Coach Max Victor surveyed the soccer team of Waterman College lined up before him and decided that there was good material there even if they had achieved the unenviable distinction of not winning a single game last season. They had, however, a great deal of un-learning to do.

"I'm Max Victor, your new soccer coach." he began. "After your victoryless season, the Administration of this school hired me to replace Mr. Angell, your previous coach. I know Clarence Angell and I respect him. He is a fine gentleman. Unfortunately, soccer is not a gentleman's game. Fencing is, lawn bowling is, croquet is; football, which only Americans call soccer, is not. Soccer is a game for rowdy ruffians. So is rugby.

There are a number of things which Mr. Angell taught you which, in a perfect world, would be true. In the real world, they are dangerously untrue. The most pernicious of these untruths is 'It doesn't matter whether you win or lose, it's how you play the game that counts.' In fact, there's no substitute for victory and losers

get scant respect.

I want a show of hands on this: how many of you have ever heard anyone say of the losing team 'Well, they didn't win, but didn't they play well ?' I don't see any hands. You'll notice that I didn't raise mine, either. No, to the winners go the laurels, to the losers, at best, pitying looks , more often sneers and jibes. Winning is everything; losing is nothing.

Many years ago, I saw a film about auto racing. I've forgotten most of it, except for one scene which stuck in my mind. A driver has won the race because the lead car spun out and hit the wall, killing the driver. A woman whom he is telling about his victory says 'But, what a horrible way to win ' The driver says 'There are no horrible ways to win; there is only winning.'

Remember that. Whatever you may have to do to win, there is only winning. No more than half of a victory is due to your strengths. The rest is due to your opponent's weaknesses. You cannot afford not to exploit your opponent's weaknesses.

Unfortunately, in all team sports, baseball, football, basket-ball, lacrosse, hockey, and "soccer" there is a tendency for teams to depend altogether too much on the talents of a few, usually no more than three, exceptional players. These are all TEAM sports and everyone's contribution should be important to victory . But, that's often not how it is. The other players are all subordinates to the star athletes. NOT a good idea !

So, what happens if the stars can't play owing to injury or illness ? The rest of the team who've been running on idle aren't up to shouldering the burden of carrying the team to victory, and they lose. Obviously, then, depending too much on star athletes is a weakness in the team, one just waiting to be exploited.

If a team is known to depend heavily on a few good men, the logical thing to do is

get those men off the field ! That requires exploiting their weaknesses. Where is a man weakest and most vulnerable ? Come on, you all know the answer. Somebody speak up." A voice from the back row said "the groin."

"Alright", said Coach Victor, "Specifically, the balls. The fastest way to get a man out of the game is to go for his balls. Yes, I know, that's dirty playing. I told you that soccer is not a gentleman's game. The dirty player wins; the gentleman loses. Of course, any attack on a man's balls is a personal foul. Therefore, you must be sure that the referees don't see it done.

The intended victim must be surrounded by or buried under our players. Scrimmage [in the original sense of a rough or vigourous struggle, in practise, often a pile of bodies atop one player] provides the best opportunity not to be seen but little room for movement.

So, suppose you get a key player down on his back and you're on top of him. What can you do ? Remember that most soccer players, whether professional or collegiate, are so macho that, not only do they not wear cups, they don't even wear jockstraps. Your target is usually easily accessible. If you were to reach up inside either leg of his shorts, you would soon find his balls vulnerable and waiting for you.

If he is wearing a jockstrap with or without a cup, it's not hard to get your hand inside the pouch . There are three things you can do to his balls which will take him out of the game. One: squeeze them as hard as you can. I'm going to give each of you a hard rubber ball. I want you to practice squeezing it with each hand to strengthen your grip.

The effects of squeezing are cumulative. The longer you squeeze, the more disabling it is. So, hang on like a bulldog until the scrimmage starts to break up.

The second thing is to pull them out through the leg of his shorts. It's important to pull both fast and hard.

If you do, you'll find that the resistance increases at first and then suddenly drops, perhaps in two steps as his groins give way and hernias form. A ruptured player cannot continue to play soccer. If you should continue to pull, the resistance would increase again and then suddenly decrease again, often in two steps. This happens when the spermatic cords break or tear away."

"But won't that..........." began one of the players. "Stop right there !" barked coach Victor. "While you are out on that field, you concern yourself only with the present moment, NOT the future. Worry about future consequences after the game, if you want to. Do what is necessary and possible then and there. It's not your probhlem, it's his.

If the forearm would rotate more than 180 degrees, twisting would be very useful, but, in fact, it's not very effective. The third thing that can be done is to squeeze and pull simultaneously. If you have the room to pull while squeezing, this is the most effective attack of all.

Well, what about kicking, punching, kneeing, and stamping ? They're all highly effective but very hard to conceal. Usually the player has to be hidden from view by being surrounded by our players. Remember: If the referee didn't see it, it didn't happen.

