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All persons, places, and events in this story are fictitious. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, places, or events is wholly coincidental.

Leopold der Geil, Graf von Immersteif was noted for two things: adultery and swordsmanship, his practise of the former necessitating skill in the latter. He prided himself on the fact that he had never killed a man in a duel. Rather, he skilfully pierced the unfortunate cuckold's testicles with his rapier, destroying them and thus making further services from his wife unnecessary.

His appetite for women was insatiable, but he was easily bored and, hence, his affairs, though intense, were brief. As his reputation for ruining wronged husbands grew, many cuckolds chose to ignore their wives' infidelities and remain men.

Some of the Count's conquests, however, were highly displeased at being used for a few weeks and then discarded. One of them chanced to have had an affair before her marriage to Baron Ottokar von Ochsenhirn with a far better swordsman than Count Leopold, namely, Captain James Gordon.

Captain Gordon prided himself on two things: never issuing a challenge to a duel, and never killing a disarmed man. Inasmuch as the ancient code duello grants to the challenged the choice of weapons, it was to Captain Gordon's advantage to goad his intended opponent into challenging him.

He hated duelling with pistols and refused to do so except under extraordinary circumstances . It was his contention that the outcome of such duels was dictated by luck, not skill. He also hated rapiers, "French pig-stickers", as he called them and always chose sabres which he employed in the German style. [He had attended Heidelberg and had the sabre scar on his cheek to prove it.] He disdained the balletic French style of swordsmanship but had embellished the German style of sabre duelling with certain moves, such as the Veronica, borrowed from Spanish bullfighting.

An encounter with Count Leopold forced Baron Ochsenhirn to add impotency to his other inestimable traits such as stolidity, boorishness, and stupidity. The loss of his virility was not even an inconvenience to the Baroness, but Leopold's cavalier treatment of her constituted a real grievance. She wrote to her old friend, Captain Gordon and brought Count Leopold's career as an adulterer, swordsman, and gelder of cuckolds to his attention.

Leopold der Geil, Graf von Immersteif's reputation had already come to Captain Gordon's attention and he had wondered idly how he might goad the Count into challenging him to a duel. He might refuse to inasmuch as Captain Gordon was a commoner. He might just set his lackeys on the insolent commoner. He would have fewer lackeys afterward, but servants were expendable.

Whether the Count would fight him might depend on what European feudal rank he considered equivalent to a Scottish Laird. Though born in Canada, James Gordon had inherited a small estate in Scotland and the title of Laird o' Loch Howe. Of course, also, all of the cuckolds whom the Count had fought and gelded were inferior to him in rank.

The letter from Baroness Sophonisba von Ochsenhirn, better known to Captain Gordon as Sophie, was a welcome one. They had parted on friendly terms over ten years ago, agreeing that their affair was "just one of those things." Neither of them had been serious about it or at all disposed toward matrimony.

Upon reading of her husband's grievous misfortune, Captain Gordon wondered briefly if she were angling for a renewal of the affair. He hoped not as he could imagine the effects of a decade's indulgence in sweets on her figure. However, he soon concluded that what she really wanted was revenge on the Count for discarding her.

Captain Gordon was very willing to visit Sophie in Thuringia, an area which he had always found to be exceptionally beautiful. On the off chance that he might be challenged to a duel, he brought a pair of sabres with him and, though he would make every effort NOT to have to use them, a pair of obsolete snaphaunce dueling pistols.

Having been introduced to the fat dispirited Baron Ochsenhirn and exchanged comments on the weather, Captain Gordon was left alone to chat tête a tête with

Sophie who, though surely "well-upholstered", was nowhere as stout as Capt. Gordon had expected.

The crux of the conversation was how to get the Count to challenge Capt. Gordon to a duel. At need, as when he wanted to provoke a challenge, Captain Gordon could be pretty damned obnoxious. However, he couldn't afford to be too rude or the Count would let his lackeys handle the matter, and, although Capt. Gordon was quite confident of his ability to wreak carnage upon the Count's domestic establishment, he had no quarrel with them and would get no satisfaction out of slaughtering them. He reminded himself to use his title: Laird Gordon o' Loch Howe, to put him on a less inferior social footing with the Count.

There were two subjects on which Count Leopold was exeptionally tetchy: his sexual prowess, and his prowess as a swordsman. As Laird Gordon could hardly be expected to have any personal knowledge of Count Leopold's sex life, it remained to find some way to disparage his swordsmanship.

Though a German, Count Leopold was an adherent of the French school of swordsmanship, while Laird Gordon, as a graduate of Heidelberg, was a staunch adherent of the German style of sabre duelling. Count Leopold had not attended Heidelberg and preferred the rapier (or "French pig-sticker" as Gordon called it)

It would not be at all difficult for Baroness Sophonisba von Ochsenhirn to arrange a meeting between Laird Gordon o' Loch Howe and Count Leopold. Although the Count preferred to speak French, Captain Gordon, though he could both speak and understand it was not really fluent in it and intended to address the Count in his native German whether he liked it or not. This could be counted on to annoy him immediately.

