this point I don't think I really believed it would ever happen, but here I was, having pictures, ordering my gown, and... well... planning for the prom."You've got to go to the prom," Mom said to Kenny and me. "It's just, well, you've both worked hard for this and you owe it to yourselves."
"But Mom," Kenny whined, "we can't go with each other. It just wouldn't be, well, it just wouldn't be right! We'd be embarrassed and so would everyone else there. I'd rather just stay home."
"There must be some girls around the school who still don't have a date. You're not marrying her, Kenny, you're just going to a prom. You can all have a good time with no commitments on anybody's part. You both love to dance and go with girls all the time when you're at dances and parties. It's not as if they were poison or something."

"I know, Mom," Kenny answered. "But it's, well, it's dishonest."
"It doesn't have to be," I observed. I'd been thinking about it a lot, and I had to admit that I really did want to go to that prom! I mean, that was all part of it, wasn't it? The exams, the college applications, the cap and gown, and the big blast they called the prom. Hearing my remark, Kenny was all ears. I guess he'd been assuming that I didn't want to go, and now that I showed some interest he was interested too, waiting to hear my idea."We know lots of girls who know about us," I went on. "I just bet that we can find a couple who'd love to go with us."
"Like who?"
"That's WHOM!" I corrected with a grin, trying to give Kenny back some of his own.
"'Tis not, it's WHO, you asshole!"

"Kenny!" Mom scolded, "Where'd you learn talk like that? Certainly not from me or Dad, or Charlie either!" At that comment I almost burst out laughing, but I managed to keep my cool.
"Wouldn't want to learn any talk from Charlie," Kenny pouted, "bad as his English is."
"You seem to understand me all right," I countered, "especially when I say 'let's go to bed.'"

Mom didn't say a word, but I knew from the look I received that I had crossed the line with that comment, so I apologized meekly and we went back to our serious conversation. Kenny and I, it seemed, were always bantering back and forth these days. We didn't mean it, could not hurt each other no matter what we said, but sometimes it did get a little out of hand.

"Seriously Kenny," I said, "you've always said you really like Carol Stevens. You've been dancing with her at all the dances all year."
"I don't think she knows we're going together, Charlie. She just knows I'm not interested in her."
"So that's perfect. You ask Carol and I'll ask Janet Murray. I bet they'll say yes."
"What if they don't?"

"I don't believe you, Kenny!" I said in frustration. "You're always on me that I complain about can't do this, afraid to try that. You tell me that I'm my worst enemy, and that if I'd just try things I'd do just fine. Now I have the guts to go for something and I can't get you to admit there's even a chance!"
"This is different."
"I don't see anything different about it. The worst that's gonna happen is they say no, and what's the big deal about that?"
"He's right, Kenny," Mom interjected. I suddenly wondered if maybe at least a small part of her hoped that one or the other of us would go to the prom and fall in love, suddenly discovering that we weren't gay after all. But right now she was supporting my side of the argument, so I wasn't sure I cared what her motives were.

We had pretty well decided that neither of us would be going to college in the fall, that we would be going back to high school and taking the college prep courses that were offered, commonly referred to in the school as "Grade 13." Things were different then: schools were not so over- crowded - I had never been in a portable classroom; I think the teachers were, if not more dedicated, at least more able to provide what their students really needed. And anything that deferred the expense of college was useful. For Kenny and me, Grade 13 was perfect! Of course we were disappointed that we wouldn't be going away for another year, but that's just how things had turned out, so we accepted it and planned for it.

Kenny and I chose a school dance in early May, the last one of the year, to make our moves. We had listed a couple of alternatives in case we were turned down the first time, and we thought it would be better to ask the girls as we danced rather than a cold, impersonal phone call.

"I'd love to!" Janet answered as I held her close in a slow dance, "But what about Kenny?"
"What about him?" I questioned. "I think he's asking Carol." I think I knew what she meant, but it also occurred to me that she might be just fishing. It would be stupid to think that there were not at least rumors, but I was naive enough to think that no one believed them.
"Charlie, everyone knows that you and Kenny are inseparable. Are you sure he won't mind if you take me to the prom?"
"I can hardly take him, now can I?"
Janet laughed a hearty, tinkling laugh. I loved to hear her laugh! "Now that you mention it," she smiled, "I guess that would raise a few eyebrows." And so it was set. She agreed readily to double dating with Kenny and Carol, assuming Carol agreed to go. She said that she doubted that would be a problem because Carol had always thought Kenny was gorgeous. It took a lot of will power for me not to tell her I already knew that.

The night of the prom was absolutely perfect. It was around the first week of June, it was warm and clear. We had never heard of things like renting stretch limo's for the occasion, but it didn't matter, I had never seen a stretch limo anyway, probably didn't even know they existed. So Kenny and I set about cleaning the family car. We did rent tuxedos, and after my experience at Robbie's wedding I knew that I would be the one to remove Kenny's, and I was looking forward to it.

Of course we had to go get the girls, then make the rounds of all the parents again so they could take pictures of us all decked out. Mom had to have a picture of just Kenny and me, which she treasured as much as if we really were brothers. I never said so to anyone except Kenny, but it was one of my favorites too. After the photos were taken we gave Mom a quick kiss, promised to be back soon, and ran out the door. Kenny slipped behind the wheel and I got in the passenger's seat, and we were off.