Kicks from behind, bringing the upper surface of the foot up under the balls and drawing it back to squash them against the pelvis are very popular in professional soccer. I have several good slides of them which I'll show you later. The players appear to be out in the open and I can't help wondering where the referees were.

You don't want to get red-carded, so you have to make sure that no referee can see what you're doing. If you get an opposing player down, while you're piling onto him there should be some good opportunities for stamping and knee-drops. It doesn't really matter whether his team-mates see it or not. Nothing counts except what a referee sees.

Of course, if you're dressed the same as your opponents, you're just as vulnerable as they are. But, you won't be. I've studied foul protectors intensively and found two which are devilishly hard to get a hand inside of. One is the bulky, hot and uncomfortable Mexican foul protector which is made of fiberglass, the other is the Thai kick-boxing foul protector. I have one of each here for you to examine. You may use whichever you prefer. You will NOT go out on the field without it, even to practise.

Are there any questions ?"

A voice from the back of the room asked "How can you give us such vile indecent advice ."

"That's easy." replied coach Victor. "It wins games."

"Is that all that matters to you ? Winning games ?" asked the player, one Silas Barker, a minister's son.

"Yes" answered the coach. " '.......There is only winning' "

"Well, I won't do those things, especially not to win a game." retorted Silas Barker.

"Suppose I make you the goalie ? Then you won't have to tackle any players." said the coach.

Silas Barker realized that this would give him an "out" by allowing him to evade moral responsibility for whatever happened on the field. Concerned only with guarding the goal, he wouldn't even have to watch most of the action on the field.

"Alright", he replied tersely.

Stan Mazurski wanted to know "How do we avoid getting red-carded ?"

"As I said before," replied coach Victor, 'What the referees didn't see didn't happen.' Don't worry about the refs on the sidelines. All they can see is what happens out in the open. It's that roving ref out on the field that you have to watch out for. He doesn't have X-ray vision. If you surround or cover the player you're about to foul, he can't see it.

It's a very common practise to distract his attention. I've actually seen a player come up behind the ref, reach around in front of him, grab his balls, and squeeze. That does distract his attention for a while. So does a kick in the ass that sends him sprawling on his face in the mud. If he's black or Puerto Rican, certain remarks such as 'You' Momma......' or 'Su Madre.......' are effective attention diverters.

The first team we face next season is Holy Ghost College. Their team are all nice Lutheran boys who are rarely red-carded. They'll be shocked to the core by your brutality, and ill-prepared to cope with it. My spy there tells me they never wear jockstraps.

'Spy' ? Yes. I have spies in the Phys. Ed. Department of every college that we'll play. We'll know all about their teams, who the key players are, what their tactics will be, and how they're coached. How I get these 'traitors' to collaborate with us is my business. We'll be playing with a stacked deck of marked cards."

A week before the game against Holy Ghost College, there was a briefing session.

"Here's the information you need to know about the HGC soccer team. They depend very heavily on three talented players , too heavily altogether. They are Karl Gustafson, No. 12, long-legged, a very fast runner, has huge balls, gets red-carded oftener than the others for using his elbows. Eric Kjellstrom, No. 26, built like a tank , bulls his way through the opposition, has been ruptured on the right side. Luther Hexenbrenner, No. 8, very slippery and evasive, moves sidewise as fast as forward, extremely near-sighted - does not wear glasses or contact lenses when playing , has only one ball but takes no special pains to protect it.

Coach Larson does not believe in jockstraps. Freely hanging balls can more easily slip or roll out of the way of impact than if packed into a jockstrap. Actually, he's right about that, but we're not concerned with impact. To give the balls plenty of freedom of motion, HGC players wear very loose shorts.

Coach Larson prefers a very open game to give his runners plenty of room. This also gives us the best opportunity to crowd around them and hide our mayhem from the refs. Obviously, those loose shorts are very easy to reach inside of. They tend to play a rather defensive game, except for Kjellstrom who is their most aggressive player.

My strategy is that a good offense is the best defense. Always be aggressive. Push them constantly, unremittingly. Never yield an inch. Take the key players out as quickly as possible. Keep one eye on that roving ref.

The HGC team expected Waterman to be a pushover as it had been last year. They got a shocking surprise. When Eric Kjellstrom tried to crash through their defense in his usual way, the Waterman players stepped aside until he was in their midst and then pounced on him and got him down on his back. Todd Vance landed across Kjellstrom's waist.

Like a striking snake, his right hand darted up into the right leg of Kjellstrom's shorts. Before too many others piled onto him to restrict his range of movement. Todd grabbed Eric Kjellstrom's balls, squeezed as hard as he could and pulled them out of the leg of his shorts, down halfway to his knees. Although Todd could not hear the "pops" as two ruptures popped out on the HGC player's groins, first on the previously ruptured right side and then on the left, he could feel the change in resistance as he pulled. He could also hear Eric Kjellstrom's screams as he continued relentlessly to squeeze the balls which were starting to yield under the pressure.

