Add A Zero

A new greed show sweeping the TV ratings, with host Revis Filman.

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"Welcome to ADD  A  ZERO! The game show for a new generation! I'm 
you host, Revis Filman, and let's introduce our contestants, The 
Andersons!"
(Wild Applause, well dressed middle aged man and woman, along with 
boy in white t-shirt and  blue shorts, jog out from the wings.)
"Welcome to Add a Zero! You are..."
"Jim, Jim Anderson, this is my wife Joan, and our son, Tim."
"Where are you from?"
"Davenport, Iowa, Revis."
"And Joan, how long have you two been married?"
"19 wonderful years Revis."
"19 years! How about that, audience?"
(Audience cheers on cue.)
"Is Timmy here your only child?"
"Oh no, we have four! Tim here is the youngest."
"Four kids! Are the others boys or girls?"
"Tim is our only son, Revis."
(Revis turns to Tim.)
"How old are you Timmy."
"Call me Tim. I'm twelve."
(Revis turns to audience)" 'Call me Tim' he says."
(Turns back to Tim) Do you fight with your sisters much?"
"Yeah, sometimes..."
(Joan: )"That's why we brought HIM today. He's the wild one of the 
bunch."
"Okay now let's choose our audience participant. Tim, will you do 
the honors?"
(Tim reaches into fishbowl for slip of paper.)
"Read the name."
"Ya..Ya-lon-da... (screams from audience) Simmons."
"Yalonda Simmons! Come on down!"
(Young girl in dreadlocks and glasses comes screaming down the 
center isle waving her hands in the air.)
"Yalonda, Yalonda. Calm down now."
"Oh... I'm... So... Excited.
(Revis turns Yalonda towards the camera.) "Yalonda, where are you 
from?"
"Chicago, South Side of Chicago, Mr. Filman." (Screams and hoots of 
approval from audience.)
"How old are you?" 
"Fourteen."
"Do you have any hobbies, other than chewing gum?"
(Yalonda swallows gum.) I sing in the Church Choir. 57th Street 
Baptist Church." (More hoots and whistles from audience.)
"Shake hands with Timmy--er Tim here, and let's get ready to play 
Add A Zero!" (More wild audience cheering.) "Yalonda, cuff Tim's 
hands behind his back, that's right, not too tight."
"I've never done this before."
"Don't worry now, are you ready to do what sometimes happens on Add 
A Zero?"
"Yes Sir, if he's as naughty as his mother says, fighting with his 
sisters all the time."
"That a girl. Now hook the cuffs onto the wall there. Right. (Turns 
to parents) Are you ready Mr. and Mrs. Anderson?"
"We're ready!"
"Yes."
"As always, we start out with ten dollars, you will hear a 
category, and then, if you want you can bet Timmy and ADD A ZERO 
and raise the prize to a hundred dollars. If you answer that 
question correctly we ADD A ZERO to the prize for the next 
question." (Andersons nod) "Your first category is... STATE 
CAPITALS. Do you want to ADD A ZERO to...."
"Yes Revis, let's add that zero!"
"OK then. State Capitals for A HUNDRED Dollars: What is the capital 
of Florida?"
(Anderson's whisper amongst themselves)
"Are you ready there Tim and Yolanda?
"Yes ready!"
 (Andersons nod. Jim beams at Revis.) "Tallahassee!"
"Tallahassee it is! For a hundred Dollars!" (Wild cheers from 
crowd.)
"Are you using any particular strategies today?"
(Joan: )"Yes Revis, we want to add the zeros early when the 
questions are easiest."
(Jim: )"And bring the most unruly kid!" (Laughs from audience and 
Revis.)
"Okay Anderson’s, you’ve won a hundred with your strategy so far, 
are you ready for a thousand?"
"We’re ready Revis!"
"The next category is STATE POPULATIONS. Want to add a zero to 
state populations?"
(Joan and Jim consult) Yes Revis, we’ll ADD THAT ZERO!"
"Did you hear that Tim? They are adding that Zero!"
"Yeah, It’s Okay."