I was a whole lot more nervous that I cared to admit, and Kenny told me he was too. Just around the corner from Janet's house, our first stop, Kenny stopped the car. "I dunno why," he said to me, "but I'm scared to death! I've never had a real date before."
"Neither have I," I replied, "and I'm sorta nervous too."
"But..." Kenny appeared struggling to say what he wanted to say, "what if one of the girls wants to... uh... you know..."
"I don't know, Kenny," I said. "I guess we just roll with the flow." We had heard of all the things that go on at and after senior proms, and some of those things were just not something that we wanted to get into. We'd had very little, in fact NO experience with girls in a one-on-one situation.
"But... what if Carol wants us to go off by ourselves?" Kenny worried.
"Go for it!" I said. It never occurred to me that it might be Janet that wanted to go off alone.

Suddenly Kenny fell into my arms and there was clear evidence that he was going to cry. "Charlie," he said, "I hope you know, I don't ever want to hurt you. I didn't even want to do this, and I'm afraid of what might happen."
"It's ok," I assured him, "I feel exactly the same."
"Really? You mean you don't mind if I..."
"Depends," I said. "Depends on exactly what you end up doing."
"I won't do anything you don't want me to, ok?"
"I won't either, Kenny," I said. "Only problem is, what is ok and what's not?" Of all the unwelcome erections I had ever had, the one I was having at that moment was the worst. I might have been better able to deal with it had I known why it was happening. Had it been triggered by Kenny in my arms, or was I getting turned on by the topic of our conversation? I shuddered as I thought again of the “family curse” and Uncle Brad’s cure for it.

"Charlie," Kenny said with a sudden inspiration, "this is our senior prom! We've worked for it, we deserve it, and we deserve a good time! We will never have another senior prom, so we owe it to ourselves to enjoy it. So I'm gonna just ask you to have a good time. Just do whatever with no regrets, and all I ask is that you don't ever forget me, ok?"
"No danger," I assured him. "I could never forget you!" It was a very strange thing to say, I thought. We were going to a prom, not an execution. But that was the state of Kenny’s mind at the time, and I guess to a very large extent I was feeling much the same way.

After we'd had three very passionate kisses, exchanged more than a few "I Love You's," Kenny put the car in gear and accelerated around the corner, and I was walking up to the house to get my date.

When the front door opened, I can safely say I went into shock! There stood Janet, but not as I'd ever seen her before. She wore a long light blue formal dress with a wide full hooped skirt, bare shoulders, the narrowest hips I think I'd ever seen. Her long blond hair was softly falling on her shoulders... that I knew was in honor of my comment made one evening that I loved long hair. She was strikingly beautiful!

"Janet!" I exclaimed, "you're.... WOW! You're...." I was truly tongue-tied!
"We'd better get going," Janet laughed. "We still have three stops to go before we get to the dance." And so after brief introductions to her parents, we hurried to the car and got in the back seat, and Kenny drove to Carol's house where the scene with Janet and me was repeated. After introductions were made Janet and I joined the others inside and posed for a few hundred pictures, and then it was back to Janet's. About a dozen more rolls of film, and we all piled in the car again and headed back home, where Mom C. had cornered the market on film. "Mom," Kenny complained, "we've got to go!"

"Stop fidgeting!" Mom ordered while she took more pictures. And then finally we were off to the prom. The senior prom! MY senior prom! In my mind I was going with Kenny... I secretly wondered if there would ever come a day when a couple like Kenny and me could go to a prom as a couple instead of playing this game. I was proud of Kenny! So why couldn't I tell the world? Why did we have to do this masquerade thing?

The dance was one of the best times I'd ever had! As proms go I suppose it wasn't that spectacular, except that this was mine! Or, more accurately, OURS! Mine and Kenny's! We were with our dates, but the four of us were together most of the evening, so Kenny and I had lots of chances to grab each other's hand and give a squeeze, exchange looks with those deep brown eyes of his - eyes that could still hypnotize me just like the first time I'd laid eyes on him in History class.

We each took our dates outside to just walk around, talk, and enjoy the quiet for a while. I found myself really liking Janet, and in some ways wishing that this date could last a lot longer than one evening. I don't really know what I was wishing for, but I found myself on a major guilt trip for having used her just as a date for the prom. It was during one of these trips outside that the axe fell.

Janet stopped as we reached an area in the shadows of the yard lights that surrounded the school. She turned and faced me and looked directly into my eyes. "I'm having a real good time," she said almost in a whisper. "You're a really great dancer! Where did you learn all those steps?"
"I first learned from Kenny," I replied, "and we just keep working on it at home."

"You and Kenny dance together?" she asked with surprise in her voice. Oh shit! I thought, now I've done it. She's only two steps from figuring out the whole story, and Monday it'll be all over the school!
"Yeah, we do," I said blankly. "It's cool now that I live with him, we can work on our dancing a lot more. He's really good at learning the new dances and we practice a lot."
"That's really cool," she observed. "Most guys would never do that for fear of someone seeing them."

I wasn't real sure where this conversation was going, but I knew it could only get me in deeper. She was still looking right at me, and she had to see my face turning red, but if she did see she ignored it and drew closer. It was obvious that she wanted me to kiss her, so I did.

