Pleas read the story “Advice Column” first, or this may not make much sense…

Letters to the advice columnist, Dear Grabby.

Dear Grabby,

My wife and I are wondering the proper etiquette for an upcoming event. We decided to give our 17 year old son a surprise penectomy.

The problem is we don’t know the way to announce it. Do we send out announcements before the big event, even though it will be just him and a few close friends and family, or do we wait until after his penis is cut off for the announcement. Also, we’re not sure how to word the announcement.

Finally, would it be tacky to put the announcement in the local paper?

Signed, A Perplexed Father.

Dear Perplexed,

Oh, my! What a lucky young man! You must be very proud parents.

You do not announce the event before, unless you are sending out invitations.

If you send an invitation, it would read:

Mr. & Mrs. John Doe request your presence at the penectomy of their son, Jack Doe, at (time) on (Day & Date) at (Location).

Please RSVP to Mr. & Mrs. Doe by (Date).

What you need to send is an announcement, after the big event. You send it to everyone who knows him or you. And yes, you should put it in the papers.

The announcement should read as follows:

Mr. & Mrs. John Doe wish to announce the Penectomy of their son, Jack Doe.

The penectomy took place on (insert date and time) at (location).

Guests present were (Names)

A nice touch would be before and after photos of your son. The before photo should be a full length, head-to-toe picture of him, fully nude. His penis should be fully erect, to show how excited he is to be having this done.

There should be 2 after photos. One should be another, head-to-toe fully nude photo of him seated, slightly reclined with his legs spread a bit, to show-off his penectomized crotch. Of course he will be smiling a big smile to show how happy he is to have had this done. The second photo is a close-up of his penis less crotch, showing his balls hanging between his legs, and the stump above where his penis once lived.

Congratulations and Best of luck to you,

Grabby

Dear Grabby,

I’m not sure what my proper response to this news should be.

I just found out that a close family friend had a penectomy. It was not his choice.

What do I say to him? Should I say anything?

Sign me Baffled.

Dear Baffled,

Should you say something? Of Course! Having a penectomy is one of the biggest events in any man’s life. His life will never be the same again. You must congratulate him and express how happy you are that his penis has been cut off.

You said it was not his choice. That tells me that someone forced him to have it done. This is more common than you may think. For some strange reason, there are plenty of teenage boys and men who don’t want a penectomy. For them, the best thing is to force it upon them. It is for his own good. There are hardly any reasons for not having a penectomy.

You should send him a note, and then a week later visit him.

Now, when you visit him, how old he is determines how you address the question you will ask.

If he is under 18, you must ask his parent to see his penectomized crotch. His parent will then tell him to show you. If he is over 18 and married, you must ask the question to his wife, or husband. If he is over 18 and unmarried, you ask the question directly to him.

He is legally required to remove his pants and show you. You may then touch the area where the penis once lived, and stroke his balls. Basically you should spend at least 10 minutes playing with the area. To spend less time is quite rude. Also, it is at this time that you may ask to lick the area or suck on his stump, if you desire.

Best of luck to you,

Grabby