Hangin' Free. Part 2

by

Kortpeel

It was a couple of days before I saw Maggie again. I was checking the plumbing in the guest cabins when she looked in to check on me.

"Hello, Plastic Balls."

I didn't like being called that. But neither did I want to get on the wrong side of her.

"Good morning Maggie."

After some chit-chat about the work she came to the point. "If they fixed you in prison, how come you got such a good hard on when I was going to cut you out?"

"It's the damndest thing Maggie. First they cut your balls out 'cos you're too dangerous to run loose."

Maggie nodded, understanding, probably even agreeing with that course of action.

"Then they give you these stick-on patches so you can be normal again."

"Don't make sense," Maggie said.

"It's the system. And it's politics too. You got the 'cut-'em-off party' on the one hand and the human rights people on the other. With me they both got their way."

"So you can be a normal man?"

"Yep. 'cept I don't get anyone pregnant."

"So is it safe to ride bareback?"

"Well, there's always aids, don't forget."

"I'm clean, " Maggie said. "I ain't never done it without a condom."

"I been in jail for the last eight years. You get lectures on aids three times a week."

Maggie grinned as a thought struck her. "And did you ever go backwards?"

"Nope. But I've fucked Mrs. Hand and her five daughters many a time."

"How long since you had a woman?" Maggie asked.

"More 'n eight years ago."

We looked at each other. Then Maggie turned and left.

Well, there's food for thought, I told myself. Maggie made me nervous. Much as I liked the idea of giving her a length I was scared. That last bitch I'd screwed had cried rape and Maggie could easily do the same. Who'd believe me if she did? And this was a girl who would cut off a man's balls without a qualm!

I'd often wondered what it was about me that I'd got two rape convictions. I certainly wasn't a violent man. I'd never hit anyone in my life. And I'd never had any need to force myself on a woman. In a sense I was lucky that way. Most of the time girls and women had found me attractive and yielded easily enough. I don't know why because I didn't see myself as obviously handsome. Just they could see something in me they liked.

But it had all sure as hell got me into deep shit. That first conviction for statutory rape I'd been eighteen and the girl was fifteen. And no ways was I her first time. It would have been a simple one night stand but she got into trouble soon after and the police made a follow up on all the guys she'd been with.

There'd been plenty of others after that until I got mixed up with Norah, a divorcee. We had a nice thing going there until she got keen on marriage and I wanted to disengage. Then she cried rape. I realised, long afterwards, that she must have been a nutter. With a better defence I could have got off.

Still, it's no good crying about the past. If I can stay out of jail that is success enough. Meantime I was enjoying the job and the mostly outdoor life that went with it.

Then the next night Maggie came to my cabin.

"Hello Jim," she said.

Progress of a kind; I wasn't 'Plastic Balls' any more. "Hello Maggie."

"Do you still want to learn about horses?"

"Yeah. Sure."

"Can you ride?"

"No."

"Come on. I'll teach you."

And that's what she did. Over the next week or two I got to know a bit about horses. She showed me how to saddle up and how to ride. I was a bit wary of horses to begin with but I got to know them and even understand them. Maggie sure knew her stuff with horses. The horses knew that I didn't know my stuff, and they played me up at first.

As I learnt they became more compliant and manageable. I'd never have known but in some ways horse are quite intelligent.

Maggie taught me to get on a horse, steer it and get it to start and stop. All that time I'd been polite with her, maybe even a tad formal and certainly I hadn't flirted with her or anything. She'd been the teacher encouraging a willing pupil. And she hadn't called me Plastic Balls again. I was Jim.

One evening she decided I was ready for an outride.

"An outride?"

"Saddle up. You'll see."

An outride meant taking the trail, out of the paddock. One thing I learnt was that ranch was big. Maggie knew her way around and we rode together at a horse's walking pace. I wasn't ready for anything faster. The trick was to get in synch with the horse's movements. Once you did that you and the horse could go on forever. If you didn't a few hundred yards was more than enough.

"You got the idea nicely, Jim"

"Thanks."

"So how are you liking it here so far?"

"So far it's perfect. This place is the exact opposite of prison."

"Do you have any long term plans? Like what do you want to do with the rest of your life?"

I hadn't given it a thought. I still had the ex-con's lack of confidence. I was scared to plan long term.

"I want to stay here as long as I can," I said to Maggie.

"Do you?" There was a hint of pleased surprise in her voice. "Ma says you're only good for the summer. Then you'll be gone."

"Laid off or quit?"

"Quit. You're a city boy. You said so yourself. Ma says you'll answer the call of the concrete when you get your emotional strength back."