"WOW!" Janet exclaimed. "Do you practice that with Kenny too?"
"I... uh... well, I..." My heart was pounding so hard I thought everyone must have heard it, and my face felt like it was all on fire! Janet was very close to me, her arms around my neck.

"Gee, relax. Charlie!" she laughed, "I didn't mean anything by it, only that you are a very good kisser."
"You think so?" I responded, trying to lighten the mood a little.
"I know so!" she proclaimed. "But just to be sure..." This time SHE kissed ME! It was long and deep and wet. And in spite of myself I felt a stirring in my groin - again. Her arms were around my neck, and mine were around her bare shoulders, and as much as I hated to admit it I was in Heaven as our lips, our tongues, our very beings touched.

"I..." I stammered when we'd broken the kiss, "I... uhh... I think we'd better go in."
"Why?" she asked. "What's the hurry?" How could I tell her that I was enjoying her far more than I wanted to? How could I tell her that I wanted to see her again? How could I tell her that I was committed, and to another boy?
"I want to dance," I said firmly. "That's why I came!"

Just my luck, I thought, We get back on the dance floor and it's a slow dance! Janet was in my arms, looking at me dreamily as we swayed around the floor. "I can't believe," she said dreamily, "you've been in this old school all the time I have and we've never got together before!"
"Well," I answered, "I've been kinda busy, you know working and all."
"What are you doing after school, Charlie?" she asked innocently enough. "Are you going to college in the fall?"
"I'm staying here next year and taking grade 13. I haven't decided yet where I'm going to college, or if I'm going at all."
"Double cool!" she said excitedly. "I'm taking grade 13 too! Maybe we could study together some times."
"That'd be cool," I lied. In fact I thought that would be about the most un-cool thing I could think of. But holding her was so nice, and she was a really smooth dancer, so I kissed her lightly and we just got lost in the music.

"Can you come in for a while?" Janet asked as we stopped at her house. "It's still so early and I just don't want this night to end. Besides I know my folks would like to meet you and we can tell them all about the prom." We had left the prom at midnight, after having the last dance together along with Kenny and Carol.
"I dunno..." I said doubtfully, "I have to work tomorrow..."
"No you don't," Kenny interjected. "Remember, you're not playing this Sunday, and all the practices were canceled. So if you want to stop off I can pick you up in an hour or two, whatever."

"Not playing Sunday?" Janet echoed. "Playing what? Are you on some kind of team?"
"Not really," I answered. "I'm a bit of a klutz when it comes to sports. I play the organ at a church..."
"Really? You're kidding, right?"
"No, he's not," Kenny said proudly. "He's the organist at St. Luke's."
"Really!" Janet gushed. "That's great! We've got a Hammond organ in our house and no one can play it. Could you play it for us?"
"I... I guess so," I answered. And then I made a vow that I'd kill Kenny the next time I got him alone.

As we were getting out of the car Janet told Kenny, "Don't worry about picking Charlie up, I'll drive him home." Kenny thanked her, then he and Carol were gone.

"Finally our prodical returns!" Mom said cheerfully as I walked into the kitchen. It was almost 4 AM, and I had finally broken free and had Janet drive me home. "Where in the world have you been?" she asked.
"At Janet's house," I answered.
"What on earth were you doing all this time?"
"Mother!" Kenny exclaimed. "That's none of your business!"
"But it is YOUR business," I pointed out, "and you have a right to know." And then to the astonishment of both Mom and Kenny, I started to cry.

"What in the world?" Mom said in a knowing tone.
"I'm so confused!" I managed to say. "I thought I had myself all figured out, but now everything is a muddle again."
"You mean," Kenny said nervously, "you mean, you've fallen for Janet?"
"I don't know, Kenny!" and then I started crying even harder. "I was so happy with you! And I still love you! But I had a really good time tonight! It was so... uh... well... I dunno, it just seemed so nice being able to hold her and kiss her, and no one even noticed! It was just so... so normal!"

"Charlie," Mom said as she took my hand, "you have to understand, you're different! Not worse, or better, but different."
"NO!" Kenny screamed. "No, Mom! No more! I am so tired of 'Poor Charlie!' We were supposed to have a good time tonight, and what happens? Charlie comes home and starts again, just like he always does!"
"Kenny," Mom pleaded, "I don't think this is the time..."
"When is the time, Mom? When can we put all this stuff behind us and just go on with our lives? When can we be happy like you and Dad always taught us to be? You've got to grow up, Charlie! We're NOT the same! We're NOT normal, at least by most standards! And we're not GOING to be by feeling sorry for ourselves. I'm sorry, Charlie, but I had a real blast tonight! It was so cool! We're graduating, man! And tonight was the celebration. And what do you do? You come home and start blubbering that you're not normal and it hurts so much. Is that all my love means to you? Would you throw me away like so much trash if you could be normal?"
"Kenny," I countered, "that's not what I meant. It's just that..."
"What, Charlie? What did you mean? What do you want? Do you even know?"