As the scrimmage broke up and Todd felt the weight on his back decrease, he released Kjellstrom's balls and slithered off to the side so that no one could see who had grabbed them.

When all of the Waterman players had got off him, Eric Kjellstrom lay on his side in a fetal posture holding his ruptured groins and moaning. His teammates helped him to his feet, but he was bent over and his already swollen balls were hanging out of the right leg of his shorts. They managed to walk him off the field to Coach Larson who quickly examined him and immediately called an ambulance.

Coach Larson went over and yelled at coach Victor about it. Coach Victor merely replied quietly "The referees didn't see it; therefore,it didn't happen." Coach Larson, fit to be tied, talked to one of the referees who merely shrugged his shoulders.

Karl Gustafson was the next of HGC's star players to be brought down. He had butted the ball toward the Waterman goal with his head when every player not involved in guarding the goal converged on him and brought him down. Stanley Mazurski was lying diagonally across Gustafson's knees, close enough to his crotch that he could reach up into the left leg of his shorts and get a good grip on his balls with both hands, one over the other to maximise the pressure to be brought to bear.

Mazurski squeezed quickly and as hard as he could with both hands. Karl Gustafson screamed and struggled, though much hampered by the weight of the Waterman players piled on him. Stanley felt a warm thick liquid pour out over his hands and realised that he was actually squeezing the gism right out of Gustafson's balls which were beginning to yield noticeably to the pressure.

As first the left and then the right ball suddenly turned soft and shapeless, Gustafson's struggles became convulsions. He stiffened and then, going into shock, slumped. Mazurski released the bag of mush which had been Karl Gustafson's balls.

By the time the Waterman players had got off him, Karl Gustafson was in a coma. An ambulance was called which got him to the ER at St. Olaf's Hospital with minutes to live had he not been treated for neurogenic shock immediately.

Now, only Luther ("the Eel") Hexenbrenner remained of HGC's Triple Threat. Luther was as slippery as a greased pig and had been responsible for HGC's only goal so far. His poor vision, though, handicapped him badly. If the HGC players hadn't worn blaze orange shorts, he couldn't have told his teammates from the opposition.

The word was passed among the Waterman players "GET HEXENBRENNER !" That was much more easily said than done. Repeatedly, he slipped away from their grasp. Finally, Bobby Gubitosi tackled him behind the knees while surrounded by Waterman players so that the roving ref. couldn't see what was happening. As soon as Luther lost his balance and began to fall backward, nine of the eleven men that Waterman had on the field pounced on him and dragged him down.

Jeff Wiggins landed across Luther's belly, too far up to reach up either leg of his shorts. So, Jeff reached down behind the waistband of Luther's shorts and into his crotch where he grabbed Luther's one big ball and pulled it, not down toward his knees, but up and back toward his stomach.

This bent the cord sharply back over the pubic bone pinching the spermatic artery

against the pubic bone, bursting the artery and causing hemorrhage into the scrotum. Neurogenic shock from this injury plunged Luther Hexenbrenner into a coma.

The HGC players carried Luther to Coach Larson who quickly found that Luther's scrotum was distended to the size of a mango by the blood from the ruptured artery. Coach Larson 'phoned for an ambulance for Luther Hexenbrenner, though he looked as if he needed one himself.

He stalked over to Coach Victor and shouted "I'm going to report you to the Athletic Commissioner !" His face was scarlet and his lips were purple. the veins in his temples bulged and pulsated visibly.

Coach Victor smiled and answered, "Sure, go ahead. Make a fool of yourself. You can't prove anything. I repeat 'What the refs didn't see didn't happen.' " Instead of retorting, Coach Larson put his hand on his chest with a look of pain on his face, and turned and walked away slowly.

The ambulance was delayed and required 40 minutes to reach the stadium. Fortunately, the medic on board was equipped and qualified to treat Luther for shock. There was a similar delay on the way to St Olaf's Hospital and Luther's one testicle, deprived of blood for over an hour, before he arrived, died.

Though he was suffering chest pains and respiratory distress, Coach Larson refused to seek medical aid for himself until the game was over. That didn't take very long. Utterly demoralised, the Holy Ghost College team played dismally and

suffered a crushing defeat: Waterman 10 to HGC 1.

Coach Larson, unable to give much help to the team owing to his illness, collapsed three minutes after the end of the game suffering from a massive myocardial infarct,

which, amazingly, he survived, though he was permanently disabled.

This game set the pattern for the season. The Waterman team became the most feared and hated team in collegiate soccer. They collected remarkably few penalties, though. Their predatory and vicious behaviour accorded ill with the traditional name of the team: the Waterman Beavers, and Coach Victor petitioned the administration to permit it to be changed to the Barracudas. Doubtless, Ball Busters would have been more appropriate, but the administration would never have approved of that.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Cooking Dinner For Two? Sign Up & Get Immediate Member-Only Savings.