This is a true story. Have I ever lied to you before?

I was taking an early morning stroll along the shore of Lake Ontario, near my high rise condo in the west end of Toronto, when I saw the sun reflecting off an object half buried in the sand. One of a small flock of the neighbourhood's Canada Geese was poking at it with its bill checking to.see if it was something edible, I suppose. Curious, I walked over to the object, making shooing noises at the goose, which backed off, hissing angrily at me. Bending down to pick it up, I could see that it was an odd shaped metal object of some kind, and as it came free of the sand I realised that I was looking at what appeared to be a replica of the mythical Aladdin's lamp. I started to brush off the particles of sand clinging to the lamp, if that's what it was: then stopped and looked around. There were a few people not far away, walking yheir dogs. This is ridiculous, I thought to myself: there's no such thing as a genie. Still...., perhaps I'll wait until I get home before I start messing with it.

Once back in the living room of my 35th floor apartment, with its wide windows overlooking the lake and the tall buildings of dwntown Toronto, I spread some newspaper on a coffee table, placed the lamp on it and then sat back and stared at it. It appeared to be made of brass, or could it be gold? It seemed to be in good condition. with no dents or scratches that I could see. Thoughts of genies and wishes swirled in my head. Finally I decided that the only way to find out if there was any truth to the legend was to go get a cloth and start rubbing the darned thing. So I did.

Suddenly, the lamp started to vibrate in my hand and there was a clap of thunder as a dense cloud of smoke, pierced by lightning flashes, shot out of the spout. I was so startled that I jerked back in my seat as I dropped the lamp and my chair went over backwards. As I lay there, feet up in the air, a deep voice cried out something that sounded like "Shazam!" Then, through the rapidly thinning smoke, a magnificent spectacle appeared. It was a tall, muscular black man, standing with his hands on his hips and his legs apart, wearing nothing but a rather skinny loincloth which did little to conceal the wearer's gender. Tearing my eyes away from these interesting bulges, I looked up to see a slyly smiling face, adorned with a long pointed moustache and surmounted by a totally bald skull.

"Hey, dude," he said, looking round the room. "Nice pad you've got here."

"I like it," I replied, adding somewhat inanely, "Did anyone ever tell you that you sound just like James Earl Jones?"

"Never heard of him. You can call me Darth," he added.

I looked at him suspiciously, but there was nothing in his expression to indicate that he was joking. I decided to cut to the chase. "About the three wishes," I began.

"Not so fast! Not so fast!"

"Now you sound like the 'Wizard of Oz', or was it his henchman?"

"Who's the whizzer Davoz?" Darth asked, with a puzzled frown.

"Never mind." I replied. "Can we discuss the wishes. I might have a proposition for you," I went on, staring at his crotch.

"Well, I suppose you want the standard package?"

It looks more like a super deluxe package to me, I thought, still staring at his loincloth. "What's the standard package?"

"Health, wealth and a ten inch dick. For women it's health, wealth and a boyfriend with a ten inch dick."

I laughed. "The first two sound good, but I don't need a 10" dick. I already have nine inches," I said, proudly, "I don't want to waste a wish just for an extra inch."

"Suit yourself. Now, what's this proposition you mentioned?"

"Ok. Am I right in assuming that you can't grant your own wishes, only those of someone who summons you out of your lamp?"

"That's right. You don't think I would spend most of my life squished up inside a stupid lamp if I didn't have to, do you?"

"Well, suppose I made a wish that affected you. Could you grant that?"

"I think I could, as long as it wasn't a wish suggested by me. What did you have in mind?"

"Freeing you from the lamp, and making you completely human. However, this would mean your having a human life span."

"I could live with that. Anything to be free of this lamp. Let's go for it."

"Ok. I wish for health, wealth, and for you, Darth, to be fully human and free from the lamp forever."

The genie waved his arms in the air and said, "I hereby grant your wishes." There was another thunder clap, sparks shot from his fingers and my hair stood on end. I fainted. When I came around I found myself lying on my back clutching a piece of paper. It was a bank statement, telling me that I had $10,000,000 in my checking account. But something didn't feel right. I put my hand down inside the front of my pants. My hand went down past my cock, but where my scrotum should have been there was just smooth skin!

"Why you dirty rat," I screamed. "I didn't say anything about losing my balls."

"Now, now. Temper, temper," Darth said, wagging a finger at me. You asked for health and you had testicular cancer in both balls. They were too far gone for me to save, so I had to remove them both."

"I don't believe you," I retorted angrily. "I think you had some other motive."

"You could be right, but you can't prove it. You don't need them any more anyway. You're going to be much too busy taking care of MY ten inch dick, he said, grinning. "Don't think I haven't noticed the way your eyes keep straying towards my crotch."

"I won't do it," I announced, unconvincingly.

"Oh, yes you will," he replied. "I haven't lost all my powers. I can turn you into a frog."

Oh, wonderful, I thought to myself. I'm going to be a sex slave.

Later, we strolled out of the condo side by side. "Louis," he said, turning to me, "I think this is the start of a beautiful friendship."*

How did he know my name is Louis?

*Apologies to 'Casablanca'.