"I know I want you," I answered. "But... well, why can't we be normal and still be together? What is wrong with the world?"
"The world doesn't understand, Charlie. I don't think we do either, but we're stuck with it! And I for one have no regrets loving you. I LOVE you, Charlie! But now I'm really beginning to wonder if you love me. Do you love me enough Charlie? Do you love me enough to say to hell with the world? Because that's how much I love you. What do you suppose Carol and I were doing while you were with Janet and getting a real good ‘Poor Me’ going? I'll tell you what! We were in the car, down by the river, talking and just enjoying what we thought was a pretty special moment. Then she wanted to make love. You know what I said, Charlie? Do you even care what I did? What WE did?"
"I care a lot," I said meekly. In truth I wasn't at all sure I wanted to hear about it, because I was deathly afraid of what Kenny was about to say. But I had asked, and Kenny was about to tell me.

"I said NO, Charlie! I told her that I had someone so special, so wonderful, that I doubted that I could even do what she wanted me to do. Then I told her about you! And I told her how much I loved you. I told her that I didn't care if she told it all over the school, that I was tired of sneaking around, trying to appear to like girls when the only thing I cared about is YOU! I was so looking forward to making love with you when we got home! And then you come home and start in again with the Poor Me bullshit. Maybe I should have just done what Carol wanted. Who knows? I might have enjoyed it. Maybe I would have discovered that I'm not gay after all, that it was all a stupid mistake!"

I looked at Mom Collins, but she was no help. She caught my look instantly and simply shrugged, gave me a quick hug, and said she was going to bed. She had obviously concluded that I was in good hands with her son."Kenny," I pleaded, "I don't think you understand..."
"Of course I don't understand!" he said, a little more tenderly now. "Of course I don't! I don't understand how two people can love each other so much and be ashamed of it! I don't understand why we have to keep it to ourselves when I want to tell the whole world! I want to take an ad in the paper and just proclaim the whole thing. But that's the way it is, Charlie! Like it or not, that's the way it is. I don't like it any better than you do, but we don't have a choice. If we really love each other, and we want to be together, we've got to face the fact that we're not normal, and it doesn't matter how we feel. Or we can decide to call it quits now and try to BE normal. We can do our thing with girls, get married and have babies. Lots of babies! And everybody will think how wonderful we are!"
"Kenny, I didn't mean I didn't want to be your lover any more," I said. "It's just that... it'd be so cool to just be part of the flow for once, you know?"

"Of course I know, Charlie! I had fun tonight too! I had a real cool time with Carol, seeing you and Janet together and knowing just by the look on your face that you were having a good time too! And we have to grab these moments and take them for what they are. If we constantly analyze them, try to extend them, we'll never be happy! And you know what? I don't think that's a gay thing. I think everybody makes that mistake. We have a really great time, then we mourn because it's over. Why can't we just be thankful that we had a great time? Everything has to end, but that doesn't mean we can't remember the good times."

We were both standing now, both crying, and I was for the millionth time looking into Kenny's eyes: those deep brown, liquid, sensuous eyes that led me on a floating journey to the very essence of my beloved Kenny! And I lost it completely. Sobbing hysterically I picked him up and carried him up the stairs to our bedroom. I have no idea who turned the lights out, if indeed anybody did.

"Feeling better this morning, handsome?" I heard as I stretched and opened my sleepy eyes. When the fog cleared I was staring into those liquid brown eyes again. Those eyes! I felt a hand on the back of my neck, stroking, caressing....

"Waking up to see you and feel your magic hands on me," I said dreamily, "how could I feel anything but great?"
"We sorta didn't get our little game last night," Kenny said with a giant smile. "In fact I didn't even get to take your tux off." I looked down and discovered that both of us were still fully dressed, albeit a lot more wrinkled than we'd been a few hours before.

"It isn't too late," I whispered as I kissed Kenny full on his gorgeous lips. "I need a shower, and I don't think it'd be a good idea to do it with all these clothes on."

After a challenge like that, it wasn't long before both of us were out of our wrinkled tuxes and ready for a shower. It was 9 AM, Mom had gone out to do her usual Saturday morning shopping and other errands, so we had the house to ourselves for at least three hours.

I think that was the most enjoyable shower I'd ever had up to that point. We soaped each other, then washed each other gently, slowly, caringly. We embraced each other, our soapy bodies touching in all the right places. I looked into those deep brown eyes and whispered "I love you."
"Me too," Kenny whispered back. "About last night..."
"I don't want to hear it," I said sheepishly. "I was out of line... again! I'm sorry..."

"No," Kenny interrupted. "It's me that should be sorry. I felt the same as you did... enjoying ourselves so much but at the same time wishing it could be different, that we could be together and up front about our love. But it's never gonna happen, Charlie, and we might as well face it." There was no more talk as we held each other, the warm water splashing all over our naked bodies. We started to hum one of our favorite tunes, "You belong to me," and our bodies, still embracing tightly, began to sway back and forth to the music. It was truly a magic moment. By the time Mom arrived back home a little after noon, we were still in bed, still naked, and enjoying just lying together after having had sex at least three times. We didn't even hear her come in, didn't know she was in the house until there was a soft knock on the door.

Looking back, I have to give Mom a lot of credit. When she knocked on the door Kenny just said "Come in," which she did. She came and sat on the edge of the bed - the bed in which lay her son, naked, in the arms of his lover! The other twin bed had obviously not been disturbed. She seemed not to even notice, as if it was the most natural sight in the world. She was something!