It would not be difficult to introduce the topic of swordsmanship into the conversation and, although it would certainly be tactless to say so, though, perhaps unsurprising from a rough-hewn Scottish Laird, he would be sure to point out that much of the Count's reputation as a swordsman was based on duels with cuckolds having no pretensions to skill in swordsmanship. If he escaped being carried off by apoplexy, the Count would surely challenge Captain (or Laird) Gordon. Captain Gordon would, of course, insist on the choice of weapons.

Sophie was invited to a party given by her friend, Countess Elvira von Burgos, to which, as a matter of course, Count Leopold would have been invited. It presented no problem for her to ask if she might bring a Scottish friend, Laird James Gordon of Loch Howe.

Fortunately, Captain Gordon owned a Clan Gordon kilt and plaid which, when it became obvious that he would need to use his Scottish title, he had brought with him, along with the necessary accessories: sporran, bonnet, dirk, Argylle stockings, and sgian dubh. He deliberately did NOT bring with him the basket-hilted claymore which he considered clumsy and poorly balanced. As always, he had placed in the care of his manservant, Oscar, a pair of fine German sabres and a boxed set of 17th century snaphaunce duelling pistols with all of their accessories.

Countess von Burgos replied that she would be delighted inasmuch as she had not had a Scot at one of her parties in AGES. It was a relief to Captain Gordon to learn that there would be no other Scots present inasmuch as his command of the language was far from perfect.

When Laird Gordon was introduced to Count Leopold, he bowed, but no lower than courtesy to an equal would require. Count Leopold was visibly displeased. He addressed Laird Gordon in French and the Laird replied in German, indicating that he had not fully understood the Count's words, adding in Scottish-accented English "Losh, ah cannae twest ma toong aboot them Frrrench worrrds."

The dinner was excellent. The piéce de résistance was Kassler Rippchen [smoked pork loin with gravy and potato dumplings] served with a fine Moselle wine, Bernkasteler Doktor spätlese.

After dinner, the gentlemen retired to the library for brandy [Asbach Uralt] and cigars. The Countess had kindly provided Scotch whisky for the Laird. Count Leopold grumbled about the use of a German brandy which he regarded as inferior to French brandies and Laird Gordon commented that they would be better off drinking "guid Scots whusky" which was better than both German and French brandies, another remark which sat poorly with the Count.

Baron Othmar von Burgos, the Countess' younger brother asked a seemingly innocent question [but Sophie von Ochsenhirn may have suggested it to him.] "Laird Gordon, are you by any chance related to the renowned swordsman, Captain James Gordon "

"I am he" replied the Laird. "My captaincy is neither military nor naval, but maritime. I was for many years the captain of a Dutch merchant ship. I have fought with the cutlass against pirates on each of the seven seas."

"Ah, but you have duelled often also, have you not ?" asked Baron Othmar.

"Yes. I have never challenged a man to a duel, but there have been many who wished to test their skill against mine and have challenged me. If possible, I have tried to avoid fights to the death and to let first blood or surrender settle the issue.

I have never surrendered and it is always I who draw the first blood."

"I have heard that you are considered the greatest swordsman in the British Empire" commented Baron Othmar.

"That is an exaggeration." said Captain Gordon, with a laugh. "I haven't visited every part of the British Empire. "

"I am accounted the best swordsman in Europe." boasted Count Leopold.

"Indeed ?" replied Captain Gordon, raising his eyebrows. "How strange. As I understand it, your experience in swordsmanship is limited to duels forced upon cuckolds who were inexperienced, unskilled, and out of practise as swordsmen. Surely, such duels are no test of a swordsman's ability. Have you ever duelled with a first-rate swordsman ?"

His face scarlet with rage, the Count jumped up and shouted "HOW DARE YOU

impugn my prowess as a swordsman ?"

"I can but repeat my question, Count Leopold. 'Have you ever duelled with a first-rate swordsman ?' "

"Verflucht !" Have you ?

"I believe that some of you may have heard of these men: Count Ivan Borisovitch Swarovsky, Abdul Selim Malik, LeConte Pierre de Tournemerde, Sir Leverett Featherstonehaugh-Grimsby, Baron István Bathory-Nagy, and Freiherr Gunther von

Grossbauch. All were expert swordsmen. All now lie beneath the Earth while I yet tread its surface"

"NOT FOR LONG" snarled Count Leopold. I challenge you, Captain or Laird, or whatever you are, to a duel to the death."

"Very well, Count Leopold. I accept your challenge. As I am sure that you are aware, the code duello grants to the challenged the choice of weapons. I choose sabres."

This choice took the Count very much aback. He had never even held a sabre in his hand, much less fought with one. "But I don't have a sabre." he claimed, hoping to get Captain Gordon to change his choice.

"But I do." replied Captain Gordon. "Two, in fact. I never travel without them.