"Ma's a shrewd old cookie and she probably knows human nature. All I can say is that right now this place suits me fine."

We rode on in silence for a while. I was enjoying the sunset: a beautiful orange shading through pink to darkness across the sky. It occurred to me that we were actually riding into the sunset, like at the end of a movie.

"Jim, can I ask you somethin' personal?"

It seemed to me that Maggie was being quite ladylike. She was a different girl from the one who'd cut into my scrotum in the barn a few weeks back and who'd played with my prick while I was strapped up. "Sure. What?"

Maggie hesitated, then spoke slowly. "Giving up what you did, to get parole. How do you feel about that?"

I thought about it for so long that Maggie misunderstood my silence. "I'm sorry, Jim. I shouldn't have asked."

"No, Maggie. It's a fair question. I was trying to think of an answer. It's so complicated."

I told her about the convictions and how Norah had called rape when I'd ended our affair. Then I told her how I had hated prison. "So when this opportunity came for parole it was an easy choice. I just wanted out whatever the cost."

"Mind you, it's a major downgrade for any guy. You feel … inferior to other men. Any man when he looks at a woman, at the back of his mind is the thought that he could -er, make love to her and enjoy doing so. When you know you can't, that the ability to do so has been taken away, you feel humiliated and ashamed. You are worthless."

Maggie didn't reply. I was surprised that I was talking like this. I hadn't realized that it had upset me so much. "I tried to tell myself that what I'd lost was what had got me in there in the first place. That I was better off this way. It helped. Without them I'd be woman-proof and therefore safe."

"Then when I actually walked outside prison, it was so nice and felt so good to be free, I knew it was worth it. I had made the right choice."

There was another long silence. The horses were walking the trail unguided. They knew the way.

"What about those stick on patches? Doesn't that help?" Maggie's voice didn't sound quite normal, sort of constrained.

"Yeah. Kind of. But it's not the same. It's sort of not real. I dosed myself up that first day 'cos I wanted to make a good impression on Ma. And as you saw, I was actin' normal down there. Since then I've let it go."

"Let it go? Why?"

"I don't need it. Now I'm not even tempted. I can keep out of trouble and I'm safe. Anything's better than going back to prison."

Another long silence. By now it was quite dark. There was no moon, only starlight.

A thought occurred to me. "Take you Maggie. You're a very attractive girl. You know how guys come on to you. Every day, probably. Can you imagine how the old me would have been on to you like a shot? By now Ma'd have fired me for sexual harassment."

My attempt at a joke fell flat. Maggie didn't reply. She just sniffed and blew her nose.

The trail had looped round back to the barn and we were home. I dismounted and helped Maggie down, not that she needed any help but it seemed appropriate. We unsaddled, stabled and fed the horses. They hadn't worked up a sweat so they didn't need any more attention.

I walked her back to her cabin. "Thanks for the outride, Maggie. I enjoyed it."

"You're welcome. Your riding's coming along nicely."

"Well, see you tomorrow." I turned to go.

"Yeah."

I started to walk off. It felt funny doing so. It was almost a relief that I didn't have that aching urge to get into her pants or even kiss her goodnight. I missed it but at the same time it was reassuring. I'd be able to keep out of trouble. I could now trust myself to be alone with a pretty girl.

"Jim," she called after me.

"Yeah?"

A pause. "Goodnight."

"G'night, Maggie."

Next day we had the first visitors arrive, families with kids and couples. People were walking around in the nude like Maggie had said on that first day. Instead of snatching a quick glance at the talent as I'd have done in the old days, what got to me were the men. They had real balls in their sacs and it gave me that feeling of inferiority again. I was polite and friendly toward the visitors but I tried to keep out of their way.

Course, they were friendly and wanted to talk. For me, ever since I was cut, it's difficult making polite conversation to a woman I don't know and even more difficult when she's not wearing a stitch. Trying to talk man to man with the men was a challenge in it's own right. I got a feeling that they knew there was something wrong about me but not what. Maybe it was the pheromones.

That evening Maggie took me for another outride. "Ma'ld like us to go around nude, weather permitting. Otherwise it could upset the guests," she said as we saddled up.

"Well, it's a warm enough evening."

"Yeah." Maggie stripped off in a no big deal, matter of fact kind of way. I did too.

"So how did you get into cutting off men's balls," I asked her conversationally when we were on the trail.

"Started with horses. Done quite a few of those." We rode on in silence. I had an idea Maggie was finding this a difficult topic.

"Then one day, a few years back, the guy doin' your job tried to rape me. He had a knife and threatened to cut me with it if I resisted. Well, I did resist and he did cut me. But I was screamin' blue murder at the top of my lungs. Ma came in, saw what was happening and hit him over the head."