"I just wanted to see how you're feeling this morning," she said to both of us.
"Much better," we chorused.
"That's good. And I wanted you to know that I didn't go to bed last night because I wasn't interested, but I thought you two would be better off working through that problem by yourselves. You know, when you first told us about your relationship, I cried for days! Then I went through a period when I told myself it was just a teenage phase and you'd soon get over it. During that time I hoped that somehow when the inevitable breakup came, that you'd still be friends. But that breakup is not going to come, is it?"
"Not if I can help it," Kenny answered, and I nodded my agreement.

"Then I have a few things to say to both of you. I want you to know that I am here for you and want you to trust me because I trust you. And I want you both to understand, that if either of you hurts the other, you will have to deal with me. I don't think that's likely to happen, but I just wanted you to know." At that she kissed the both of us and left. "Thanks, Mom," Kenny called to her as she left the room.

This was one of the busiest weekends we'd ever had. The prom had been Friday night, we had our caps and gowns to pick up on Saturday, along with returning the tuxes, making sure our best suits were clean and pressed, and shopping for new dress shirts. I had been given the weekend off at the church because the Sunday morning service included a short ceremony honoring all the graduates, and I'd been told they would get someone else to play the organ so I could be with the others at the ceremony. Saturday morning usually found me at the church, practicing the next day's music, rehearsing with this or that soloist, and occasionally an extra practice with the youth choir. Busy as I was, I still felt lost not being in on all those activities.

"Is your father coming this morning?" Mom C. asked when we sat down to breakfast. Kenny and were all dressed up for the Sunday morning service, and had our graduation gowns on hangers ready for the ceremony.
"I don't know," I answered, "but I doubt it. He's probably gone fishing."
"Did you call him?"
"No, ma'am."
"Don't you think you should give him a chance? Maybe he doesn't know about it."
"He knows I'm graduating, or at least I'm supposed to. He probably figures I've flunked out by now."

"Charlie, you can't go through life hating your father! Why don't you call him and at least tell him about the ceremony?"
"I don't hate him, Mom, I love him! I used to kill myself trying to please him but it never worked. I couldn't play football or hockey or baseball, so in his eyes I am some kind of freak. The only time my music was important to him was when he wanted me to play for one of his drunken parties. I feel like he really doesn't care what I do or what happens to me. And if that's the way he feels then I just have to accept it and move on. I told him when I left that I'd stay out of his life unless I saw some evidence that he wanted me around."

"You'll both be very sorry, son, when one of you is gone."
"Yeah," Kenny agreed, "I'm sure glad Dad and I were the way we were. I have nothing but good memories of him and when I see you and your dad I realize how lucky I am. But once he's gone, Charlie, anything unfinished is gonna stay unfinished."
"It takes two to build a relationship, Kenny," I pointed out, and that's where the conversation ended. I didn’t know it then, but I would live to see the day when Kenny’s words would echo in my head: “Anything unfinished is gonna stay unfinished.”

The Sunday morning service was no big deal, but it was important to me. We lined up in the choir room, dressed in our caps and gowns, the organ began playing "Pomp and Circumstance," and we paraded in and up on the platform. There were six of us: Kenny and me from our school and three girls and a boy from another school. The preacher just called out our names and school, then said a few words about each of us, said a little prayer to bless us and ask for our future to be bright and rewarding to us and whomever we touched, and it was over. We went down off the platform and sat in the front pew until the service was over, then we had to stand at the front of the church so anyone who wanted could come shake our hands. Pretty simple really, but old sentimental me got all choked up, partly because I was beginning to realize it was really going to happen, and partly because I hadn't seen my father. In spite of what I'd told Mom and Kenny, I was sort of hoping he might show.

The following week we didn't have school, but we had to go get our marks, attend two more of at least a thousand rehearsals, and of course socialize with everyone we might never see again. Kenny and I had to register for the Grade 13 classes, and were surprised at how many of our classmates would be there. When you think about it, it made sense. One could get a head start on basic college courses without the expense of tuition, moving away from home, and all that goes with it. We both signed up for advanced Algebra, English 101, advanced Physics, Basic Chemistry, and Beginning Philosophy. That meant that we'd have little time to work, but in the long run we were sure it would pay off.

Aside from all the different duties of graduates, we had the week pretty well to ourselves. We spent a lot of time with Ron and Timmy, and even got to spend some time in Ron's lab, something we hadn't done for months. If Ron had any inkling of our sexual encounter with Timmy, he gave no sign, and that made me feel guilty about the whole thing all over again. Why, I don't know to this day. But at that time I was pretty into feeling guilty about just about everything, justified or not.

Kenny and I made sure we weren't too busy that week to have some pretty intense love making sessions. It seemed the older we got, the more insatiable our sex appetite. (Yah, OLDER! Kenny was about to turn 16 and I would be 17! Real old, right?)

Graduation day arrived the following Saturday, ready or not. Kenny and I woke up early, about 6 AM. I will never forget the look on his face as I opened my eyes and was treated to his intoxicating grin as he watched me sleep. "I love you, graduate!" he whispered. That was too much! I threw my arms around him and held him as if someone was trying to tear him away from me. I was happy and excited, but at the same time I was afraid! Afraid of what I don't know; but I was absolutely terrified, and nothing but the touch and feel of Kenny close to me could allay those fears. I have often thought since that day how incredibly fortunate I was during that time to have Kenny, my love, my companion, my life really, so close to me."What, Charlie?" he asked, "What's wrong?"