"Okay Andersons, for A THOUSAND DOLLARS, What state has the Second 
Largest Population? The SECOND largest?"
(Andersons consult, they begin to look worried.)
"Yolanda, you’re still ready?"
"Yes, Sir!"
(Short pause) "Time’s up Anderson’s. Do you have an answer?"
"Well, my husband says New York is the biggest state, and 
California second, and I say the opposite."
(Revis: )"You must decide."
(Jim: )"California."
(Joan: )"Okay, California I guess."
"You both agree?"
"Yes, California."
"OHHHHHH, Sorry Andersons. (Crowd moans) Yolanda! Give those 
clothes a good hard pull. (Yolanda pulls and Tim’s clothes rip and 
sag.) Jerk it hard Yolanda, they are made to tear away! (She jerks 
hard and velco gives way exposing a  naked Tim. Audience cheers 
Yolanda, who giggles. Revis steps over to Tim.)
"Well Tim! How about them apples?" (Tim looks at the floor and 
shrugs)
"What do you think, Yolanda?"
"They’re smaller than I thought they would be."
"Well, we can’t all be stallions, Yolanda!"
"Anderson’s do you think you’ll be adding another zero tonight?"
"No Revis, we promised him we’d only go this far."
"Disappointed Yolanda?"
"Oh, no! I’m happy just to be able to come up and be part of the 
show."
"Well, you are going away with the thousand dollars that the 
Anderson’s just lost. No, don’t sit down yet! They might change 
their minds!"
"All right, Mr. Filman."
"Okay Andersons, that’s strike one, you weren’t able to add your 
zero so we are back to a hundred dollars. And the category is State 
Mottos."
"State Mottos?"
"Yes, State Mottos."
"Oh Jim!"
"Revis, I work for the department of motor vehicles, and between 
seeing everyone’s out-of-state plates and driver’s licenses, I’ve 
seen a lot of state mottos."
"Really?"
"Yes." (Andersons consult quietly.)
"Revis, we want to ADD A ZERO after all!" (Audience cheers)
"No Mom, you promised!"
"Don’t worry son, we’ll get this one. We’ll never get to a million 
if we don’t add zeros!"
"But Mom! Dad!"
"Don’t worry son!"
(Revis steps over to Yolanda and the nude Tim.
"See Yolanda? I told you not to sit down yet!" (Yolanda beams)
"What do you think of this Timmy?" 
"It’s Tim."
"Did you think this might end up happening?"
"I wasn’t sure."
"What will you do if Yolanda ends up applying the band?"
"I’ll never speak to my parents again."
(Joan: )"Oh, we’ve heard THAT before, Revis." (Revis and audience 
chuckle.)
"All right Anderson’s. We are up to a thousand dollars again…. Oh, 
look at that!" (Camera zooms in on Tim’s hairless erection. Yolanda 
giggles, audience chuckles at monitors.)
"Well Tim, is all this is getting you excited? Or is it just being 
so close to our beautiful Yolanda?"
"I can’t help it."
(Joan: )"We’ve heard THAT before, too, Revis!" (Laughter all 
around.)
"All right, all right. The category is State Mottos. And we are 
again playing for one THOUSAND dollars and a young man’s budding 
virility. Ready?"
"Ready Revis."
"For ONE THOUSAND DOLLARS AND THE CHANCE TO GO ON TO TEN THOUSAND 
DOLLARS, what is the MICHIGAN State Motto?"
"Oh, I know I know! The Great Lake State!"
"Final Answer?"
"Yes, it’s always been on their license plates: The GREAT LAKE 
state."
(Camera zooms on Tim’s anxious face.)
"Oh, Sorry Anderson’s, and sorry Timmy. The motto is ‘If you seek a 
pleasant peninsula, look about you.’"
"Oh, I was SO sure!"
"Apparently they don’t have room for all that on their plates, Jim."
(Revis steps back to kids.)
"Do you have that banding tool ready, Yolanda?"
"Yes Sir." (Yolanda holds up the tool with a thick, red rubber band 
in place. They step over to Tim.)