Maggie was staring straight ahead as she spoke in a neutral flat voice. I had a feeling this was the first time she'd talked about it. "Ma knocked him cold. Thought at first she'd killed him. Cutting off his balls was Ma's idea. I was scared but, as she pointed out, probably he'd raped others and he'd do it again. We had a duty to stop him. I couldn't argue with that."

"Apparently Ma herself has been raped once or twice in her time. She never married, never had kids. Maybe because of that. Whatever, she's got a thing about guys who do it. She'd probably kill 'em if she thought she'd get away with it."

"So I castrated him. We let him wake up and I did him without anaesthetic. It hurt. The idea was to stop 'em raping, not to torture 'em, so after that we kept a stock of anaesthetic. May be once a year we use it."

"He didn't say anything after? Go to the sheriff?"

"Ha! Fat lot of good that would have done him. But he didn't. Ma waved his own knife in front of his face and told him what she'd do with it if he gave any more of his… er trouble. He believed her. So did I."

"Quite a gal is Ma."

"Only with anything like that. Rest of the time she's a pussy cat; soft as butter."

"So there've been others after that first one?"

"Ma reckons she can smell 'em, the ones that'll cause trouble. Now she's ready for it and tries to catch 'em in the act. I'm the bait."

"Gee Maggie. You didn't give me that chance." I was chaffing her but she was in a serious mood.

"No. When you told Ma about your convictions she wasn't inclined to give you the benefit of the doubt. She wanted 'em off there and then.

Maggie looked at me. "Jim, I'm so sorry about that. I really am."

"No harm done, Maggie. You didn't actually take anything away from me."

"But I wouldn't blame you for despising me."

"Me despise you? Whatever for?"

"What I did-- tried to do to you. And I behaved like a tramp too. That was all an act to scare you."

"You succeeded. But I guessed as much afterwards."

She gave me a funny little shy smile.

It was getting a bit chilly. We turned off the trail and made our way back through a side path.

We were unsaddling the horses. "Jim I'd like to do something for you. How about a home cooked meal?"

"Great."

"What's your favorite?"

"Steak and fries."

"You got it. Tomorrow night?"

"Sure."

Next morning I wasn't sure what to wear, if anything. Then I saw Maggie, way off, in just her Stetson and boots taking a group of our visitors on an outride so I wore just some tan lotion.

I took the pick-up to a windmill that hadn't worked in years. It was a nice day for an outdoor job. I was replacing some vanes when Ma called me down. I was happy that she wore clothes. Ma in the nude wouldn't have been a pretty sight.

She asked me if I could fix the windmill and I told her it 'd soon be working. The mechanism had freed up nicely.

"Hmm. Good. That'll help us a lot. Jim, I been speaking to Maggie. I was wrong about you and I'm sorry."

I shrugged. "Nothin' to be sorry for Ma, but thanks anyway."

"Jim, Maggie says you got these stick on patches that make you a proper man again."

Nothing can ever make me a proper man again but it was too complicated to explain. I agreed with her.

"Well, I'd like you to wear 'em. If you don't mind."

"Okay Ma. But I ought to warn you. Trouble seems to find me. These last few weeks have been nice and relaxin'."

"I'll risk it if you will."

"All right. We'll see how it goes."

I finished the windmill. It worked well and in just a light breeze was delivering a little stream of water from underground into a storage tank.

I wasn't quite sure about those stick-on patches. You're supposed to put them on your butt. Going around in the nude it was there for all to see and virtually shouted "This guy's got no balls." In the end I stuck it on my hip where it was covered by the handyman's tool belt that I wore.

I was busy fencing most of the afternoon and it was quite late when I suddenly remembered Maggie's steak supper.

I showered and decided I ought to put on some clothes. Then I strolled over to Maggie's cabin. The smell of her cooking reached me as I approached and made my mouth water. I was hungry having had nothing to eat all day.

Maggie had made an effort with her appearance and was looking lovely. I complimented her and she was oddly pleased. For myself I felt the old longings again, the lovely curves of a woman's body were attracting me and I found myself wanting to get inside her pants. In one way I resented it. I was able to see that the sexual attraction that a man feels for a woman is in itself a kind of enslavement. Without the patches I'd been free of that and it had been liberating. Now I was back in its thrall and trying to resist.

I didn't have to resist the steak though. That was something I could safely enjoy without reservation and enjoy it I did. I told her afterwards just how much I'd enjoyed it.

"We aim to please Jim."

"You sure succeeded, Maggie."