"Nothing's wrong, Kenny," I answered as I held him even more tightly, "I'm just so glad we're together! I love you so much."

I didn't think much about it at the time, but later I realized that we'd had one of the most treasured moments in our lives, and neither of us even thought of sex; neither of us wanted it or cared! I can't be sure this many years later, but I don't even remember having my usual morning erection, and I know Kenny didn't. It was the beginning of a very special day, and one that we would share! And that was enough, or so I thought as we lay there, our bodies entangled and our lips together.

"Have you ever called your father?" Mom asked as we ate breakfast.
"Has he called me?" I asked in return.
"No, he hasn't, Charlie. But don't you think..."
"Let me ask you a question, Mom," I suggested, "and maybe you'll understand why I can't call him. If Kenny was away from home, say he was going to school somewhere out of town. And suppose you knew his graduation was coming up, but he'd forgotten to write you and tell you the details. Would you sit on your behind and wait to hear, or would you try and find out what's going on? And once you found out, would you wait for his invitation or would you get ready and go anyway?"

"That's an unfair question, Charlie. You already know the answer."
"Of course I do, Mom! But I don't know what my father would say if I asked him that question, and I need to know. And frankly I don't really care! If he comes he comes, if he doesn't, well, I guess I have my answer." Thankfully there was no more talk about my father and whether or not he'd be at the graduation. I think if I'd had to discuss it much more I would have started crying, and I didn't want to do that, not today! I wanted my mother to be there, and somehow I knew she would be. I wanted Kenny's father to be there, and I also knew he would be, and that was all I hoped for, or so I thought.

The graduation itself was almost an anti-climax. The high school orchestra played Pomp and Circumstance, or rather they murdered it, but I knew they'd practiced tirelessly for hours, so somehow it was all right. Predictably my father was not there, and in spite of my outward toughness, it hurt. It hurt a lot! But as soon as we all had our diplomas, I took Kenny in my arms and I kissed him, full on the lips! And in front of everyone! "Congratulations, gorgeous!" I fairly shouted. He didn't congratulate me, he just melted into my arms and whispered "I love you, Charlie!"

"C'mon, you two!" a voice behind me said. When I turned around there was Ron with his parents, and Timmy with his. We all hugged and shook hands, promised not to lose touch with each other, and then it was over! "Anybody mind if I just drop my gown in the car and walk home?" I inquired.
"Yes," Kenny piped up, "I mind. I don't think you need to be alone right now, Charlie."
"Let him go," Mom advised. "I think he needs some time by himself." And then I was walking around town, alone, thinking, remembering.

I thought about all that had gone on for the past three years. What had happened? Things had been so great then! There was no doubt, no thought even, for the future, because the future was cast in stone. But then the stone had crumbled. Why? Of course I knew the answer. I had fucked everything else royally by declaring myself in love with another boy. No matter that the boy I loved was the most sensitive, feeling, caring individual I had ever known. No matter that he had eyes that could reduce me to a muttering idiot! I didn't think about his body, his endless appetite for sex, I only thought about how I'd been attracted to him from the first time I'd seen him and nothing else mattered. And I knew that it was all right. I knew that it's impossible to love someone as much as we loved each other without some good coming out of it.

I considered the possibility that we could become very good friends, soul mates even, but dispense with the sexual part of our relationship. Society understood good friends. That would be acceptable and we could be normal again. We'd be accepted by everyone as just close friends, brothers in so many ways. But the thoughts of a platonic relationship sent a shiver of dread through my body. I knew that I could never be close to Kenny and not want him totally.

I thought about my father and wondered if he'd been at the graduation if I hadn't told him I was gay. Somehow I doubted it. But still, I wondered.

I thought about the prom. Janet was so pretty in her evening gown! We had such a good time! We danced our feet off that night. We laughed, talked, fellowshipped with friends, and just shared our lives. Couldn't I live with that? Of course I knew I couldn't. I knew that the next day she would be out of that gown and in jeans or shorts, and although I still found her pretty, that was the extent of it. She was pretty and fun to be with, but try as I might I couldn't picture myself spending my life with her, to the exclusion of all others.

I found myself standing in front of the house where I'd spent many hours. It was the local bootlegger. Here a young teen could buy a bottle of beer, a pint of rum, with no questions asked, no problems. I fished in my pocket and pulled out a small wad of bills. Yes! I had enough! I started to walk in, but then I saw in my mind, of all things, the youth choir! The choir that I had taken charge of because their leader, Mrs. Atkins had had to go out of town for an extended period and I'd volunteered to become their director along with my duties as organist. They were so beautiful! Boys and girls, ages 12 to 18, and so beautiful, every last one of them! They trusted me, even those who were older than I was! I led them, played piano and organ for them, and they would do my every bidding. I thought of the very first time I'd stood in front of them and made a small gesture with my hand, and twenty-five gorgeous teens had risen from their seats and stood there, every eye on me, waiting for my next direction. I can never describe the feeling of... of oneness, of power, but not threatening power, just the extreme rush of being trusted, of being looked to for guidance, by all those teens, every one of whom probably had it together more than I!