"I want to remind the audience that Tim-- like all our boy 
contestants-- has had a local anesthesia administered just before 
we began the show, and he will hardly feel a thing. Move to the 
side a little, Yolanda, so the camera can zoom in. Have you ever 
felt a boy’s, well, you know—before?"
"Not like this."
"But you have!?"
"I AM an experienced baby sitter, Mr. Filman."
"Ahhh."
"Squeeze the handles as hard as you can. That’s right. Now get them 
both through the band, one at a time, just force them through 
there, he can’t feel it." (Revis brings the microphone up to Tim’s 
chin.) "Can you feel that?"
"No, not really."
"Yolanda?"
"Yes?"
"You’ve got  the band above both of those little balls?"
"Yes."
"Give them a good tug."
"Oh, I felt that."
"Okay Yolanda, now you can release your grip on the handles."
"Did I geld him?"
"Not yet, with your other hand just push the rubber band off all 
those posts."
"It’s tight"
" It will get easier with each one. There’s one, two…"
"How many are there, Mr. Filman?"
"Five, just a couple more. Tim, I bet you told all your friends to 
watch our show tonight, thinking you might just go home with a 
million dollars and a reputation for guts."
"Yes. Mr. Filman."
"But you were betting they wouldn’t see this, huh?"
"Yeah, I was hoping."
"But you watch the show and knew it could happen."
"Yeah, I just didn’t think it would happen to me, and my parents 
PROMISED!"
"Surprises like this is what makes ADD A ZERO the number one rated 
show on television. Is it in the way, Yolanda?"
"Not really. Its sticking straight out."
"Timmy, what your little tool lacks in size it makes up in stamina! 
Okay Yolanda,  pop the band off that last post…. NOW you gelded 
him." (Polite applause from audience.)
"How does it feel to be a eunuch, Tim?"
"I don’t feel any different, except I really, really embarrassed."
(Yolanda: )"I liked it, Mr. Filman!"
"As much as you like your TWO… THOUSAND… DOLLARS, Yolanda?"
"Not THAT much."
"Now we’ll let that band sink in, and after a commercial break, 
we’ll see if the Anderson’s can come back from two strikes to ADD A 
ZERO or two or three to their prize money.
(Polite applause, begin fade to commercial) "Yolanda, do you think 
Timmy here would be able to sing in you church Choir?"
"I don’t know, Mr. Filman, he might have the voice, but he needs 
rhythm to really….(sound fades, pan audience.)


(Back from commercial) "Welcome back to ADD A ZERO!" The Andersons 
have two strikes, and their son Timmy has already given up his 
masculinity to Yolanda Simmons from our studio audience. Now 
Anderson’s, you can still recover from this, but if you get one 
more answer wrong…"
"We know Revis."
"And if you tried to add a zero using Timmy, what happens Yolanda?"
"I apply the cold snips." (Giggles)
"That’s right Yolanda."
(Jim: )"No Revis, we won’t be taking a chance on that. I have three 
other brothers to carry on the family name, anyway. And after this 
I think Tim will not be such a wild one around the house anymore."
(Joan: ) "And we can still start the hormorne replacement thearpy— 
but when it suits US!"
(Revis: ) "And when might that be, Joan?"
"When he leaves home!" (chuckles from audience.)
"All right, Andersons." (Revis steps back to Tim.) "Well Tim, I’d 
guess you’re relieved."
"Yes, but it feels funny down there, I want to scratch it."
(Revis steps back to the couple.) Okay Andersons, we’ve had enough 
of those nasty questions on the states. Let’s switch to another 
broad category: ‘Occupations.’"
"Occupations Revis?"
"Yes, things people do for a living. Want to ADD A ZERO?"
"Oh no."
"You are still at a hundred dollars, but you will ADD A ZERO, and 
be playing for a THOUSAND Dollars if you can tell me: What does a 
TINKER do. A Tinker?"
"A Tinker?"
"Yes a Tinker."
(Andersons consult for a short moment.) "Well, my wife says a 
tinker is someone who makes pots and pans, and I say it is someone 
who works with leather, but I screwed up the New York question, so 
this time I’ll go along with my wife and we’ll say pot maker."