During the evening, as we chatted about this and that with music in the background, I wasn't sure but I got an idea that Maggie wanted me to come on to her. Perhaps it was just the beer we drank that made her laugh at my jokes too much. I had it in mind to make a move on her but something held me back. Why would a woman like Maggie want to get involved with a man who had no balls and a prison record?

She wouldn't, I told myself.

Maybe it was a trap. 'Get him to try it and then zap him.' Maybe it was a plot by her and Ma Kronk to create an excuse to cut off my prick or something. Maybe I was just being paranoid. Perhaps Maggie really fancied me and genuinely wanted me to come on to her. I'd like to think that but I just didn't believe it. It was all too easy to imagine me going at it and Ma Kronk lurking outside ready to hit me over the head with a frying pan when Maggie screamed.

So I was on my best behavior that evening. At the end I ventured to take Maggie's hand, gave her a peck on the cheek and thanked her for a great meal and very pleasant evening.

"You're welcome. Come again."

"Thanks. I'd love to."

The ranch was filling up with guests, almost all of 'em were going around nude and it was easy to fit in without being self conscious about. Most of the guests were ordinary couples and families. Then a party of eight arrived in a mini-bus. They were all women, Soroptomists, ranging from around thirty to somewhere up around Ma Kronk's age.

I had to help 'em with their baggage. Their attitude made me want to laugh. Here were a bunch of ardent feminists who'd thought a week at a nude ranch would be a good, assertive idea. Now they were actually here with nude guys running around they would all rather be somewhere else. There was no evidence of any desire to get off their clothes.

I got the older ones installed first and worked my way down to the younger ones. I'd just brought in the suitcases for the last two when one of them said "Don't you remember me, Jim?"

I didn't, not at first. A closer look. Oh God! It was Norah.

"Wendy, this is Jim," Norah said to her companion. "Jim and I used to be an item."

"Until she dumped me," I told Wendy. It seemed a wise thing to say under the circumstances.

"I wouldn't have dumped you, Jim," Wendy said. "In fact you're exactly what I've been-"

"He's mine. I saw him first." Norah interrupted. I saw that flash of desire in her eyes that I remembered from when I'd broken up with her. I knew that Norah would make trouble if she didn't get what she wanted. And it'd be trouble regardless of the consequences.

"So what have you been up to lately Norah?" I wanted to defuse the situation.

"Oh, just getting on with my life. I got married again after you left… but it didn't work out. Edgar and I are divorced."

"I'm sorry to hear that, Norah." I meant it too. Norah single and on the prowl…

"And you Wendy?" This was just polite conversation. I'd even forgotten at that stage that I was nude.

"I'm still single. Not fair is it? Norah's had two husbands and I haven't had any."

"Your turn will come," I said.

Two of the older members of their party come in at that point. "We're all going down to the pool. Get your stuff off and join us. A nice swim will be good for you."

I took that chance and made my escape.

After work I went riding with Maggie. It had become a pleasant routine for both of us and it gave me a chance to explore the outer reaches of the ranch.

"I heard today that one of the guests is an old flame of yours," Maggie remarked.

I marveled at how fast gossip travels. I hadn't intended to say anything. I just wanted to keep a low profile during Norah's stay.

"And it seems she still fancies you," Maggie added.

"How did you hear that?"

"A group of them were booking an outride for tomorrow. They were all talking about you. Caused quite a twitter too. But I don't much admire your taste."

"Why not?"

"She struck me as a nasty piece of work. Ma thought so too."

"Then you are both good judges of character. She is a nasty piece of work."

Maybe it was something in my voice. Maggie turned and looked at me hard. "It was her wasn't it? She's the bitch who cried rape."

"Yeah."

"And after all that she wants to get back with you?" There was incredulity in Maggie's voice.

"She doesn't know I'm no use to her."

Maggie gave me a look. "Jim stop thinking like that."

"She can't know. Else she wouldn't want to get involved."

"For God's sake, Jim. There's more to a man than his damned balls."

She was upset about something. But I couldn't see why. Once again I found myself wondering how a woman's mind works.

"Jim listen to me carefully. What do you think a woman wants from a man?"

"Well ... good in bed for a start."

"That's the least of it."

I looked at her.

"That's a man's way of thinking, you dumbo."

"What then?" I asked. "And what has this got do with Norah?"

"Everything. She's thirty something and single. What do you think two failed marriages do for her? And being dumped by you?"

"I dunno. Depends why they failed, I guess. And I was years ago remember. She must have got over that by now."

We'd arrived at a log cabin got up like an old time staging post in the middle of nowhere. Maggie would bring her outride parties here during the day and they could take a break and freshen up.