Those kids thought I was about the most wonderful thing that had ever happened to them. I'd been warned before I took on the job that this would happen, and it had indeed happened, in spades! I was their age, at least two years younger than some of them, so we understood each other. But I could teach them in a language they understood; and before I was anywhere near ready, I had the awesome responsibility of being a role model for twenty-five teenagers! And here I was, standing in front of the house that could blow it all!

I saw in my mind Mom Collins lecturing me in her kitchen only two weeks after she'd lost her husband. She hadn't left a lot of room for doubt about what she wanted me to do, but here I was anyway.

I thought of the thing that was fast becoming an obsession for me: the family curse. I knew it wasn’t a curse as we normally think of such things and so did Uncle Brad. There were no witches, no magical spells, no strange utterances. But there were genes, and I was carrying an ample supply of my father’s genes. Could it possibly be that my attraction to Kenny was purely sexual? Could we remain as close if there were no sex? If one were to believe what I’d understood about what my uncle had told me, I doubted it. And what about that sex? What about the youth choir that held me in such high esteem? I knew, from something I’d overheard, that they would be all over me the next time we met, that they regarded me as something of a perfect, infallible being somewhere between human and Sainthood. How would they feel if they knew all there was to know? What if they knew the REAL me? What if one of them drove past me right now as I stood in front of a boolegger’s, a wad of bills in my hand?

“Every male in our family should be castrated at birth,” my uncle had said. Wouldn’t that be better? Wouldn’t it be easier to be the kind of person I wanted to be? Wouldn’t I then be able to be what I knew my mother had wanted for me?

Then I found myself looking once more at my own mom, just hours before she died. Her last words to me were "Be a good boy, Charlie." At the time, and for a long time afterwards, I had trouble reconciling that comment with what Kenny and I were doing. I still wasn't sure it didn't include the terrible sin of homosexuality, but as I stood there on the sidewalk gazing at, but not seeing, the house where I could get anything I wanted to drink, I knew without doubt that in my mother's eyes getting drunk could in no way be compatible with being a "good boy."

I thought of Kenny. So masculine! So sensitive! So faithful and so ... so always there! To my knowledge he had never tasted alcohol in his life! Not that he didn't want to, but his parents had told him that there was time enough later to sample that particular part of life and that was good enough for Kenny. So finally I said under my breath, "Bye dudes, guess I won't be around here for a while." And I walked back to my home. Kenny's home! OUR home!

"Where in the world have you been?" Kenny demanded when I walked in the back door. "You've been gone almost four hours!"
"Believe me, you don't want to know," I said.
"If I didn't want to know wouldn't have asked. I was starting to worry."
"Not a problem, I'm fine," I replied. "But I'm kinda tired. I think I'll go to bed." So I kissed Mom C. and started up the stairs, calling over my shoulders "You coming, handsome?"

"You all right, Charlie?" Kenny inquired when we were in bed.
"Yeah, Kenny," I reflected. "Actually I think I'm better than I've been for a while. I got a few things worked out in my head so now maybe I can put that all behind me. But I really am pretty tired. I know you wanted to play tonight, but can we just lie together?"

"Damn!" Kenny exclaimed with a grin, "you ARE sick! If you don't want sex then you must be close to death!"

There it was again! The family curse. Is that all I was now? Was I just some sex machine that could settle any argument, any issue, any conflict with a quick romp in the hay? Was I turning into my father?

But then from nowhere came the sensitive Kenny, the Kenny I really loved, not the sex crazed teen that kept me naked all the time. He slipped his arms around me, gave me a long deep kiss, and our bodies melted together and we were asleep in minutes.

Some time in the night we woke up and had that sex he'd wanted earlier, and it was HOT! Planned sex is great, but spontaneous sex is so much better! By the time we went back to sleep, we were sorely in need of a shower, but of course that was out of the question in the middle of the night, so we slept in our... well, I'm sure you get the idea. But this time there was no guilt. I don’t even remember who woke up first or who made the first move. What we did had certainly involved our genitals, but it wasn’t sex; it was LOVE.

Sunday morning brought us back to our familiar routine. I was up at 7:00, getting dressed for what would be a long day at church. I had choir rehearsal at 9:00, practice for two soloists at 10:00, drive home to get Mom at 10:30, the worship service at 11, then youth choir practice at 4:00 which would be long because we were doing a special musical service, and the evening service, which featured the youth choir musical we'd been practicing for. This marked the last event for them until fall, so it was a big deal for them, and to me. This would be my first big production, and in spite of all the help I’d had from Mr. Whittaker and members of the senior choir, I knew that the success or failure of the program would fall upon me. I was their leader now; the one they looked up to, the one upon whom they depended.

I had grown to really love all my Sunday responsibilities. Yes, it was at times downright grueling, it certainly tied us down on the weekend, but there was with it a certain security, a sense of belonging, that made it more than worthwhile. I found myself wanting to continue this activity more than any other I had ever done. I even considered a degree in Music; but I knew, even then, unless I was spectacularly good and lucky in the bargain, that a career in music would not put nearly enough bread on the table. So I knew what I was doing would have to end sooner or later; but for the moment, as difficult as it was, as much as I had to scramble and practice through the week, it was the most rewarding thing I had ever done. Sunday was the high point of my life.