Where will our 'field of honour' be ?"

"There is a stone-paved terrace beside my palace. " answered the Count. "It is free of obstructions."

"That should be quite suitable. And the time ?"

"An hour after dawn."

"Agreed."

At this point, a few remarks about rapiers and sabres might not be amiss. The rapier was popular throughout Europe as a duelling weapon. The blade is very thin and , being almost equidimensional in cross section, almost useless for slashing except at its extremely sharp point. It is a thrusting and stabbing weapon. The long thin blade is easily broken at the grip, a major weakness in its design.

The sabre has a very long, usually slightly curved, single edged blade. The point is the intersection of a sharp curved edge and a blunt straight edge, less than ideal though usable for stabbing. The back edge of the blade is thick and flat and is used in parrying. The sabre is mainly a slashing weapon.

From the aspect of technique, obviously very different for two such different swords, the most important difference is in weight distribution. In a rapier, most of the weight is concentrated in the grip and the guard [the latter being often of fantastically and unnecessarily complex design]. In the sabre, most of the weight is in the blade. In the hand, it feels entirely different from the rapier.

In the morning, an hour after dawn, or about 7:30 AM, Captain Gordon arrived at the stone-flagged terrace beside Count Leopold's palace, accompanied by his manservant Oscar, carrying two Heidelberg-style duelling sabres. Count Leopold was there awaiting them and accompanied by his second and his physician (the latter a very good idea).

"Please do me the honour, Sir, to take your choice of one of these two sabres which are as nearly identical as the hand of Man can make them." Count Leopold viewed both of them with obvious distaste, but, making no comment, selected one.

He was appalled at the weight, nearly four times that of a rapier, and the point-heaviness of the sabre.

Count Leopold realised that his French duelling technique would have to be modified radically to compensate for the sabre's characteristics, and that he had no time to learn how to modify it. In short, he was in serious trouble.

The Count assumed the French posture with the sword arm extended and the left arm extended behind him and the left hand flapping limp-wristedly. Captain Gordon placed his left forearm in the small of his back, and held his sabre with the blade canted above the horizontal.

Without further formalities, Count Leopold lunged . Captain Gordon simultaneously turned to the left and took a step backward so that the Count rushed ineffectually past him as does the bull when the matador executes a Veronica.

On the Count's way by, Captain Gordon slashed his cheek with the point of his sabre, drawing first blood.

The Count wheeled to face his opponent and Captain Gordon brought the back edge of his sabre down onto the back edge of blade of the Count's sabre close to the guard, knocking it out of his hand. Immediately, Captain Gordon grounded his point and said "Pick it up. I won't kill an unarmed man."

The Count, having retrieved his sword stood his ground and tried to thrust and parry. He found the heavy sabre almost impossibly clumsy for thrusting. Captain Gordon, accustomed to the sabre, kept parrying the Count's ineffectual thrusts with the blunt edge of his sabre and poking at the Count's arms and chest, inflicting numerous 1" wide cuts and goading him into a dangerous recklessness, as the picador enrages the bull.

Throwing caution and all of his knowledge of fencing, which had proved useless, anyhow, to the winds, Count Leopold raised his sabre above his head, intending to split Captain Gordon's skull. Many a pirate had tried this and learned too late that he had left his entire body unprotected, as Captain Gordon's cutlass passed through it.

This time, however, Captain Gordon swatted the raised sabre aside with the flat of his blade nearly, but not quite, knocking it out of his hand. Count Leopold managed to catch the guard with one finger. Before he could get a good grip on it, however, aptain Gordon brought the razor-sharp edge of his sabre up along the inside of the Count's left thigh, across to the right thigh and down, cutting an inverted U-shaped flap in the crotch of the Count's silken breeches.

It flopped down and that which had been behind it fell out onto the stone terrace.

With a scream of amazement and horror, Count Leopold started at his male organs lying on the flagstone at his feet. He raised his sabre with a look of implacable demonic hatred on his face. Captain Gordon shook his head and said, dismissively, "Don't bother. I don't fight with eunuchs."

Count Leopold lunged. As always, Captain Gordon turned and stepped back.

[Would the fool never learn ?] This time, as the Count rushed headlong past him, Captain Gordon raised his sabre and brought it down on Count Leopold's right wrist.

There was a snapping and cracking of breaking bone. The sabre which the Count had been holding clattered on the flagstones with the Count's right hand still holding the grip. Count Leopold stared for a moment open-mouthed at his severed hand and the bleeding stump of his right wrist and fainted.

Oscar detached the Count's dead hand from his master's sabre and wiped the grip with a rag. The Count's second, Baron Arschlecker, gathered up the Count's right hand, testicles, and formerly virile member while Count Leopold's physician attended as best he could to the Count's hurts.

It remains only to be said that Count Leopold survived and retired to a mountain estate where he used to vacation and which he never left again. Captain Gordon, after receiving the thanks of the cuckolded husbands, left for further adventures in Australia.