We dismounted and hitched the horses. It would have felt like real wild west stuff but both of us being nude killed the authenticity. There were chairs set out on the stoep. Maggie got a couple of beers from inside. We sat and watched the sun set.

"So as you see it, because you don't have balls no woman 'd want you?" Maggie took a sip of beer from the bottle.

"Yeah."

"Have you ever thought how easy it is for a woman to get laid."

"Yeah. I have. There's a million guys around only too happy to oblige."

"Exactly. Sex isn't what women want from a man."

"No?"

"Jim, a woman wants a man for companionship, someone to face the world with her and be on her side. Make her feel safe and wanted."

"And loved?" I ventured.

" That most of all. She wants to be able to laugh at his jokes. And even just have him in her life so she can think about him when he's away."

"Er - yeah." This conversation was making me feel uncomfortable. I wasn't sure I wanted all this intimate stuff. For sure, it had nothing to do with me.

"Trouble is," Maggie went on, "It ain't every guy a woman can take to. There's plenty of trash out there too."

That put me in my place. I was part of the trash.

"Now think what I said. What part in all that do a man's balls play?"

"Er - the loving bit?"

Maggie let out a mock scream. "You don't get it you dumb idiot, do you?"

"What?"

"What I'm trying to tell you."

"Yes I do. You said that women want companionship and all. And there's no cause to shout."

The trouble with drinking beer out of a bottle is that there's a bottleneck to the flow. You can't get it down fast enough. But I finished and put down the bottle. I suppressed the belch out respect for Maggie.

I still didn't understand what she'd been getting at. I was under no illusions where I stood in the great game between men and women: on the sideline and out of the play.

"So what about Norah?" I asked as we remounted. How should I handle it?"

"Keep away from her as much as you can."

"Yeah. I'm doing that."

Maggie was quiet for a while. "I think you should move in with me."

"Eh?"

"If Norah thinks that you belong to me she ought to leave you alone. Most women would."

"Yeah. Good idea. Thanks Maggie. Only for while she's here and I promise I won't take advantage."

Maggie didn't reply. She was looking at the stars.

Hell but the rest of that week I ate well. Maggie was a darn good cook. She seemed to go out of her way to make me comfortable in her cabin. I appreciated that and always treated her courteously and with respect. I slept on the floor of her living room and never went into her bedroom. I was wearing the patches though and it was difficult being a gentleman. I doubt I could have behaved myself but I only had to think of going back to prison ...

Norah made a move on me on the Saturday when her party was leaving. I had to go into her cabin to collect the suitcases. "Come back with me Jim. It'll be like old times. We can pick up where we left off. You won't have to work at a crappy job like this any more. I've enough for both of us."

If I didn't know her so well I'd have been tempted. But since I did know her, and after Maggie had pointed it out to me, I could see the lonely desperate woman behind the friendly smile.

Instead of hating her I felt pity. "It wouldn't work, Norah. You know what I am. I've made a life for myself out here and I've got Maggie and Ma Kronk for family now." That was a complete lie but I wanted to let Norah down gently. "Somewhere in that big city there's a guy who's exactly right for you. And you'll find him. I know that."

Norah gave me a sad wistful smile and her eyes looked a touch watery. "Thank you, Jim." She hesitated. "Jim, I am so sorry for what I did to you. I've hated myself for it ever since. I just wanted you to know that."

She walked away.

Hmm. That hadn't been too difficult after all.

"So you got rid of Norah okay?" Maggie asked that evening.

"Yeah. You know I've lain on my bunk in prison thinking of how I could revenge myself on that bitch. Now, face to face, she was ... too pathetic to hate. Since you pointed it out, two divorces and all that, I could sort of get a sense of her loneliness. Quite sad, really."

"Wow Jim. That's the most you've ever said in one breath. So when did you kiss the Blarney Stone?"

I grinned. "Okay, so you prefer the strong silent types. Not us guys who run off at the mouth."

"No. Keep it up. I like it."

"Guess I ought to pack my stuff and move out." The idea didn't seem very attractive.

"Aren't you frightened I'll cry rape if you do?" There was a wicked twinkle in Maggie's eye.

"Gee, Maggie. I was looking forward to a nice soft bed tonight.

"There's one here, if you want it."

You can guess what happened. I'd been wearing patches and I'd built up a charge. I decided to risk all. No. I didn't decide. I had absolutely no say in it. The old standing prick syndrome had struck again.

It was about 1 am. Maggie sighed, "God Jim. What have you done to me?"

"Not bad for a guy with plastic balls, eh?"

"I think, if that's a sample, I prefer 'em to the original."

I guess from that moment on I was back in the game.

Concluded