"You don't have to go with me," I said to Kenny when he started to get up. "We had a late night and you must be tired. Just come with Mom at 10:30."
"I go with you every Sunday," he reminded me.
"I know, but it must be awful boring for you."
"Not at all! I love it! Did you know you're at your best, and your happiest, when you're playing, or singing, or doing something else musical? I love watching your face because it's as if you have left the whole world behind. You're truly beautiful when you're playing, Charlie! Your face actually radiates!"
"I guess I sorta do get in my own little world," I admitted, and for the millionth time I began wondering if I should pursue a career in Music instead of Engineering. Kenny had hit it smack on the nose: when I was playing or singing, I thought of nothing else. It was as if I had left all my mind, all my memories both good and bad, on a shelf somewhere.

The day went well, and it marked the beginning of the summer schedule which was much more relaxed. The adult choir more or less disbanded for the summer, and so aside from playing the organ twice a week I was more or less free. I was at the organ console arranging my music, gathering up the scores I'd finished with so I could file them, when I noticed him sitting alone in the front pew, watching me. Kenny was outside talking to some of the other teens.

"Hi, Conrad," I said when I saw him. "Your solo really went well tonight. Thanks for your help!" Conrad, or Connie as we called him, was 13, very handsome and had the most angelic soprano voice you can ever imagine. Of course leave it to a musician to notice the voice first. At his age that voice would soon be gone forever, and I'd been using it to full advantage before it gave way to all the ravages of hormones that would change it forever.

"You got a minute to talk?" he asked, ignoring my compliment.
"Sure," I said. "Walk with me while I take all this music back to the library."

He stood there watching as I filed the various scores in their appropriate places. "You said you wanted to talk to me?" I questioned when he made no move to speak.
"Ummm..." he stalled, "maybe it's not the right time. You're busy and I don't know..."
"I'm afraid there might not be another time till fall," I reminded him. I was expecting him to ask me something about the choir, like possibly some concern about when his voice started to change. But when I looked into his fluorescent blue eyes I knew that whatever was on his mind was bothering him - a lot!

"Charlie," he said haltingly, "I--I don't think I can come back in the choir next fall."
"That'd be a real shame, Conrad. You've got a beautiful voice!"
"That's what my mom says, But when it changes..."
"Chances are it'll still be just as good, only deeper. You should give it a chance before you give up. I know you love to sing and it'd be such a tragedy to give it up just because..."
"That's not it, Charlie. I just can't... well, I can't sing in the church any more. I just can't!"
"Why, for heaven's sake?"
"Charlie," he said tentatively, "I got this problem. I--I'm not like other kids. And the older I get, the worse it gets. Like, you like girls, right?"

"Umm... sure I do, Conrad, why do you ask?" Looking back, I cannot believe how dense I was! I had no idea in the world what Conrad was trying to tell me. But then my new role as mentor and confessor was one I wasn't really ready for. I had related to the kids, become their friend, but mostly because I was their age. But it was becoming more and more obvious that they were putting me on a pedestal as someone in whom they could confide, that they could trust. It was an awesome responsibility at 16, at any age really, and one that I failed miserably.

"I don't, Charlie!" he sobbed as his eyes started filling with tears. "I don't like girls at all. I mean, I don't hate them or anything, but I just don't... you know... care about them."
"Lot's of kids your age don't like girls, Connie. That doesn't mean..."
"You don't get it, Charlie. What I'm saying is, I like boys! As long as I can remember I've seen boys I liked, I mean REALLY liked! I know it's a sin, and now I know I can't sing in the church choir any more.”
"Why? What's changed?" I queried.
"I can't tell you, Charlie."

I put the rest of my armful of music on a chair and took Connie to two chairs and we both sat down. "Connie," I said as I finally realized what was going on here (DUHHHHH!), "what's happened? What's changed? Are you involved with someone? Has something happened? You can tell me buddy, I promise it'll go no further."
"I can't, Charlie. I just can't!"
"So there is someone, right?"
"Uh-huh."
"Someone in the choir?"
"Uh-huh."
"A boy, right?"
"Uh-huh."

"Have you discussed it with your parents?"
"Are you nuts? They'd kill me!"
"Does the boy know?"
"No! He would laugh at me! And probably get me kicked out of the choir. That's why I have to quit."
"I won't laugh, Connie. I promise, I won't laugh. I don't want to lose you, you're far too good a singer; and you’re an inspiration to lots of the other kids too. A lot of boys think it’s sissy to sing, you know. I’m sure if I lose you I’ll lose others too."
"Promise you won’t laugh?"
"Of course I promise! So why don't you tell me all about it?"

"Ever since I first saw him, I wanted to be like him. And then it got to be so much more than that. I wanted to... well... do stuff with him. I wanted to be with him all the time, you know? He's just so... so cool! He's good looking and talented and so with it! He's in control, and so... so sure of who he is and where he's going! You know what I mean?"

Of course I knew, and I told him so, and then I asked him who it was. I assured him again that I'd tell no one, and I wouldn't judge him for it, I would try to find some way to help him. It was me all over again, three years ago when I'd first met Kenny. I knew precisely what he meant, except that he seemed so much better informed than I’d been.

"It's you, Charlie!" Connie managed to get out before he completely broke down. "There, I've said it!"

You could not have knocked the breath out of me any more effectively if you'd hit me full force in the stomach with a two-by-four! Me? Cool? With it? In control? Man, if you only knew, Connie! But what was I going to do now?

To be continued...