Judge Judy in: The Case of Penis Envy

Written by: Satyre
Synopsis: Judge Judy visits the Eunuch Archive (treated herein as a separate jurisdiction).
Disclaimer: Judge Judy is not my creation, nor is her bailiff, Petri Hawkins-Byrd. I'm just borrowing them for a bit, I'm not making money off them, and I'm flat broke anyway. Try to think of it as fan-fiction, okay?
E-mail: kitsune999@hotmail.com -- flames will be graded for creativity and proper english, and then deleted. Unless I find them entertaining. Or seriously threatening. Or both.

The bailiff suppressed a smirk. "All rise! Court is now in session; the honorable Judge Judy Sheindlin presiding. Please be seated."

The Judge, however, was not so amused. She was getting tired of dealing with people who could not seem to settle even a minor dispute without asking for help... and she feared that this special appearance would make her wish for the relative comforts of deadbeat fathers and deceased pets. She wondered, for the tenth time in as many minutes, just what hallucinogens were in the water lately, to make her agree to settle disputes in the Eunuch Archive. She sighed. At least Petri is enjoying himself, she thought viciously.

"Okay, bailiff. Hit me."

The bailiff tried to refrain from giggling, and for the most part succeeded. "Okay, the plaintiff, Robert Parker," he said, indicating an anemic-looking blond, "is suing Alan Ward," he continued, pointing to a gym-toned red-head, "for 'intentional infliction of emotional distress,' and is asking for the removal of the defendant's sex organs in damages."

Groan. "Mr. Parker, could you describe the emotional distress?"

"Well, Judge, he has a really big dick..."

Judge Judy smacked her palm against her forehead. "I'm sure he does, Mr. Parker, but that's not what I asked."

"...and gets laid all the time, and..."

"Mr. Parker!"

"What?"

"Did I say 'please describe the defendant's sexual prowess'? No, I did not!"

"But it's all those women over at his house that are distressing me... and the knowledge that he has a big dick, while I have only five inches. I have photographic evidence!"

The judge opened her mouth to speak, only to be cut off by choking sounds coming from the bailiff. She glared at him. "Bailiff? When you have regained your composure, could you please take that photo from the plaintiff and bring it to me?"

Chastened, the bailiff took the photo, and after a double-take, handed it to the judge. She appraised the image cooly, guessing that the erection shown was about ten inches: it cleared its owner's navel by a considerable margin. It was also a safe bet that it belonged to Alan Ward... it was fringed in red. She motioned for the bailiff to take it to the defendant. "Can you identify this penis?"

"It's mine, but..." Alan said, first confused, then angry. He turned viciously to the plaintiff: "You bastard! Where the hell did you get this?"

"I took the picture from your bathroom window! That proves you're out to make me feel small!"

All eyes turned to the bailiff as he fell into peals of laughter. "Could you please control yourself?" Judge Judy asked, in a quiet pleasant voice that could strike terror into the heart of an IRS auditor.

"Sorry, your honor."

Appeased, she turned to the defendant. "Mr. Ward, did you deliberately develop a large penis for the purposes of antagonizing Mr. Parker?"

"No!"

"Did you deliberately develop one for any reason at all?"

"No!"

"That's a lie, your honor! He did it just to spite me!"

The judge turned toward Mr. Parker, and for an instant, her eyes seemed to glow bright red. He cowered, and Judge Judy returned her attention to Mr. Ward. Suddenly, she was feeling nasty. "Are you sure, Mr. Ward? No fairies visiting you at night?"

"Just the ones who took my teeth. And all they gave me was quarters."

"No phantom plastic surgeons, either?"

"No."

"And you have no ill will toward Mr. Parker?"

"Well, I do now! The fucker photographed me in my own bathroom!"

"You have a point. Court is in recess while I consider my decision."

"All rise..."

In her chambers, the Honorable Judge Judy spoke with a legal consultant. "Do you mean to tell me I really can't dismiss this case?"

"In your native country, that would make the most sense. But our laws here are different; that's why the Eunuch Archive has provided you with a legal aide. And as such, it is my duty to inform you that our laws are very clear here -- a castration is indicated..."

"All rise!"

"Please be seated... under the laws of this jurisdiction, I am required to rule that a castration take place. Mr. Ward?"

Gulp!

"You are free to go. In fact, you really should leave the courtroom; you don't want to see what is going to happen next."

The red-head breathed a sigh of relief; watching him was like watching the strings of a marionette being cut. "Thank you, your honor," he said as he bolted for the door.

"Now, Mr. Parker. About that castration... let me just say that you're the one who brought this into my courtroom. Had you just gotten on with your own life, you wouldn't be where you are today." The judge pulled a gun out of her robes, and shot the plaintiff with it...

...and Mr. Parker awakened from the tranquilizer, strapped to a table. As he watched a shadowy figure in a labcoat take his organs in one hand, and a red-hot knife in the other, he screamed. And as the knife seared his flesh, he screamed even higher.

The End