"That’s correct! For ONE HUNDRED DOLLARS!"
(Applause from audience, Andersons jump up and down.)
Okay Andersons you’ve added your zero the hard way and are up to 
ONE THOUSAND DOLLARS. And another question in ‘occupations.’ Are 
you ready? Want to add a zero?
"No Revis. Like we said."
"Okay, okay. For A THOUSAND DOLLARS, which of the following 
occupations is NOT typically performed on a ship?" Boatswain, 
purser, pilot, or swindler?"
(Andersons quickly exchange whispers) "Swindler, Revis."
"That’s right Andersons! Swindler is a type of thief, not a 
nautical term or occupation. And you’re up to TEN….. THOUSAND….. 
DOLLARS. A little bit of a false start there, but now you are on a 
role! And your category remains ‘occupations’ Want to ADD A ZERO, 
and make it A HUNDRED THOUSAND DOLLARS?"
"No Revis, we decided."
"All right, all right. Andersons, the category 
remains ‘occupations’ and….
"Wait, Revis, my wife is kicking me here under the podium. I think 
she wants to change her mind and ADD THAT ZERO!"
(Yolanda: )"Mr. Filman! Mr. Filman!"
"Yes Yolanda? (Revis turns to kids) Oh, Timmy’s having a little 
trouble with bladder control. Do you have anything to say, son?"
(Timmy, on the edge of hyperventilation: ) "Oh, mom! No!"
(Joan: ) "A HUNDRED thousand dollars, honey! That’s your ticket to 
college."
(Jim: ) "Buckle it up son, millions of people are watching! You’ll 
never get anywhere in life if you are always whining and afraid of 
taking a chance!"
"Are those snips ready, Yolanda?"
"Yes Mr. Filman, they are still in the liquid nitrogen."
"Okay Yolanda, and I see you’ve already put on the protective 
gloves and apron."
"Yes Sir, I’m READY!"
"Andersons" (Long pause) For ONE - HUNDRED - THOUSAND - DOLLARS, 
category occupations…which of the following occupations… do NOT 
belong in a working Hollywood studio. Which one of these DO NOT 
belong:  Key Grip… Best Boy… Overhead Cam… or Director. Let me 
repeat those. Key Grip, Best Boy, Overhead Cam, Director.
(Andersons whisper, Monitors show Tim biting his lip and nervously 
shifting his weight from one foot to the other, already his scrotum 
is a swollen and purple. On Revis’ signal, a smiling Yolanda 
gingerly lifts the pruning sheers out of the mists engulfing the 
liquid nitrogen container and brings them close to Tim’s bobbing 
penis.)
"We’re not quite sure, Revis, but we are going to say… Best Boy."
"Yolanda?"
"Yes Mr. Filman?"
"Ready?"
"Yes sir."
"Andersons…. That answer is... INCORRECT! THAT’S YOUR THIRD STIKE, 
ANDERSONS! And Yolanda, SNIP YOUR LITTLE EUNUCH!
(Tim’s shoulders slump. He grits his teeth as a beaming Yolanda 
positions the frosty clippers around the base of Timmy’s erection. 
The shot alternates between Tim’s face and his crotch as the 
audience holds its breath. Yolanda uses both hands to squeeze and 
twist the handles of the pruning sheers. They slowly distort, 
discolor, and crush the fast deflating flesh with a soft crunching 
sound. With a final twist the penis droops, then falls to the 
floor. Tim shudders. The audience cheers as Revis unshackles Tim 
who immediately picks up the torn shirt and covers himself. Credits 
roll as Tim argues with his parents and Yolanda picks up the penis 
and shows it to the camera. Revis gestures for her to put it aside 
and then pulls a roll of bills out of his pocket. He begins to 
count hundred dollars bills into Yolanda’s gloved hands. Her 
friends come down to the stage to congratulate her and to examine 
the severed penis. In the background, Tim’s bare behind giggles as 
he continues an animated argument with his parents. Announcer 
assures viewers that all participants are winners, and that the 
Andersons will go home with the home version of Add A Zero.)